My parents are classic enablers. They allowed my niece to move into their home approx 10+ years ago. She is a heroin addict, no job, no drivers license, etc. My dad passed last year. I took care of him for the last 5-6 months and dealt with having to hide drugs from her and fight her over his care (she didn’t want him on hospice, didn’t like his nurse, took his morphine, got mad because I didn’t ask her before putting him on oxygen and moving him into a hospital bed). He was extremely worried about her abusing my mom, but wouldn’t allow us to remove her from home.
After he died, Mom spent about 5 months staying at home or with different relatives. When she stayed at home she had to hide any money and meds in her bra at night to keep niece from stealing it.
After numerous ER visits in Dec, I brought her to my house to stay. I am her durable and healthcare POA. Mom is still paying all the bills at her home and niece is still living there for free. She drives my dads truck and keeps it hidden, she’s put deadbolt locks on office door and her bedroom door, she’s got cameras inside and outside, moms house always smells like pot now, and she cusses and screams at me when I’m there. Mom still won’t let me have her evicted. Mom keeps saying that she’s going to go back home and stay. Mom had lower back surgery in late January and major abdominal surgery in April. She is now considered to be in stage III kidney disease. Mom takes a lot of prescription drugs including narcotics. I take her to all of her Dr appointments, handle all of her finances, etc. It’s a 5-hour round trip just to take her to her monthly Dr appt. because I live 2.5 hours away. My mom is always sick. As soon as you get her thru one crisis or illness, there’s something new the next day. It just never ends. My sister (nieces mom) is disabled (hasn’t worked for 20+ years). She has smoked pot since a young teen. She is almost as bad, or worse in some things, as her daughter! She won’t allow her daughter to live with her because her daughter has hit her before, but she is all for her living at moms. Just yesterday after moms monthly Dr appt, my sister asked for moms username and password so she could access moms healthcare info. I refused to give it to her which got me another cussing fit from the niece. I offered to let her see the info if mom wanted her to see it, but I refuse to give her access. Mom doesn’t want me to give her access but is ok with her seeing it. Needless to say, my sister didn’t want me to show it to her since I wouldn’t give her access. I didn’t even acknowledge my niece, just got mom and left and came home.
I have also been handling the probate stuff for my dads passing because mom can’t. That’s another huge nightmare!
How do you guys handle dealing with crazy, narcissistic people when you’re the caregiver but your parent is a huge enabler??
Some days I just want to wash my hands and walk away, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
Thanks for letting me vent here. I apologize for the long post!
The truck is still a major problem. If your niece causes an accident, your mother can face both criminal charges and financial liabilities for knowingly letting your niece drive it without a license. So make sure she's aware of that. Maybe your mother could be persuaded to sell the truck for your niece's safety, since her drug use could lead to her being injured in an accident. (That probably won't persuade her, but it may be worth a try at least.)
If mom is not competent and you are POA you can start eviction as the POA.
If your POA allows you to act on her behalf on all matters now then you can begin eviction.
Report the vehicle as stolen. Don't allow your enabling Mom to have any say in it. Maybe don't even tell her what you're doing so that you don't have to "convince" her to agree to the actions.
The fact that you haven't done any of these things may indicate you are also an enabler, or you've been guided by your Mom's faulty thinking and don't understand what DPoA is. FYI the longer you allow the niece to stay there unpunished the longer she stays sick. Get her out of there. The longer you allow this to go on, the worse it will get.
There things you can do (like take the house title and have a locksmith remove the existing locks and replace with remotely controlled deadbolts using your smart phone), start eviction, apply for a restraining order, install cameras, etc -- but at this point I would consult with an attorney first.