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I've lost all my friends, even long term friends of 25 yrs.+ Is this unusual or pretty much the norm? I can't say I saddled my friends excessively with lots of what is going on here, but this IS my life now. I am terribly disappointed, hurt and angry, especially since I was there for some of them when they were taking care of their loved one.
Please share some of your experiences so I can better see this........cadams

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i was taking care of both mom and dad. not onr family member helped me financially or emotionally. my dad passed and i am/was still takimg.care of my mom. my brst friend of 35 years went about telling me she didnt like my mom and would not come over my house if she lived with me. i said ok thats your choice. then at a wedding (my sons) she was invited. layer that night she called me and said my mom was a nasty woman. i told her to pay me back the money she borrowed from me and never call me again. i would of rather she just stay out of my life but she chose to be cruel. it is a norm i think. people are scared to get involved, even family. its a shame but i look at it as special time i got to spend with both my parents. try to persue anything you have a passion for so that you have some happiness and maybe even meet new people who really understand.
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yes, unfortunately this happens :( a lot of times it may be they feel guilty they haven't been around. True, everyone has their own life, but it really seems people disappear. It has happened to me as well...people I felt would never betray me. And it does feel like betrayal. Esp, as you said you were there for them. One of my friends of over 35 yrs...I was there for both his mother and father and I was really shocked he dropped out of our lives and I am his adopted sons godmother. I feel like, yeah I should be there but they know wot I am going through being in medical and they saw how bad mom was. Well, what can you do. It is difficult. I guess all we can do is truly spend a bit of time writing a note or post to them saying we miss them and would they like to join you and mom for lunch. Theyll see you miss them via yer card (youve done yor part) but also see that "hey you gotta take mom and i together" ...the other side to this are those busy bodies who stay around to tell yer mom things in her ear that get back to you where it is a lot of judgements of how you are doing things or not doing things as the case may be.
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Hugs to everyone here... Cadams... Ricky6... Jenaynay... EVERYONE!

Jenaynay, is there any version of you being able to return to your town with your dad in tow? I know a gal who works in health care, and she always says how her parents have already been warned (by her) that when the day comes that they need assisted living or nursing care, they will be transported to where SHE lives (and works); not the other way around. Of course, none of us on this thread did it that way (most likely). I, for one, dropped everything and left my life behind to care for my mother in her home. That is probably the most common version of being a caregiver.
But maybe it's not too late, and you can take him home with you, to where all your friends and contacts are located.

There may also be a support group that you could attend in your area, and you could establish some new relationships there. I guess that could work for all of us!
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Yep,i have no friends or life after 7 years with dad now. I'm stuck in a town and state that I totally can't stand,because dad has his friends here. I'm so bored with my so called life.
All I do is work to make the money needed to keep dad in this crap town he loves. I feel like it will never end.
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I am a caregiver for Alz patient, he has no family and neither do I. My care is 24/7. We live in a apartment building. The apartment next door was for sale a few years ago, and it was bought by one of doctors that previously treated the Alz patient. The doctor has avoided us like plague, so what does that that tell you about people, let alone friends!
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If you lost your friends because you taking care of your mom, then they really were not friends!
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Wow----you all are amazing women. Thanks for all the input, the responses. I am saddened to learn of how common this is....the loss of friends, but I thank you for sharing your experiences. That is what I was looking for, needing to hear. You all are the true jewels that deserve only the deepest of love and respect from other friends. That they choose not to be there for us.....well, it certainly says more about them than us, for truly......I see in each of you such a diamond. Who wouldn't want each of you for a friend? I will certainly be praying for worthy, deep friendships to come into each of your lives. When I thought about it, I think my issue is more about being loaded with numerous fears, grief, dread, sadness and possibly control connected to mom's eventual passing much more than about being negative, complaining. Mom is far closer to the end and it causes me to be in a panic anymore.....the denial and grief.....well, it certainly is there. I am actually kinda positive about other various challenges as that keeps me focused on looking for creative solutions. If I complain, it is mostly about the helpers and their various antics that sometimes are downright bullying and disrespectful to me (not mom), but I am steadily getting a better handle on learning how to be a boss.....something that is very new to me and not so comfortable at all. I think this experience has changed me into a deeper person and perhaps the former friends just do not "fit" with the newer version of me. So.....lots of losses right now. I HAVE used my time to deepen my relationship with God and worked it out for a helper to come and enable me to go back to church. My journaling is deepening self awareness as well and my indoor garden seems to be exploding and bringing me great joy. I hadn't expected to lose most of my friends, but.......maybe I can look at it different.....that I am embarking on a direction....a deeper life walk.....and they can't come!!! Food for thought......cadams
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Yes, it has happened to me as well.
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Wow, Beatrice87 really nailed it! There's a lot of truth in your response. Hugs to everyone out there!
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I can only speak of my own experience on this subject. I did not lose friends. I believe this is due to the fact that I only asked ONE to do favors for me, and in fact, he was the one who offered to help in the first place. All my other friends lived far from my mom, so the only help they could really offer was a supportive phone call every couple of weeks - and that was just fine for me, because, as you know, being a full-time caregiver is all-consuming. Who has time for friends and a social life when you're caring for another individual? Trust me, I get that! Most of my friends seemed to understand why they didn't hear from me over the course of the two years that I cared for my mother, and the one local friend who was actively helpful became an even closer friend, as a result of occasionally caring for my mother.

