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I've lost all my friends, even long term friends of 25 yrs.+ Is this unusual or pretty much the norm? I can't say I saddled my friends excessively with lots of what is going on here, but this IS my life now. I am terribly disappointed, hurt and angry, especially since I was there for some of them when they were taking care of their loved one.
Please share some of your experiences so I can better see this........cadams

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I'm sorry, but yes it does happen
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Dear cadams,

I'm very sorry to hear how you feel. I know it hurts a lot. It sounds like you are very devoted, loving and loyal friend. So many of us use the golden rule but in truth some friends don't return the kindness we have shown.

I put my dad first. I turned down lunch dates. I cut short visits. It does takes a toll. We can't be everywhere at once. As much as we wish people could try and understand and accommodate us, they won't. It will be 10 months since my dad passed and I am still hurt. I had two childhood friends come back and I deeply appreciate their support. But I've also been extremely hurt and disappointed with others. I know its hard to accept.

Do you know what I tell myself now? I still don't regret putting my dad first because the pain of the grief is still unbearable. I still wished I had spent more time with my dad because he was the most loyal person. He deserved my loyalty way more than any friend.

Take care. I hope others will give more insight.
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cadams, yes very much the norm unless there is a friend who has gone through the same thing... they will stay on to give helpful advice.

How I wished I had my friends back. They left after I said "no" too many times for going out for a day of fun. Even though my parents had passed on not too long ago, there is still silence because my friends left about 7 years ago.

I did gain a friend, a cousin of mine started calling me, she had gone through major caregiving with her Mom. And we both have the same crazy sense of humor so I have re-bonded with her.

The gal who is my desk-mate when I do volunteer work, we spend our shift exchanging notes about elder care. Her elder mother-in-law just moved in. We only talk on our volunteer day because I know for her, her full time-job and dealing with Mom-in-law she doesn't have free time during the day.
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When you say you have lost friends of 25 years I wonder, did they actually tell you they didn't want to have anything to do with you anymore or have they simply stopped inviting you? Looking at it from their point of view it can be hard to keep a connection with someone who is always absent so that all the little things that happen in our lives balloon into a giant disconnect. As long as there is no animosity there may be a possibility that you can rekindle some your friendships if you try, but you may find that you just have nothing in common anymore.
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Thanks for your responses. I really need this to kinda sort things out.... I appreciate cdnreaders response about putting the parent first. I have done this as well and don't regret it at all. Mom is the best part of my day.
My friends, including long term friends, live in other states and we used to correspond regularly mostly by email, phone and even texts. Two of those long term friends absolutely have gone through caregiving and I was there for them throughout their ordeal, so I am shocked that there doesn't seem to be any desire on their part to be there for me, especially since they have been where I am at. There was no argument, anger at all before they just stopped communicating with me. I had worked hard to develop these relationships to be at a much deeper depth as that is something I dearly want and value.
I haven't really reached out to make friendships of any depth at all with those who live near by as I know I can't devote the time and depth I know is needed for much of a decent relationship. So.....it's mostly pretty superficial with those people near by. As I prepare for mom's eventual passing, I am wondering if I really want these "friends" back anyway. With such a lack of commitment, care, concern, I don't see how I could really trust them again with much of anything in my life as they don't appear to be as trustworthy as I thought they were or had hoped. I guess I sure didn't expect this at all so am having to regroup and re-think things. cadams
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It is unfortunate but it does happen as your life tends to revolve around their needs and your personal life takes a backseat...it's as thou you no longer have one...if you can manage some time to get away and do something for yourself..you will not get burnout and you will feel as though you still have a life..yes it is difficult and it is never easy and most people say they understand but they sometimes do not....it is very difficult to take care of your loved one...you feel guilty if you take some time for yourself....but you have to...sometimes the ones you were there for may not support you in the same manner and that is unfortunate but you can not change it..just accept it and do the best you can..that is all anyone can do.
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Sure it's normal because they are afraid they may be asked to help out. Most people do not like to be inconvenienced. It is then you will know the difference between your real friends--as opposed to convenience "friends" -- real friends are very rare.  Most people are superficial and they do it for the good times and don't like to hear about problems..welcome to the human race. 
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Being a friend is not a one way street. Not to place blame on you, but to look at this from a perspective other than from hurt. Did you tell them you need them in your life...or did you just expect them to know that somehow. We can't hold people to a standard that we didn't express. Also...make times for friendships even when caregiving so that they can empathize with you, share your journey...but don't make every visit about that. Ask about their lives and just have some fun with them. If all we do is moan and groan about how hard this is, people will disappear. Hire a "sitter" and make a date. Socialization has been found to be VERY important to us especially as we age and for a healthy integrated personality. Join a church, get in an adult group class, go out to exercise class, join a book club. And hire people to give you time to do so. Maintaining friendships are on both parties. Ask for what you need from them ...be proactive.
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Cadams, thanks for raising this issue. I wonder about it often, and "shush" it away because, well, caring for a parent is an important duty.  Doing it in part to arrive at the point that Cdnreader is at: he or she can rest in the fact she did all she could. 
With the friends I've also found you can only say "no" so many times to invites. No matter how understanding they are, it gets old fast.
My mother enjoys being difficult, (also in my 9th year of ft) even with all the brushes she's had with death especially this past year. It didn't make me a happy person so I assumed some invites stopped because my personality had become negative in social situations. I didn't mind the time to to some self-observations... take stock.
As learned harshly with family, some of those friends as cetude said are afraid they may be asked to help out.
Its hard not to feel ripped off. I also don't recall any other family elders requiring such care, and for years... decades on end.  Did I b*tch about that too much with them? 
Harpcat raises some very good points.  Everyone here did.  Every time I see freqflyer has posted, I know it will be gold.  For this time, this forum and others like these, help to fulfill what caring (& informed!) friends may say.
Thanks again for raising this discussion.
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Yes, this is common.

