How do I cope with my stubborn, elderly mom who has no impairments?

You've been all wonderful and supportive. I had a long talk with my mother last night after the last temper tantrum. I've come to the conclusion that she is, in fact, too set in her ways to change. Everything, and I mean all these wonderful suggestions you all provided, was met with a wave of the hand, or saying that she knows or tried it, etc. Bottom line is she doesn't want to change. And maybe she doesn't have it in her to change being married for 71 years, and perhaps doesn't even want me. She wants her life and her husband back. I can't fix that. Consistently, she sees things only from her perspective and can't get her out of that rut no matter what I say or do. The guilt thing is holding me back from just kicking her out into an AL. That's my problem, not hers. She lost her husband and I lost my dad. I think my easiest approach would be having her move back to her home with a friend. At least she'd still feel a connection to my dad. With all the tremendous support I got from this site I have a lot to be grateful for. Thank you all.

The reality is that you're not a bad daughter and she's not a bad mother. She's got her set ways and she's not going to change but she probably won't realize what problems she causes.

On the other hand, you're not just going to lose your guilt, either. My family just loves the guilt trip, our favorite mode of transportation, and I'm just saying that you don't just shed it with the change of seasons.

The idea of having mom go back and live at home but with a roommate might work if you can find someone who would be a good fit for a renter/roommate.

However, you do have to get a spine. I don't like to do it, myself, but I've had conversations with my mom that I'm going to do my best for her and that she's not always going to like it. She agrees that she doesn't always like it! ;-) That doesn't mean she'll change, at all, but if you're firm about things you might be able to get her into some new habits.

frqflyer is Mom still able to read? If she can, use big easy to read type and explain your limitations to her in simple terms and what you are actually able to do each day. Do not suger coat anything and under estimate you abilities to give yourself some wiggle room. Explain what needs to be done to meet their needs and how it can be accomplished. After that you can only seek whatever help is available to them and step away. There is no law that says you have to take responsibility for them As far as that back bone goes it may need a splint while it stiffens up so try and find a caregiver group in your area or individual support from a therapist. You need some one with teeth not one who listen sympathetically but gives you no tools. think of it like having to learn a foreign language. you can one learn a little at a time but without instruction it will just be looking up each phase in a book and you have to learn to speak up for yourself.
Consulting with adult protective services may also help.

makes3, I am trying to grow a spine, but my parents have a way of breaking it, especially my Dad. They use the good old guilt trip which is hard to overlook.

My parents never had to take care of their own parents so they are clueless about what stress they are putting upon me. My Dad never paid attention to anyone else's health so trying to explain to him that I have to limit what I can do during the day lands on deaf ears.

I can't explain much to Mom who is still very sharp but has very limited hearing, like your Mom, and it becomes very trying trying to talk to my Mom, which I know isn't her fault.... even the best hearing aid doesn't help as her hearing is too far gone.

Makes3
All I can add is that we are all sending support and hope you can find a solution.
One more thought. Do you have a relationship with the church which I assume will be Catholic. Can you get the Priest on your side. That is probably the only person she would pay any attention to given your culture
Blessings

Makes 3. She sounds like a child throwing a tantrum when she does not get her own way. My son was 2 and we were off to the grocery store. I had just read an article in Parenting Magazine about temper tantrums . They suggested to just walk away from the child throwing the tantrum. Well, was I lucky that day as my son threw his first ever tantrum. I walked away from him as he was laying on store floor thrashing arms and legs. Once he realized I was leaving he stopped, got up and ran to me. Never had a tantrum again! So if your mother is acting like a child who wants their own way, leave the room. It is not being disrespectful to set your boundaries. Its time for a heart to heart with her about how this is not working and why and how you think it can be fixed.. Also ask her what she thinks is not working
for her.
One thing I would do, is have her drive and you be the passenger. We thought my mother in law was fine to drive until I had her drive. Litlle had i ealized I put my life in her hands. She almost ran over someone in a crosswalk in a parking lot. When I said Mom, didn't you see her? When asked her about it she became belliegerant.
If she is renting out home, should have money for hearing aide. That can be part of your discussion of "whats not working". As far as her chattering when you are exhausted, set boundaries for that. Maybe try some music to occupy some of her loneliness.
Not sure if shortness of breath on exertion has been addressed but she may have some congestive heart failure or deconditioning going on.

