Suggestions on how to stop my husband from driving?

It’s a tough one. My cousin who is 98 drives!

She says that she only drives close to home.

Never has had an accident but I get concerned because she does get speeding tickets. She argues with the police about getting a ticket.

There is a shuttle bus from her senior home that will take her to her doctor appointments but she says that she hates to take it.

When she went to the DMV, they told her if she passes the eye test she can get a license.

Doesn’t it seem like people past a certain age should have to take a driving test?

I think it is sensible and reasonable but apparently that isn’t the case in Louisiana.

My cousin has no intention of giving up driving.

Many docs don't want to be involved. Police often can only get involved after the fact. DMVs aren't always helpful (mom's license state requires self-reporting for dementia!)

HOWEVER, there are too many posts I've read on this forum that talk about relatives who continue to drive despite being told not to, having their license revoked, etc. That doesn't stop them. They either dismiss the whole idea or forget it!

Hiding the keys might work for a while, but don't underestimate those with dementia!!! When we had to take mom's car away, YB did all the talking and took her key. On the way out, I suggested disabling the car as I was sure she had another key. Next day, who gets the nasty call? Me. Never touched her key and told her so. Day 2, another nasty call demanding I get down there now and fix whatever I did to her car. So, she dug around and found that other key! If he hadn't pulled the battery cable, she would have been off like a rocket!

For most men, I wouldn't suggest disconnecting the battery cable. That's too easy. Additionally, you need to drive. The first option I can suggest are to use The Club, which locks the steering wheel - keep the key for that on you at all times! The second option is to have a kill switch installed. Just be sure to have it placed where he isn't likely to see it AND only deactivate it before he gets into the car, so he doesn't see you flip the switch.

Revoking his license may sound great, but it won't stop him from trying!

There are a lot of ways to stop someone from driving, but very few -- if any -- ways to do it where the person will be happy about it. How upset the person gets about losing his/her driving privileges depends on a lot of things.

My dad was always a very strong-willed, independent, even controlling person. He prided himself in having a nice car. He was the one who always drove because mom never had a license. Once his dementia set in, the whole driving issue became a nightmare for me.

I couldn't reason with him. His answer was always "there's nothing wrong" and "nothing's going to happen." Telling him that he might scratch/smash his car, hurt himself, hurt mom, or hurt someone else made no impact on him.

He couldn't remember to fill the tank, pay the registration, pay the insurance, or any of the other responsibilities involved in operating a car, but yet, nothing was wrong in his mind.

Dad was so insistent that nothing was wrong that I would second guess myself and start thinking that I was crazy and over-reacting. Thank goodness I talked to other people that could validate my concerns.

Initially, I put a tracker on dad's car so I could find him if he got lost or ran out of gas. Plus, this tracker gave me feedback on his driving speeds and quick stops.

When I saw enough on the tracker and from his day-to-day behaviors, I knew something had to be done. I tried telling him that my car was in the garage and asking to "borrow" his. That worked for a few days, but he eventually started yelling at everyone and demanding his car back.

So, I returned his car and the keys to him, and then took the keys back when he wasn't looking. (You need to make sure you get ALL sets of keys!)

For awhile, I had a family member park their car in front of the garage door, so dad couldn't get his car out of the garage.

I know people who have disconnected the battery or done other mechanical alterations so that the car won't start when the person goes to use it. This can work if the person isn't mechanical and won't call someone to fix it for them

I know POAs who have sold the car to prevent the person from driving. This can work if the person doesn't have the means to borrow, rent, or buy another car.

I decided to keep dad's car at his house rather than sell it. He seems to get comfort from seeing the car at his house, and this keeps him from yelling and making everyone miserable. With his dementia and physical health, he rarely thinks of going anywhere, but he likes to see his car sitting in the driveway. I can imagine that for some people, seeing the car would stir up temptation, anger, or sadness.

For dad, having the car is a comfort, but for me, it's a huge hassle and a waste of money. We're paying insurance and all expenses on a car that's rarely used. And, guess who gets to take care of all the upkeep on it? Right now, the battery is dead and won't hold a charge because it sat at his house for a year without me running it.

Dad eventually had his license recalled after a doctor reported him to the Dept of Transportation. I had been talking to all of his doctors about his driving. I don't even know which doctor reported him, but I'm glad one of them did! Dad got a letter in the mail saying that due to medical reasons he needed to send in his license immediately, or he would be fined/arrested. I mailed his license in because dad was unable to manage his mail at that point.

I kept the letter from the state and I've shown it to dad on a few occasions when he's demanded to drive. Seeing the letter did NOT help him at all. Dad would say the letter was a fake, or he would blame me for mailing his license to the Dept of Transportation.

