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I have had all i can take and leave my elderly mom and my adult son. She has dementia and he doesn't have a job? My son takes good care of my mom and pays his expenses. I moved back to help relieve some stress off my son because mom is a handful, she is mean, hateful, a real negative person she has always been looking like that. I thought my son would get a job if I moved back and he could away. Mom refuses a nursing home and my son agrees. Well, he has no job (been at least 7 years now) and apparently doesn't want one. I only have social security which allows me to live in a hud owned property for reasonable rent. I do not make enough to support him however I don't want him to be homeless when the day comes mom won't be paying his expenses. He knows that but apparently is on denial that day will ever come. I can't live in this environment any longer. I left my senior apartment for them. All of this has led me to see a psychiatrist who says it's time for tough love and for me to move back to the apartment. I will be disowned by all when I do which I would rather not be. My brother moved out of state years ago to get out of this mess and we haven't heard from him since and I miss him but he has removed himself from this nightmare. My father passed away 20 years ago. He, of course, knew my mom was spiteful but kept her in line and she was well when he passed. I feel I had the character and finances to do like my brother did. I am going to move out but how do I tell them?

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Yeah too funny :)
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And think of how much cheaper we are than your psychiatrist! :)
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All of you have been helpful and supportive thank you all very much. My psychiatrist said same things. Keep in touch.
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You say your son is an adult - it sounds like he's not a young adult if you are qualified for Social Security - correct? If that's the case, tough love is indeed what is needed here. Son has become co-dependent upon you and Mom, and needs to be out on his own and paying his own way - before she passes away and the situation is forced on him. Your mother is not responsible for him, and should not have to be at this point in her life, regardless of whether he is her caregiver. If she requires round the clock nursing care, then she should be in a facility, and he should be on his own.

Jeannegibbs gave you good advice above - keep it simple and state facts. I cannot help you here. I am moving out on (date). I love you both and wish you well, but I cannot help you.

The only suggestion I would add is to not tell them until you are 24-48 hours away from moving out. Telling them any further in advance will only allow them to stew about it and create problems for you.
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"It's time for tough love and for you to move back to the apartment."

I am go glad you have accepted this and are ready to act on it!

How do you tell them? Make it about you. This is your decision for your reasons. No need to point out their role in driving you to it.

"I thought I could make a contribution here and to find satisfaction in doing it. But having tried it I now know that my need for independence and my own space and control over my own surroundings is more important than I realized. I wish the two of you the best. You were coping before I moved in, and I know you'll cope again. I'll be moving out on xxxx."

Try hard to avoid accusations and saying anything about them you might regret in a couple of years (even if it is true.) Keep it simple. I am doing this for my reasons. No hard feelings. Good bye. :)
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How old is your son? You just tell them what your plan is, but I'd probably wait until I was ready to go. Otherwise, they'll make your life difficult.

I agree with leaving when you're able to get into your subsidized apartment. You won't have done anything wrong. If I was you, I'd try to get in touch with your brother to reestablish that relationship if possible. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Well, you may have to wait a while for the subsidized apartment, but let them know this is your plan. When the apartment comes up, GO.
When your mom goes to a nursing home, he will find a job or go on welfare. It's totally their choice. It doesn't have to be yours.
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