Suffering in guilt.
My name is Robert. I moved from New York to Florida 4 years ago. I had my own condo, my own everything in New York. My girlfriend, all my old friends from school, I have nothing in Florida. My soul belongs to New York. I try as hard as I can but after 4 years, I'm hitting up brick wall. I try not to hurt my mother's feelings and tell her I’ll always be here for her but I’m dying from it. My sister won't help me. She lives in New York she's in her own world. I didn’t know suffering from loneliness could physically hurt you because it does. I wish my mother would put herself in my shoes once to see how hard it is. My mental health is declining very badly. It wasn't good in the first place but now it's bad I always feel so much guilt from getting a nurse so putting her into somewhere I just don't know what to do. I have a psychiatrist and a psychologist once a week and my brain feels like it's floating in liquid.
Making sure mom
is okay doesn’t mean you ruin your life - unless you let it.
You do not mention a diagnosis in the question nor in your profile.
"Taking care" of someone does not mean YOU physically have to care for them.
What it means is that you see that they get the care they need. You see that they are safe.
What it does not mean is that you put yourself in a position that is not healthy for you nor the people around you.
If mom is cognizant you tell her that you can no longer care for her.
She then has options.
Hiring caregivers that will come in and help her remain where she is until she can no longer safely remain in her home.
or
You help her find a facility that can meet her care needs. That could be Independent Living, Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.
You are not personally responsible for seeing that she is happy, entertained, you are responsible for her safety (and your own)
If your mom has dementia she can not "put herself in your shoes". Empathy is, unfortunately, one of the emotions that is lost with dementia.
By the way if your therapists have not told you all that we have told you here...I think you need to ask for a refund!
Your life cannot be about what your mother wants. It has to be about what you need and want. What you need is to go back to New York and back to your own life. Stop living your mother's life and go back to living your own. You can still care for her and help her. I was a caregiver for a long time to many seniors exactly like your mother. Seniors who wore their grown kids out with their neediness and manipulation games. So I'm going to tell you what I have told countless demanding seniors and their family caregivers.
~Caregiving doesn't work unless it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.~
You're not setting the terms on how you will caregive for your mother and you need to for your own good.
Likely your mother will try at all kinds of manipulation tactics, guilt-trips, and games to get you to stay so things remain exactly as they are. The living situation in Florida is working for her. Your mental and physical health isn't important to her so long as you maintain the status quo and nothing changes. If it was important to her she would be willing to move into the appropriate housing and level of care she needs in Florida if that is where she wants to be. Or if she wants to be close to you, she'd be willing to do this in New York. Those have to be her choices. You have to take being a choice yourself off the table.
People are so afraid to feel anything negative like guilt or dislike at times towards a parent. They would rather drive themselves into the grave rather than be seen as 'selfish' because they're putting their needs and life before that of a demanding, elderly 'loved one'.
You're a good son. You will continue to be a good son even if you move back to New York and put yourself and your life before what your mother wants. No one else stepped up to help your mother in Florida, but you did. You don't owe her for the rest of her life, or yours. When you feel negative emotions like guilt or shame for putting your life first, don't be afraid to let yourself feel them. It's the only way to process negative feelings and move on from them.
It's time to sit down with mom and let her know your feelings; maybe she is unaware of how you feel about being in FL.
Good Luck!!
Your mom is fortunate to have you. She also would want you to be as content as you can be while helping her in the last chapters in her life.
Perhaps a discussion, assisted with an Ombudsman, would help to explain how moving back to New York would be beneficial towards her happiness having a new focus and activities with you back in New York. She rarely leaves the house now, as it is, I'm guessing. Introducing new people into your home, dinners together, a comfortable room with flowers and assistance from a part-time caregiver to bathe, read, share time with while you get a well-earned mental health break with your friends.
You need to live your own life, and it is unbelievably difficult to maintain two lives at once.
Please contact the advisors at the following link. I wish you all of the best. Head up, shoulders forward, and a quick prayer being sent you way. You are a good son.
How to Reach:
Contact a local district office or the state headquarters at 850-414-2323 or toll-free 1-888-831-0404, according to ombudsman.elderaffairs.org.
Please read and take action to take back your life.
Tell her what you have told us, either she moves somewhere closer to you in NY or she figures it out on her own. You do not have to solve all her problems for her.
Take your life back, stop being her crutch, you only have one life, time to start living it.
There are places she can go, facilities available to her, home health care and more.
Moving here has also been terrible for my mental health. The loss of my former identity and isolation have been profound. I also miss my old city as it was a much better fit for me.
In my own situation, I am now free to move back, and will likely do so next spring (as I am in a buyer’s market at present).
Your mother will never understand how hard this is. She doesn’t have to. It’s enough that YOU know that this isn’t working for you. I would start making some tentative plans to return.
Best of luck to you.
I am truly sorry for all you are going through, and I am so relieved that you have a psychologist and a psychiatrist to support you. Your support system is about as good as it gets and there is little that a Forum of strangers can do but to tell you we are sorry for your suffering, wish you well, and tell you to keep in close contact with your mental health support system.
No mother in their right mind would ever want any of their children to give up their lives for them. Period, end of sentence.
You don't tell us why your mom is needing any care, but at this point it really doesn't matter, as caregiving has to work for all parties involved and it's obviously not working for you any more. So cut your losses, and give your mom a time limit as to when you'll be moving back to New York, and give her the options of either hiring full-time help(if that is what's needed)with her money of course or being placed in the appropriate facility using her money of course as well there.
40% of caregivers will die before the one they're caring for from stress related issues. PLEASE don't let that be you. You deserve SO much better.
I wish you well in taking your life back and getting back to New York.