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My situation may be different. I don't know as I haven't gone through all the posts. My dad passed last July from dementia and my mom has been living with me for almost 2 years. It wasn't my choice. She's a 94 year old stubborn, opinionated, determined Italian woman (like me). She still drives around town and is totally with it. She absolutely refuses to live alone and there's no family close by. She and my dad were married for 71 years before he passed and I've become his replacement. I'm married and my husband is a saint to allow the current living situation. Everyone loves my mom because she can be so charming. I don't know what to do. She has a house two streets away from me that she's renting so she can live with me. She absolutely refuses to live alone. And everything I do she has to know about. I can't go shopping without her wanting to come. One time I "snuck" out of my own home to just be alone and I got chastised when I returned. My husband just goes to his office and closes his door to watch TV. We're constantly at odds with each other. I try to be patient. I have a brother out of state who has health problems. So he refuses to hear about any of this. Her biggest issue is she gets out of breath easily so she can't walk anywhere for any length of time; also she refuses to purchase a good hearing aid. I'm tired of repeating everything I say so I shut down. Then when she tries to make conversation all I hear is "huh?" So I don't converse. Then she tells me she has no one to talk to. She plays bingo every Monday; goes to church to see her friends twice a week, goes shopping. She's fairly active. I work all day and when I come home I'm exhausted and want to decompress. I don't want to be "attacked" with constant chatter. For the most part she backs off during the week, but on weekends she feels I'm hers to take her to church, go to supper, shop. My husband and I are going away for a week to see our son who lives out of state and she can't understand why she can't come with us. I get the guilt trip thrown at me that she'll be alone and she wants me to call her every day because something may happen. I could go on, but it would be boring for everyone. I don't know that I expect anything from anyone. Just, thank you for letting me vent. I'm tired.

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Your story brings to mind anl old saying: The first thing to do when you feel like you are being treated like a rug is to *get up off of the floor*. I actually like hubby's idea of retreating to a separate area. Personally I use Starbucks. Rather than go home after a full day of work, make a habit of going elsewhere. I expect you are old enough the kids are out of the house. Let Hubby know where you are. Turn your cell phone off. Possibly get a second cheapie one from Walmart with a top secret number in case your husband really needs to talk to you. Go to the YMCA and soak in the hot tub in the evenings. i.e., make yourself scarce. I don't have much of a spine either and my mother is a professional spine stomper, always has been. Boundaries are essential in your relationship with this woman and she is not respecting yours at all. So, easier than confronting her and arguing with her constantly, make yourself scarce for a few months. If she wants to go out with you, the only place you are going is to the assisted living communities for a tour and lunch/dinner. Find a hangout where she can't drive and find you. If she does find you, change hangouts. Rent your own office but stay out of her emotional grasp for a while. When she doesn't have you to torment, she may decide she can do better elsewhere. You are going to feel guilty no matter what, so you may as well pick a path that will allow you a little quality of life for yourself. The first rule of rescuing another is be sure you are able to save yourself, then worry about the other guy. If you are not healthy and happy you make easy prey. God bless you and the rest of us, too.
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This is what happens when I try to multitask at the end of a long week! Oops! My bad!
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Sandwich, it's not Aheart's husband who runs to the office, that was the OP, lol.
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Wailing and moaning can be manipulative control and/or congitive decline.
In either case, so what?
She has to be moved and it can be a strong person to do it at home or a strong person to do it at a facility. One or the other.

You have to also let yourself have permission to make the hard decisions about what is in your best interest as well as hers. We would not let a stubborn little child walk all over us, but we will let out parents simply because they seem to be adults. At some point, their reasoning is not that of an adult anymore and you are going to have to take the reigns to keep her and yourself safe. Nobody's mom has ever been happy to let this happen, but it has to, and has happened to billions of people with aged mothers. It's the way it is when we are all living so long.

Having a husband run off to his office would stop in my house. If I have to be out there with her, so does he. This kind of this a really bad habit to get into that can lead to bad places for a marriage. It builds resentment and other hard feelings. I can't be physically close to someone I resent and have anger toward. Bailing on you to deal with it all by yourself is pretty crappy if I may say so.

