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!!! Please help! I have to say I already have my hands full with two kids under 5 with autism! I'm already burnt out dealing with their therapy and needs....then there's my dad! He is 65,newly retired, and is the meanest most stubborn man I've ever met! He lives in the same 1965 trailer he has since I was a child and it was a total pice of sh%t then and you can't even imagine how bad now! I counted 25 holes in the ceiling, floor is giving out, black mold everywhere, bathroom and kitchen so dirty you can't wash your hands. There is a layer of dirt on everything in this place. I have tried and tried to get him into anything-apartment, another mobile home, a house! He won't do a d@mn thing! I can't and visit anymore because I basically have to burn my clothing after being there....my kids and husband have not been there...NOPE . Not worth their health! How sad is this?! I've tried to be nice, and I've been a complete @sshole! Nothing has worked! I've offered to do everything to help-set up for remodeling to come, but they even said the place is not worth repairing at all and he needs to move asap because it's a 100% fire hazard! I am an only child and none of "the family" has anything to do with him (which isn't that hard to imagine why). What do I do?! Thank you in advance!

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Sometimes pictures are worth 1000 words. Visit one more time, take pictures. If you know his doctor's name, forward the photos to him/her. Explain you are concerned for his health. Then here on out, only meet him at a local fast food joint. Just because he is your relative does not mean you should destroy yourself or your family trying to intervene in his life. As the saying goes, Let Go and Let God. Best of luck to you.
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Each state has their own code of what is acceptable for trailers. Some states in the SW are a bit more lax than other places. What you can do is look into the codes, then have someone do a welfare check. If the trailer is deemed unfit, then it will be condemned and he will be forced to move. You won't be the bad guy. The state will.
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I am single and in my younger years (in my 50s) I dated two guys just like your dad. They appeared to be normal, but when I went to their homes, they were awful, stifling messes. Both men were perfectly sane and functioned in the world. One was actually a physician by trade, believe it or not! The other was a manager at a hospital. I tried to clean up the physician's home (he had pathways through his clutter and his bathroom and kitchen were probably capable of giving you some deadly disease - his bath tub was BLACK with filth - shudder). After wasting hours trying to clean up his kitchen, he told me I was too controlling. That's when I woke up.

So my advice echoes what you've heard from others on here. You can't change your dad, let him live his life. Meet him elsewhere. If/when he's ready to change, help him, but with strong boundaries. If he doesn't have major mental illness, it's really his mess to clean up.
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Your post and the description of your father's "home" have been on my mind; rereading it I recall the unsettling feeling that it's been called a fire hazard. I think I would call the local Fire Department Administrative Dept. and ask if there's a way they can do an inspection, even just from the outside. They may take action to have the home condemned.

If the trailer is in a trailer park, there's a higher risk of any fire spreading to adjacent neighbors; there isn't much space between trailers in most of those trailer parks. So if there are neighbors close by, that's an additional risk.

I'm thinking that even if your father wanted to get the place cleaned up, it's a hopeless task, and that he would be overwhelmed to even think about where to begin. So maybe it is time to call the Health Department as well.

I'm also wondering if there are some mental health issues with his having tolerated this environment for so long. Or perhaps he just doesn't know how to maintain a home. Some people don't.

I do think you should be kind in assessment of your role, though. There's really not too much you can do except involve authorities to force him out before something happens.
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I think that he's not going to change; you're not going to compromise, or at least I hope not as you shouldn't, so this is a situation in which other than anonymously reporting him to the health department or code enforcement, you have to switch mental tracks and focus on accepting that there's nothing you can do.

Unless your father has dementia and isn't responsible for his decisions, he's made his own choices, and they are HIS choices, not yours. So you have to make your own choices. If you want to visit him, make it at a public place, not at either your home or his.

Accepting poor decisions made by others is one of the hardest aspects about being a family member, but sometimes it's either him or you, and you have children you have to protect. In addition, if your own health is compromised, you aren't going to be able to protect yourself as well either.
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I would just tell your dad you are concerned about his health and well-being, that you want him to be well but cannot come to visit him in this place. Let him know that when he is ready to move, you will help get him find another living situation. And then spend a couple hours when you have time researching affordable senior housing for your dad and get him on waitlists with your address and phone number as the contact, just in case something becomes available. Even if he's not ready to move they can just keep him on the list till he is ready.

Stubborn elders (not that he's elderly yet) are really hard to handle -- I've spent two years researching options that could be helpful to grandpa (when I could have been spending time on my own family) and he just wouldn't have any of it. Some old men are stubborn and egotistical and there seems to be a subgenre that loves to live in their own filth; maybe it's a control thing?

Maybe if you are concerned about his health and safety you could also call APS, or the fire department if you are worried about his neighbors' safety.

I feel bad for you. You have enough responsibilities.
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Don't set foot in there again. Mold is a serious hazard. You won't be any good to your kids if you develop a mold-related lung infection or immune reaction. Your intro did not state that he asks for your help. It's hard to sit back and let a patent "live wrong." But your best course of action is to keep your distance. If code enforcement or a disgusted neighbor or social services tries to initiate change, it's not your problem. It is 100% for your father to resolve.
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I wonder if Codes Enforcement could do anything. The place is clearly not fir for human habitation even if it was clean.
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816, like ff says there is nothing you can do. If dad is of sound mind there is nothing any agency can do to help him either. Trying to bet him to do something is only stressing you out. Let it go, it is not healthy for anyone to live like that. But, your dad must like it there. Good that your kids do not visit. Dad probably likes the hermit type lifestyle.
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Not anything you can do as long as your Dad has a clear mind and can do for himself. I know you want better for your Dad, but if he is happy where he is, and all this dirt doesn't bother him, let it be.

My late father-in-law home was similar in condition, and the bathroom was a shed out behind the house. His wife and kids were happy in that environment, and we could pop in to see him anytime, and he would drop what he was doing, had his wife run to the neighbors to telephone the grown half-siblings, and they would all come driving over to visit. We always made sure we ate and used the bathroom prior to visiting.... in the long run we always had a delightful visit, lot of laughs :)
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