I can only recommend to you that you open new avenues for your interests. Happiness can only come inside ourselves.

I have always maintained my own plans, dreams. I continued to pursue them. Sometimes it was just doing more reading on the topic at night after everyone was in bed. But, each day I continued to move forward.

Build new friendships....pursue your dreams....look into yourself for your happiness.
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I have experienced similarly, cadams. My friends do not live near me as it was necessary for me to move my family and Mom to a more cost effective location away from the city. I moved my family to a more rural area where my Mom's health care is much more personal and I could afford a better home to care for all 3 of us, my hubby included. My 2 old friends visit on average only once a year. We keep in touch with occasional email or a phone call. I am unable to leave my Mom for more than a few hours. When they visit we laugh and catch up the best we can, for a few hours, often over a bottle of wine. As for getting out to church, exercise, etc., as others have mentioned, my days (5AM - 9PM) are very hectic taking care of my own household AND my Mom's requirements. I have little time or energy for outside socialization. Are you married? If yes, talk to him about your loneliness for friendship. Grow closer to him. Do you have siblings? Talk to them? I've developed pleasant, lighthearted acquaintances at the checkout line at the grocery store just by chatting and chuckling a bit while paying for groceries, etc. Always keep in your heart that by taking care of your Mom you are doing what many, many people refuse to do...that is, give back to their parent who gave them life. You are a very generous person to be a caregiver. Love to you...
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Something to consider not as an excuse, but perhaps as an explanation for your old friends who are former caregivers.
Sometimes those who have already been in the trenches are damaged by the ordeal to such an extent that they totally withdraw, especially from those who are still in the midst of it. There have been so many on this site who have expressed a feeling of total disconnection, who just wander through their life in a daze hoping to find a new normal once their caregiving days are over. It has got to be even harder for you to keep the connection when you are physically so far removed and there is no chance of a face to face meeting.
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Sorry to hear about your situation, but you did the right thing and remember "true friends" would of understood and stuck by you no matter what and your mother will "always shine her loving light on you for what you did for her.
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Have to agree. I lost all my friends pretty much when my Mom was terminal. What I realized is there are many people in one's life who are just there for the good times. Even though you helped them through hard times, they just don't have the moral fortitude to come forward and help. I also found this when I got sick previously. Lots of people just can't be around sick people or the aged. Even family members. I see this weekly as a care giver and it breaks my heart. My advice is dump these people. They truly are not friends. Real friends are there in both good and bad times. There are still a few jewels out there but I must say they're hard to find.
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You are not alone wih this problem! The only thing I can add, something I live by: Family comes first! Try to find happiness, peace and fulfillment in the love you are giving to your parent. Do find time to take care of yourself without friends. . . whatever little activity you consider a gift to yourself, give it to yourself. I will go out on a limb here because I don't know your faith beliefs: Life on this earth is short, the after-life is eternal. What you are doing is pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. Our mortal life is but a blip in time compared to life everlasting. So, if you believe that, live your faith, take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You don't need an active social life for that. In this world, you are. your own bes friend. Peace to you.
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cadams, while I sometimes feel isolated with my DH, a lot of it is by choice with me. It is me who no longer has time for the friends.