I encourage you to put some strong boundaries in place, stand up for what YOU need, and think ahead to the day you can no longer be her care provider. Tour some nursing homes and see what there is in the community. Mentally get yourself ready for changes. There will never be a better day or a good time for this kind of change, but you don't want to wait until you have a crisis on your hands to be forced to act.

Sometimes the promise to keep mom at home is no longer possible and you should not feel obligated or boxed in. Do what makes sense now and for the future when her need level increases to preserve your sanity, health, well being, and her safety and security.
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Aheart, you are far from stupid. You're here and you're listening to folks who have been in your shoes! Your poor mom is scared. Don't take her words to heart.
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I would think that a doctor treating diabetes (an endocrine doctor) might be reluctant to make house calls because s/he almost certainly needs blood and urine tests. Does she have a regular primary care physician? It sounds like a situation in which the doc could order a visiting nurse to come and evaluate.

What is causing her to be bed or chairbound?
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Her diabetic doctor dumped her because he refuses to come to our home to see her and her She has to go to him and her pride will not allow us to get someone to help
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Unfortunately, it does sound as though your mom is having cognitive issues. You need to call her doctor and explain what is happening. Anti-anxiety meds may make all the difference in the world.
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I feel like Im in a mental ward here my poor father is gonna have a heart attack
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I have made those suggestions and all we get is anger and tell Dad and I to leave Move out Words like weaklings you are so stupid and hurtful non solving issues and words I told her its unsafe We have no choice but get the fire dept here so we can get her safely out of bed to put the bed in
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AHeart, if your mother doesn't have dementia, it might be worthwhile to tell her she has a choice, you hire someone strong, or she has to go to a facility. If you hurt your back so that you're imobilized, where does that leave her? You need to stay healthy, for her sake if not for your own.
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AHeart1959 is your mother bed-bound? How do you and Dad get her up to change her sheets, etc.? How would you evacuate her in the case of a fire or other emergency? Would her doctor order an assistive device such as a Hoyer lift? The situation doesn't sound safe.

What do you mean she won't allow you bring in someone strong enough to help? How can she stop you? Do what needs to be done, explain to the helper to expect wailing and crying and get on with it. Perhaps after this happens a few times it will help your mother see that you are not carting her off the the nursing home each time you need to move her.

No one wants to see their mother/wife wail and cry. Of course not. But don't let her behavior blackmail you into not doing what needs to be done for her sake.

Your profile says Mom has diabetes. Are there also some cognitive issues going on here?

Are you working with any agencies?
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How about selling her place and ourchasing a Duplex or building a house( or remodel) wityh a Mother in Law Suite? That way she will be close for safety but you and your Husband will have your own space.
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How about a plan to sell her house and purchase or build a duplex or home with a Mother In law Suite? She can be close enough for safety but you would have your own "space?"
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I have a mother who wont allow us to bring in anyone strong to help us lift her move her all she does is wail and cry We have to get a new bed in and my dad and I arent strong enough to move her anymore and its battle after battle with her She is afraid we are gonna put her in a nursing home Im at wits end I dont know what to do ???
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I have to say the Italian old time people are soooooo incredibly hard to deal with....my mother also wanted to be in every inch of my married life, and as well as my sisters, and had something to say about every move we made.She and her sisters were battlers, always fighting with each other and in their children's lives as well...my father was just same as her though...not some meek little man and their fights were violent, even getting him jailed once..the one thing I can say now that my mother lives with me is that I run the show here....I have given up 90% of my life to have her here in what should be the best years of my life. I don't run the business I own, can't travel to see my toddler grandsons grow up, so believe me I don't take an ounce of crap from someone who gave me tons of it
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Makes3, there IS something wrong with her memory and YES you should download suzette's book on Kindle for a very small fee. It will be a real eye opener.
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OM gosh, I am so sorry and feel so badly for you. I know exactly how you feel, trust me. PLEASE read my book - it is honest and raw and laid out emotionally. I believe your body and spirit can handle no more. It is possible to place parent's into a convalescent center? I would def look into that - for your own sanity. I shared my blog because I KNEW I couldn't handle Mom living with my family. I would have been no good to anyone. My B/P was already soaring, I worked full-time, as did my husband, a teenage son, and fulltime caregiver - one day I contemplated driving over the Coleman Bridge here in Gloucester....I didn't - but the stress was unreal.
I am no fancy doctor, have no degrees, but years of notes, frustration and journaling allowed me to write a book that is real.
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Suzettebrown, how true that is about physical ailments of us grown children trying to help our parents.

