I want to take Mom on outings from the nursing home as much as possible is this a good idea?

Poor lady.

I can see how difficult it is for your daughter to contribute. My daughter, who adored her granny, struggled with not enough time too - she didn't like making flying visits, but it was very hard for her to get away from work for longer. I'd keep encouraging your daughter to go if possible: short and sweet, with a big cuddly hug at the end, is better than no visit at all.

The niece has a big yellow stripe down her back; but what can you do. She has freaked out and you won't change her mind by feeling angry or disappointed with her.

That doesn't mean you can't privately consider her to be a cowardly ingrate, of course. But let her problem be her problem and not yours.

Find something nice to do for yourself after visits. Favourite music for the car on the way home, or a detour for some special coffee, something like that. Just a little reward to comfort yourself, and acknowledge that although you're doing this because you love and care for your stepmother, you need love and care too.

Can you make friends with people visiting other residents, perhaps?

I have a daughter who she dearly loves but with young children and a full time nursing position it does not leave much time. We live about 30 min from here memory home and so you just can't drop in and leave because she can see the sadness in her memaws eyes and she feels like she can't go. My husband is a really sweet guy but he gets very uncomfortable because the last couple of times he went she mistaken him for Don and that was just a mess. She had know biological children I am the only one. She has 2 nieces and 1 nephew, none of which has anything to do with her except her nephew that has come by there 2 times for about 30 min going to.Florida he lives in South Carolina. One of the nieces ishe help put her through college and then helped her son. When my father died it became very noticeable that her disease was getting worse. Well that niece turned her back on her and told me she just could not handle it and walk away. Her sister and brother have passed away so there is only me. She became my parent 39 years ago and was awesome with me and I will be there for her every step of the way. You know that is the first time I have been able to have someone to rant to. Thank you for your kind words they mean more than you could know

Just taking a few minutes for the lump in my throat to clear, Stepmom. That's harrowing...

You're getting it right, you know. I'm sorry to say it, because I realise how heart-breaking this must be for you every single time. But you are already getting it right.

When you're back at the MCF, and you sit down together, call for help when you arrive and while you're waiting ask her to tell you about Don and share her memories of him. Bear in mind that they may be rather faulty and distorted memories, so don't worry if you hear something alarming because it may well not be true. But at least this way she will get to relive some highlights, and you'll be able to listen passively rather than trying to reorient her yourself.

Dealing with the implications of this, what it means about who she believes you to be, is even harder. So. You are the person who gives her a lovely outing and takes good care of her. You are the person she can talk to about Don, and who is interested in hearing all about him. That she isn't wondering what has become of her daughter must grieve you terribly; but be comforted that it isn't scaring her.

There is a line in 'Under Milk Wood' - "... she is forgetting she was ever born..." = that always makes me well up. Letting go is hardest of all when the person is still walking and talking, right in front of you; but that is the process you are having to go through and it is extremely painful. Do you have anyone to confide in about how you're feeling?

My mom is a memory care facility I go and take her out a lot. I am all smiles when I get her but that changes when I bring her back because she ask me what we are doing here she has to get home to Don, (which was my father). Some where she has made up another Don because she ask me if I know him. When we go in she stays right by me, I sit with her and after awhile someone has to come redirect her. Sometimes that is not so easy at all. I would like to learn something I can say to help me be able to make my exit better, my stomach gets in knots.

Sometimes we read things into the questions that our loved ones ask. Was it asked matter of factly or fearfully? Does your mom have dementia and/or memory loss? Can she remember where she is and why she's there? In my case, I decided to no longer travel with my mom in my own vehicle when she tried to grab the steering wheel while my husband was driving us. She's just too unpredictable minute to minute. She's in a nursing home for a reason.

Tell her the truth, that you can't take her home, but want to spend more time with her.