Is it possible that you are no longer reaching out to your friends? It isn't always possible to know when is convenient. If I am having to change Ray or feed him or shower him, a phone call sometimes has to be ignored. It can get to the point where people stop trying - not because they don't care, but because they don't know when is a good time.

Instead of having a "pity-party" - I have learned to reach out to them for some idle chit-chat while Ray is sleeping. They all know my circumstances and that I sometimes must run at a moment's notice. Like if Ray falls down - I must go immediately to help him get back up. They know not to be offended if I say, I have to go and then abruptly hang up the phone.

Most just ask me to call them back to let them know if all is ok or if I need help.

Every coin has 2 sides.
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The same thing happened tome. My mom is now in a retirement home and now that I have the time to see my friends, they have moved on to new friends. They know this and continue to be absent in my life. I am the kind of person that will include a friend into another circle of friends so she isn't alone but this has not been reciprocated. I asked one friend to go see a movie and the answer was that she was going with another friend and would have to ask if it was ok with her. Now we are talking about 60 year old women, not kids. I found that very hurtful as we have been friends for 40 years and my view of things is, the more the merrier, that is how you meet new people.
What's sad for me is that my family has mostly abandoned me as well, no phone calls, visits or invitations unless they need me to babysit. It's like my mom was the glue that kept us together. They very rarely visit her either.
I still visit my mom every day and neither of my siblings do, one lives five minutes away and the other moved two hours away so she wouldn't have to deal with her. I am the only one of us that works full time and do everything for my mom.

it's a sad situation for all of us here going through this but I know in my heart that when she passes, I will have done everything for her that I could have and that's the only thing that gets me through the days and nights alone without the help of people who used to be there for me.
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I had to limit the amount of time I spent with my sister who was my mother's caregiver. She was just draining me dry and everything I suggested or arrange to get her extra help she refused. Plus my brother was in the same town and did nothing and once again I had arranged for her to go on vacation and to have him look after mom but she refused again. I spent two weeks arranging for Red Cross to come in and clean and make meals and give my sister respite care once again she refused. In the end I realized she didn't really want help she wanted to be the Martyr and complain and complain and complain and complain. The trouble is if you have someone who is constantly negative and they're using you to get rid of all of their negative and angry feelings and responses all that negativity dumps on you and I have nowhere to go to get rid of it. If I turned around to my friend and started complaining for an hour each day about my sister I would have lost my friend too. The proper place to discuss all the anger and problems and negativity is in a support group because other people have their experiences and they can also unload all the negativity back but you can't expect a friend to listen to day after day after day of just negativity and anger and and stay a friend friendship is two ways if you only take take take take take your friends will move away to somebody who makes them more positive. I only stuck it out with my sister because I knew she needed to vent and she needed help but if it had been a friend I definitely would have hung up and not called and not picked up. Find a support group or find a counselor most Alzheimer societies have someone free of charge that you can talk to and that can listen to you and for god sakes arrange some respite care. It's out there. Get your life back and your friends will come back but don't blame them because they couldn't take the constant negativity and stress
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It is a struggle that I battle constantly. Trying to juggle diverting time to friends and "me time" because both are important. When mom's gone, the last thing I need is to be a shell of my former self with no friends. I HAVE to stay in touch with some normalcy. If I isolated myself and devoted myself completely, I would lose my mind - and how would that impact our circumstances? People are caregivers for a variety of reasons. Online support groups have been a huge outlet for me. Because my mom has a terminal illness doesn't mean I need to abandon my life - I won't. I have a good many years ahead of me and so I choose to balance as best I can. I would give my eye teeth if I had a sibling like Fedupgiveup...Trying to balance "everything" and try to carve out any opportunity for respite is extremely difficult. But at the same time, it does take effort to nurture friendships. Can you "get away"? Can you find resources for respite? You might be surprised how welcoming your friends would be if you called and said you had an opportunity for a long weekend getaway, would they be up for a guest? You may surprise yourself how a few days "out of the trenches" will renew your spirit too. Catch up on their life & keep discussing your responsibilities to a minimum. Save the day to day/details of caregiving for support groups. And as for friends who you were there for when they were caregivers, they might be in a place where you may find yourself once your role has changed...Beware. Perhaps what you could say in reaching out to former caregiver friends is, "I sure can appreciate all the sacrifices you made! It's one thing being on the outside looking in, but being in the thick of it is a whole other ball game." It's bridging a gap/acknowledging without pulling them back into what could have been a period of darkness & despair. Then from that point, move forward? Otherwise, you may be better off seeking out other caregivers by attending an actual support group where you have human interaction.
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Great advice, katiekate.
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I do think you need to make time for yourself. You need to hire someone to come, say, once a week, once every two weeks - whatever you can afford. You need to do that for yourself. My mom moved in with us 5 months ago. My husband and I sort of team tag my mom so that I can get out with my friends. We also have a neighbor who loves my mother whom we pay to come when we both need to be out. I was taking mom with us to get-togethers with our friends, but she hated it. You didn't say whether you have another adult in your house, so I'm assuming you don't. If you do, taking care of a loved one is not a one-person job. It takes a village.
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I kind of thought this was just me--after caring for my hubby for several long years, after caring for dad and FIL, my "friends" just melted away. I was no longer invited to anything, and I definitely could have used the company and the support.

