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Two sons unable to care for her due to own health and age and daughter in law unable to help due to breast cancer and treatments. Mother in law is a very nasty person and hard to get along with. She needs help in everything. Thinking about nursing home care. She has only her pension and social security. How do you talk to a person who does not want to listen. We have no other options.

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I'm so sorry! Your family really has a lot to cope with.

I agree that calling your county social services would like be the best thing. A woman that age with health problems and little money will qualify for Medicaid which would pay the nursing home costs. She will fight anything you do, so you need to get professionals involved and let them take over. She may adjust eventually, once she knows that she can't change her situation.

Good luck to you all with your own health issues.

Carol
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My heart goes out to you and do understand the difficulty of all of this. I would first contact elder services in the town where your mother in law lives to ask their advice about the situation. I had so many obstacles to overcome taking care of three elderly in my family and they were extremely helpful. Since these professionals deal with these situations on an on-going basis; they have a wealth of knowledge.

While nursing homes are often a last resort; it can be the only solution. My mother lived in a nursing home; and of course, they have their pros and cons. But, after a period of adjustment (like anything), my mother became quite content. They are with others with similar problems. There was a lovely lunch room where my mother could have her meals if she chose to; a recreation room that served as an entertainment center, craft projects; and other forms of activities. Also, there was religious affiliations as well.

Social workers from the elder services assisting me; would come out and be with me while I spoke to my mother about the situation and are extremely supportive. Hugs to you across the miles and hope things can work out for you.
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Very tough situation, danuta. I wish you the best in this hard time. So many times I too avoid having tough conversations because of the feelings that will come to the surface. I have to remind myself that avoiding a situation does not make it disappear. And I'm in my 50s and in good health; it's just the way my family has always been!

Just a few ideas...are you able to take her to see 2-3 possible facilities so she feels she has at least a little choice in where she lives? Could you help her pick out a few small pieces of furniture and some loved possessions to take with her? Maybe, just giving her that little control will soften the situation. If you are firm with the statement that she has to move but you will let her chose what to take with her (and where she moves if that is possible) hopefully she will accept what you and the social service workers are telling her.

I think this also serves as a wake up call to all of us that we need to have these conversations early and often with those we love (I am not in any way judging your situation; maybe you've done all this already). It's also a good reminder that we all need to be planning ahead and putting our wishes in writing to save our loved ones from being in the tough situation you are in now. God bless!
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You don't! Quite simply, I'd leave it to a pro. Talk to a person proficient in this situation. Mom may be harsh with family members, but someone she doesn't know, it may be somewhat different, hopefully.
Good luck dear, and may God add His Blessings to your situation. I'm praying for you! C-ya!
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Depending on what her total income is, and whether other family members could chip in a little, it might be enough to cover a nice assisted living facility instead of a nursing home if she needs help but is mobile and not medically too bad. You might try using the services of an assisted living locator - you will want to go check out places yourself first before making the move. And, another part of the equation is whether she is competent to make her own decisions or not, and if not, whether the legal paperwork is in order (POAs, etc.) Your entree is just the reality of the situation - "hey, I hear they are selling the place and you have to find a new one, let us help you with that" - and if you choose to use a locator service, rather than drive around the neighborhood and hit the web yourself, "this guy or gal we found is an expert and can help pick a good new place for you", etc.. (to whatever degree is appropriate given her cognitive status.)
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Bless you for your concerns. Maybe if you can explain it to her as she will be moving into a beautiful place that has food service brought to her. They have activities all the time and movies to go watch. They have church and she can even get her hair done sometimes if she wishes. Tell her that she can bring with her some of her most favorite items Bible, photos, books..etc. They even have someone to do her laundry. Make it sound like a 5 Star Hotel and she wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Tell her there are people there who would love to talk to her and get to know her. Joke with her, "Heck you may find a boyfriend". Don't approach her as if you are sad and it is a bad move. Approach her as if this is a place that she just may enjoy if she gave it a chance. That is what I would do. If that didn't work, then getting some outside help is the right thing to do. They may be angry and upset but I promise you...in a few days or a week they will be okay. HUGS and LOVE to you.
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A lot of nursing home will allow her to come and move in and let you then apply for Medicaid. You will get a HUGE bill from the nursing home, but they are just waiting for Medicaid to kick in and they don't expect payment. Just make sure that she is eligible for Medicaid and you will have no problem with them making a retroactive payment from the date she was admitted.
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