Super stressed caregiver thinks she’s superwoman, can do everything without help from siblings. What to do?

So sorry to hear for your lost! Let he know she must take care of herself inorder to continue to car for other's. She must get outside help or she will have a break down. Try it for a week see how much stress you take off yourself then think about the different your body feel. God bless take out time for yourself!

It seems a loving family trying with all the vagaries life hands out to get through it all. I think in some ways Sister is perhaps running from her grief by staying so very busy that she has no time to mourn. When it catches up, and it will, it will be difficult. I think about all that can be done is for all to continue to gently offer help whenever they are able. So sorry the family is going through so much; it won't get easier with the parents and Sister will have to accept all the help she can get. I am glad she has willingness surrounding her.

I am glad your sister may get the medical help that she needs or hope that she does. I know you were disappointed that the police ended up involved but maybe that was for the best since now things will be sorted out. Good luck to you, SgmErb. Wishing you and your family the very best especially here at the Christmas holiday.

This is so sad. Stress? Yes. Personality conflicts? Most likely. God, I have nothing in common with my siblings!

I’m very sorry you have had to watch this train wreck. Hope the dust will settle soon. Let us know how you are doing. Hugs. You’re in a tough spot. Hard to help manage from out of town.

I'm so sorry that it came to police involvement. Let us know how this works out, and thinking good thoughts about all of your family members.

To everyone who has replied and provided reassurance, information, suggestions or tips - Thank You from the bottom of my heart. For me there is No need to worry anymore. I know the parents are currently thinking about where they will go after tonight. Sister1 & Sister2 had it out tonight, police were called, sister2 was banned from 1s home. Parents are ready to go. I’ll find out tomorrow if they’ll be with me or brother in hometown. I have to say I’m still worried about sister 1s mental status. So I’m calling her PCP tomorrow to see if they will do a mental assessment for her. Thanks for everything.

I like Taarna's answer. Ask the caregiving sister what you can do to help. It might be something simple like praising her and acknowledging all she is doing for your parents.

Maybe send her a little "happy" - a book, an item of clothing - something that says "I Love You" and will make her smile.

Seems sister is managing at the moment. Lavish praise on her for all she does accomplish; too many caregivers are not reminded or thanked for the selfless work they do.

Gently ask her about creating a plan, just in case, she should ever get sick or injured - and can't care for the parents. She should be gently guided into allowing people in to "train" to know layout, schedules, medications, and parents' preferences. Again, gently guide her into allowing others to help weekly to "keep their skills sharp" while she attends to her own needs. She may or may not go for it, but at least you are alerting her to a possible reality.

If she doesn't ever allow you or others to plan for this respite care, consider talking with the rest of the family about creating a "rescue plan" in case #1 is sick or injured and can not provide care to the parents. I'm hoping that once you have some ideas for contingency care I mind, you will be less anxious.

Maybe your oldest sister needs to be needed. If she is not complaining, let her have at it. Your post on here is so different from most who can't find anybody to take care of the elderly parents and siblings won't help. Also, did she tell you that she forgets to eat, take her own meds, and doesn't go to the doctor? Some people out there want to be heroes. She may think this is her "calling" to take care of them. If she isn't abusing the bank accounts in any way and she's not complaining, count your blessings. Your concern is the polar opposite of what most are posting about on here. Also, don't create your own anxiety. If sis is not complaining, let her have at it. She will come around eventually when she tires out. If she's calling the shots in the family and telling the other sisters who and when they can come, she feels that she's in control. Maybe she likes it. Maybe she likes the praise of others locally who see her taking care of her parents. I don't know her age but guessing she is in her early 70's since your parents are in their mid 90's. She will age out of this caregiving before long unless your parents go into decline and pass on to be with the Lord. It is sweet of you to be concerned about your sister though.

You may need to look into an aging care attorney and see who is the beneficiary on her will to see if your parents had someone designated to help in this matter.
There may be lawyers on your town who do that for the elderly/disabled. Look on this site they may have resources.
Your sister may just need to burn herself out which will happen then she may need doctors care for stress, depression etc.
Hopen that helps!

You talk about being able to legally relocate your parents... are your parents still mentally competent? Is #1 their named POA?

Please consider #1 has been taking care of your parents for a long time and may consider _any_ discussion of relocating the parents, even on a temporary basis, as an indictment of her care. Being short tempered and sensitive can be a symptom of burnout and an approaching collapse. I encourage you to begin any discussion on the parents care with a statement praising #1's care efforts, then concern about #1's spirits and health, her recovery from BIL's death, how 40% of care givers die before the people they provide care. Tell #1 you want her to still be standing when the day comes you bury your parents, not already resting beside her husband. Then discuss _temporarily_ relocating the parents to your home as a respite break for _her_. I suggest talking to the parents about relocating as something #1 needs. My mother is still more likely to agree to something I need than a change for her sake.

I was the caregiver sister. Please don’t make too many assumptions. Don’t go by what other siblings say either. Go straight to the source which is your sister.

Don’t ask her, “What help do you need?” Why? It seems sweet doesn’t it? And it is, to an extent.

Allow me to explain though. No one likes to have to ask for help. So offer!

Offer to bring meals, stay with mom and dad so she can get a break, take mom and dad to doctor appointments, grocery shop, run errands, wash clothes, tidy up mom and dad’s room, anything that helps your sister.

You still get to go home afterwards. She doesn’t have a break.

Did you ever consider that she and your sisters don’t get along for legitimate reasons? There may be more to it than you know.

Don’t try to force her to be friendly with your sisters. That is her choice. I agree that her sisters should be able to see their mom.

Do they stir up crap about the caregiver sister with your parents if they are with them? She may be trying to keep a harmonious home by not allowing them to visit.

