How do you nicely say "I can not be your sole social outlet. Please give me some space and allow me to have a life!"?

exhausted - I should add, that grieving the bad relationship is healthy, and even necessary in order to to move on. It IS too bad that is has come to this, and not what we want, at all. In order to detach and distance emotionally, I had to face the rather horrendous reality of what I grew up with and still experience within my family, to accept that I would never have the mother or sister that I needed and wanted, no matter what I did, and to grieve that loss. Then I was more ready to move into detachment. It doesn't happen all at once. Even the opther morning I had a small epiphany seeing even more clearly the sickness in the home in which I grew up. Then that was followed by profound gratitude that I had come as far as I have, that I had a good career, and have found a good partner, that my children have, and are dealing with their issues pretty successfully, that I have a healthy, decent life, and relationships in general. It has taken a lot of work, but is well worth it. I am worth it, and so are you. love and prayers ♥

(((((((hugs)))))) exhausted. You are right. It is time for this nonsense to stop. It is too hard on your phisical and mental health. I have walked in your shoes, I had palpitations for years, now it is gut issues. One phone call can do it, even when I do not answer. Believe me the sky will not fall down, if you do not answer, or if you say "No", and you don't need to explain why. to anyone. You are a caring person, and being taken advantage of. Narcissists pick this up on their radar as someone they can use. Your mother is narcissitic. Everyone has a little narcissism, and some is healthy, but she and others, including my mum and sister, have it to the point of mental illness. If you google "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" you will find a website with much helpful information. You will see your mother and yourself there. My mother had nothing good to say about my sister's husband either, yet he was a decent man, Now my sister has nothing good to say about her son's wife, yet they are a decent couple, and she ignores their son, her only grandchild. They are a lovely family. I absolutely do not understand it, but I know it is not healthy. I am stepping into that gap and developing a relationship with my nephew and his wife and son. My mother has been judgmental and difficult all her life too. As she has aged the paranoia has increased.
Do come back and let me (us) know how you are doing. It isn't easy to set and maintain boundaries, but it is so important for your health. There are times I wonder how any of us have survived this kind of upbringing, and remained caring, loving people, but we have, though not without scars. (((((((hugs)))))))

Emjo, everything you've said is exactly on the mark! My brother has always been the golden boy. When he finally married and got out from under her thumb, she has never had a good word to say about his wife, who is a lovely woman. I think she resents her for taking him from her in a way. I have been suffering from terrible heart palpitations which dr says is stress related. It's time for this nonsense to stop, and I realize that only I can make that happen. I just feel bad that it's come to this. She has always been very judgmental and difficult thru out her life, and now it's magnified. Thank you for your kind words. (((((HUGS))))

Exhausted, good luck with those 'ground rules', you can try, but it seems that if she hasn't listened and heard anything you said before, she isn't going to hear you this time either... see sweetie, the deal is, no matter how nice you try to go about this, the bottom line will always be that she wants what she wants when she wants it.... this is just a suggestion, maybe instead of talking to her, spend that energy coming up with a plan you can start with... just like telling her no this weekend....you did great... the whole thing is about you following thru with it... if you tell her no, then be prepared to deal with whatever she sends out into the universe....but don't back down... and if you only start with telling her no for the weekends, then you can move to something else next time.... but always make sure you are going to follow thru... if you don't , then you are back to square one....when she calls you at work, let it go to voicemail, you know if something is wrong, the facility will contact you....you many even tell her it will be going to voicemail, you are doing that for YOU, not her, to empower yourself to take your life back... don't do it to 'convince' her, nothing you say or do will convince her....ever... I know that is hard to understand, but it is what it is... and possibly you can get some counseling to help you understand the guilt and how she is allowed to live in your soul rent free with that guilt.... you've already started this journey by telling her how you were going to do the banking....give yourself some credit for acting on your own needs, and you survived..... atta girl, you survived, and it will get easier.... please come back and vent all you need to... even tho this is a process for you to get healthy with this, she is still going to send you into orbit with her demands.... but you will also be able to have some plans in place for when this happens, and coming here and talking it out will always help... so blessing sent your way for being a loving daughter, that has also learned, you are very important to the bigger picture of life, and you do get to have your alone time, or social time or what ever else that you need.... hugs across the miles to you again, we can't get too many hugs when we are on the journey of telling mom NO....

