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I identified so much with the young woman trying to care for her mother who obviously has narcissitic personality disorder. My question is how to see the parent gets proper care if the NPD abuse is going on?

My mother has NPD, and I am just moving in with her now so that she can financially afford to live at home rather than going into assisted living. She has exhausted reverse mortgages. I have multiple sclerosis, and the verbal abuse is flying. The stress makes my symptoms flare. Already less than one week in her house, and I am left drained and crying all the time. I am afraid for my dog. Despite objections, my mother feeds him old fish, hot dog buns, etc. There has already been one emergency trip to the vet and, at times, I'm afraid she will hit him. My mother has dementia and wanders, has a horrible memory, hallucinations, etc. She is 91, and I am 63 years old and am afraid of dying prematurely due to the stress and leaving my mother to fend for herself.

Should I place her in a home against her objections? I'd thought of trying to find 2 spots in assisted living, one for my mother and one for me (in a more independent program). Is this a reasonable idea?

Please, please, any suggestions would be helpful!

Thanks...Janet

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Do it and do it soon. YOur health has to come first. My mother should be classified as NPD, she is very vain and is obessed with her appearance. We convinced her to move to a senior community and it has worked out much better than we hoped. Your mother has more problems than mine and I would not even consider living with mine.
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I usually don't respond or add comments but this situation touched my heart in two ways. My mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder which I and my three brothers dealt with all our lives. My youngest daughter has MS so I truly understand your health issues also. After we placed Mom in a total care facility and her medications were regulated for the first time in her lifetime, she became a happier,kinder,and gentler person who actually acclimated quickly to her new living situation. The many caring professional staff members quickly befriended her and she even had a staff member from medical records who was her "CARING BUDDY." Don't get me wrong there was a period of adjustment for her but the improvement we saw in her personality, behavior and happiness was worth the wait for her to adjust to new environment. As far as your own health,"Think about yourself first and then the other guy!" It is so important for you to deal with keeping yourself well and limit exacerbations. It's enough for you to deal the the awfull MS fatigue and other impositions of the disease.You need to avoid the stress of caring for your Mom and any other stressful life situations and above all negativity caused by certain people in your life. Things will get better,you'll see! There are people who care and understand. You don't have to go through this alone.....talk to a friend,relative, or a professional!
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Well here we go again - another thread that I can dearly relate to. If you are not tied to your mother financially (and the emotional commitment of living with her is only a week or so old) - get out now!!! It will only get worse for you. I am 56 - live with my 84 year old NPD, Borderline Personality Mother. I am financially able to leave but emotionally dwarfed and can't leave nor 'desert' her at this stage of the game. I should have made the break years ago. Thankfully, I am able to send my 18 year old daughter off to college in the Fall so she can make the break.
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Hi. I sympathize with you. I'm trying to decide how to help my aging parents from 1600 miles away. I would love to live with them, but that means leaving my family and grandkids here. Your problem is special though. You can't help your mom when she is a danger to herself or others. Although it is heartbreaking and she will be angry and defiant, placing her in some type of home is your best option for several reasons. One is that she will get the kind of care she needs from professionals who understand her personality disorder and can handle it in a more effective, nonprofessional manner. There is also the fact that she may hurt herself, you, your pet or another person. Caring for a person with dementia requires a large reserve of energy and the ability to channel certain behaviors out. She would receive this in a nursing home. It seems you are all alone trying to deal with this. You mom also has several other mental and emotional problems that only get worse as time goes on. My grandmother had severe OCD and was just a disagreeable person. My parents placed her in three different nursing homes until they found a small one with the time and knowledge to handle her special problems. She never had dementia, and my parents cared for her as long as they could.
The stress on my mom was horrible and took her a long time to recover from. This brings us to another important reason to place your mom in a home. You have only been caring for her for a week and already you are experiencing the extreme stress
that comes from dealing with an elderly parent, especially one with the potential to be hurtful. Your second choice might be to get someone to come in as a caretaker during the day or part of the day to help you, but you would still carry the brunt of the load. I realize there is a guilt factor in placing your parent in a home, but it is the best and safest place for her. You're life is important too, and you aren't that old - although you probably feel it at this time. Your mom is not going to get better and you are not really able to care for her properly no matter how hard you try or want to. So again I say the safest and best place for your mom at this time is a nursing home. Don't expect her to understand. Unfortunately, there sometimes comes a time when we are our parent's parent, in that we have to make the hard decisions for them that they are not able to make for themselves. Your mom might yell and fight like crazy (my grandma actually punched the nurse at one of the homes), but
that is because she is not able to process information correctly.
Right decisions are hard to make. Sometimes the harder the decision is to make, the more it needs to be made. You can visit your mom in the home as often as you wish, and you can always reassure you of your love. You won't be doing a bak thing by placing her in a home. You will be doing the best thing for her and for yourself. Good luck to you. Vickie
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What I would like to know is my 87 yrold NP mother as unhappy as she leads me to believe.I know she is depressed.She did not do enough to keep her family close.She is now suffering the consequences.Her children (6) cannot stand her.As one sister said
nothing sticks to her.She has all the same traits as mentioned previously.She does not boss us around or make demands.She manipulates me. Feel sorry for me syndrome..but does nothing to try and help herself.She is jeaulous that I still have my independence.She does have dimentia. It is so difficult to tell if it is the dementia or just her usual self.She is failing because she knows it all and will not listen to anyone.She is not old....as far as she is concerned.There is so much to say about her,about me,about my sisters and brothers,I am so tired.She lives in an AL and thank GOD
they want her.You have know idea how difficult it is for me to spend time with her.Her opinions on everything are so warped.
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My mother is NPD also. It never ceases to amaze me how she is able to manipulate people into doing things for her.