Sad that your parents are stuck in the middle unless they are critical of her too. Then they are participating as well.

I would be interested in hearing from your sister. No offense, but your words are second hand information. Send her over her to speak for herself. I’m sure she may appreciate as a caregiver to be able to chat on a caregiver forum, right?

Has anyone looked into a facility for your parents? Sometimes it’s the best option. Sometimes it’s the only viable option. Has anyone looked into palliative care?

I appreciate that you are concerned about your sister and parents. I really do. Since you say you are willing to take your parents in and your mom doesn’t want to leave, so be it. That doesn’t stop you from helping. I don’t mean once in a blue moon.

Set up a schedule with your sister to help on a weekly basis. Then while she is out. Your other sisters can come visit mom and the three of you can do all of the things that she does.

You can wash, cook, clean, whatever needs to be done, just like she does. What a treat for her. That is vastly different from siblings visiting for a short time, hugging and kissing parents goodbye and not helping the caregiver at all.

Siblings should thank their lucky stars that they have a sibling doing all the hard work. They should also thank the caregiver and show appreciation instead of criticism.

Best wishes to your family.

Can the siblings pool some $ together to buy #1 a spa day (and maybe a sis or 2 goes with her to make sure she uses it) while another sib or other person takes care of parents for a few hours? Maybe if #1 feels pampered and relaxed a conversation can be had about family's concern for her well being. Or, if a sis can convince her to go for an "annual physical" a sis can pass #1's doc a discrete note to give her a cognitive exam and maybe also check for UTI. Docs do this all the time. Does #1 have her legal ducks in a row? PoA, Medical Directive, Medical Information Release form, will, etc? Hopefully family can convince her to do so. Blessings to your family!

My culture is Individualistic. Not all, but many small children & elders are now 'farmed out' into childcare / aged care - bcoz the women are working & not in the homes to do it I suppose.

Sounds like your family is more Colectivistic - more village approach. So with 8 adult children it sounds reasonable to make *the promise* of no NH. 5 of 8 out of state, 3 local but 2 working = 1 fulltime caregiver. That is just not a village as you can see.

I admire your acceptance of responsibility & selflessness. But even if you did leave your family to be 2nd caregiver - stlll not a village.

If M & D move in with you, you will be sole caregiver. I just can't see an alternative to getting outside help in. But sister #1 can't / won't see it or accept it.

I think getting a third party in to open her eyes. She's not listening to family. Could you get a Pastor, Church Leader, Social Worker in to mediate? To explain that outside help would provide MORE care - to help you ALL. It is not a failure on her part. Outside help is the village you need.

As children we promised each other our parents would never be put in a nursing home. I hope I have the privilege of caring for my parents at some point.

My first thought, too, Barb, maybe #1 sis is developing dementia. She must be in her 70's?

The stress of providing 24/7 care for the folks is enough to cause dementia symptoms, it is so very overwhelming. Get folks into another living situation, assisted living, care home. SGM, you caring for them is not the solution.

Just read another question: Family members in denial. What can we do?

Not same but elements similar - sort of denial the situation is too big for one person. Maybe some ideas there for you too?

All I can add is offer sister #1 advice, suggestions & alternatives kindly. Keep communications open. Do your research too so you have a plan if/when sister #1 needs help.

Just musing here ... I wonder if she's distracting herself from grieving for her husband, and/or feels committed to doing "better" for her parents than she could for him (even though I'm sure she did nothing that was wrong, or lacking in any way, simply because otherwise she probably wouldn't care so much).

After my mom passed, I threw myself obsessively into various projects. Distraction, pure and simple. Fortunately, none of my obsessions required years of time, and none were caregiving-related. Still, I can see where such an impulse could come from.

Such a hard time for everyone! I don't know ... perhaps someone who CAN still talk to Sister #1 could extol the benefits (e.g., socializing, events and activities) that your parents would enjoy in residential placement?

I read your profile. Are you writing that as though you were your elder sister?

I'm curious how old your caregiver sister is and if you think she may be developing dementia?

Well I think the parents should move.
Regardless of what they want.
Even if it is temporary until #1 can have some time to get herself together. That would be my first choice.
They should move In with you or one of the brothers or into an ALF.
A large percentage. I think it’s something like 40% of caregivers-die before their patients do.
#1 sounds like she is about to crack.
Second choice would be to get her in-house help. I see your post states she doesn’t want anyone in her home. If one of the sisters is acceptable in her home, get the sister help so she has more time to offer. You and the brothers put your heads together and figure it out. Don’t underestimate the benefit of a housekeeper, a cook, a lawn person. Any layer of help makes life easier.

I am reminded that we often have to tell grown children about their elderly parents who won’t budge that they just have to “wait for the fall.” “the fall” being a euphemism for when an event occurs that forces action. I’m not sure how old your sister is but she’s been through quite a bit and it could be her before the parents that has a life changing event. (Actually she has had one with the death of her husband). After all I assume the parents are mostly being waited on while she is wearing thin.

One last comment is that whatever you can do to build a bridge between the sisters I would do it. Things don’t get better just because there is an emergency. In fact the existing discord can cause the inevitable health event to be much more difficult to manage. It’s really not like in the movies where all is instantly forgiven just because dad or mom or sis is about to die or has died or broken a hip or caught the flu.
You and the brothers may have to do an intervention of sorts.
I’m very sorry for this difficult time in your family. Let us know how this situation evolves. We all learn from one another.

Boy, would a lot of caregivers on this forum appreciate what you and siblings try to do for her.

Your sister is showing signs of burnout and very stressed.
Her health will suffer. She really can't care for Mom and Dad in this state. Just not sure how you can get to her. Hopefully someone else can help.