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Dad fell twice in one day last week and then Sun. morning. This time put him in the hosp. He has Renal Failure, Low Sodium, and. pneumonia. He mind is way out in outer space somewhere, yet mom thinks she can take care of him at home. She's not totally able to do that. Proof is three falls in a couple of days. In home care service is not enough properly provided by the Long Term policy they've paid high bucks for. It wasn't worth the paper it was written on. Now he needs permanent care and she can't make logical choices. She's in denial about what's going on with dad. What can we tell the hospital and drs. about the conditions? And, what can be done to get them help?

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You should not have to take her to the hospital every day it is too much for you tell her you need to be home more -she won't be happy about it but you have to think of yourself and I am surprised they let her stay at night once when my husband was almost dieing I could not go in to the ICU until visiting hours even though it looked like he only had hours to live. She probably is interfering with his care plus the doc said she is not to stay overnight so that will make him the bad guy when you tell her she is not allowed to stay during the night.
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This is tricky and I think you are being as supportive to your mum as you can. I do agree with cattails that your mum will just have to get used to it. Can you speak to the doctor and nurses about her staying over against the drs instructions.It sounds like it is not good for your dad. Let us know how it is going!
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Sorry as I am to say this, I think you mom is just going to have to go through the process of realizing that your dad won't be getting better. Many of us who have taken on the care of our parents, stroke victims, dementia victims, etc, needing 24 hour care are also competent and compassionate control freaks. What we learn is that we become worn out and just a shell of our former selves. You are going through a tough time, but just keep taking your mom to the hospital/nursing home and let her have the time she needs to see the truth. The nurses, etc. that complain that she is getting in the way can just deal with it. They are supposed to be the professionals and they get paid to do what they do. Don't allow your mom to insist that you take on the care of your dad or both of them so they can stay together. Be supportive, but don't offer more than emotional support. Your dad is not out of the hospital yet, so he will probably go to a NH for additional care before the subject of coming home even gets on the table. Enlist the support of hospital and nursing home social workers to help your mom comprehend. But remember it is a step at and time and this is the biggest thing to rock your mom's world. So have some patience and compassion. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
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Mom does not seem to be willing to cooperate with anything we suggest. I feared this would happen. She has always been a control freak and she's been too proud to admit she can't handle things. Truth is, there is no way she can take care of dad at home. He has been in the hospital for 17 days now. He was in a regular room and then in ICU for four days. The doctors have said his kidney functions are at 50% and will be that way the rest of his life. His physical condition seemed to stabilize, but his mental state is still not good. She thinks since they have placed him back into a regular room that he is doing better. She is not telling people the truth because she doesn't want the truth to be so. He still must go to rehab for balance and strength training. Still, it is not for certain he will regain any of the brain control. I don't think it will get any better, I think it will get worse. When I try to bring her into reality, all she does is cry and then say she is waiting for her prayers to be answered. I too believe in the power of prayer, but I also know that God does not answer the way we want Him to all the time. She continues to say repeatedly, I don't know what I'm going to do. I tell her to take one step at a time and one day at a time. But she seems childish to me wanting to know what's going to happen in the end. Reality of life just seems to escape her reasoning. He spends a lot of time when he's awake, either staring into space or begging to get out of the bed and hospital. I know how hard it is for her after almost 60 years of marriage, but I know we must all let go sooner or later. It really concerns me that the doctor did have her limited to 4 hours of visitation with him and now that he is back into a room, she thinks all that has changed. She is spending the night with him again tonight, and I think she not only adds to his aggravated state but she has over ruled the doctor's orders. She has problems with all the nurses, which tells me, she is in their way and argues with them about his treatment. She does not have a medical degree of any kind. What else can I do to possible make her understand the situation and to reduce her time with him. I am wearing very thin going to the hospital each and everyday. I am falling asleep each time I sit down to do anything. I can barely see the computer screen through my tired eyes right this second. I need continued advise from all you guys about what to dod next. Thanks for any and all help. You guys have been wonderful with your adivse.
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The rehab may not be able to keep her there if she is not making progress because medicare will stop paying for services she may have to be placed in a nursing home -you need to speak to the social worker at once to start planning how best to care for her if she can not be left alone-some patients never get to the point of being on their own.
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kat55snow,

