How do you nicely say "I can not be your sole social outlet. Please give me some space and allow me to have a life!"?

People who lose their homes, spouses, belongings, familiar things, can become quite narcisistic and otherwise dysfunctional--even if they never behaved that way before...though, usually there have been signs and symptoms of that kind of behavior over the years, even if in lesser amounts.
But losses do not excuse bad behavior; it just indicates they have been through hardships and have poor coping skills.
It is up to more rational caregivers to draw the line, to keep returning them to rational thinking and appropriate limit-setting...
Just like rasing kids.
If we allow elders to keep behaving dysfunctionally, and especially if they are bringing down the caregiving[s], something must be done to get back a sense of equilibrium.
The elder may dislike it, but it is necessary to have reasonable limits set.
Each of us has to find what that looks like, in our particular circumstances.
Your elder is isolating herself; your efforts to get her out have not been working.
Therefore, she might be nearing time to be in a facility, unless there are resources to help her be in her home with 24/7 caregivers to make sure she does not leave the stove on, or otherwise endanger herself, for instance.
"Isolating" increases the incidence of mental illness and inappropriate behavior.
So, you might need to have a Social Worker evaluate her, for instance.
It is NOT realistic or rational for her to expect what you describe.
Allowing her to guilt you into doing it, is unhealthy, too.
You can only do just so much in a day or a week!
Your prime responsibility is to your immediate family--yourself, your partner, your kids who live in your home.
Next level of responsibility are immediate relatives who live nearby, outside your home--but those take 2nd fiddle to the immediate household members.
You also mentioned you work full time--that is another level of responsibility you need to place in context to what you are reasonably able to do or not!
You need to take care of you, or there will be nothing left of you to help anyone else!
You have already been going above and beyond the call of duty!
Happy Mother's Day!
Time to give yourself a huge hug, maybe a Spa Day, SOMEthing to reward yourself for working so hard. You are not selfish....it's too bad that in English, there is only one word for selfish, and it means mulitple things...
It is important to be selfish in ways that preserve our health and well-being.
It is bad to be only to oneself, and rarely helping others.
I believe you are over-doing the helping others, and need to help you some more!

Wow, too many stories that are hitting home with me! My mom wants my hubby and i to buy all the food as well as prepare the meals, etc. I got tired of this so when she needed wine again, I had to ask her for money. I told her it was 4 bucks a bottle and she almost fainted. I dont drink, so she cant blame me. LOL!

I have noticed she does not show sympathy for other people. Is this part of the disease? it hits me hard that she doesnt know i am her daughter and i cried about it but she just stared at me blankly. I guess it is all just about her. hmmm.. Told me to go see my mom today. Exhausted, you are also brave and full of goodness. Happy unmothers day! tonio

Tonio999,
Yes, it does sound from your description that there is dysfunction happening--whether it might be some kind of mental illness remains to be evaluated.
Fetching booze for your elder might be seen by some as "perfectly fine--why not? She doesn't have anything better to do! Let her" Except that is, in effect, the elder-equivalent of “contributing to the delinquency of a minor [read: elder]”.
IF the elder simply has one drink in the evening, fine.
IF they cannot behave decently once they drank that drink, or if they drink too many of those, there is a PROBLEM.
Elder metabolism handles booze poorly; it becomes behavior troubles fast.
IF the elder demands alcohol to drink, they can be told “house rules: no booze here”--then stick to that.
IF they bring it in on their own and hide it, it could be grounds for eviction from their place there.
Often, elders have their marbles when they move in with someone for care-giving services.
They need to be told the rules right up front:
---Room needs kept clean [we can help you],
---Possessions must be limited to what fits in the room &/or other designated areas of the house;
---No booze, unless prescribed by Doc’s orders, unless you and your family are real comfy with the behaviors of that elder on booze; etc.
Realistic, rational house rules preferably in writing and, subject to negotiation as long as those negotiations remain realistic and rational. Otherwise, you leave yourself open to life becoming UNtenable, UNhealthy, UNmanageable.

An elder behaving badly is similar to a child misbehaving.
Anyone excusing bad behaviors is setting himself or herself up for disaster.
Good parents do not allow excuses to let their kids keep misbehaving; those in charge of elder or disabled care, are NOT obligated to allow those folks to act badly, either--even when they are demented. Nursing Home personnel have techniques to reduce or limit misbehaving: might take a lesson or few there!