However, THIS is the weird and unexpected loss I did experience - my aunt... my mother's sister, who lives 5 minutes from my mother... She's healthy and active...drives... in fact, she's a lot younger than my mother. I had always enjoyed a close and solid relationship with her, until I had been caring for my mother for about a year. I may never understand what happened in her mind that caused her to act and treat me very differently all of a sudden! I'll share my speculation with you, because it may shed some light on your own dilemma...

I decided, going into the role of full-time caregiver, that I didn't want to "use up" any, one person's favors. I would only ask for help when I ABSOLUTELY couldn't do something (for example, I had to leave town on a few occasions, and I needed my aunt and the other friend to step up in my absence). But my desire to be considerate of not exploiting her, actually, backfired on me! In her case, I believe, she interpreted this as me shutting her out, or WORSE, isolating my mother from the world (which, couldn't be further from reality, because my mom insisted on remaining social as much as possible). Now that my mother is gone, my aunt has only been moderately warmer towards me. She helps me with aftercare issues, but only when I ask her for help. I feel like she's punishing me for being as responsible as I was... cooking, cleaning, laundry, hygiene, meds, driving to doctors' appointments, household maintenance, etc.

Anyway, as I share my experience here, it is interesting to note that the person I became closer to was the one who offered to help (and did so), yet, the person I fell out with is the one whom I didn't want to bother unless I absolutely had to. It's as if my aunt was offended. But that wasn't my intention, at all. I was just focused on doing the right thing for my mother. If others were offended by my actions, I guess that will have to be their problem, because I've got enough of my own.
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I would say yes, pretty much the norm and one of the reasons I resorted to agingcare. To keep time for yourself and to pursue your own interests is commonsense and sensible advice but most days I am too tired after caregiving, or too sad or have to ponder what happened during the day, replay bits of the conversation I had with one or both my parents in my mind to try and work out ways to carry on from there, some clues, some hope that we will make it a bit better tomorrow, all of us. It is easy to give up on healthier activities when you are confronted with their needs and obvious vulnerability. It can be overwhelming and it can get to you. Awareness of how we ourselves are doing and at the same time being kind to ourselves regardless of our many failings. Even if people respect what you are doing they may find it uninteresting or unengaging particularly if it prevents you from focussing on their favourite topics or paying them the attention they think they deserve or devoting them the time you simply do not have. People are selfish. Do not take it personally. Just thinking aloud and wishing you the very best. Many of us here can relate and we know where you are coming from - best wishes!
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I am feeling the same way...so i have resolved to look for weekend help so that i may rejoin the human race.
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Same happened to me but I did not have lots of friends to begin with. I am very particular who I spend my time with but the few I did have were a nice outlet for me to do things, have some "girl talk" that was not really possible with husband 😉. The one thing is that I also realized is that I would have never "bailed on them" if they were in the same situation but I suppose I can say that since becoming a caregiver to Mom. If ever a friend needed me, I was there. Note, I never asked anyone to help out with Mom, just wanted a little break here and there to remember what my life used to be like. Slowly, they faded out. I become busier with her increasing needs and just trying to keep everything going smoothly. So..........I found this website and have made new friends! You always know who is true blue when the chips are down. Sadly, most people don't want a friend who is burdened and not happy go lucky anymore. That's life.
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Oh boy, I bet many can relate. I know I do. You sound like you didn't wait for your friends to ask you to help you- you just saw the need and did it. Many people get so wrapped up in their lives that they simply forget to make the time to help in even little ways. An invite to come over & let you vent or stopping by with some groceries or even offering to sit with your Mom while you took some much needed time off would be nice. I'm sorry that your kindness to them wasn't reciprocated, but you find out not only who your friends are in time of need, but their character, as well. Not all people are takers, as you have so sadly found out amongst your friends. It's difficult to make the time to find good friends when all of your time is being taken up with caregiving. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are a good person.
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I kind of thought this was just me--after caring for my hubby for several long years, after caring for dad and FIL, my "friends" just melted away. I was no longer invited to anything, and I definitely could have used the company and the support.