Try just asking them to stay or putting her in a nursing home for a month at a time. You can also try adult day care... they are great place for your elderly loved one for the working caregivers or any caregivers who need respite care.
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Mom fell and has been in rehab since Feb. 17, 2012 . She is making progress but it is slow. What do I do if she can't stay in rehab, until she can walk alone and go to the bathroom by her self. I work from 7am til 6pm. How do I get the nursing home to keep her til she can be on her own?
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Deb, if mum will change the POA, I think that would be great. However, it may be more acceptable for mum rather than totally changing the POA , to have one of you added as a back up on the POA, and then talk to uncle about the wisdom of who actually exercises it. That way of he is ill, or does not want to do it, there is a younger family member (or two) already on the document. I think it is always wise to have a back-up on a POA, as life can change very quickly for anyonel. One step at a time, one breathe at a time! ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Deb we are not going anywhere- Cattails and others gave you good advice and we will see this through with you-one day you will be able to help others. About 4 yeas ago I was losing my sanity and somehow found this site and could not believe how supportive others with their owm problems would take the time to encourage me and now I am on the other side and am able to help others. Keep us posted and there is no question that someone here has not had experience with themselves God bless you.
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It's me again. So, my sisters came in from far away and we couldn't meet with the lady my baby sister talked to all week. Turned out, at our 1 o'clock appt. we learned she was off today. We got extremely upset at this, because she had been briefed on the situation. We ended up seeing her super an hour later. After about 30 mins of this lady being wonderful to us, my baby sister started asking her about herself. It turned out, she was one of our deceased sister's best college buddies. She had been to mom and dad's to pool parties and she remembered them all. So God planned it all the way HE knew would be best for us. We were able to make them understand about dad's condition and how mom could not take care of him and after our conference, we called in mom. That was done so she didn't feel we were trying to do something without her knowing what was happening. The lady helped us so much to explain to mom about how the steps to possible recovery would go. She never mentioned things that would upset mom, like if he wasn't able to come home. And, yes, we know we must take it a day at a time and let God and the powers that be do what is right for both of them. They both need to have their license taken away, but, I don't have time to take them to every drs appt. they have and all my appts. too. So I'm torn on this one. Mom did make it sound like their Long Term Care Ins. would allow her help, but, that's not the way I heard it. It was more like, it's not worth the paper the contract was written on. They'll all find out when the time comes. I only asked them not to send him to that terrible facility I'd been in before. So, it was written down not to contact that one about a bed. Tonight I feel like a part of the burden has been lifted from my shoulders, and I was so thankful to my sister for their sacrifices to come into town and thankful they knew and understood the true nature of this situation. I never knew we all felt the same way and that they knew everything that was happening down here. Their support was worth a million. Now I'm left to supervise and explain as well as be concerned over the rest of the journey. Please keep sending your wonderful input and guidance. This support group has helped saved my sanity. Or at least the rest of it. Just don't leave me yet, the process is just beginning. Again, thanks to all that sent answers and I'm open to any others. My all be Blessed.
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Deb: This is the place to ask questions and you will get many answers, not always in agreement, so you have lots of opinions to process. That's a good thing. How old is your mom. If her brother is in his 70's and he is the oldest, then I'm wondering about her age and health. I do agree with your rational that all these falls are proof that your mom can't keep him safe. On the other hand, if he goes home, how much walking will he be able to do. Maybe less and less chances to fall as a result. Still, he needs to use the bathroom, have meals, and not have bed sores. I doubt your mom, even with some day time care, can deal with that 24/7.

My heart goes out to you. What can you do about the POA/DPOA which is now in the hands of your mom's older brother. Can you communicate with the brother, your uncle, and explain the situation. Is he willing to come down and see for himself what is going on. That needs to be resolved and I agree that you children are probably most connected and aware of what your parents needs are.

I would suggest that you don't press you mom on the POA issue. She is very stressed and needs support right now. If you can accommodate her for a while; listen to her and reassure her that you want the best for both of them, you may gain some trust. If the Uncle could come down and see your mom struggling, maybe he would see the light and maybe your mom would too.

It's a step at a time and doesn't always happen the way we want it to; not fast and efficient. It takes time for people to realize that the care giving is more than they can provide.