A wise person told me “there are no excuses".
At first I felt angry, because I had learned to make excuses for quite a number of things.
Yet, when I started trying to come up with "good" excuses for things, the number of "good" excuses dwindled to almost nil!
Astonishing!
Then I started noticing how society is riddled with people making excuses many times a day for all kinds of things, and wondering what life might be like without all those excuses?
People who "lose everything" [some repeatedly], do it for reasons [excuses] that might be construed as "not their fault".
But even Acts of God, if one enlarges the picture, could be prevented or minimized if steps were taken to prepare properly, choose disaster-proof building or locations, etc.
Those with the most excuses seem to have the most "disasters" in their lives, but if one looks closely, those also have underlying mental/emotional issues that make living from one day to the next, waaaayyy too full of mishaps.
Why?
It took me a lifetime to figure that out; I was trained up in an atmosphere so excuses and drama appeared "normal".
I literally failed to see dangerous situations and people coming down the tracks of life, because I was trained only to see the good in people, not their clay feet--at least, not fast enough to get out of the way of those clay feet!
HOW many kids are enculterated to expect things to go haywire and make excuses for it, and think it is OK?
Many thousands of elders are in their "second childhoods" with dementias of various kinds, or even simply the emotional issues that accompany most illnesses, acting badly.
It’s up to caregivers to try to get those back on track, but maybe the only solution is to place troubled elders in nursing homes. It is so individual!

I recently read an article by a newly minted nurse, baffled why elders in facilities, with families, yet those stayed away.
Misbehaving elders are why. But the young nurse writing that article had no experience with that; only saw the sad elders during facility shifts.
CUE: Elders placed in facilities often control themselves a bit better, since staff changes enough to keep elders just a bit leery of misbehaving in front of changing personnel. Those same elders will act-out badly with their individual caregiver at home, since they feel “safe letting out their frustration”, in “safe atmosphere at home”.
Moving them into a facility can actually be helpful sometimes, to helping them control their own behaviors.
I know they do not like it when they act badly towards loved ones: even confused and demented ones know they step over the line on some level. They just cannot control themselves in one-on-one home venues.
They may just have a better chance of controlling themselves, if in a facility.
It is so hard to make necessary sudden changes for an elder, knowing it can cause worsening dementia, or that it is not what they wanted. But then, elders in that situation are not “themselves” anymore: they have special needs that no longer can be accomplished in the original, home-arrangement.
We must avoid feeling guilty for taking appropriate care of elders, same as we must stop feeling guilty about taking proper care of anyone of any other age.
I do not think any of us are perfect in how we handle things all the time--we make mistakes and get pushed beyond ability to cope.
We just have to keep correcting our courses and trying to do better!
BTW--I absolutely DO have a Mother--in fact, I have a couple. Those in my life who couldn't manage to be a full-time Mom, gave me what they could, and I had to figure things out--so my task now is to remember the good things each contributed, and let go of the bad stuff--only, remember enough of it to prevent it happening yet again.

Tonio, I see in your profile that your mother has dementia. All kinds of strange and new behaviors go with that diagnosis. That she does not show sympathy for other people may be one of the dementia behaviors. What was she like as you were growing up? Is this lack of empathy fairly recent? My husband is a kind and caring person, but since he developed dementia he is far less aware of other people's experiences. I may go to a doctor with a fairly severe problem, and hubby won't ask how it went or anything about it. If I tell him, he is sympathetic but he seems to have lost the ability to take the initiative in the emotional arena. So what you are noticing may be beyond her control

Expecting you to shop and pay and cook and serve and cleanup may also be part of the self-centeredness that comes with the disease. That doesn't mean that you just have to accept it and put up with it. You are the caregiver. You have to set reasonable boundaries and expectations. If she is living with you and eating your food, etc. then she should be paying her own way. (This assumes she has some income such as SS or a pension, etc.) Have a lawyer draw up a personal care contract that spells out what you do and how she compensates you. (This is CRITICAL if there are other family members who can come out the wood work and criticize you.) If you are getting $X a month from her, you don't have to worry about who pays for the celery and who bought the peas. And there is no reason she shouldn't be paying for her own wine. The fact that she didn't think of that herself may mean she is a thoughtless, selfish person, or it may be the result of the dementia. If you can find out what kind of dementia she has and learn all you can about it, it will take at least some of the pain out of Mom's less-than-thoughtful behavior. (Maybe -- probably -- she is less than thoughtful because her thought processes are functioning at far less than peak performance, and she can't help it.)

As for the alcohol, my husband's dementia specialist and his primary care doc (a geriatrician) have both said up to two servings a day is OK, as long as I don't notice any ill-effects. This inspite of hubby taking a huge number of drugs, and having balance problems. People with dementia lose so many, many pleasures, that it is cruel (in my opinion, and that of our doctors) to needlessly deprive them of a bottle of beer with their BLT, or a glass of wine while they read or watch tv. But in your situation I don't see any problem with expecting Mom to pay for it.