I don't blame them. I never said "no" to an invite, but just the fact I was tired and stressed out for about 5 years made all the but the hardiest friends just not want to be around me. My therapist has "required" of my to make a new set of friends, but this is a daunting task, in my 60's. My sibs are all fractured over mom's care and so we don't even talk any more. My sister (who had been my best friend) doesn't return phone calls b/c she will not talk about mother and she is too busy. I'm extremely lonely, and trying to fill up the time.

Hubby is a "lone wolf" type guy and doesn't like to socialize. We have no couples friends, and that makes it lonelier still.
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I do think you need to make time for yourself. You need to hire someone to come, say, once a week, once every two weeks - whatever you can afford. You need to do that for yourself. My mom moved in with us 5 months ago. My husband and I sort of team tag my mom so that I can get out with my friends. We also have a neighbor who loves my mother whom we pay to come when we both need to be out. I was taking mom with us to get-togethers with our friends, but she hated it. You didn't say whether you have another adult in your house, so I'm assuming you don't. If you do, taking care of a loved one is not a one-person job. It takes a village.
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Great advice, katiekate.
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It is a struggle that I battle constantly. Trying to juggle diverting time to friends and "me time" because both are important. When mom's gone, the last thing I need is to be a shell of my former self with no friends. I HAVE to stay in touch with some normalcy. If I isolated myself and devoted myself completely, I would lose my mind - and how would that impact our circumstances? People are caregivers for a variety of reasons. Online support groups have been a huge outlet for me. Because my mom has a terminal illness doesn't mean I need to abandon my life - I won't. I have a good many years ahead of me and so I choose to balance as best I can. I would give my eye teeth if I had a sibling like Fedupgiveup...Trying to balance "everything" and try to carve out any opportunity for respite is extremely difficult. But at the same time, it does take effort to nurture friendships. Can you "get away"? Can you find resources for respite? You might be surprised how welcoming your friends would be if you called and said you had an opportunity for a long weekend getaway, would they be up for a guest? You may surprise yourself how a few days "out of the trenches" will renew your spirit too. Catch up on their life & keep discussing your responsibilities to a minimum. Save the day to day/details of caregiving for support groups. And as for friends who you were there for when they were caregivers, they might be in a place where you may find yourself once your role has changed...Beware. Perhaps what you could say in reaching out to former caregiver friends is, "I sure can appreciate all the sacrifices you made! It's one thing being on the outside looking in, but being in the thick of it is a whole other ball game." It's bridging a gap/acknowledging without pulling them back into what could have been a period of darkness & despair. Then from that point, move forward? Otherwise, you may be better off seeking out other caregivers by attending an actual support group where you have human interaction.
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I had to limit the amount of time I spent with my sister who was my mother's caregiver. She was just draining me dry and everything I suggested or arrange to get her extra help she refused. Plus my brother was in the same town and did nothing and once again I had arranged for her to go on vacation and to have him look after mom but she refused again. I spent two weeks arranging for Red Cross to come in and clean and make meals and give my sister respite care once again she refused. In the end I realized she didn't really want help she wanted to be the Martyr and complain and complain and complain and complain. The trouble is if you have someone who is constantly negative and they're using you to get rid of all of their negative and angry feelings and responses all that negativity dumps on you and I have nowhere to go to get rid of it. If I turned around to my friend and started complaining for an hour each day about my sister I would have lost my friend too. The proper place to discuss all the anger and problems and negativity is in a support group because other people have their experiences and they can also unload all the negativity back but you can't expect a friend to listen to day after day after day of just negativity and anger and and stay a friend friendship is two ways if you only take take take take take your friends will move away to somebody who makes them more positive. I only stuck it out with my sister because I knew she needed to vent and she needed help but if it had been a friend I definitely would have hung up and not called and not picked up. Find a support group or find a counselor most Alzheimer societies have someone free of charge that you can talk to and that can listen to you and for god sakes arrange some respite care. It's out there. Get your life back and your friends will come back but don't blame them because they couldn't take the constant negativity and stress
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The same thing happened tome. My mom is now in a retirement home and now that I have the time to see my friends, they have moved on to new friends. They know this and continue to be absent in my life. I am the kind of person that will include a friend into another circle of friends so she isn't alone but this has not been reciprocated. I asked one friend to go see a movie and the answer was that she was going with another friend and would have to ask if it was ok with her. Now we are talking about 60 year old women, not kids. I found that very hurtful as we have been friends for 40 years and my view of things is, the more the merrier, that is how you meet new people.
What's sad for me is that my family has mostly abandoned me as well, no phone calls, visits or invitations unless they need me to babysit. It's like my mom was the glue that kept us together. They very rarely visit her either.
I still visit my mom every day and neither of my siblings do, one lives five minutes away and the other moved two hours away so she wouldn't have to deal with her. I am the only one of us that works full time and do everything for my mom.