You have to take care of yourself expecially if you are ill. Your mother only thinks of you as a machine that does what she wants and as you become more disabled she will think of you as a broken machine, become more abusive or if you are lucky get rid of you. These people have no compassion.

Get out and care for yourself. You have no business trying to care for a 91 year old NPD. She'll find another sucker.
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JANET:

It's clear your mother needs help from someone somewhere else. Also, it's time for you to put yourself first; to love yourself the way you should and find a place where you can be at peace for a change. If you think you're helpless, just imagine how that dog feels. No one, including this poor creature, should have to live in fear. When you finally start packing, s/he should be at the top of the list.

Wish you the best.

-- ED
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Hi pirate Queen. I recently joined an online Yahoo support group for adult children of parents who have or had NPD. It's an eye opener, for sure. It looks like most of us didn't realize it until our 50's. My sister escaped when she got married and moved to another state. I lived apart from my mother until this week and was amazed to rediscover her controlling nature. Combine that with dementia - WOW! I'd love to have the link you offered. Thanks very much!
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PriateQueen - yes, all states should have not for profit continuing care facilities.
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Do they have those in all states..places period are hard to research and find.
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Look for a place that has a tiered system from IL to AL to LTC & SNF then hospice. So that you do not have to move again if you can help it. I think the idea of both of you all moving into it is great if you can afford to do that as it sounds like you all are very intertwined and at 63 & 91 that is the way it is. But each of you should have your own room & or roommate. Good luck.
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Dear Janet...oh I am an expert at NPD myself...just figered that out 2 years ago after a lifetime with my mother that she had NPD...going through her decline was not fun..still going through it ..she is almost 87 and declining more recently..I have never moved in with her because she is controlling. There was an excellent blog about NPD's and how they affect us. If you would like that information please let me know and I will send you the website information. The girl has stopped posting but there is tons of articles and feeback posts from many folks that have parents or relatives or siblings that have NPD. Oprah or Doc Phil should do an entire show about that...it would be an eye opener for a lot of people. One thing that struck home when I read this blog ernestly 2 years ago...was one article was about how NPD is NPD till death...and I can see it.
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I placed my mom in an ALF against her will with dementia at 89.
It took about 3 months before she finally settled in and now is happier than she has been in years....It will be I year next month and she thinks she has lived there forever.
Shes pretty social so she likes having people around and enjoys the activites. She was absoluetly miserable and depressed before I moved her in. Now I don't have to worry about her saftey...... I should have done it 3 years earilier right after my father passed away. I tried to give her the benefit of doubt that she could take care of herself but she really coudln't.
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Take care of yourself!! I have no serious health problems and I am so wore out, frustrated, and have to protect my cat from Ruth. So if it all possible put her in a home where she can be cared for and you can at least go visit her when your health permits. I hope you find your solution soon as your own health needs immediate attention.
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You are living in a toxic environment and need to find more approrpriate surroundings for the both of you. I can understand the practical side of your decision to move in with your Mom....you were leading with your heart. However, you did not factor in her extreme behaviors that I assume have been going on for years.
As much as I love my Mom, I know that neither of us would be happy living under the same roof. The compromise I struck was to find her an apt. in the same complex I live in. I also have paid caregivers who come in once or twice a week. My wish for her is to live in a home environment for the rest of her life. But I also know that this may not be possible. You need to think of your health (and your dog's too.) Many caregivers pass away before their charges. At 91 years old, and with all her medical issues, she should probably be in a place where the staff can properly care for her needs.
Good luck...there are never any good answers when you care for an elderly family member.
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Put her in a home. Please save yourself, I feel so bad when I read these stories of people taking so much abuse from elderly parents who can and cannot help their bad behavior. But you are not well, you need to save yourself and your dog. Your Mom will be well cared for. I think people have alot of bad feelings about nursing homes. I would love to know why. My Mom tells me and my brother that is where she wants to go and we are very nice to her. She says she wants to have elderly friends around. I don't know but, would love to hear input from people who have parents in nursing homes. Good Luck.
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