Porque estoy enferma de cancer de pulmon

Nesecito una enfermera en casa

Be careful with dementia patients. Sometimes any change other than what they are used to can trigger a seizure, a TIA or a shut down where they stare off into space gradually and don't respond. Mother does this sometimes without warning. Scares hell out of us. Most of the time a infection or virus is common to cause this kind of reaction, but environmental change, no matter how small, can sometimes do it too. Been there done that.

Take her out as much as you wish to. It will server both her & you.

If you take her on an outing, keep her away from caffeine (including caffeinated soda). Things get ugly when my dad has caffeine.

depending on her agility and your strength (wheelchairs, walkers can be heavy) -- take her out. there is nothing like the big blue sky and to see people going about their lives, children playing etc. try not to use words like "I'm going home" because that may bring thoughts of their going home... when I take my dad out I point out flowers and boats and things that may trigger good memories for both of us. I also make it clear that dad has his apt. (at the n. home) and I have mine.

sandwish42plus Your post made me laugh 'She was just like a toddler'. I think that with my mother too. Fussy cranky and having to take naps and then fighting naps! My mother does not recognize my oldest brother, her first son but she knows me the second I walk into her room. It always makes me laugh when she calls my brother 'one of your dad's relatives'. It must be because he now has gray hair. . Weird thing is that she recognizes everyone else but struggles with my brother. My oldest brother turned 60 and has been in severe pain with R.A. His personality is so different that maybe she can't connect that is who he is..

JacquieS, I think it all depends on your moms mental state whether you take her out or not. My mother-in-law has dementia and lives in a memory care facility, but she and my father-in-law used to travel the U.S. in their motor home, so after he died I decided to make sure she gets out on a pretty regular basis. BUT it comes with a price I'm afraid. Right now there is a bewitching hour that I have to get her back by, otherwise she's confused and can't remember where she lives and doesn't appreciate that I'm taking her back, and it's NOT to her house. So if you take her out, which I think is great, make sure she knows that you'll be bringing her back. It took me 15 minutes once to talk my mother-in-law out of the car and into her memory care place. Scary. But I still take her out, because she loves it. Good luck.

Bookluvr = I had a steering wheel grab experience with mom too. Lord have mercy the trials this woman put us through.

When she'd start raging, I'd turn up the radio. The louder she got, the louder the radio got. She reached over to turn it off one time, and I had slapped her hand before my brain realized what I did. (Do I have mom reflexes or what!)

I told her this is my car, I'm driving, and I will turn down the radio when she turns her own voice down. You stay quiet and calm, and so does the radio.

Of course, then she just mumbles, grumbles, and curses me under her breath like Kreature the house-elf in Harry Potter.

She threatened to "jump" out of the car at a stop-light one time. That I would have loved to see. I would have taken pictures. This woman took a good 20 minutes to get in or out of the car at that time. She couldn't get her own feet out onto the ground anymore. She couldn't pull herself up, she couldn't stand up out of the car without help. She also could never remember she was underneath a safety belt. So, I just laughed at that one. Ok mom, right.

She was just like a toddler. When she'd get fussy and cranky, I knew she needed a fresh undergarment, a snack, and a nap.

Wow I can really relate to Sandwich42Plus; sounds just like my experience. I agree with my daughter when she says "it's me not Mom that feels the need to do something for her." I just see her sitting there day after day and feel I need to help. My husband (now deceased) and my children could tell you I'm a "Fixer/People Pleaser." I asked Mom if she does any of the activities, she says "no" and doesn't want to. So I go to the NH and she is covered with several throws, in her wheel chair nodding. She's been there 5 months, (walked--slowly--into the facility from a day at the Adult Day Care where she at least played bingo).

It was hard to let go of the scenarios I had hoped for with mom. She had lived as a shut-in for so long, I really thought it would help her state of mind to get out & about, fresh air, sun, have new experiences. I wanted to show her the holiday lights in the snow, the lakes we have, restaurants, shows, the north shore. All the things she had missed being a shut-in. No bueno.