Not recognizing you as her daughter is devatating, for her as well as for you. It is often what people fear most when they get the dreadful dementia diagnosis. Will I stop recognizing my loved ones? This is very definitely the disease. It is not something your mom can control, and I suspect it is not something she would have wished for in a million years. The "all about her" thing is also part of the disease. If she can't even recognize her daughter, who else could life be about but her?

I am very sorry that you are going through these painful things. It might help a lot to joing a local support group for caregivers of people with dementia.

Best wishes,
Jeanne

Thanks jeanne and Chimonger for the advice. My mom and hubby have a glass of wine with dinner and I have not seen inappropriate behavior so far. Mom doesnt take that many meds and our doc also feels we shouldnt take everything away. Actually this is really progressing rapidly, doc says shes having vascular dementia. So many caring people, so little time to thank you all. Working on the salary issue. My husband is a rock! Tonio

Everyone,
On Friday morning at 6:35 a.m. my mother passed peacefully. On Thurday afternoon she was moved to a beautiful in-case hospice facility, where she spent her final night in no pain. It has been a long journey and now she is finally at peace, and where she has always wanted to be, walking hand-in-hand with my dad in heaven. Thank you all for your thoughtful and helpful responses. And thank you for allowing me to vent my frustrations. I pray I did the very best I could do for my mom, and that she realizes I tried my hardest. Even with all the craziness and exhaustion of the last year, I now miss her more than ever. Viewing is today, funeral tomorrow --
Thank you all again, and God Bless You All.

((((((((exhausted))))) - my sympathies on your mother's passing. I am glad she went peacefully. I know you did your very best, and in heaven she will know that too. Do look after yourself. Grieving is hard work too, and once the "dust has settled" after the viewing and funeral, you will likely miss her even more for a while. God will bless you for all the work you did for her. More (((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Exhausted, I couldn't agree with people more. I had the situation you did. I can only reinforce the great things that have been said here.

I had a narcissistic mother who played on my emotional daughter strings. When I began learning boundaries, it was a very painful and tearful process because it felt like I was hurting her. But I'll share this one story of her need for total self....

One day it was storming REALLY bad. We only live about a mile from her. It was literally pitch black out and there were tornado warnings for the first time in our area in my lifetime. She calls me in a panic and I tell her to go into the basement with dad. She refuses. She starts screaming at me on the phone and I'm trying to explain that if I go out in the storm, I may never make it to her and then she won't ever had me there to help. Dumb me asked, "Do you really want me to get killed?" Her direct answer was "Yes." That was the end of it for me, the line in the sand.

I knew right then and there her disease was beyond anything I could do. After that, due to other circumstances that I swear God had His hand on every step of the way, she and my father ended up in assisted living and it was much easier to put boundaries in place.

Alll I can share with you is don't be afraid use and enforce your boundaries. Start with small ones and as another have said, and be prepared for what she dishes out. It is all about manipulation in their eyes. You will never heal her.

You also have to realize you will never get blood from a stone and that is a painful reality when wanting a mom. But the one thing I learned is that God never stopped providing for me and mom had her issues, but I was not going to let them become mine.

Lots of prayers during this time.

Just once I would like to have a visit/phone call where something wasn't "asked" of me or needing to be done. Now let the guilt flow.

We have recently moved to a home with a beautiful in-law apt in the basement. We moved my mother inlaw in with us who was recently diagnosed with stage v lymphoma and is now s/p chemo and radiation. The difficulty is she is a terrible communicator and tends to be very passive/aggressive and controlling. I love her but I really don't particularly like her. I feel tense and on edge when I am home as if just waiting for her to be critical.She has never said she is happy to be with us and not alone. She tends to be mostly critical and negative. Am I having normal feelings or is this something different?

lynne62, your reactions sound pretty normal to me. For your sake, it might help to simply accept that MIL is not a very likable person. Oh well. You love her and you love her son and you are doing your duty.

If you like to follow sports teams and she doesn't, you might be disappointed. If she is an avid opera fan and you can't stand the subject, that might be a disappointment. She is a terriblecommunicator and isn't even polite, besides. Try to shove that into the "disappointment" category and reduce the tension. You wouldn't be on edge hoping she'd talk about football, right? Lower your expectations of what you'll get from MIL.

(Easier said than done. Just a suggestion to try, for your sake, not hers.)

In my view you are having normal feelings. You have a controlling "critic" on board, and it is natural to be stressed with such an individual around. My mother is like that. I am at a distance physically, and I have had to detach and distance myself emotionally, You may be wondering if moving her in with you was a good idea. I could not possibly survive under the same roof as my mother.
A few questions - How is your husband finding it? Were/are there any other alternatives for her care? What is her prognosis? You have said that she has never said she was happy to be with you. Was she consulted regarding the decision to move her in with you?
In the meanwhile, working on detachment will likely help you. You may be able to find a support group in your area.
Good luck.