Do you tell a 90 year old parent that they have cancer?

If the family consensus is to not tell her, then don't. Cancers in the elderly move very slowly and chances are one of the other things will take her long before cancer has a chance to.

It depends on the type of cancer and if it will move quickly or slowly. If its slow moving I wouldn't. But if its something like pancreatic cancer, she'll need to know.

ptsteg is right. My mom at the age of 80 was diagnosed with uterine cancer at the age of 82, had the hysterectomy followed by chemo and radiation. Following the surgery she started this long slow decline of Alzheimer's, probably at least in part due to anesthesia which is very hard on the elderly brain. Mom is still with us and entering the late stages of Alzheimer's. The siblings had no say whether the treatment would occur, mom was competent for the most part at the time and she had remarried a year previous. But knowing now what we didn't then, that the anesthesia would have the effect it did and that cancer in elderly is very slow we would have discouraged the treatment.

There is no reason for her to know at her age, the family is right that it would only devastate her. Allow her to live out her days with some peace of mind there is no reason to upset her this late in the game. She is already in her 90's and has lived a good life, just as they (the medical team) doesn't want to put her through any treatment because of her age should speak volumes. Blessings and Best of Luck.

and definitely would not have told her if it had been our decision.

If she is truly not a candidate for chemo or surgery, what would be the point? Especially if the cancer is not immediately fatal. Many cancers are slow growing and people end up dying from something else, so "treatment" may really be uncalled for and instead lead to other complications. What kind of cancer is it?

If she is competent and makes most of her decisions, then why would she not be told? I would think the medical professional would have an obligation to tell her as she is his/her patient. It would be different if she had dementia. My MIL has dementia and lives with us. If she was to be diagnosed with cancer then telling her might be optional as she would not remember it, understand it or grasp the ramifications of it.

I don't think you should say anything due to her advanced age. My 90-year-old grandmother has a possible malignant growth in her neck that was just discovered 4 weeks ago. We are going to keep an eye on it (see if it's growing, etc) but the Doctor said she's not a candidate for treatment/surgery due to her advanced age and frail body. My grandmother had a mini stroke 2 months ago, but in her mind she was only in the hospital/rehab because her hand went numb...she doesn't understand she had a mini stroke, which we did tell her, but she still doesn't grasp it. I think certain things are just too hard for our elderly loved ones to fully understand. As long as we can keep them comfortable and feeling well, I don't believe it's necessary to worry them with every possible issue they may have. Good luck to your family with this decision.

This is a decision only the family can make based on Mom's cognitive status, emotional state, and what her loved ones believe in their hearts to be best for her.
I've had cancer patients in my career whose family did not tell them because they believed the impact on their loved one would be devastating more than beneficial. Families have made hospital staff cover all the mirrors in their loved one's room.
Follow your heart on this one, you know you Mom best. So sorry for this sad news.

Whether or not to tell your mother about the cancer is a decision that must be based on her level of mental alertness. And, what would you want done if you were in her position?

If she is mentally alert and competent, she has the right to be told. Then she can plan ahead. For example, if she has things to say to people, written messages she may want to leave behind, bequests for who gets what, etc.

However, if she has dementia then it would be cruel to tell her because she won't remember and will suffer anew each time the cancer is mentioned. In this case, tell everybody else so that they can visit her and say their good-byes.

Blessings to everyone involved in this situation and may all parties be blessed in the outcome.

This is sad news for sure but I do agree with Gigi11 above---is she is alert and competent , I would tell her. She needs to make any directives while still functioning in a fairly normal state. I would want to know myself.
Now , if the woman has Alzheimer's there would be no point ---I wish her and you the best and hope when her time comes that she has a peaceful and happy death with her loved ones around her.

Is it a cancer that will be extremely painful? You're going to have to explain where that pain is coming from at some point if she's mentally alert. If it's a "hidden cancer" such as leukemia or the like, then I wouldn't say anything. Guess it depends on the type of cancer it is and how alert she is.

I have to wonder if she would want to know. Would she want to do anything differently if she knew? Would she spend her days differently? Would it make a difference to her life? Along with all the good points about her condition, state of mind, etc..., I think these are some more questions you might consider in order to help you if you're having a hard time deciding.