She needs to know she is loved, but that does not mean you can spend unlimited time and energy with her. She *should* be able to understand husband and wife time. I have two suggestions that she might or might not consider. One is family counseling. You say, "Look, mom, blowing up every day is no good for you and me, and since hubby and I can't agree how to handle it, it is no good for us as a couple either...I need help in working things out maybe I really am doing something wrong, and we need you to come with us." And if she won't go, you and hubby go, even over her objections. Two, you get a Lifeline so that she knows she has emergency help if anything she fears will happen if she is alone actually happens. She may refuse that too, but then you have to ask *why* she refuses to be alone and hope she might open up and share with you what this is really all about. Maybe she can't face being back in the house with all the memories, maybe she is afraid she'll fall, maybe she is afraid of old age and dying alone.

And, OK, this makes 3 - but if she won't do the hearing aid, then you have to start writing because your voice is tired from yelling. I'm hearing impaired myself and it can be awful when people refuse to repeat things you don't understand - it makes you feel isolated, paranoid, and devalued. MOST of the time I can wear my hearing aids, but I can't wear them in the rain, and I can't wear them if I'm having or just got over a migraine. And they don't give you normal hearing, exactly, though they are a huge help. I was in your spot with my mom who would rarely wear hers and our conversations had to be at about 60 db I think, but I'm a singer, and for the most part had the breath support and endurance to do it and keep the accusations of mumbling down to oh, 2 or 3 a conversation.

And crazy idea #4 - maybe she should come with you to see her grandkid - maybe she'd spend time with him and you would get a break, and her cup would be more full and she'd be less needy too when you get back. Some airports and airlines are better for travelers with limited mobility than others - a little research ahead of time might make it possible.

Veronica91, you nailed it! My mother is definitely old school Italian. She was the controlling head of the household. My dad was the kinder, gentler parent. And, being the daughter of an Italian matriarch it was known growing up that it was my responsibility to care for the surviving parent. My mother held my father's dementia situation over my head. She was caring for him and it got so bad that she couldn't cope any more. I was truly worried for my dad because a 90 year old woman can't easily care for a 91 year old man with advanced dementia. I tried to guide them into AL but she wouldn't hear of it. In order for her to determine what to do with my dad she had to know what would happen to her. It was her back door way of getting what she wanted - to move in with me. She said to me during one of our talks that she absolutely WILL NOT live alone, and that she'd keep my dad with her forever if that was the case. I was so concerned that my dad needed help immediately and she held his care over my head until I relented for her to move in with us. Before she moved in I wanted to make sure there was a clear understanding of expectations, for example, that I would have my space coming home from work, she would make dinner some days, she'd pay for a housekeeper... It was all discussed ahead of time to alleviate the burden that I'd have in taking care of her. NONE of that happened. I'll be 60 this year and I was looking forward to downsizing my workload before retirement, not add to it. She does, in all fairness, pay for room and board, but I'd rather have my life back. My husband tolerates it by going into his room. Luckily, we work together and have a good marriage. but it's certainly not a good situation for any of us. I didn't expect to rant, but I guess I did a good job of it. :-(

One thing no one has mentioned makes3 is that your mother is an Italian woman of the old school and family is everything and she expects everything from you because you are her daughter and it is your duty to care for older family members.
The only way to get this person out of your house is for your husband to become the bad guy and throw her out. She has demonstrated that she is fully capable of living independantly, she has her church friends and socializes and drives around. Never mind AL she has a home to go to and most people will happily move out if you find suitable alternative accomodation and maybe pay the first months rent as an incentive. Have a friendly chat with the tenants and without revealing your intention see if their future plans may include moving on. They could be very happy to be able to break their lease without penalty.
Your mother has recently been widowed and I am sure she is grieving but she is getting out and about so is clearly coping.
Why did you allow her to move in the first place? Did your husband agree or just tolerate it? Your mother has been controlling all her life. She won't be changing. You may have your big girl panties on but before the great confrontation get out the bullet proof pair. You ain;t seen nothing yet!!!!!!!! Hugs and blessings we are all here for you.