it's a sad situation for all of us here going through this but I know in my heart that when she passes, I will have done everything for her that I could have and that's the only thing that gets me through the days and nights alone without the help of people who used to be there for me.
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cadams, while I sometimes feel isolated with my DH, a lot of it is by choice with me. It is me who no longer has time for the friends.

Is it possible that you are no longer reaching out to your friends? It isn't always possible to know when is convenient. If I am having to change Ray or feed him or shower him, a phone call sometimes has to be ignored. It can get to the point where people stop trying - not because they don't care, but because they don't know when is a good time.

Instead of having a "pity-party" - I have learned to reach out to them for some idle chit-chat while Ray is sleeping. They all know my circumstances and that I sometimes must run at a moment's notice. Like if Ray falls down - I must go immediately to help him get back up. They know not to be offended if I say, I have to go and then abruptly hang up the phone.

Most just ask me to call them back to let them know if all is ok or if I need help.

Every coin has 2 sides.
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You are not alone wih this problem! The only thing I can add, something I live by: Family comes first! Try to find happiness, peace and fulfillment in the love you are giving to your parent. Do find time to take care of yourself without friends. . . whatever little activity you consider a gift to yourself, give it to yourself. I will go out on a limb here because I don't know your faith beliefs: Life on this earth is short, the after-life is eternal. What you are doing is pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Our mortal life is but a blip in time compared to life everlasting. So, if you believe that, live your faith, take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You don't need an active social life for that. In this world, you are. your own bes friend. Peace to you.
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Have to agree. I lost all my friends pretty much when my Mom was terminal. What I realized is there are many people in one's life who are just there for the good times. Even though you helped them through hard times, they just don't have the moral fortitude to come forward and help. I also found this when I got sick previously. Lots of people just can't be around sick people or the aged. Even family members. I see this weekly as a care giver and it breaks my heart. My advice is dump these people. They truly are not friends. Real friends are there in both good and bad times. There are still a few jewels out there but I must say they're hard to find.
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Sorry to hear about your situation, but you did the right thing and remember "true friends" would of understood and stuck by you no matter what and your mother will "always shine her loving light on you for what you did for her.
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Something to consider not as an excuse, but perhaps as an explanation for your old friends who are former caregivers.
Sometimes those who have already been in the trenches are damaged by the ordeal to such an extent that they totally withdraw, especially from those who are still in the midst of it. There have been so many on this site who have expressed a feeling of total disconnection, who just wander through their life in a daze hoping to find a new normal once their caregiving days are over. It has got to be even harder for you to keep the connection when you are physically so far removed and there is no chance of a face to face meeting.