I was about 5-7 years too late. Mom's dementia was much farther along than anybody knew (because family had stopped visiting her).

In July, we brought a birthday party to her. Cake, balloons, pretty presents, grandchildren. It was not fun for her or us. We all wondered if that was a good idea at all, and if we should do it again. *sigh* It feels so wrong to stop celebrating the small things in life with or for her. It's not supposed to be this way at all. I suppose the next celebration even will be the holidays. I think we'll do a card and one small present with a short visit. I have to make peace that this is not about me or my feelings of discomfort about not doing xyz anymore.

Enjoy outings if they are possible, on your loved one's terms. Remember it won't last forever. Be ready to change when it's necessary instead of forcing mom/dad to keep up with everybody else or the sentimental idea of what it's supposed to be like. It might happen slowly, it might happen with sudden personality changes. Each person's decline is different.

My mother lives in a nursing home in another state so when I visit I try to take her out as much as possible. My mother say's 'take me somewhere' and then when I do she complains the entire time that she needs to go back home.. I take her out into the court yard where she is familiar and that seems to satisfy her. She wants her friends at the nursing home to see her family, that is more important to her than going anywhere. . I took mom out for Thanksgiving a couple of years ago, that particular Thanksgiving we had mild weather. It was a wonderful time but again she was in a hurry to get home. My mom does best when we just do all the celebrating in her nursing home with her, that way she can show off her family. My mom always tells me that her friends do not have family that visits them but when I am there I see their family members. Since my mother is receiving breathing treatments her memory is so much better and she seems so much more content. My mother at age 90 is finally being nice! Amen.

Sandwich, you sure were determined to spend 'quality' time with your mom! After the first incident, I would have stopped. As for us, we stopped taking mom on trips when she grabbed the steering wheel while my brother was driving. While he was struggling to drive straight, I (sitting in the back seat) had to leap forward and try to pull her tightly clenched hand off the steering wheel. Bro was able to pull over so that he can pry her hand off the steering wheel. We u-turned to go back home while I leaned forward holding mom's left hand so that she wouldn't grab for it again.

sandwich, I am rolling on the floor laughing. You nailed it.

I was in love with the IDEA of taking my mom out for "field trips" to divert her. Wouldn’t it be lovely to get her out and show her interesting places around town? Short answer = NO.
At the same time, she would refuse to participate in ALF field trips & activities completely. It could only be possible if I was the one coming to get her. She passed up a thousand opportunities to get out & see the world, go places, and do things.

When I first got mom moved here and into her IL/ALF apartment, any typical outing would turn into a whole day, multi-meal event with inevitable conflict. Even a one hour doctor visit.
Even after prep phone calls in the morning, she usually wasn’t dressed, bathed, or ready to go anywhere, because she didn’t feel like doing it (her words). So I’d have to plan in time for that (at least an hour).
This usually coincided with us having to be somewhere on time for an appointment.

By the time we'd get to a store, got out of the car, spent 45 minutes in the nearest bathroom, tested all the scooters to find the right one, navigated through all the things she can't afford/doesn’t need anymore, another 45 minute bathroom visit, a snack, and a million questions, *I* was exhausted, frustrated, burned out, and ready to set myself on fire or chew off an arm to get out of the situation. These were not precious moments spent bonding.
When I laid down boundaries and time limits, she would buck and raise a big old stink about it. About holding her hostage and mistreating her by making her stay in a beautiful new apartment with 3 meals a day and onsite doctor, PT, & salon.

One trip started out going to a hardware store. On the way there, she wanted groceries too, so I decided to hit the super-Walmart (even though I despise Walmart) to get everything at one place.
This little change upset her so much she started ranting, raving, and tried to hit me in the head with her cane while we were going 75 mph down the highway. That was scary. I pulled over, took her cane away, and told her if she tries that again, I will have the police come and assault charges filed. She behaved better for a few hours. This was a sign that she could no longer deal with the change an outing entails.