I don't blame them. I never said "no" to an invite, but just the fact I was tired and stressed out for about 5 years made all the but the hardiest friends just not want to be around me. My therapist has "required" of my to make a new set of friends, but this is a daunting task, in my 60's. My sibs are all fractured over mom's care and so we don't even talk any more. My sister (who had been my best friend) doesn't return phone calls b/c she will not talk about mother and she is too busy. I'm extremely lonely, and trying to fill up the time.

Hubby is a "lone wolf" type guy and doesn't like to socialize. We have no couples friends, and that makes it lonelier still.
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Oh boy, I bet many can relate. I know I do. You sound like you didn't wait for your friends to ask you to help you- you just saw the need and did it. Many people get so wrapped up in their lives that they simply forget to make the time to help in even little ways. An invite to come over & let you vent or stopping by with some groceries or even offering to sit with your Mom while you took some much needed time off would be nice. I'm sorry that your kindness to them wasn't reciprocated, but you find out not only who your friends are in time of need, but their character, as well. Not all people are takers, as you have so sadly found out amongst your friends. It's difficult to make the time to find good friends when all of your time is being taken up with caregiving. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are a good person.
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Same happened to me but I did not have lots of friends to begin with. I am very particular who I spend my time with but the few I did have were a nice outlet for me to do things, have some "girl talk" that was not really possible with husband 😉. The one thing is that I also realized is that I would have never "bailed on them" if they were in the same situation but I suppose I can say that since becoming a caregiver to Mom. If ever a friend needed me, I was there. Note, I never asked anyone to help out with Mom, just wanted a little break here and there to remember what my life used to be like. Slowly, they faded out. I become busier with her increasing needs and just trying to keep everything going smoothly. So..........I found this website and have made new friends! You always know who is true blue when the chips are down. Sadly, most people don't want a friend who is burdened and not happy go lucky anymore. That's life.
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I am feeling the same way...so i have resolved to look for weekend help so that i may rejoin the human race.
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I would say yes, pretty much the norm and one of the reasons I resorted to agingcare. To keep time for yourself and to pursue your own interests is commonsense and sensible advice but most days I am too tired after caregiving, or too sad or have to ponder what happened during the day, replay bits of the conversation I had with one or both my parents in my mind to try and work out ways to carry on from there, some clues, some hope that we will make it a bit better tomorrow, all of us. It is easy to give up on healthier activities when you are confronted with their needs and obvious vulnerability. It can be overwhelming and it can get to you. Awareness of how we ourselves are doing and at the same time being kind to ourselves regardless of our many failings. Even if people respect what you are doing they may find it uninteresting or unengaging particularly if it prevents you from focussing on their favourite topics or paying them the attention they think they deserve or devoting them the time you simply do not have. People are selfish. Do not take it personally. Just thinking aloud and wishing you the very best. Many of us here can relate and we know where you are coming from - best wishes!
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I can only speak of my own experience on this subject. I did not lose friends. I believe this is due to the fact that I only asked ONE to do favors for me, and in fact, he was the one who offered to help in the first place. All my other friends lived far from my mom, so the only help they could really offer was a supportive phone call every couple of weeks - and that was just fine for me, because, as you know, being a full-time caregiver is all-consuming. Who has time for friends and a social life when you're caring for another individual? Trust me, I get that! Most of my friends seemed to understand why they didn't hear from me over the course of the two years that I cared for my mother, and the one local friend who was actively helpful became an even closer friend, as a result of occasionally caring for my mother.