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I have experienced similarly, cadams. My friends do not live near me as it was necessary for me to move my family and Mom to a more cost effective location away from the city. I moved my family to a more rural area where my Mom's health care is much more personal and I could afford a better home to care for all 3 of us, my hubby included. My 2 old friends visit on average only once a year. We keep in touch with occasional email or a phone call. I am unable to leave my Mom for more than a few hours. When they visit we laugh and catch up the best we can, for a few hours, often over a bottle of wine. As for getting out to church, exercise, etc., as others have mentioned, my days (5AM - 9PM) are very hectic taking care of my own household AND my Mom's requirements. I have little time or energy for outside socialization. Are you married? If yes, talk to him about your loneliness for friendship. Grow closer to him. Do you have siblings? Talk to them? I've developed pleasant, lighthearted acquaintances at the checkout line at the grocery store just by chatting and chuckling a bit while paying for groceries, etc. Always keep in your heart that by taking care of your Mom you are doing what many, many people refuse to do...that is, give back to their parent who gave them life. You are a very generous person to be a caregiver. Love to you...
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Yes, this is common.

I can only recommend to you that you open new avenues for your interests. Happiness can only come inside ourselves.

I have always maintained my own plans, dreams. I continued to pursue them. Sometimes it was just doing more reading on the topic at night after everyone was in bed. But, each day I continued to move forward.

Build new friendships....pursue your dreams....look into yourself for your happiness.
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Cadams, thanks for raising this issue. I wonder about it often, and "shush" it away because, well, caring for a parent is an important duty.  Doing it in part to arrive at the point that Cdnreader is at: he or she can rest in the fact she did all she could. 
With the friends I've also found you can only say "no" so many times to invites. No matter how understanding they are, it gets old fast.
My mother enjoys being difficult, (also in my 9th year of ft) even with all the brushes she's had with death especially this past year. It didn't make me a happy person so I assumed some invites stopped because my personality had become negative in social situations. I didn't mind the time to to some self-observations... take stock.
As learned harshly with family, some of those friends as cetude said are afraid they may be asked to help out.
Its hard not to feel ripped off. I also don't recall any other family elders requiring such care, and for years... decades on end.  Did I b*tch about that too much with them? 
Harpcat raises some very good points.  Everyone here did.  Every time I see freqflyer has posted, I know it will be gold.  For this time, this forum and others like these, help to fulfill what caring (& informed!) friends may say.
Thanks again for raising this discussion.
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Being a friend is not a one way street. Not to place blame on you, but to look at this from a perspective other than from hurt. Did you tell them you need them in your life...or did you just expect them to know that somehow. We can't hold people to a standard that we didn't express. Also...make times for friendships even when caregiving so that they can empathize with you, share your journey...but don't make every visit about that. Ask about their lives and just have some fun with them. If all we do is moan and groan about how hard this is, people will disappear. Hire a "sitter" and make a date. Socialization has been found to be VERY important to us especially as we age and for a healthy integrated personality. Join a church, get in an adult group class, go out to exercise class, join a book club. And hire people to give you time to do so. Maintaining friendships are on both parties. Ask for what you need from them ...be proactive.
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Sure it's normal because they are afraid they may be asked to help out. Most people do not like to be inconvenienced. It is then you will know the difference between your real friends--as opposed to convenience "friends" -- real friends are very rare.  Most people are superficial and they do it for the good times and don't like to hear about problems..welcome to the human race. 
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