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My mom has a sister that was recently sent home to pass ( Brain Cancer ). They have not spoken in many years after the passing of my grandmother ( family upset over will and $ ) mom has early Alz. and sometimes not sure as to what sister it is. She ( mom)has panic attacks and takes a nerve RX for it. My fear is if I take her to see her sister that it will be to much for her and send her over the edge. She's been with me for 5 years and other than the short term memory problem , she's ok ( able to feed , dress, drive local , ) again my fear is this visit would be to much of a shock for her. I'm torn as what to do and would appreciate the opinion of others in similar position.
Thank you.

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Has either your mother or your aunt asked to see the other?

If not, I wouldn't suggest the visit.

If your aunt has, you need to decide whether on balance it will be beneficial to your mother for her to visit or not - weighing the stress and upset and effort against the possibilities of reconciliation, acceptance and leave-taking. If you decide it isn't beneficial, then visit your aunt yourself if you can and explain. If you decide it is, stay in charge of any conversations and get your mother out of there if it's going badly: don't allow her to be distressed by anyone else.

If your mother is aware of your aunt's condition and wants to see her, it's easy - you must take her, and be ready to manage any fall-out as well as you can.

Good luck. And once you've made your reasoned decision, don't feel guilty about it: you'll have done your best.
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Apple67 - so sorry to hear about your aunt. Have you visited your dying aunt and if so, have you asked her if she wishes to see her sister? I think your aunt is the one to worry about as to whether she needs closure or whether she would like to see her sister before she passes. If your aunt wishes to see her sister, then you can wait for a lucid moment and mention to your mom that her sister is in frail condition (not that she is dying) and her sister wishes to visit with her. If your mom refuses, go back to your aunt and tell her that your mom is not feeling well (i.e., a cold, flu, etc.) and leave it at that. At least you will know that you did your best to fulfill both their wishes and you won't have to live with that never-ending question and/or guilt.
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Can you check with her doctor to see what he or she thinks is best given your mother's mental and physical state. Maybe a phone call to the doctor will suffice.
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I used to badger my mom to call her friends (I have them set up on speed dial for her) and she never did. One day while I was there, I decided we could call her best friend. It was awful. Neither could hear the other (I had it on speaker phone for my mom). My mom has no short-term memory and so she can't really carry on a conversation for more than a few minutes. Her friend is nearly deaf and doesn't have a special phone, so couldn't hear half of the conversation. They both ran out of steam after about two minutes. I'll never push my mom to call anyone again. She's just lost that capability, unfortunately. It's sad.
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APPLE, I've had the same question for my mother and her sister, who lives 8 hours away. My mother says sometimes we need to go visit her. The trouble is that I know my mother well enough that I know she will be ready to leave an hour or two after getting there. That is the way it always is when we visit someone. My mother and her sister are not close. They spent 60+ years rarely seeing each other. They don't even like to talk on the phone. So I ask myself why I would want to invest 16 hours of driving time so they can visit for 1-2 hours. Sometimes we have to use our own best judgment.
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I agree listen to your gut..

You said your Mom feeds, dresses herself which is so helpful to you, but I have to say that her driving even locally with ALZ and panic attacks raises a red flag! Maybe it's time to rethink her driving..
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Does your mom know the shape her sister's in? What does she say/think about it? Has she expressed any desire to see her? If you think it would be too much for mom, what about you going to represent the family? That's a middle-of-the-road option. You get to say your goodbyes to your aunt and show some grace about the family squabbles and mend some fences with her children if she has any.
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Kathy1,
Thank you. No skype or letters. I can drive mom it will be a 1 1/2 -2 hr drive. And I've been waiting for my inner voice to speak , but this one is a tough one. Half of me says why bother because they haven't spoke in years and mom may not remember soon after anyway . Also the possible pain and damage it could cause my mom. Then my guilt says take the high road and put all feelings aside and take her. I hope to make the right decision soon then again I don't know if such a thing exists . I've given my self one week to do something.
Thanks again for your opinion I do appreciate it.
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You know what to do. Listen to your gut, trust it, and don't second guess your decision. You, the caregiver know best how the travel will affect your Mom. Can they skype, write letters?
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