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My Dad has problems with incontinence. When it happens he deals with it by pretending it isn't happening. I have had to tell him several times that he is not getting in my car with dirty pants. Today he said he doesn't care what other people think. He doesn't care if I am embarrassed. I've given him a lot of latitude and picked my battles. I don't say anything when he cuts lines, yells (cuz he can't hear), etc. I do not think he should go out with pee/poop on him. He otherwise seems good mentally (no memory loss). He has various medical problems and gets good medical care. This happens maybe once or twice a month but I worry all the time. He wants to go out to lunch and wants to plan trips but he refuses to acknowledge this issue. I know he can't help it and I don't want him to be housebound but what can I do?

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He undoubtedly can't handle the physical incontinency, but as for his behavior and demands??? You're not the kid who has to listen and not do what's best or pleasant for yourself. Again, assisted living communities will provide other new guy friends, activities and certainly vigilance of the incontinence. I'll bet he would love such a social offering with all the things he wants to do. Go visit some assisted living communities by yourself and see what that world really could do for a guy like your dad. Don't let yourself be beaten up. I had an ornery dad and I know how tough it was until I got tough and then we both were happier. Terie Novak - author ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents".
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You do have the right to refuse to take him anywhere with soiled clothing. There is no reason why anyone else should be exposed to the odor and/or bacteria. If appointments have to be cancelled, so be it.

There are some things that just shouldn't be tolerated.

I too would be concerned about someone reporting you to APS.
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oh, I thought you said "he has no memory problems"... dementia usually involves memory loss (I thought). In any event, he would not get into my car without clean clothes and a "Depends" with a history such as his. I agree with blannie... My Car... My Rules!
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I think he may have a memory problem. If you cannot remember to use the bathroom and you go in your pants, that is a problem that needs to be addressed with his doctor. He could also be suffering from depression so get him examined soon.
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This problem sounds familiar.... my Dad [92] is also incontinent once in awhile. But it has been ages since my Mom had bought him a Depend type product, or Guards.... but she buys Poise for herself on a regular basis.

Recently Mom started making Dad help her clean up his mess, hopefully the cleaning will be more of an issue than wearing something. Every new grocery order they give me, I hope I will see Depends or a similar product.... still waiting.... [sigh]
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There are Depends for adults that work just fine....I also hear denial in this article, from the author of the question????
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Elenas he doesn't have dementia according to his daughter. He just has the incontinence problem. I'm with the others so far - if he's going in my car with me, he's living by my rules and that would be no poop/pee on him. He may not care, but I do! Set the boundaries and stick to them whether he agrees or likes the new rules or not! Since he scoffs at your efforts to be considerate about it, I wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings - he's obviously not worried about hurting yours.
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Hmmm.... I am not sure you can make any rules for demented people. Though, you can tell him that you talked to him before many times and he agreed to clean up every time he leaves the house. Again, that will be your "job" to spend part of the day cleaning him up (after having looong conversation!). You might feel tired by the time you should take him out.... welcome to the caregiver's world!
The other option is to sign him up with a non-medical home care company who will come over one-two times a week to give him a shower. You can plan all outings for the day he is all washed. Oh, ask caregivers to put diaper on him: he might resist you, but those girls usually trained to handle it well with great result. You will really enjoy time out with your all cleaned dad.
Meanwhile you can replace all his regular underwear with diapers and remind him to change it daily. It's better to prevent accidents than clean after and feeling frustrated.
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Can you make it a new rule that he showers, shaves and changes clothing "every time" just before you leave? Introduce the new rule just before leaving to go somewhere HE WANTS TO GO; and do not leave until he adheres to the rule... even if you are late. Show him you mean it by not caving in to his stubbornness.
The above suggestions of having the dr. talk to him; and wearing pull-ups are excellent too!
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Look for other blogs here. This problem was discussed many time already! There are many nice postings you can find helpful.
Stop worry. He is an old guy and people around understand it if he has an accident. Though, from hygienic and practical points he should start wearing pull-ups.
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You have you set firm boundaries around it like others have suggested. You might want to bring it up to his doctor and address it with him at an appointment. I would suggest that going around without being clean is a sign of neglect and could cause someone to call Adult Services and cause an investigation of his care. Say that you are requiring him to be clean to protect him and looking out for what is best for him. Be loving and make it about loving him and less about your embarrassment and he is likely to resist as much.
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Wow we go through this at least a few times a week. I point out he needs to change his clothes and he gets snippy and rolls his eyes, sometimes refusing. The his son steps in and yells some. He changes and won't talk to either of us for a day or two. GAH! It is disgusting and I make sure he sits in the same dining chair for meals so no one else has to be exposed to this. He has no awareness of bacteria or germs and my efforts to cover the chairs with plastic that can easily be cleaned are met with scoffs. I refuse to take him to the doc in that condition or any where else for that matter, so usually a scramble before we leave the house . He says it is nothing and he does not know when it happens. Have been to the gastro doc, but he refuses to stay on the diet for any period of time or wear protective clothing.
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Very tough problem, I handle it by refusing to take dad out unless he is 100% clean. I ask him to do it for me because people will blame me if he is dirty. Being old doesn't free you from common courtesy and society mores. Call him on t. He is still part of his community.
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