We struggled with this last year. My aunt was 92 at the time and in pretty good health (plays golf everyday). She was diagnosed with a rare skin cancer - Merkel cell carcinoma. It's usually a grim prognosis. Her doctors didn't tell her much about this cancer - she had Mohs surgery. I researched the cancer as soon as knew the diagnosis & the protocol is surgical removal (tumor usually on the face), biopsy of nearest lymph gland, and radiation. I know someone whose 85 year old grandmother had the same thing & she lived 5 years after immediately having surgery, lymph gland biopsy, and radiation. Chemo is generally never suggested for the elderly - but new studies indicate healthy people in their 90s tolerate radiation. My aunt's doctors were apparently unaware of these new radiation-in-the-elderly studies, as they advised against it. Months later, the tumor was growing back & my aunt demanded radiation. She got through the radiation just fine (it is a little tough) - but it was too late. She should've had the radiation immediately after the diagnosis. She's still alive a year later, but the late radiation didn't kill the tumor. I asked my primary care doctor about whether we should've been upfront about her diagnosis and options and he informed me that no matter the age, people have a right to know about their health status and their options. My aunt didn't know all of her options at the earliest stage possible, something we now regret. She was never able to make an informed decision, as we all advised against radiation at her age. BTW, my doctor's mother died of cancer; my own father was diagnosed with colon cancer at age 89. He was told surgery or die a terrible death with an obstructed colon. He chose surgery and lived for another 15 months. He was quite frail, but he was able to make his own decision and enjoyed one more Thanksgiving, Christmas, several times going to church, etc. I've told my friends to let me make the decision in my old age if I'm not suffering from dementia - but tell me the treatment options and probable prognosis so I'll be informed.

Nothing to be gained, plenty to be lost.

My mother is 96. She was diagnosed with inoperable breast cancer 5 years ago. She has no other health issues except hard of hearing and poor sight due to glaucoma. She was fine with knowing and deals with it well.

On the other hand, it sounds as if no good could be served by telling your mother. She seems to have enough on her plate. Perhaps the doctor could advise you, if you are still uncertain.

Every person is different. You know your mom better than anyone, how she will react, whether it would be something she could deal with, or if she doesn't need to deal with it. My mother is in her 90's, has quite a bit of dementia and paranoia. She homes in on something negative to worry about even if it is not real and writes notes, cries, obsesses on it over and over and over. If it were our mom, being the way she is, we would not tell her as it would be a constant (and I mean constant) thing she would think about every minute of the day to the end of her life. Basically, she would not use the knowledge to prepare or do anything differently, she would use it to make herself (and us) even more stressed than she already is. You have to decide how your mom would react and if it would mentally make life worse or better in knowing.

I go with the no tell, be optimistic and let her enjoy what she can of her life.

What would be the point? The news might create a heart attack (although I do not know what type of heart disease she has), and since you know her best, go with your gut. Love her regardless of her medical conditions and she can go knowing she had a wonderful family. Best wishes!

I would let your mother adjust to the rehab and see if she can make some progress. Then if she is stronger and alert mentally, you could judge whether telling her is helpful. In medical facilities however, someone is likely to refer to her cancer in someway. If you mother is alert she will pick up on it. She might do better if her 'trusted" doctor and you tell her. I would put the spin on it that a cancers grow slower in old age and she may not die from it but some of her other conditions. The doctor could tell her why she isn't a candidate for cancer surgery or some of the other treatments. Perhaps he could suggest strengthening her overall health for the remainder of her life. All mentally alert patients need to have hope that all isn't black. With her other conditions, and losses of her siblings, spouse or friends makes her aware she will not live on forever, so she may take it in perspective of the overall aging process.

My mother passed after a yr long battle of cancer in her early 50's and my father had colon cancer surgery at 77 and lived on to 93 never dying of cancer. So it depends on age, the type of cancer and luck.

There is absolutely zero reason to tell a 90 year old anything like that. Even if it was going to get her the next day. Why would you even think about telling her? Think about it for a minute and you will see this is more about you then her. She doesn't need anything else to worry about. Your job is to make her as comfortable and happy as possible for the remainder of her life.

The default position is that you do tell her unless there is an extremely good reason not to. Other people's belief that 'she would be devastated' does not constitute a good reason.

Good reasons would include:
irrelevance, if the cancer is so slow growing that it will have no effect whatsoever on her. But in that case, why the biopsy? Presumably they were looking for it because it is already causing symptoms;
dementia to the point where she lacks mental capacity;
other forms of mental disability, so that she would be unable to process the information;
her own previously expressed desire to have bad news kept from her.

Insufficient reasons would include:
her age;
the lack of treatment options;
fear of upsetting her.

And, by the way, how is she going to give her informed consent to palliative care treatments if she doesn't know that they're palliative?

She has a right to know the truth of her own situation. She has a right to understand what is happening to her body. She has a right to prepare herself for death, if (God forbid) that is the reality she must face sooner than expected.