Thankfully, the outbursts about the car are rare now, but it took quite awhile. I wish I could tell you some easy way of handling this issue where everyone is going to be safe, calm and agreeable, but unfortunately, I don't think there is one. I hated every minute of dealing with this issue.

Don't do anything to sabotage him behind his back, unless you want to totally destroy his trust for you. He will feel deeply betrayed by you. That's my advice. Don't narc on him to the police, or secretly get his doctor to write a letter to the DMV.

There are many good resources and articles to use for advice on this. Go into the search feature above on this page. Type in "Driving". Lot's of expert advice you'll find.

Be open and honest with him. Can you still drive? Tell him you want to do the driving. Or maybe you can get him a GPS, and have him agree not to drive at night or in bad weather. Or maybe get him agree to drive only to the grocery store or other immediately local locations.

Asking a man to give up driving is a big, big deal. It's taking away his independence. It's emasculating. I don't know how bad he is. Use those resources I was talking about in the search feature, and you'll find some articles that help you and he self-determine if he's still safe to drive. No elderly person drives like he did when he was 30. That's not the standard to which he should be measured. Those resources will help you evaluate a minimum level of safety.

If you don't want him to drive anymore, you have a responsibility to put in place a system to replace the driving, either with driving services, taxis, carpools, etc. There are also services that offer driver's training for seniors, to help them identify their weakness, and help them improve.

Good luck.

If there is not, I think Drs should be made to report someone who the know should not be driving. Just like being a mandated reporter. I don't know why they are so hesitant. It could mean someones life. My grandson is an epileptic and his PCP reported him when he found out medications were not helping with his seizures. It took 3 months for DMV to tell my Gson to hand in his license which was too long in my opinion. Gson had stopped driving when his doctor told him too.

If you think he is a danger, than report him. He will be given a test.

We took my FIL to the neurologist and had him do a simulated driving test. He was SO excited when she told him he scored a 96! Then she explained that was a 96% chance of him being involved in a major accident with driving. She showed him his deficits: Hand Eye Coordination, eyesight, ability to do more than one thing at a time, inability to respond to quick situation changes. She was very kind and told him she could tell he was a very responsible and kind man and told him that she knew he would be devestated if he caused an accident that hurt or killed someone and especially if it killed his wife. Then she asked how he felt. He said he was not happy with those results. She told him that she could force him to give up his liscense but would be forwarding her assessment to the DMV and they may do so if he did not willingly do so. When my husband and BIL left with him he said nothing for a while, and then he said "Well, I guess you should sell my car and cancel my insurance." They told him how proud they were of him for making that decision. He stuck with it. The car left that day, which helped.

His Dr's office should be able to send a letter to the DMV, stating that he is no longer fit to drive. He will then receive a letter from the DMV saying that they have revoked his license. You can then blame it on his Dr.
Has your husband been diagnosed with any kind of cognitive decline? You don't mention that, but I can only assume, since you said he got lost while out driving. If he has in his medical records any kind of cognitive decline, his Dr. should have no problem getting involved and writing that letter to the DMV. And if this is his regular primary care Dr, and he/she won't, try taking your husband to a neurologist for help.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's tough, I know. My husband blamed me for years, after he was no longer able to drive. He did however get over it eventually. I wish you the best.

I've had to personally act to make sure 4 elders in my life stopped driving. You must do things they aren't going to like, and be angry at you for, so be prepared for this. In your husband's case I would take and hide all sets of keys. If he insists on driving you just insist on either going with him as a passenger or as the driver. Then, you can go online and anonymously report him to the DMV. They will send out a letter informing him he has to come in to renew his license and take tests, which he may or may not pass. Worst case scenario is that you completely remove the car from your premises to a secret location and make sure friends and family know that they are to never lend him their vehicle.

My elder uncle should have had his car license ended or his car removed. He went through a red light and got t-boned which killed his wife and dog (but mercifully the other people we not seriously injured). All there needs to be is 1 incident where he mistakes the gas for the brakes, etc., for there to be a tragedy. You are the only person with the power to prevent something regrettable.

A strategy I used with 2 very senior aunts was to discretely line up rides for them with family, friends and neighbors to all their appointments and church, etc. I gave the volunteers gift cards to nice restaurants, enough to cover a meal for them and my aunts. So, my aunts got some nice socialization, a nice meal out and the volunteer got thanked/rewarded. Eventually my aunts hardly missed driving themselves. I'm sure you can work out a strategy for your situation. I wish you success!

I'am 80+ still drive lucky no accidents.You didn't say how his driving was,my wife always checks mine.