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my suggestion is her reality is her reality and arguing can just be counter productive... take care
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It's good that you were able to find a nursing home that you are happier with. No, it doesn't seem that treats will harm him.
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My dad has dillusions of drug runners trying to force drugs on him and taking him to odd places. It's hard to understand these dillusions but if you think outside the box it's the nurses telling him here's your meds and he's in a nursing home not his home. We did finally get him in a better nursing home that they hide the meds in food but he still has dillusions it's part of alz. He even has meds to help but it just numbs it, he still has dillusions just not as hard on him. When he wants something I can't give him I just say ok I'll work on it and change the subject to something he can have. I also make sure the nursing home has his favorite things like coke, cashews, ice cream and I take in a little candy once in a while. Dad has gone from 220 to 135 in a year so I don't think these treats along with his 2 servings at each meal will hurt anything. Dad has to be in a nursing home he's an aggressive alz and parkinson patient with sundowners.
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Coleen your Dad seems to be more like my Mom. She has places to go and things to do and there is not much you can do to dissuade her. Christmas morning she needed to go to the PO and get the mail. Over and over, let's go let's go. Finally we went to the PO, no lights, it is closed. She gets out of the car, tries the door, they are closed. (Imagine!) That was the end of it...for about 20 minutes. It has nothing to do with being "right" and everything to do with how many times you can go someplace you can't go to at that time to show her it isn't possible. The funeral parlor isn't open at 6 am; the bank is closed on Sunday; my Aunt sold her house 2 years ago and no the new owners don't want Mom stopping by 14 times a day to say hello. She loves to visit and be social and we and her caregiver take her where she wants, provided it is doable. But, there are times it isn't and she just does not stop. Her favorite phrase is "let's go"! We've counted...on average 42 times in 10 minutes she says "let's go"! From the first thing in the morning till when she falls asleep at night, she wants to go. When you are with Mom, that is what you are doing, being with Mom. She loves to ride around but short of that she has the attention span of a gnat and it is impossible to get her interested in anything. Yes she is on medicine and yes we have told the doctors. She is actually a bit better. But when she gets a thought she'll hound you to death!
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I believe you've been given wise counsel. Thank you for the phrase, Ladeeda. I will use it to help a potential client deal with her Dad. I'm interviewing for a respite care position for a gentleman with rather rapidly advancing Dementia. He is starting to see things and imagine things. I will use that phrase for his daughter, who was really upset about this today. Go to his world.... wow. So tender. Thanks.
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I agree with the go with it suggestions. That dosen't always work though. When a danger is involved. As always I have a story pertaining to this subject. Mom was living in my house, she was comfortable for the most part at the point in time of this story. On thursdays(I worked from 4pm till 8pm) I would take her to my job(hairdresser) she'd chat with the regular customers who were aware of her condition. So she enjoyed going there I think in her stage of dementia it was perfect surroundings,pleasant, social, we all made her pretty. Well one thursday for some reason she thought my boss was picking her up for a date. She waited by the front window for hours. I kept asking her Mom what are you doing, "Wainting for my date!" I'd say Ok and just took advantage of the respite so to speak. All the time wondering how long this would last. then the time came I had to leave to go to work. I thought to myself there is no way I am going to convince this woman there's no date. Yikes!!! what to do? So I called a friend, without mom knowing, asked her to call me back, so phone would ring, and I would pretend I was talking to Mom's date. So after I answered the phone I made sure Mom heard my conversation as I said "Ok I'll bring her there to meet you instead" Then I hung up and told Mom "yourdates car broke down so we have to go meet him." She just as I hoped"OH No is he ok, Let's go then he needs our help" So we were on our way. As soon as we got in car she forgot the whole thing about the date and were we were going. That sort of thing worked for only so long though. The dementia progressed and moods and delusion were out of control after a while. I had imaginary boundries, safety, security, and happiness, if any of these things were out of control call the police. Delusion is ok if harmless if it does not cause a danger. Hugs and Love
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So what do you say in these situations that I find myself in with my 89-year-old father? "I need rope." "May I ask why?" "To adjust the harness on our team of horses." "Dad, we don't have any horses. We haven't had horses for 45 years." OR "I have to leave now and have these soil samples tested." (He was an engineer for his whole life.) "Dad, there aren't any soil samples." "Well this is a concrete office (our house he's lived in for 30 years) and I have to have my soil samples tested." "This is your house, Dad. See the kitchen? See your chair? See your dog" OR "When are you taking me home?" "This is your home, Dad." repeat of above.

I don't know how to "go along with this" when he is expecting results. Everyone is right; contradiction is NOT what he wants to hear and arguing does no good. I try changing the subject, but sometimes he won't let it go.

