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My mother has had dementia for at least 10 yrs but denies it profusely. It’s getting really bad. My oldest brother who had poa died. My younger brother was listed as second. He has never had a job, lived off her his whole life, has emptied her accounts and even got properties in his name from her. He sits around high all day. 3 yrs ago my mother was alone in his house, ate a laced muffin and ended up in the hospital. He steals all the groceries I take over, all the cash I give her, etc. I ask for financial records so that I can arrange for her care in the years to come but he refuses to produce documents. I want to take poa away from him but still retain a relationship. He is all I have left in family. My mother thinks he walks on water and defends his every move. Our father died when he was 12 and he has had diabetes for 25 yrs so she overcompensates and has handed/supported him his whole life voluntarily, even before she had dementia. He has the attitude that he is entitled because of dad and the diabetes. She will never voluntarily change the poa. Can I do this without mother knowing? Her friendship is my greatest blessing and I cannot live with her mad at me. She would be LIVID if I went against the golden child. A doctor did mark in her charts several yrs ago with the dementia diagnosis. Not sure if before/after poa set up. HELP PLEASE

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LuvingDaughter,

You didn't describe the arrangement very well. Does your mother live alone? If your brother is her 24/7 live-in caregiver/companion, and she REQUIRES that, then criticizing him for not working NOW (not the past) isn't fair.

And the Reefer Madness post is just over the top. Don't people understand that we had Prohibition with alcohol and during that period you could brand people as garbage for drinking too, but once the law changed, now they are "normal"? And what about the millions of people right now who can't make it through their day without legal prescription antidepressants? Obviously one choice is approved by the highly profitable AMA and drug companies, and the other isn't, but to a cultural anthropologist (ie, a scientist trying to get at the "truth" of human behavior) the distinction in coping mechanisms might be minimal.

Of course, if your brother is in fact the 24/7 caregiver, then he should NOT be getting high. That is irresponsible.

Regardless of that, to secretly get at the POA without her knowledge is wrong. You would be a crook, so don't even think about it. You have to find a legal solution as others have suggested. But you need to do what is truly in your mother's best interest.
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You need documentation. It sounds like you have some, you need more.
TAlk with elder/aging agencies for advice--they often have free lawyers to point you in a better direction.
IT may NOT be hopeless to change.
If it can be demonstrated that your brother is not acting in your Mom's best interests, there is a case to get it changed to someone else.
IF there are stipulations in the POA that actively prevent your being the POA, you can otherwise request the judge change it to a third party POA-[someone who is not family, that is paid to be POA].
Social Workers, Agencies on Aging, Elder Lawyers, can all provide better more specific advice to you.
It CAN be done.
It might not be you, but appointing a 3rd party POA is better than the dysfunctional person currently in charge!
IF anyone tells you it cannot be done, run, don't walk, to someone else for advice!
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The secondary person is not incompetent, just becuse he sits around high all day and refuses to take care of his duties as attorney-in-fact.
The POA is a serious legal document as donated by the giver. No one can take it away except the donor, and it ceases with her death.
My suggestion is that you go around him in caring for this patient, and do what you can to sustain her.
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Get Adult protective Services and Legal Aid involved. These services are free. You also need to take your mother in for a complete physical and mental health examination. Keep a log of the things she and/or your brother do. A take recorder can be helpful.You will needsome sort of documentation or information if you end up in court. You can also let Adult Protective Services and the Police know about the drug use. That is abuse. You need to get copies of the hospital records of the laced muffin. Nothing will happen unless you take the steps to report what is going on. You are the responsible, sensible one in this family. You say that she will be furious if you say anything against the Golden Boy and you cannot bear having her angry with you or the possibility of losing her friendship. How will you feel if she eats another laced muffin or heaven forbid, something else and dies from it? What if Golden Boy in a drug influenced moment decides Mom is taking too long to die? How about if he decides to sell all of her property to finance his habit? What if his suppliers show up to put a little pressure on Mom or him? What happens when he runs through everything she owns and his suppliers come around to collect the debts he owes them? Do not stick your head in the sand about this situation. It is abuse, pure and simple. Your brother does not care about anyone except himself and never will. He makes no effort to protect his mother from his drug use or even insure her safety. he will use every asset she has and movew on to another person to leach off from when she is bled dry. You must report this situation. Where does he get his drugs? Can you obtain tag numbers if they are delivered to him? Photos? Descriptions? Can you flush his stash? Turn it overt to police officers? Call the police when he receives a new supply? Call Adult Protective services and legal aid for advice. In the meanwhile, document everything you can!.
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You do need to talk to an ELDER LAW attorney. I don't know if he can be declared incompetent but if you can document the drug use and financial abuse maybe there is a way. It will be well worth the money you'll have to spend.
Good luck
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I would think that you should talk to an elder lawyer for guidance. It will probably take a court appearance and a Judge to make a decision. Your mother's doctor would probably have to sign a statement about her state of mind. It is a process that can be accomplished....you just have to have the right guidance.
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You will need to talk to a social worker they will tell u the steps u need to take .l am going through the same thing now myself hang in there and be strong I know It's hard.Good luck .
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I am new to this, so I'm not sure, but can't you call Social Services anonymously on him/this situation?
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