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My father passed away 7 years ago. My grandma's only son.I am the only grandchild. This past August i have come to rekindle my relationship with my grprts. I had a divorce from my spouse and was rejected from a potential job offer.
I had to take control of my life. It was spinning out of control.

Now I have a great relationship, career, and place to live. Live in Queens, NY.I dont live too far my grandparents house so i walk to visit every other weekend. I will call on a weekday after i get off from work to speak to them esp grandma. My grandma has dementia/ alzhemiers and parkinsons. At times my grandma will shout....sometimes whisper...other times she wont talk. She knows me as" Tee", baby and sweetie. My grandpa and the home health aide care for my grandmother on a daily basis. In the afternoon, she is more awake, so thats when i visit. She has a happy glow on face when she sees me. But her moods change from time to time. I feel alone at times because i have no one else. I dont want to feel I am not doing good enough. And i feel i dont want to be judged by my grandpa( step grandfather) and his family. I know i haven't been around. But i am making an effort. You see i have no one. My ma and stepdad live in NC. My Bro has a family. His arms is full as it is and he lives far Upstate, Mount Vernon.he is having his struggles. So who do i turn too? How do i contribute with out being judged and without losing out on life?

Thank you.

Concerned granddaughter

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Yes. His siblings, nieces, nephews.
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grand1, oh when you had written earlier "my grandpa( step grandfather) and his family" I assumed he had grown children. Is his family his siblings, nieces and nephews?
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You nailed it. He wants help but on his terms and feels threatened that he will lose his independence if he accpets too much help. You could find out if a hospital bed would be covered for GM, or maybe go ahead and talk to the family about him wanting a special bed and having everyone chip in to provide it. Do stuff you CAN do and don;t sweat so much the fact that you can't do everything. Grandpa wants to do as much as he can and it makes him feel good to do that too.
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You just do the best your can and stop worrying about what Grandpa is telling others. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Bringing happiness to Grandma is a good thing but you can't make everyone happy all the time. Sometimes people get really grumpy as they age and for some reason seem to take it out on the ones closest to them. Grandpa still wants to be in control and he knows that is slipping away; but he still has a bit of control over your feelings and he knows it! Try not to take it too seriously and either leave or change the subject if he presses too hard.
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Maybe when you go visit you could ask him what you can do to help him. Perhaps helping him with his mail, making lunch or just staying with your grandma so he can do his own thing. I know my dad would have a mental list of things he wanted to get done that day and helping him accomplish that made him much more enjoyable and not so frustrated.
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My grandpa has no children. He didnt know what it was like to be a parent. Until he became a step - grandfather. Even if i planned to move out of state to start a new life...he would be furious at me...thinking i would desert them. Then he would tell his family that I'm being neglectful. I don't live in the same household. I believe he doesn't like the fact that i am on own, in a new relationship, etc. He says he doesn't want to hear excuses...ok. it's like in his house...his rules...i understand that...i know...because i used to live there...over 10 yrs ago.
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I think it might be a matter of boundaries. The old guy's pushing on the granddaughter a lot, and she's trying to be sweet to him. It's ok for Grand1 to say no to grandpa - he has family who can help him if needed. You don't see them around because they have learned he will push them too far!

Don't feel guilty for cutting back on your time with grandma either. She has her husband and aide there and is happy, and she probably does not remember the last time you came, just that you came.

NC is a great growing area - look at Cary (near Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill) and Charlotte. There are an abundance of jobs and cheap housing, and lots of new people in the area. You would be closer to your own mom (perhaps without being right under her!) and in a new area where it is SO MUCH EASIER to get established than NYC. It's ok for you to leave where grandma is - she is doing fine. She would want you to go out and have a great life FOR her, not limited BY her. I"m sure the aide would read her your cards and notes over and over!!
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Grand1, I expect your grandfather welcomes your interest and concern, but he's still in charge of his own life and his household and you're right, he does value his independence. Reading your last post and the thread above, I don't know but I think you worry too much. As long as your grandfather knows that he can call on you if he decides that he does need your help, you're doing fine.

Is someone else turning the guilt screws on you? Are you comparing yourself unfavourably with other people who seem to do more? You really needn't, you know. You're there, and you care. That's plenty.
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Grand1, guess your Grandpa needs to bark at someone, he doesn't want to vent to his wife or to her Caregiver.... that makes you the chosen one. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable venting to his own children. Let him grumble, he's earned it. Who knows, maybe he likes the *debate*, makes him feel alive :)

Some people age gracefully, others fight it until the very end.
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He did talk to me about the adj. bed again...not yet. I do want him to still be independent...sometimes he needs little reminders. I write things down for him in simple terms just for him to remember. Certain numbers, or info he may need. I understand that he is going thru changes in his life....i would to understand why he takes it out on me? I'm learning to be more patient and listen. At time we talk normally....while other times he sounds like he doesn't want to be bothered...?
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Grand1, did Grandpa ever decide on a new adjustable bed? Yes, the older generation can get grumpy and impatient when it comes to purchasing things, I deal with that with my parents who think everything should still be the same price as back in 1957 :P