Having said that, you know your own mother. As long as you're approaching her as the person you know her to be - as an individual with her own views, beliefs, character, identity and NOT as some poor little old thing who couldn't possibly cope - you are best placed to decide whether she will want to hear the truth or not.

Stop press: I've just consulted my 89 year old mother (severe CHF, stage IV kidney disease, early to moderate multiple dementia but high baseline IQ and lifelong interest in ethics) on this very point, to have it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. This particular horse says firmly - albeit hypothetically, let's not forget - that she would want to know. I quote: "how can you deal with it if you don't know it's there?" Your horse may have a different view, of course. But in any case I am grateful to you for raising this point: now I know what my mother wants should this ever come up for us.

I wish your mother success in her rehab, and hope there will be positive news about how her cancer can be managed.

No. What would be the purpose? My Mother was an insuline dependent for some 45 years, and suffered from dementia/Alzheimer's for nine. She was 90 when she died. She certainly didn't need another "issue" to futher confuse her, no matter what. And, unless you can mentally crawl into her mind to know what she thinks, what she is already processing at her age, my suggestion is "no."

Good luck and God Bless.

Thank you countrymouse! Too many people timidly shy away from honesty when dealing with their older relatives and, barring some extenuating circumstances, people DESERVE to know what is happening to them. As for RCW6532 saying this is all about you not her, well, yes, when people are not honest with older relatives, it IS all about them; they are too scared to deal with the truth. Likely the older person can handle way more than you imagine! Okay - off my soapbox now!

I would vote "no" for not telling your mother.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer five years ago, had surgery and meds and am currently cancer free.... BUT I am always looking over my shoulder and with every new ache and pain I panic that the cancer has returned elsewhere.

After going through cancer, believe me, if I never had cancer prior, I would NOT want to know. It can suck the life out of you.

maybe when your visiting her and waiting on something together,, you could have a hypothetical conversation with her, maybe read a post, or a local newspaper aloud to her, and answer your own question by voicing it out loud and telling her if it was You, in that position, that maybe even you wouldn't know what to do, or what you would want someone else to do, in "For you". If nothing else, I say this in hopes that you find peace for yourself, because that's most likely what she would want to..
just a thought

I am truly sorry about your Mom. My mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer an aggressive form 6 years ago. She had a mastectomy and they also removed cancerous nodes under her arm. She was unable to have chemo or radiation but only hormone therapy. The surgeon told her about how terrible the cancer was and where it would advance. She is cancer free at 91. She told the doctor up front she did not want to know and no scans. My thoughts are have you discussed wills and other life issues with her? These are common conversations families need to have, is there away to get around it someway without being direct. I would not tell my mom as I know her so well. As far as un finished business is concerned most families have some ideas what their loved ones want. I am 63 and very healthy, I have told my family my wishes. One post talked about dementia with anesthesia and I have witnessed this first hand with my father in law when he broke his hip. He has never been the same. Does the doctor say the type and progression of the disease? I don't think there is a right answer because we all have different thoughts but take sometime and get some answers, you must be overwhelmed. Please let us know how you are doing!

My mom has dementia/Alzheimer's and as above, would be terribly upset each time she is told, and she is negative and a worrier anyway so would dwell on it and carry on each time she remembered or was reminded.
A lot depends on your moms state of mind. If she is mentally stable she may resent you keeping it from her.
I would try not to let my mom know. She tells people things now that aren't a current situation.

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 87 and while the oncologist offered treatment, he advised, that he would do nothing if it was HIS mother.
My aunt lived for three more years and did not die of cancer. On the other hand, my mother contracted a rare cancer at age 85. A reputable and highly skilled cancer surgeon was willing to operate and told Mom that the surgery would be risky. While Mom also had serious medical problems,CHF, Type 2 diabetes, and COPD among them, she herself decided to have surgery, Happily her results were good. She did not need chemotherapy because the surgeon successfully removed all the cancer. While she was somewhat weakened after surgery, Mom lived with some quality of life for another 3-1/2 years. I guess what I am saying is that every situation is unique. If it were my Mom, I would carefully assess the situation and unless, there is some hope of successful treatment.and your Mom is strong enough physically and emotionally to risk surgery, I think it would be unkind to burden her further, especially if you and your family agree that news of having cancer would be devastating to her. I hope this is helpful, and I wish you
peace in whatever decision you and your family make.

Sometimes, like for your mom now, ignorance is bliss. I can't see any benefit in telling her at this point. I'm so sorry, CFE.