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how can i take care of my dad that is bed ridden and my mom does not want to put in a home or get a visiting nurse because she promised she wouldnt do that to him.

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No no I did not mean to imply that. I know that everyone's situation is differant. I am sorry if I sounded condesending or uncaring that was not my intention!!! Truely there are some wonderful nursing homes with kind and caring staff. I just wanted to share the story. I did not mean it is the only way... I am sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.
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Jaye, while I appreciate your story, we tried very hard to take care of my mother at home, but her level of care was so great that a nursing home environment was just plain necessary. No one should feel guilty for placing their loved ones in a nursing home and no one should make their family members promise not to go that route, if necessary. I agree a nursing home is not the ideal situation, but unless you are wealthy enough to not have to work full-time so you can care for the parent (or grandparent), it's just not realistic. My mother cannot be moved without the assistance of two people and it was just cost-prohibitive to hire enough help to do it all at home. I think everyone has a different story and even though your grand/parent may be at a nursing home, you can still help provide care for them there. Along with the staff, we help my mother at her evening meals and bed-time. I don't think it means we love her any less nor that we wouldn't take care of her at home, if we had the means to do so.
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You did not give a complete picture of what she thinks 'doing that to him' might entail. Sounds like she doesn't quite understand that hiring help is not the same as putting him 'away'.
At first blush, however, she is being unrealistic, to say the least, if she is also elderly and dealing with her own health problems. Scout out the various services and home caregiver options that she & he could benefit from in their area. Discuss the information you gather. Then, let her be. Perhaps experience will be the best teacher for her. Don't enable her. Let her see for herself what it is like to take on a caregiver's work schedule solely on her own.
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I was in this situation many years ago with my Grandfather. He needed care and my Grandmother could NOT do it all. I was able to go and live with them and help them. It worked out for the best. My Grandfather was a modest gentleman and he wanted his own to care for him. I will always be thankful I was able to I counted it a priviledge. The last conversation he and I had was about my Grandmother I can still hear him to this day sayin in his scottish accent, "Lassie what will become of my Mary(grandma)." They had been married 53 years and he did not want to leave her. I promised him I would take care of her . 11 years later I got that priviledge, she lived with my family and. My sons were young and they loved Great-Grandma. I would encourage you to help you folks, sadly they will not live forever... take care, J
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Hi 123,
I'm not sure why they would not want any home-care only to assume they're not sure what it all entails. I can speak from decades of home-care help that it is a complete lifesaver for we, caregivers. Oh my gosh! It's the best business ever created for anyone in a situation that allows them little or no choices. Problems? Sure. But the good, far out weighs the bad. Sometimes they become like family as you can't help but love them and their dedication towards your loved one. Sometimes a male nurse or CNA is available for men if they wish. States help out in the paying of such wonderful help, and someone is always just a phone call away with any problem that comes up. Please check into this option and maybe just start out slow with some help. I wish you luck and some happy new friendships for your father. ~Sooz~
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123 is your mom able to care for him or did she make that promise not to put him in a nursing home and expect you to do all the care if she expects you to do it all I would go buy what they can afford it they can afford it some of their money should go for hired help in the home and if not maybe it is time to think about placement-some eldery do not want to spend their savings on care they want to leave it to their children and then something happens and ther is a rush to get them placed and the money has to go to social service when applying for medicaide it is much better to make plans ahead of time if she cabn not care for him herself then she has to forget her promise and do what needs to be done-I know it is not an easy decision I had to make it for my husband and he did not accept at first but he would not do anything for himself and it got to be too much for me and he was in for rehab and our insurance was running out so he was on medicaide pending when he passed away and if he had been on medicaide it would have been very hard for me to manage but I had to do it-the choice is really out of her hands unless she can care for him- she can not expect it to be your problem she needs to deal with this-you could start by having her go and go with her to see a elder lawyer to learn what needs to be done she may not have any idea that it is up to her to do what needs to be done.
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