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1. I am married with a 9 month old baby.
2. we live 1,000's of miles from my parents who are 87 and 83. My mother has moderate dementia she can not care for self and my dad does it all.
3. while I was pregnant, he moved them 300 miles to her home town none of her family wants to help or visit
4. the childhood home is still there, packed with items and needs weeks of clearing
5. my husband and I thought of moving to the house, then probably not, we need to clean the house
6. my father refuses to discuss any legal or financial matters. We are clueless.
7. I finally went with my husband and baby and it was so taxing for those three days trying to take care of a mother with dementia, and a 8 month old baby. NOTHING got done. now I have to go back alone, with a baby.
8. I had a really hard childhood and it shatters me everytime I go there. I need support, legal, emotional and my husband can't come any more due to work.
Any advice?

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I agree with wuvicecream and Christina 28. I am a professional retired counselor and
your baby and husband take top priority! There are other family members that are selfish, so do NOT feel guilty about this in any way hon! Your hands are full, and you can visit every now and then, but do NOT take on this kind of responsibility, especially because of your childhood. It's going to be a situation where time will make the situation where your Dad can not longer be resistant. He's fighting to remain independent and still take care of his wife. Allow him to find out the hard way, because after all........he's gonna do it anyway. Your a very sweet person, just pray for them and allow God and the situation work things out.
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christina28 I am not going to disagree with your post at all. I noticed that skippy16 Wrote a clear list of her priorities .... #1 Husband and Baby!!! Which is and should be #1. Your baby needs to feel secure about Mother and possitive energy from you and your husband this is very important in first years of childs life. It shows a good heart to be truely concerned about your own parents though, which most in your situation find as an easy excuse to use. Christina is also correct about being a default caregiver once you take on some of the troubles, others seem to become handicapped, deaf, dumb and blind or at least until they think thier inheritance is in jeopardy then all of a sudden they are on the ball and it's your fault for not doing it thier way or they could have done better and your the bad guy. I managed to get my Mother the care she needed and needs I had a plan or better to say a goal(to make sure Mom is safe secure). Everyone had nill to say unless it was negative nor did I get any help, when my goal was met, after th cloud cleared, now I get the attitude like I had ill intentions or my focusing on Mom's health is for my benefit. So in other words the people who help the least create the most stress and added drama to an already mind twisting and emotionally draining situation. My advice if you want to help and not get into a situation where you are the sole caregiver or the only person dealing with this is : make a list of concerns, health issues, dangers, legal issues, financial priorities, house cleaning,and choices avaiable to aid in your parents needs. Divide up duties between anyone who can help in doing any of these tasks. At the same time trust noone I am sad to say, the people who care the least about care...care the most about money and material things. Added advise, if your father was a vet of war you may get aid for medical and in home care, this is a huge bonus you just need to be proactive in resourses for anytype of assistance the web is loaded with info. you won't believe how much you can accomplish over the phone and web P.S. christina your advise is sound and wise, don't hold back , you take an overall and real situation into clear focus what we've all learned no matter how tuff has a better meaning if you can put it to use to help others and make it a bit easier for them.
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skippy,
My advice will NOT be liked or popular, but I am going to say it anyway.
Don't Do It.
Do NOT be the default caregiver. Stay where you are with your husband and baby and let someone else in your Mother's family do it.
I am thinking of YOU, your HUSBAND, and most especially your precious BABY.
Please, God forgive me for saying this: I am sick of reading about people like you who suffered in childhood, with parents and extended family who don't have a clue or care about YOUR LIFE, and YOUR RIGHT to enjoy your husband and baby!
This is YOUR time. WHY should you have to pick up the slack for them?!
I am really really sorry to other posters who think I am wrong. If your child was grown and out of the house, my answer would be different. I'm sick of selfish people who won't help, and those in your family who don't care that you have a new baby and a young life to live before you have to take on this responsibility.
This is my heartfelt, adamant opinion.
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I tried the long distance thing for several years until I could see that Mom could no longer be by herself and moved her across country near me. But you have the extra added resistance from your father.
Have you discussed with your father the possiblity of in-home care? He will probably hate it at first. But just tell him that you are sending someone over for just a few hours a week. The caregiver can help with personal care or do a few errands. He may end up feeling relieved to have the extra hands.
Wuvs is right...you need to secure their Powers of Attorney if you plan on helping them with anything financial or medical. (However, it sounds like Dad has vetoed that, too.) Is there someone who could intervene for you and act as a go-between?
Has he ever asked for your assistance? That is always a good time to introduce other topics for discussion. If not, there is not a lot you can do until things get to the point were you have to include the authorities. Sorry. We have seen so many others in this forum who are in the same boat. Let your Dad know that you are always there for him. Make occasional visits just to monitor your Mom's care and help out as much as Dad will let you.
Btw, your instincts are correct about not moving into their home. You have way too much on your plate right now and it would be esecially taxing because of your childhood issues.
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Congrats on your baby! I am always happy to help anyone by offering my input when I can. Dementia is not easy to deal with, especially when someone living with that person. Your father may want help and not admit it or may not but he does need it. Has Mom been diagnosed? You really need to try to get him to understand you want to help but not control if possible. Once you can do that you need to get Power of attorney to handle thier affairs.
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huzzzzzz to you!!! You seems sweet!!!!
I want to say alot but I am gathering thoughts. Are you here now?
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