However, THIS is the weird and unexpected loss I did experience - my aunt... my mother's sister, who lives 5 minutes from my mother... She's healthy and active...drives... in fact, she's a lot younger than my mother. I had always enjoyed a close and solid relationship with her, until I had been caring for my mother for about a year. I may never understand what happened in her mind that caused her to act and treat me very differently all of a sudden! I'll share my speculation with you, because it may shed some light on your own dilemma...

I decided, going into the role of full-time caregiver, that I didn't want to "use up" any, one person's favors. I would only ask for help when I ABSOLUTELY couldn't do something (for example, I had to leave town on a few occasions, and I needed my aunt and the other friend to step up in my absence). But my desire to be considerate of not exploiting her, actually, backfired on me! In her case, I believe, she interpreted this as me shutting her out, or WORSE, isolating my mother from the world (which, couldn't be further from reality, because my mom insisted on remaining social as much as possible). Now that my mother is gone, my aunt has only been moderately warmer towards me. She helps me with aftercare issues, but only when I ask her for help. I feel like she's punishing me for being as responsible as I was... cooking, cleaning, laundry, hygiene, meds, driving to doctors' appointments, household maintenance, etc.

Anyway, as I share my experience here, it is interesting to note that the person I became closer to was the one who offered to help (and did so), yet, the person I fell out with is the one whom I didn't want to bother unless I absolutely had to. It's as if my aunt was offended. But that wasn't my intention, at all. I was just focused on doing the right thing for my mother. If others were offended by my actions, I guess that will have to be their problem, because I've got enough of my own.
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Wow, Beatrice87 really nailed it! There's a lot of truth in your response. Hugs to everyone out there!
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Yes, it has happened to me as well.
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Wow----you all are amazing women. Thanks for all the input, the responses. I am saddened to learn of how common this is....the loss of friends, but I thank you for sharing your experiences. That is what I was looking for, needing to hear. You all are the true jewels that deserve only the deepest of love and respect from other friends. That they choose not to be there for us.....well, it certainly says more about them than us, for truly......I see in each of you such a diamond. Who wouldn't want each of you for a friend? I will certainly be praying for worthy, deep friendships to come into each of your lives. When I thought about it, I think my issue is more about being loaded with numerous fears, grief, dread, sadness and possibly control connected to mom's eventual passing much more than about being negative, complaining. Mom is far closer to the end and it causes me to be in a panic anymore.....the denial and grief.....well, it certainly is there. I am actually kinda positive about other various challenges as that keeps me focused on looking for creative solutions. If I complain, it is mostly about the helpers and their various antics that sometimes are downright bullying and disrespectful to me (not mom), but I am steadily getting a better handle on learning how to be a boss.....something that is very new to me and not so comfortable at all. I think this experience has changed me into a deeper person and perhaps the former friends just do not "fit" with the newer version of me. So.....lots of losses right now. I HAVE used my time to deepen my relationship with God and worked it out for a helper to come and enable me to go back to church. My journaling is deepening self awareness as well and my indoor garden seems to be exploding and bringing me great joy. I hadn't expected to lose most of my friends, but.......maybe I can look at it different.....that I am embarking on a direction....a deeper life walk.....and they can't come!!! Food for thought......cadams
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