Let me start with I am 15 years old. For the past 7 months I have been taking care of my recently disabled mother. In July my mom got diagnosed with a rare auto immune disorder that rendered her arms and legs (practically) completely useless. I couldn't leave her home alone and had to drop out of school to take care of her, she's a diabetic with a very bad pressure ulcer and I kept coming home to the house trashed from her trying to make herself food and falling so it was clear I needed to be home more. The doctors have her on a ton of steroids and a recovery time of at least 2 years and a full recovery is not promised I started online classes but we couldn't pay for it once she was forced to leave her job and we're currently waiting on her disability check. Anyway, I'm now in night school and my online credits couldn't be transferred so I now have to take summer school as well. I'm so physically and emotionally exhausted, I now drive her everywhere, I do all grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, all important calls to doctors and lawyers, I even have to cut up her meat for her.
Everyone tells me that I'm so brave and such a good person but I don't want to be anymore!! My mom refuses to get a home health nurse, it makes her feel uncomfortable, and also doesn't want to go to assisted living though it has been offered to her on several occasions. We have no family here, so I'm doing this myself, I have no friends, no one to talk to about any of this. She also takes her anger out on me, she's shoved me, rammed her walker into my legs, yells at me all the time about all the things I do wrong. I just don't want to do this anymore. We plan to move closer to family later this year, her health permitting but I know its still going to fall on me. I feel like im honestly taking care of a toddler, when she's angry she throws her drinks and screams and cries and I know it's mostly because she's angry at her illness and not me but I can't take it.
I'm also scared for my future, I want to go to the university of Miami, its my dream school, but this summer school is really going to set me back and I'm scared that my mom won't be better in time for me to go to college. She's even asked me to consider online classes during college so I can stay home and take care of her. I'm scared that this is all my life will ever be, taking care of my mother until she dies. I get these sick thoughts that I wish she would die just so I wouldn't deal with this pressure and her tantrums and I would actually have a life again. I WOULD NEVER HURT HER OR GIVE HER SECOND RATE CARE THOUGH. Just saying. I cry almost every night and I just want to scream at her that I'm trying my best but I'm just 15. I only have my license because she's disabled, I'm not old enough to get a job. I feel like I'm 30 years old with a baby, I have to feed her, dress her, help her go to the bathroom. I do everything and it all happened so quickly my head is spinning. Its not even like I can take a break, I have no friends to unwind with and no one to leave my mom with.
There isn't much on the internet for kids like me taking care of sick parents so I figured I'd post here for advice and help and for someone to just tell me it's going to be okay i guess. And please don't suggest I talk to her about it, I've tried and she ended up guilt tripping me on how much worse she has it. Thank you for listening to my rant and I appreciate any words of wisdom you could give me.
Your mom is going to have to help herself. You cannot do that. It is physically impossible.
You are in the middle of a deep freeze in IL. and I know what area, you are in since you are mentioning St. Louis and casinos and it is very probable that you are in a very small town. Take care of yourself, first. It doesn't matter how angry your mother gets. You need a normal life.
Here's a thought. Call DCFS anonymously and see if they have any advice. I will keep thinking about this and get back to you.
The only thing I can think of other than CPS getting involved is for your aunt to start paying bills directly and not giving Mom the gambling money, and/or getting her to come to Illinois and see the situation firsthand....praying there is a light at the end of this tunnel for you all...
Thinking of you today.
Shelby, make the calls today.
There is no perfect solution here and the most hopeful solutions are going to be the hardest to make. You are being asked to make decisions that are totally inappropriate for a teenager, that sucks. You will be in my prayers.
That puts us back to "Tell your aunt."
None of this is your fault
Does she have a clue what to do or how bad this whole situation has become without a car?
How much food is in the kitchen?
When is the next utility bill due?
When is rent due again?
How is she going to get to her next doctor's appointment?
How is she going to get much less pay for her medicine?
How long until your smart phone needs to be paid on again?
I think you need to make a list of all the house hold expenses that are due, past due or coming up that cannot be paid because the money was gambled away at the casino and that there will not be anymore coming in since you cannot get to Walmart, read it to your mother and depending on how she reacts leave to a friends house and talk with CPS again. This is all your mother's fault and not your fault, but somehow you must get out of there.
I'm crossing my fingers, because this is only a rough idea, but if it wasn't more than an academic year ago, say, why not call your school and ask to speak to the Guidance Counsellor or whatever kind of welfare officer they have? The thing is, from reading your description of the conversation you had with CPS, it sounds to me like what you need is an advocate. You are ***entitled*** to help and support; and while it is true that there are other children out there who are in more immediate danger than you, it is not good enough for child protection professionals just to give you the brush off. You should be going back to that school, with support for your own home life and your mother's wellbeing in place. That's the aim.
I also like the idea of contacting your aunt and asking directly for help. When a young person manages as well as you already have done, sometimes people don't see how bad things are getting and it takes a disaster to make anything change. Well, don't wait for that. Be clear about what you want and be clear in your own mind about this: you are too young to have responsibility for your mother foisted on you. That's not an option.
1140 W. Jackson Blvd.
Chicago, IL , 60607
info@mercyhome.orgIf you are a child in need or to refer a child,
please call toll-free 1-877-24-START
For all other inquiries, please call
1-312-738-7560
Shelby: think the call to your aunt should be first but here is another idea if that doesn't work.
She may not like what's happening to her, but she needs to bite this bullet so to speak and allow you to get your education and get on with your life. It doesn't mean that you don't love her. It means you are looking at this reasonably and like an adult, someone I don't believe she is.
Is there no one else who can take on this responsibility? Does she have siblings? What about your dad?
It is NOT what she likes. It's what she needs. It's what your future is, not hers. When a person has a child, that child is their responsibility. You need to get her some in home care whether she likes this or not. You are HER responsibility, not the other way around. YOU come first. She comes second in this horrible situation she finds herself in.
Please, look at the suggestions given and get out of that situation you are in.
Now, here is the plan. Once you have the start date, phone your Aunt while Mom is asleep, all excited and tell her that school said you can start on X date. Ask if you can go ahead and come early and get started since your night school arrangement fell apart. Tell her you are worried about getting too far behind and the school is going to work with you to help get you back on track. Add that you can call around and find a temporary visiting nurse type of situation to keep your your Mom on par for the 3 month gap between March and June when you are both "supposed" to be coming. I'd think that would be hard for her to say no too. Then ask for a bus ticket and run!!!!! :-)
That forces everyone's hand without you needing to say anything bad or "rat" anyone out, gets you to safety soon, back to being in the role a teen should be, and gets you back in school. You may be right that your Aunt doesn't know what she's getting into, but that isn't anything you can change. If it doesn't go well once between Mom and Aunt once you are there, at least you'll be on the ground and able to find a close place for Mom to be where you and Aunt can stop in and see her everyday. Heads of households prompt family moves due to start dates all the time, you go girl!
It's not too late. Call your school district and meet with a counselor there to explain your situation. That will get the ball rolling.