Here is what to do about your mom.
You are not going to get her to budge going at the topic directly. Here is how you can use her personality to your advantage in the situation:
1. Gather the information on the three closest assisted-living places you would consider for her. Leave the information in plain sight all over the house especially the pictures of the residents enjoying themselves. Don't ever mention it as something for her, directly or indirectly, until she is clearly ready.to talk about it. For now, It is just for research for your own information. Which is completely true until she agrees to live in one. Invite her to offer an opinion about one facility versus another, if she likes, but don't push. Keep restocking the house and the cars with the pictures and brochures‎ so the idea of seeing assisted living facility information becomes routine and expected.
2. On every not too hot, not too wet, or not too cold day when you go somewhere together. You park in the parking lot of one of the top three Assisted Living places and tell her you need to stretch your legs. Don't insist she come, just quickly ask her each time.
You win either way. If she comes she will start to feel more familiar and more comfortable with being at such a place even if it for "just a walk." If she doesn't come, you are freer to ask the tougher question of residents and the family members you meet on your walk. Again, focus on this as research for your own information and has nothing to do with her. Either way, over time, going to assisted-living facility becomes part of a normal routine. If she doesn't come make sure to park so that you can see the car doing your walk.
3. Start volunteering as an activities helper at the facility you seem to be favoring. Be careful. Don't mention it as having anything to do with her. The volunteering is for your benefit only. If she come with you, you got her in the door of a assisted living facility and becoming more relaxed about being there. If she refuses to go in the car to drive there, you get some more time for yourself after the activity is over and you can run some errands by yourself before going home. If she comes but refuses to get out of the car, setup in advance, to have a staff member or resident to "invite" you both in for fun and a snack.
Over time this plan will soften her up to the idea of assisted living or she will learn that insisting on going with you will involve regular visits to an assisted living facility and may not insist upon going with you so much. All without any direct confrontation.

So, in other words, I've got to grow a spine. I was hoping I wouldn't have to make a decision, and that it would be made for me. Again, thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

makes3, it sounds like your mother is a bully. There is only one way I know to handle a bully and that is to set firm limits about what you will and won't do. She needs to understand that she has a life and you have one, too, and that your life is not hers to abuse. You are very kind to let her live with you. Your husband deserves wings. Your mother needs to understand that life is not all about her.

Your mother will do whatever you let her get by with. You don't have to be unkind, but you just need to get some good boundaries and limits in place. This can include not talking when you come home and having some time for yourself and your husband on weekends. Things can work out. She just has to learn to respect you as a person and not as her personal assistant. This is easy for me to write -- and I know it's true -- but it's hard to do. You just have to let her know what you need and then stick to it. You may find a side of her that is not bad to live with.

And if she gets mad, she can always go to AL.

Makes3, a year is a suitable period of mourning. I agree July last year, after so long a marriage, is only recent on the scale of things, so patience is still in order (and I'm sorry for your loss, too). But here it is: before too long you have to have one big, once-and-for-all, huge, all-or-nothing, monumental humdinger row with her. But you have right on your side: your house. Your rules. Your say-so. So get in training.

Find the perfect ALF. Do the spade work - check it out, find out about financing, do all the preparation. Tell her she's either going there, or she's going back to her place On Her Own and you and your husband are leaving town/the state/the country/Planet Earth (whatever it takes). Your target date is mid- to end-July this year. Grit your teeth, stand your ground and good luck. Your mother will be happier, you will save your sanity and your marriage, it will be worth it.