I can understand how your Grandpa feels there are enough people in his home. With an Aide there for your Grandma, and a nurse who comes by every third day, that's a busy household. It's nice that Grandpa still tries to help care for his wife :)

As for Grandpa needing an Aide some time in the future, don't bring it up to him again, let him tell you he thinks it is time he needs help for himself. He wants to stay as independent for as long as he can, so let him.
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My grandpa now has to take it easy. Now he has go for a small procedure for his lower leg. He said there is no recovery time because its a 8 minute procedure...quick recovery. He needs to rest. It just now he's frustrated. I suggested that he ask for an assistant to help him on a daily basis. Its just he doesnt want to want too many ppl in his house. There's an aide for my grandma. My grandpa has a nurse come by every 3 days to help him. He helps care for grandma with the aide. I feel he may need an aide down the line. It is something i feel he doesnt want to hear. What else could i suggest? Its like he wants my help but he wants his independence.
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Can you get in touch with the agency that supplies the home health aide, also her doctor? He can't legally tell you a lot about her, but may be able to give you some general advice about dealing with the situation, or refer you to an appropriate social service. You need someone local to advise you.
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It sounds like grandpa may have some mental health issues and/or dementia himself. Does he see his doctor regularly?

Sometimes people who have a really big prone ( an elderly wife with dementia, failing health) will avoid thinking about or dealing with the BIG problem by focusing on a nonessential one, like getting the right bed. Ultimately, it's not your fault that he and grandma are getting old. You are doing what you can to help them. Don't worry so much about what others say.
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Typo...i can't just drop what i have.
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My grandpa is becoming more and more grumpy. I understand he is caring for my grandmother the help of the aide. He has become so obsessed with trying to find a adjustable bed. I have looked at various sites for him and asked for info. But it seems he is not satisfied. I understand he needs the bed, i try to tell him you are always going to find the exact price you want or model. The bed we looked at are quite pricey and out of the range he is looking for. Dont spend money you dont have b/c you will need it essentials in the house and for grandma. Most of the items are covered by medicare/medicaid. But for what he wants it doesnt. So what do i do? Its like he gets impatient with me and starts complaining. Oh well what can i say? He is set in his ways. Whatever he wants he wants....wants control. I love him very much its just i would like for him to understand me. He often forgets i am on my own, in a relationship, work, have a place of my own, have daily tasks and still take time to see my grandma. Talking to him is quite difficult b/c he wants things his way. I do what can do. I can just drop what i have.how else can i help?just for him to call his family that I'm not being compliant. Saying im making excuses. What excuses? I understand where he is coming from...its just how do i make it perfect for him? Is there any other store where they sell a queen sized spilit adjustable bed with base? he is making it as an argumentative issue. I dont want to tell my other family members b/c one live out of state and the other has two kids and one on the way. They may give me advice. They just dont know what i have to deal with. I try to be patient and figure out what else can i do. My grandma is happy to see me. My grandpa doesnt seem the understand/ just doesnt want to hear what i have to say. Need some guidance. Thank yoh
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I think you are doing a great job by visiting regularly and caring about your grandparents. Other family members have their reasons why they can't visit, distance, children, etc. etc. Be encouraged, also remember you have a life too. If any of your family criticise you at all, at least you visit and care. Keep us informed.
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grand1, curious where is your step-grandfather's family? Do they live out of the area? Does your step-grandfather have grown children, does he have siblings, nieces and nephews, grandchildren? Hopefully they are doing their part to help out even if it is an occasional visit or telephone call.

You are doing a lot considering your are a grandchild by visiting and by calling. Don't try to think that you have to carry the load of *caring* for your grandparents all on your shoulders. There are other family members who can help out, even from out-of-state. Don't stress yourself out worrying that you aren't doing enough. The fact that there is a Home Health Aid at their house speaks volumes that your grandparents are doing the right thing.
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Typo...closest
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I say im alone b/c everyone else is living in different places. I am the closet. My bro has his family growing and has his daily struggles. My ma and stepdad are married and live in NC. My ma did visit my grandma this past September. Their lives are in NC. They too are trying to stay active in their prime. No one is being selfish. Their lives are so different from mine. I just dont want my grandpas family (no relation) to try to cause any nonsense about me. I love my gma. Just keeping her happy is what matters.
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How can you be the only grandchild if you have a brother? You're not alone if you have a brother and a mother, help is only a phone call away. You are doing a fine job just by visiting the grandparents, many relatives do not. Keep up the good work.
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