Same deal, lack of insight, expectations that I will 'do' when said no. Suggestions on game plan when I'm asked to provide assistance?

DO NOT GO!

That is all.

Thanks all so much.

I decided to pull out today. Especially as after lunch, there became a plan for a different setting. One not even accessible! I had a very good chat with OutofTownSis. She is happy to welcome an aide along & supports the idea for the future.

I cleared up any 'hazyness' of the role, gave her the graphic dets.. she is willing to help - with limits - so we worked out an action plan for her that she is comfortable with. She hears me now that I will not be involved any more & why.

This was acceptable to me so daughter & I will turn up but with no guarantee to stay the entire time.

Stand firm with the NO.

I'd ask them why they are having a family get-together at all, in the midst of covid-19 surges. Do YOU want the exposure at the family get-together?

I for one would strongly suggest denying "family" the pleasure of your company this year.

They are enabling your sister's bad behavior and crippling your ability to say "no" firmly to her.

Small update;

Out-of-towner-Sib has now said "willing to help where needed".

I think this comes from politeness/keeping the peace rather than a desire to actually provide any hands-on care (& possible clean up).

So. Another on the list of cripplers really... 'crippling my ability to say no' as Barb put so well.

So be it. My NO still stands.

Your family has voted that it is more important not to have a "stranger" at a family celebration and more important to protect your LO's charade of independence than to make your comfortable and relieve you of your servant's role.

I would have a sudden "emergency" on the day of the event or in some other way not be there.

Beaty - you're not overthinking things, your sister is not thinking enough.

To avoid any misalignment of your and their expectations, I recommend you send a text now stating that you intend to be a guest and enjoy your time at the gathering, and will not be doing x, y, z which should be done by an aide if she needs them. Then send the same text again a day or so before the gathering to refresh their memory and to give her one last chance to get an aide. Better they know your boundary and lower their expectations now rather than be "surprised" and upset on the day of celebration.

Do let us know how things go.

Ah, I think I see your gremlin...

OOT sibling has got confused. She thinks you want help with assisting your sister.

Uh-uh. You don't want help with anything, thank you very much. SISTER needs support to attend the function. You ain't supplying it. If OOT sibling thinks she is "happy" to, it suggests two things:

1. She has misunderstood the point, as above.
2. She has extremely hazy notions about the definitions of "help" "if" and "needed." And even hazier ones of what assistance your sister might need.

Everybody needs to get it into their skulls that for a person with a disability to lead life to her maximum potential, that person needs to source consistent, proportionate, independent support and USE it.

Keep being a broken record about the need to hire an aide, I should.

Beatty,

I wish I had the perfect answer for you!

I struggle every day with setting boundaries. Some days are better than others.

I have found that journaling has helped me tremendously! Especially what I'm feeling right after I have an altercation or disagreement with a family member. I also write affirmations to myself. "This is my home, my rules!"

It's a great reminder to myself that my feelings matter.

You're feelings matter too!!

God bless ya girl!! Hang in there!!

How about this option, just to be different. You go to the party but very briefly, because you have promised to help at a charity Christmas lunch for homeless people. Perhaps with your daughter too. You turn up after sister has arrived and found someone to take her inside, you go in with air-kisses all round. If sister hasn't arrived, you leave for the charity lunch before she gets there. You disappear before she needs feeding or toileting, or help getting home. This is a lot cheaper than a cruise (and less likely to catch something nasty like Covid). Actually doing it would be good (and hard to criticise). Taking your daughter somewhere special for lunch together would also be nice. It says to the family that you have other choices, and leaves them to find out what you usually do. If they are surprised about it, you say you assumed that other arrangements would have been made, as you suggested in good time.