So, is my situation similar to what everyone above me is finding, or am I on a different track here because he wants ACTION and there's no where to take him. He hasn't done engineering in 20 years, but there are times he really thinks he's still working and it's very real to him.
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Dear no3daughter,
There is no reason to correct her. Do you still need to be right? At this stage of life it does not matter in the greater scheme of life, who scored points or your Mother has a perfect memory. This is her memory. Just say "yes Mom."
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I found with my mother if I corrected her, she got very upset. So, change of plans,
I would just change the subject.
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This is hard stuff. Dad would get fretful about where mom was. He wanted to go find her. He didn't remember or wouldn't accept that she died. I had a very hard time with this one at first. I told him that if she were alive she would be right here with him. If he's distraught I correct him but if if not I just let it go. I love this site too.
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Research "Validation Therapy", it will be helpful. Delusions are one thing, but forgetfulness and dementia are altogether different. Delusional behaviors have a root, some sort of underlying medical condition that's causing irrational thoughts and behavior (ie Urinary Tract Infection). Dementia is chronic in nature and can be treated, but rarely cured. Research and read books on these disorders, as you will gain so much knowledge and knowledge is powerful in these situations. God Bless you for taking care of your mother.
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Thanks so much for the suggestion. I have to stop at the library later and will look for this.

Sometimes I am better than others at remaining calm. I try to remind myself that Mom doesn't want things to be like this anymore than I do and there are only so many things you can change. This isn't one of them.
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Someone on this forum mentioned Naomi Feil Validation techniques in another string. I looked it up online and then got and read one of the books. It's totally changed how I handle these kinds of situations, and made me way more effective, which has eased up the stress on both me and my mom. It's also affecting how I am with other people who aren't delusional. Check it out. Really, really, powerfully useful.
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Elizabethgrace, I was happy to see you say, "easier said than done". I sound like I am dealing with Mom's dementia, but there are times I could just scream. Times when I end up arguing, even though I know that it is a waste of breath!

Ladeeda, that is the perfect thought. I need to paste that somewhere I can read it!

My Mom is perfectly capable of having two parallel thoughts...My Aunt E. died this fall. Mom knows she died, she visits her at the cemetery. If you ask her, she'll say Aunt E is in heaven. Without a pause she'll then say, let's go! where? To see Aunt E! Over and over and over.

I give everyone here credit for their patience.
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ppj, happy to hear the words helped. It does make things so much simpler and easier on Ruth I can not imagine what is going on and how she perceives things. Must be very frightening for her at times, especially if someone is trying to convince her what she is feeling is not true... it is true to her... so , like I said happy to hear that it helped. keep coming back and posting, it is good for the soul...I call this sight my "sanity saver".... hugs across the miles
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hi no3daughter... Should I "correct" my mom or allow her to have delusions when I am taking care of her?

Correcting your mom every time she says or does something you don't agree with, is going to keep you mighty busy.

I don't know if you have ever been corrected, usually, once doesn't bother one, if it is done gently. 3 times for the same thing, is a bit irritating for anyone. Resentment will follow and frustration for everyone.

...allow her to have delusions??? This is out of your control, she is going to have delusions whether you like it or not. As long as they are not harmful, what is the harm and who cares.

She is your mother, be her friend instead of her control officer. Step into her world, go along with her into her fantasy world. Listen to her words, you may learn more about her. Relax and enjoy the moments you have. When she is gone, her fantasy's will put a smile on her face.

Sad to say, one day you may be in her shoes, having similar delusions, how would you want to be treated?

If you don't want to listen to her, take an activity in to interact with her. Preoccupy her with something that would stimulate her mind.

Memory Jogging Puzzles has memory puzzles and matching games that she would enjoy, because the themes are from her era. (Norman Rockwell - The Saturday Evening Post)
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Ladeeda ... .I just love that "I go to her world, she no longer lives in mine." That is so helpful to me ... I memorized and will quote it to myself all day long when needed. That's why I love this site. Thanks so much!!!!
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My experience is just to go along with it. That is her reality now. She has lost the power of reasoning. It doesn't have to make sense to us, but we can try to keep them calmer by just agreeing to whatever they are talking about. I always say that I go to her world, she no longer lives in mine. Don't try to "convince" her, it won't work, and as you said, you both get frustrated. To what end? Just go along with it, it will be less stressful for both of you... hugs to you. and welcome to this sight. hope you stay around..
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Like nateaton said, without knowing the details, here is my opinion...if something gives her comfort, then roll with it. I've found that when my mother is insistent that she needs to go to a doctor - even though she has forgotten that she saw one yesterday or doesn't need one, then simply saying, "Sure, I'll work on that for you." will settle my mom down. My mother's therapist has taught me to go along with her and hope that she will forget. Arguing with her will make her dig her heels in and there will be no peace - she won't forget under those circumstances. I will admit, sometimes my exhaustion and/or aggravation with her will make me try to reason with her until we are both frustrated beyond belief. If I remember that she can no longer reason and just try to say the thing that will give her peace, then things are much happier. (by the way, this is easier said than done!)
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I guess it would depend on the 'delusions'. If she's thinking that you're a stranger trying to kill her, so she reaches for the phone to call 911 then yes I would correct her. But if she's talking about people that are dead like they're still alive, then what's the harm of her making that mistake? That's all I can suggest without knowing anything more I guess. Sorry.
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