We don’t do outings anymore. We tried. We tried hard. I couldn’t keep it up and my obligations were slipping. She’s declined to the point now where an outing isn’t possible, which is a blessing.

As an aside, the Depends and Tena companies have probably had lower earnings starting in second quarter 2014 because I am not taking mom out shopping anymore.

Every single trip had to include a stop at a store that carries incontinence products, despite the fact she had them delivered in bulk to her apartment.
When she moved into the NH, we had about a thousand dollars’ worth of incontinence supplies she had stockpiled/hoarded.

It may be a wonderful experience for all of you. It may be a disaster.

Sigh. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to these kinds of questions. Try it, carefully, and see the results.

Our mom is wheel-chair bound and needs a PAL to transfer. The only place we've taken her in a van was to her older sister's birthday party. But we push her around the nh neighborhood when weather permits, for a little change of scenery. Last week a sister brought her chow mein (which she loves and which the nh doesn't serve) and they ate together.

Visit. Find ways to give mom something to enjoy. Take her on outings if that works out. Stick close to the facility if you need to. Just do your best.

Feeling guilt? Unless you caused the infirmity that makes a nursing home the best option for her, I'd say save your energy for things that matter.

By all means take her out if she seems to enjoy it and you can do it safely (minding your back, as well as her old bones, that is). But if it gets to be too much for you to handle, or she doesn't seem to notice, don't feel guilty for not doing it either.

Beware the Bait and Switch. SIL took mom to lunch, then mom wanted to "just drive by the house" and SIL took the bait. Mom asked her to park in front of the house, and get something from the basement. SIL said "OK wait here" and got out. Next thing she knows mom is out of the car, toddling up the driveway and demanding to get in the house. It got very ugly. NEVER take them back to the house, it's a real can of worms.

I meant to precede what I said by referring to what lsmiami said. It all depends on your mom's condition. My mom was 83 when she passed away, and she was mentally.alert.

By all means, take her out to do the things you mentioned. Tell her, if she is mentally alert and understands, that the only condition is that she returns without a fuss. Promise her that you will be back soon to take her to...? My mom was in ALF for over five years, and we went out almost every week. She loved Mariachi music or any live music. I had the families of some of her friends called and give permission to the owner of the faclity for me to take them out, and we somehow got five people and various types of walkers in my Altima. It gave me such joy to see mom and her friends enjoy some time out of the facility. I used to take mom and her best friend to breakfast, too. It was a real treat for them to eat grits, biscuits, and gravy. I did that until it was almost too.much for me to handle her wheelchair and oxygen that she eventually needed. Our last night out was the night before Mother's Day three years ago. I could tell she was going down and that it would probably be our last time out. Just the two of us went to hear the Mariachi band. I didn't object when she wanted a Margarita. :) We had a wonderful time. That was in May, and she passed away on June 1. I still frequent that restaurant, and now I can envision her and her Margarita...and it makes me smile. So, by all means, take your mother out and enjoy her as much as you can. Have fun!

Is mom capable of reasoning? If not do not take her out. Also, is it safe for you to take her out? She is inNH not ALF, so her condition requires skilled nursing.
When dad was at rehab, I packed picnics and wheeled him around the grounds.
Played dominos, brought treats for him....just tried to make my visits fun.

If mom enjoys an outing for ice cream or whatever, take her. Be very clear, when you leave the premises, exactly what you're going to do. "Mom, we're going over to Baskin-Robbins for a chocolate sundae!! We'll be back here in time for dinner."

There's nothing you can do to stop her from thinking that she may be going home. If she enjoys your outing in spite of that, then I'd say it's your problem more than it is hers.

Stop feeling guilty. I sometimes feel guilty for having mom at HOME with me. No social activity; no people watching; no Frank Sinatra impersonator; no magic shows; ha! Just same-old same-old day in and day out. She had more stimulation at the nursing home than she does here.

That's the life of a care giver. We're hardly ever guilt-free even when our brains tell us we've done the exact right thing.