exhausted Good for you for saying :No:. I have been there, and, when I decided that I could not keep up what mother expected of me, after a few abortive attempts, didn't even try to explain or reason. With a narcissist, there is no reasoning. They will twist thing to make you feel more guilty and more sorry for them, I simply started to do things they way they worked for me. Narcissists crave attention and control, and will go to great lengths to get it. Good for you for setting nedw ground rules. She won't like it, and she may be quite vocal about that, even to the point of telling others how you are letting her down, Don't let that sway you - it is manipulation., Narcissistic parents tend to have a "golden child" who can do no wrong, even if they don't step up and help at all. My sister is that. You are the "servant" child -I call it the cinderella child" and you will never satisfy her, there will always be more. I have stopped doing anything except dealing with her at arms length as much as possible, and only addressing the issues which I think are important -which are a very few of the ones she complains about. Look after you, and your health. My health has suffered over the past few years. from the demands of caregiving my mother -even at a distance. You have to be relentless in looking after yourself. ((((((hugs))))))

Actually Jeanne, I think I'm on my way out of the tunnel. After going to dinner with mom yesterday and spending the evening together, she called today to tell me she wanted me to pick her up and bring her to my home for a few hours to get her out of "the home". I politely said no, I had plans today and would not be up. She didn't like it, but I did it. Yes, the guilt was there and still is, but I got to spend some "me" time on a Sunday. Thank you all for allowing me to vent. Tomorrow I will be having a longer talk with her to get my point across. New ground rules from now on.

OK, Exhausted. We see a lot of posters on here who get encouragement and advice and they don't seem to take any actions. Maybe just having someone acknowledge how tough they have it is enough for the time being. That's OK with me. And we also see posters who explain their situation, get advice and encouragment and support, and then they make some change and come back and post about how it is going.

Which kind of poster are you? Is it enough that we understand how much you are sacrificing and applaud you for it? Then please hear my applause loud and clear. You are doing wonderful things and you are a dutiful, loving daughter. Sincerely, I compliment you and sympathize with your situation.

Or do you really intend to make some changes? If so, I'd love to hear how it goes when you scale back your weekend sleep-overs or when you cut back on your dailing visits or when you think up and act on other ways to take back some of your own life.

Either way, I'm on your side. Best of wishes to you, whatever you decide to do!

Thank you jeannegibbs - I have said things in the past along these lines, but I'm going to say it again, and this time mean it. My mother has no idea of the time I spend doing her banking, driving 30 miles one-way on my lunch hour to return safety deposit box keys, meet with financial planners, do her taxes, along with doing the virtually endless litney of daily "chores" she lists -- because she "needs" things -- daily. Its ludicrous. At this point, I've told her -- if I have to go to the store or bank for myself, I'll do for her. No special trips. I was solely responsible for selling her home -- she could no longer live there alone, and cleaning out 60 years of clutter while I now store all of her "good" clutter in a storage unit. I have given my life over to her for the past year and she still wants more. My very lucky brother lives out-of-state, and calls her every day -- why every day?? -- because I called him and asked him to. Now she can't stop telling me about how "wonderful" he is because he calls her every day, and she "knows if he were closer he would do everything for her". Un-friggin-believeable!

Ah, yes, guilt. You are wise to recognize that you will feel guilty no matter what you do. You do not deserve it and you did not earn it, but it is there nevertheless. So ... accept that irrtional guilt feelings are going to be with you, push them to the back of your mind, and do what you have to do in spite of them. Don't let guilt drive your decisions, because, as you've recognized, the guilt will be there regardless.

Here's another hug for yuo!