This is not a perfect suggestion by any means. My heart goes out to you and your family,
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I know I've asked a lot of questions on here, but I need many answers. It does seem that we are getting the ball rolling. My sisters are coming tomorrow and we are talking with the Social workers at the hospital. Some of the suggestions I've received here have been a blessing. Now I have another question. It seems mom and dad have one of mom's brothers as their POA. I don't think she has been honest with him about dad's condition. They don't talk a lot. What I need to know is, how can we change the POA. My uncle lives 100 miles away. He doesn't know what's happening here. One of us children need to be their POA. But, mom my fight any changes. My uncle is her oldest brother and in his 70's, and I just don't think it's right for him to have that say so. I'm 58, my next sister is 55 and my youngest sister is48. My two sisters have knowledge and strength that I don't have, but they are miles away. I frankly don't want to be their POA. One of my educated sisters would be a better choice. We know them better than any one else. Can anyone telling me how to get this changed?
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Pretty much the same thing happened with my Parents. One morning Dad was doing alright, that afternoon changed our whole world! Dad's stroke left him unable to walk and to use the left side of his body. We thought with Rehab he'd come home but it was soon seen that wasn't going to happen.

My Mom stayed in their Apt for 9 months thinking she was maintaing a home for Dad to come back to. Bless her heart! with her own health issues, there was no way Dad could come home under her care, Mom asked the Dr. when will he come home, the Dr said Mrs. xxx, under your health and Mr. xxx's health circumstances he should not go back to life as it was, it simply has changed and you are not equiped to handle him. finally Mom asked if she could go with Dad ( she loved the care he was receiving and she needed much more help also) Mom and Dad are room mates in Long Term Care.

They are happy and so am I, no more runs to see about Mom, runs to take her to see Dad now it's a one stop care visit. As all of the post before me has said, enlist the help of Dr.'s Social Workers, Elder Care Attorney's, Council on Aging etc, you'd be surprised at the help available.

LilliansBonnie, I'm 51 but I've began preparing my only child on how to care for me and her Dad. I'm keeping a journal for her with resources with the type of AL's and Long Term Care places that I like "IF" that becomes a factor. I have a lot to pass on to her but guilt and stress is not one of them.
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How sad it is to grow old. Somehow we never seem to be prepared ...as the parent or the child. It seems to sneak up and catch us off guard. My Dad was the first to fail in health. When he needed 24/7 care, it was easy to convince Mom that it was necessary for her health and well being to put Dad in a nursing facility where she could visit him, not nurse him. When it was Mom's turn, she really wanted to stay home. We looked into home care, a real alternative to nursing homes. Now that I am 68, I want to prepare my children to help minimize the guilt they might feel if and when making decisions for my husband and me. Seeking advice from your lawyer, the doctors and counselors will help. Good luck to you.
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I agree with 3pinkroses. Hopefully you can find good support from your dad's doctor and medical social worker at the hospital. I'm going to mention something. Sometimes when elderly people get pneumonia it is an opportunity to let them go peacefully. I'm not in any way suggesting that you and your mom are in a position to make that decision right now. It sounds like your mom would not be ready to let her husband pass. From what you posted, it sounds like your dad has serious health issues. I don't know if he has advanced dementia or if the confusion you mention is due to the hospitalization. Do you have a DPOA for your parents? If so, hopefully you can have a serious talk with his doctor. Does your father has a DNR order? I would hope that your father will go into rehab, for the very least to get PT with the hopes of improving his walking ability. Maybe that time will help and counseling from others will help your mom realize that he needs more care than she can provide. My heart goes out to you. Good luck.
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I had similar situation with my father, and my mother for that matter. Long story short; my father had renal failure as well as many other problems. He was then sent to rehab to get built up and physical therapy to help the walking/balance problems. But, doctor and facility said he needed 24/7 care and he ended up staying at the same facility.

It breaks all our hearts to have our parents require the permanent care of a facility. But so often, a must. I spoke about all the issues with my father's doctor and the social worker at the hospital and then the same at the rehab.

Perhaps the social worker at the hospital can talk to your mom and help her understand all the care he requires. These people, are so well trained in this and I found every one of them I met over the years to be great source of information and understanding.

Sadly, my father's health continued to fail and he passed away about 3 months later. I felt blessed he was in good hands and getting the on the spot quality care he required.. They kept him comfortable through everything and when things got worse, he didn't have to rush to the hospital or risk falling at home. They could take care of so much at the facility. I kept in touch with them constantly and could monitor all his care.

Hopefully, your mom can come to terms with the situation and realize she is unable to provide the level of care he needs. The people at Elder Services are also a great source of support. Bless you and take care.
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