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She has been solo in a shared room with a private caregiver at night for 4-mos- she's very irritable , nearly 93 and has had many bad falls - she thinks the whole facility is her house and wants everyone out - her new roommate is mainly in a wheelchair and doesn't speak English - I'm trying to stay positive but fear she'll go ballistic - she takes a tiny dose of seroquel at night - I don't want to move her since she's close to home but the price of a private room where she is would be out of reach

Please share suggestions and experiences but please don't say more meds

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I'm not sure how a place like that stays open. I would imagine the state regulators who handle the conditions in long term care facilities would be all over it.

I know of an AL that was located near the one my cousin is in. The state closed it down and all the residents were transferred to other places until the place could get things straightened out. If you haven't gotten any action, I would see an attorney and see if they could advise you specifically on your options.

I like the idea about exploring a regular AL too. See if her doctor thinks it's a good idea.
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Would leaving memory care for a regular nursing home bed be an option? It doesn't sound as though your mom is at risk to leave the facility or that she has the troubling or violent behaviours that would make memory care necessary... neither does her new room mate. This place sounds like bedlam, it may be better for your mom to be safer and more comfortable day by day even if it means you can visit less.
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Thanks for all the answers
Memory care is all private pay - no Medicare/Medicaid - no social worker

I have many issues which I've raised to no avail - from dogs pooping in the dining room and eating off residents plates to men coming into my mom's room and grabbing her to no one helping her get ready for bed or even putting a diaper on her and nurses handing me the wrong meds for her - the cost is $300 a day plus $450/month for incontinence care

Since she had a bad fall there because she was vomiting and dehydrated from a UTI - I have hired a private caregiver for her for 12 hours a day, which we cannot afford

Unusual behavior I get but frankly folks get violent especially the men and one woman who's smashed the tv and front window - imho these folks should never be left without a caregiver present but when one resident put a chokehold on a nurse the caregiver was afraid to help

While my mom has no short term memory she likes to talk and enjoys outings - dinner movies etc

Most of the time she thinks she's in a hotel and is waiting for me to take her home but sometimes she thinks it's her house and yes she wants all the strangers out and the lights turned off etc

She will certainly yell and has had to defend herself against folks who are much younger and stronger and my private pay caregivers have had to defend themselves as well

I have decked her walker out with a bell and bright color tennis balls etc and her name is on everything -

Unless I decide to move her elsewhere I feel trapped
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I'd like to point out that while you are naturally concerned with your mother and her reactions the new room mate deserves some consideration too. When you say your mom may "go ballistic" I hope you don't mean on the poor new roomie, she is paying the same amount for her space that your mom is and shouldn't have to be the one to make all the accommodations.
As for your mom's walker, try to differentiate it from all the others. Put a big bow or silk flower on the front and make sure her name is on it and visible to anyone reaching for the handlebars, at then least staff should be able to locate it more easily if it wanders off...
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I don't understand why a facility with private sleeping area is so desirable, when it seems the problem is happening in the common areas.

Your mother has a right to not be deprived of her walker and if someone does it, they should be redirected, with a write up about it by staff. Other residents who are not able to function without violating other residents rights, should be addressed. Some residents who act out may need to evaluated and moved elsewhere. I would discuss the issue with the director and not let it drop. See the Ombudsman to get help if necessary. Fighting among the residents is not acceptable, imo. Your mom is protected by laws. A certain amount of unusual behavior is expected in a Memory Care unit, but not violence.
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I think I might leave well enough alone. When I was in a regular hospital room I had several room mates from h3ll and it greatly distressed me, so if this one does not interfere with your Mom I doubt she would be happier with another person.
Focus on getting the staff to preventing other residents from harassing your mother.
i know stealing other residents belongings thinking they are their own is a common problem there should be enough staff around to notice and prevent this behavior. They know who the usual suspects are.
I don't know for sure but expect that single rooms are only available for private pay patients when they are on Medicaid.
Try and talk to the social worker even if only by phone to see if there is a solution.
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Thank you
I'm trying to stay positive since I think having a quiet wheelchair bound roommate is much preferable to someone who is younger and constantly roaming around

Many folks try to take away my mom's walker and generally staff do not intervene - I've witnessed many fights among residents and many falls from no one being around

Staff told me this woman who lost toes to diabetes needed more care than she was getting on the 2nd floor so they need to move her to the first floor - unlikely she'll get more care and I'm certainly not going to allow my private pay caregiver to help out if that's what they're thinking

Although this is supposedly the best memory care facilty in the area I may need to look for another with private sleeping areas but since I'm the only one visiting my mom it is very convenient to have her nearby as I work long hours and can only check in late at night before bedtime a couple of times during the week
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Oh, depending on how advanced their dementia is, they may not talk to each other much anyway. My cousin's first roommate in the Memory Care unit loved my cousin. She looked after her like a sister. My cousin loved her very much too, but they rarely talked to each other. It was an unspoken thing. So, I'm not sure the language barrier will be that problematic.
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Since she's in Memory Care, I'm going to assume that she is not likely to remember what you tell her about her new roommate. So, even if you told her that the new roommate is a guest, who is visiting her, she would forget it. So, I'm not sure explanations or words are likely to help.

What I might do is see how mobile her roommate is. If the staff can place her wheelchair in the activity, tv or sitting room in the mornings, then maybe there will be little opportunity for conflict.

I know that my cousin's new roommate is in a wheelchair. She is not able to wheel around by herself. I normally see her in the activity or tv room. The staff moves her into the dining room for meals and snacks. In fact, I've never seen the lady in her own room. They return her to her room in the evening for bed. From what I have observed none of the residents stay in their rooms during the day, unless they are getting dressed or changed. So maybe, it won't be as problematic as you think.

Oh, I'd talk to the staff about it. They deal with this kind of thing all the time.

If there is a problem, ask the facility to move your mom to a different room. I had to do that before and it was fine. The know how to match up personalities.
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I think having a roommate would be one of the toughest challenges of living in a facility. Especially in a memory care facility.

Does your mom literally think the facility is her home? Like, she wonders why all of these strangers are in her home? It's a delusion from the dementia?

Depending upon how advanced your mom's dementia is can you tell her that the roommate is only temporary? I feel bad for the roommate because she doesn't speak any English, she could be a friend for your mom, but it might help to just placate your mom for now. Praise your mom for her understanding and her generosity for letting this new person stay in the room.

It's a Band-Aid fix but it might work.
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