Here in Canada you can have tenants removed if you need the living space for family. Look into that. If she drives, shops and attends social gatherings there's no reason she can't live alone. She might enjoy a seniors residence with all the activities but she seems to have you ready to jump whenever she snaps her fingers and she knows that won't happen if she has to share anything.

Makes3, sometimes I think older people become grumbly because they know they only have a few more years to be on earth and that makes them unhappy.

I am jealous that your Mom still is able to drive.... how I wish that was the case with my parents [who live independent] as for the past 5 years I've needed to take time off work to take them to their individual doctor appointments, get their weekly groceries, yada, yada, yada. Now I panic thinking about driving them anywhere because I am so tired.

I had cancer 5 years ago, so I know how frightening that can be, and I, too, think my parents will out live me. I am so upset that I never had a chance to enjoy retirement like my parents did.

I think that is a great idea of finding a friend in a similar situation to move in with your Mom when her home is available.

You've" all been so kind. Today I was at the end of my rope after another verbal altercation. I totally understand the fact that my dad just passed away in July and she's utterly devastated. I'm trying to factor that in so as not to appear unkind. Knowing that I'm not alone, and hearing heartfelt stories has helped. After our "go-around" this afternoon she stormed out of the house to go for a drive. In her mind I'm the bad daughter. I really don't like the person I've become when I'm around her. I have no life, but I'm her life. It really would be in all our best interest for her to go to an ALF. Since money is the paramount obstacle she would consider, I've even thought about her moving back to her house when the lease is up (in December, unfortunately) and look for a friend in a similar situation to move in with her. All I know is that I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'm keeping all your responses in mind when we talk -- if we talk. Thank you and prayers to you all as well.

LOL that must be my Stella's twin sister! At 94, you would expect some shortness of breath, some memory loss. I'm surprised the doctor still allows her to drive. She should not live with you, no matter what she wants. No SIL should live with his MIL. So go on your vacation and send her to an ALF. We told mom "It's like a cruise. You get a private room and 3 meals a day. There's activities mornings, afternoons and evenings. There's a nurse on site. There's a beauty salon. Bus trips. Shopping trips." She begrudgingly went for a one month trial. Now she loves the place. Has a boyfriend two years older (88) who is smitten. They really do like to play with people their own age.

I wish I had an answer for you. For if I did, I might come close to solving my problem with "Mom" and "special needs brother" that the "siblings" have dumped me with all the responsibilities. Now, that I am totally disabled physically
and somewhat mentally, I am backed in a corner like a beaten dog.
Please vent anytime you want . Just reading your situation has helped me believe it or not. Also, there are some fine bloggers here. God Bless and prayers for rescue and help are being sent your way.

Thank you, Chicago. I really appreciate your response. Yes, assisted living would be ideal for her, if only she would think so as well. My uncle, her brother, tried to get her and my dad to visit an assisted living at one point. About 3 years ago he knew my mom was getting tired from caring for my dad before she put him into a memory care facility where he subsequently died. My uncle knew I was going to be put in the position of caring for her and tried to help. So he and my aunt came over to visit for the weekend. We all had a nice time until he brought up the subject of checking out assisted living facilities. She threw him, my aunt, and me out of her house and told us she didn't need any of us. That was the last time my uncle tried to intercede to help, and it was the last time I brought up assisted living to her. Again, before she moved in with my I tried to get help from my brother and sister-in-law. They didn't want to hear about it and just told me to face the fact that she'll live to 100 and I've got to deal with it. No one wants to deal with the situation. She can have a mean, stubborn streak and I'm stuck. I don't like confrontation and stress in my own home. I've had 2 cancer scares in the last 7 years and I'm totally aware of the fact that she may outlive me.

If I have ever heard of a lady that is ready for assisted living, it is your mom. There are plenty of activities! Give her a few days to go look at some and then, make the arrangements. It will take a strong determination on your part, but at the pace you are going - your mom will out live you.

Amen, to what you say about not hearing. My mother does the same thing.