Five years ago I became my mom's primary caretaker. I'm actually her ONLY caretaker. I have no help. My older sister and brother passed away not long ago, I have one younger brother who not only refuses to help me but has stopped calling our mom, not even for her birthday or for Mother's Day - it's like he never existed.
I gave up my job and began working from home because she cannot be left alone. I have no car so I go nowhere on my own. All of my belongings are in a small, expensive storage unit. I live in a bedroom. My life has literally shrunk down to a cluttered, ugly 12x14 room. I am totally isolated. I never see my kids, I never see anyone. I go for days without talking to anyone except my dog and my mom. My mom is 87 and has dementia. I do not get along with my mother. She's always been very manipulative and really selfish and since I am no longer the quiet, accepting child I was, we just fight. Constantly. I am going thru a lot of my own personal loss right now but I have no one to talk to, turn to. Everything centers around my mom like it always has. I feel like I have sacrificed my whole life in order to keep hers on track and what she expects it to be. I have nothing to my name - no car, no home, no steady income, no social life, no professional life.
People recommend I have someone come in once or twice a week to relieve me but that would not relieve me - I have no car. I have no transportation. I'd just still be in that bedroom anyway.
I do not know what to do. She will not go into assisted living voluntarily, and she will not let agree to my having guardianship because she hates me, does not trust me. She only draws $900 a month Social Security. I pay the rent out of that, I pay all the bills and co-pays and groceries and etc. myself. I work anywhere from 5-7 jobs at one time, trying to keep my income coming in.
I am daily called names, accused of lying, accused of stealing, told to go to hell. I am told constantly how worthless I am as a daughter, as a mother, as a wife, as a person, even as a dog owner. The usual is "you're a stupid, lying idiot." She hides everything from those "other people" who come into the house at night and steal her dog food, her makeup, her hairbrushes, her food, her wallet, etc. I've had to bring everything I don't want lost into the tiny bedroom I now live in.
I should be in California right now - I was offered the chance to go to the ocean for a week. I am here instead because no one will do what I've done for the past 5 years- stay here, 24/7, dealing with my mom and this depressing, dirty, cluttered home that smells like dog pee. I've tried to make things better around here but after 2 years I gave up. I needed that trip. I needed that break, so badly. But no one would help with all of this. I feel as if as long as I stay here, stay quiet, pay the bills, take care of my mother, do all the things no one else wants to do, then everyone thinks I'm just fine. I wake up every morning feeling like I just don't know why, other than to pay the bills and take care of someone who tells me to drop dead, to disappear, that I've ruined her last years, etc.
I moved into this house in order to keep her in her own home with her dog and her belongings for as long as possible. But I gave up everything to do so. And it's not what I'm doing that I resent, not at all. It's the treatment I resent. I've spent 5 years hearing every awful thing about me and then repeating it to myself. After so long, you begin to believe all the bad stuff. I went through an awful divorce where my ex spent every day until he moved out calling me worthless, "psychotic," a liar, etc. Over a year of hearing those things from the man I loved and trusted, every day. It broke me down. This is breaking me down. She's echoing all the terrible things my ex said to me.
I feel totally trapped. I can't get her into assisted living, I cannot get out of this house, I cannot get anyone to help. Again, just having someone come into the house will not help me. I'll still be trapped here since I have no car.
I've become uncomfortable around people now - I think it's because I've been isolated for so long. I feel so nervous, jittery when I'm around people. I am growing old in a bedroom. I see myself in the mirror and it makes me feel so sad and tired. I am growing old in exactly the way I always feared: alone, with nothing. I have nothing to my name right now.
I know there are probably no answers here. Maybe it just helps to type out the words instead of keeping them running circles in my head. I feel like I've lost my kids, my home, my sister, my brother, my dad, my friends, and I am now losing my mom. It's a daily death. I have so much unresolved grief in me from all the losses that hit one after another after another after another, with no breaks. I carry all that grief and also the grief of watching my mom disappear, watching our relationship descend into nothing. I've lost my entire family.