Ladee --
Thank you for your quick and caring response. You are completely right -- no one will do this for me. Instead of an onslaught, I think her reaction will be to recoil in disbelief that I could for one instant think that I should be so self-centered as to want even a small part of my "old" life back. She tells me that she understands that she is taking up all of my time and is driving me crazy, but in the next breath continues to do it. She won't make a decision on her own about her own care, regardless of how trivial the decision is... she will instead call me up to four times a day in the middle of my work day. The voice on the other end is always a soft whine.... when I know full well she can speak clearly and strongly any other time. The manipulation is endless, and on those rare times when I simply can't respond the way she wants or expects, all of a sudden that voice changes instantly into the strong, unyielding voice I've come to know over the years. And yet with all this said, whenever I do say "no" to something, I feel the guilt. Actually I feel the guilt regardless of what I do -- no matter if I've given her a day filled with exactly what she wants and expects...I still feel guilt at the end of the day. I think the guilt is in knowing that while I do everything within my power to give her a good life, I am resentful of feeling like I have no other option. I hope that doesn't sound too terribly callous. I love her, but I'm having alot of trouble liking her recently. Thank you again for your hug...here's one back at you!

Exhausted, the words in your subject line sound perfectly nice to me. Have you tried them with Mother?

I might try a slight tweak to the wording. "I love you very much, and I regret that I cannot be your sole social outlet. I need to have some space, and I need to have a life of my own, as well as a life as your daughter." That wording makes it clearer that you are not asking for her permission and that this is not negotiable. Making it sound like a request (please give me) may sound "nicer" but it is kinder, I think, to be more direct. I love you, and I also need my own life. This is not an either/or ... it is a both/and situation.

Saying it isn't enough, of course. Do it. Cut back on the number of weekend visits to twice a month or once a month. Maybe add in a Sunday dinner or two, sometimes at your house and sometimes at a restaurant.

Does the AL offer a laundry service? Could any of the tasks you do be hired out? Can you simplify some of the others? Working full time and taking on so many additional tasks for someone else is hard!

What is your mother's prognosis? She has terminal cancer. Obviously no one can know for sure, but do her doctors feel she may have several years ahead of her, or is it more likely to end within the year? I think this might influence your decisions somewhat.

Are there other relatives or close friends who could do some of the daily visiting? Could you gently nudge them in that direction? "Gladys, Mom loves daily visitors but I'm not going to be able to see her next Wednesday. Is there any chance you could stop in and play some cards with her?" Do NOT expect others to jump in and help on their own, but many are happy to once they know what they can do.

Could some of your daily visits be by phone?

Experiment and see whether it works better to have shortened visits daily, or longer visits less often.

You work to support yourself. You work to keep your mother's finances and health in good shape. You work to maintain your own household. If you don't also have a life, what on earth do you and your mother talk about 7 days a week? If you have a life of your own, you will have more interesting things to share with your mother. You can tell her how dumb you feel trying to learn to play bridge and ask her about things she's tried that made her feel dumb. You can give her a blow-by-blow commentary on your gardening efforts, and then show her your garden when she visits a couple times a month. You can tell her about the book you are reading and maybe even offer to share it if she still reads.

You must love your mother very much to sacrifice so much for her. Make sure that she knows how much you love her even as you make changes to also have a life of your own.

Good luck ... and let us know how things progress.

By saying just as you posted your question... be prepared for the onslaught that is going to happen afterward, do not expect her to be agreeable, full of acceptance or even give you her blessings.... You can make that statement to her, you do not need her permission to not be a slave.... it will feel awful inside, and you will drive yourself crazy rehearsing it, but do it anyway.. having courage means we do it anyway..... and you might want to say this on your way out the door.... that way you don't have to endure the onslaught of what is coming next... if you are not present for her to manipulate, then she is left with her own feelings... there is no PC way to do this.... if you don't make a stand for you, no one else will.... prayers for you to get what you need out of that conversation... hugs across the miles to you...