Even though what I am dealing with in regard to my parents is very simple compared to what other caregivers are going through, it has caused undo amount of stress on me these past 5 years, and that has caused numerous serious health problems.

Stress causes our immune system to drag its feet, thus the immune system can't fight off the bad cells.... I honestly believed the stress caused my cancer, because there were no other triggers.
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I agree with NanC....your Mom is way up in years. Sounds like she is very healthy though which is a very good thing.
However....I doubt you will outlive her at the rate you are going - your stress will manifest in physical ailments - ie: high blood pressure, depression, agitation, etc. Your mom has not a care in the world.
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I'd be interested in the book as well. Sent you a friend request.
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OK Makes3
Below is my FB link

Go to FB and "friend" and I can provide f/load thru a message ! My book will help you a lot - I had guilt too. Never knew why, I just did.
All your feelings are NORMAL....
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Alas, yes, a spine is required.

I suggest you set a deadline for when she must be out of the house. (Perhaps by the end of August?) Then offer to help her explore her options.

By the way, is she paying you room and board? If not, you are really creating a problem for yourself. Why should she be willing to pay for living elsewhere if she is not paying now?
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Makes 3 - good, I hope my answers did help. GET her out of your house. She knows exactly what she is doing - and it is time for you to be selfish...ah she doesn't want to inconvenience the male child, you notice? Great answer for home health worker who can help cook and clean, or a live in (home-in) service is even better. If she doesn't like it, I hate to sound mean and cruel - but oh well, she will be fine-loved-and well taken care of. This is so not fair to your husband who is now going into the study and closing his door. That is a sign for you to pick up on !!! This will drive the two of you apart as well...in time.

Be more than happy to send you free d/load - how do I email to you?
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Well, I most certainly know how you feel. My mother is 93, and up until 24 months ago lived in Florida alone. She had a male friend for 15 years prior, but he died and mother started tell we three children how lonely she was. We found a beautiful Independent facility close to where I lived and and hour or so from my two siblings. She moved in 24 months ago and was immediately unhappy because she was there by herself and not living with my sister.My brother has a large home and tried to have mother there but she was impossible. We children agreed that she had a nice place and should stay, but she beats up my sister and consistently is calling and trying every manipulation possible to get my sister to take her in. She calls and says she is having a stroke or some such ailment. She won't interact with the other 150 people and is always complaining about her children to anyone within earshot. I could go on for hours about our experience in the past two years.
Bottom line is that it is impossible to give answers because each senior has different personalities. Most of the senior women (not all) at the AL facility are unhappy being there, but can not give or find any alternative. Truly, I think since your mother has a home close by you should find a home health service or in-home service that can check on her each day and help her clean and cook whereby she could stay by herself. There are so many ways to help her live independently without you having to deal with her daily. It is difficult for our mothers to realize that women today have a full load without having the additional fatigue of raising their mothers while raising children or grandchildren and working, cleaning , cooking etc.
Yes you must strengthen your spine and loss the little girl attitude towards MOM...
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Wow! Thank you all for your very thought-provoking responses. I'm trying to be kind in taking her needs into consideration, especially in light of my dad's death. Her own brother told her she was selfish to consider wanting to move in with me and said he'd never want to do that to his son. Her response was that his son was selfish in not wanting his dad to move in, therefore, she must be loved more (in so many words). I plan on pursuing her moving back to her own house, and perhaps enlisting a friend. I'd just like my own life back which doesn't mean I'll abandon her. It will just mean that my life won't revolve around her as she would like it to. After all, if something happens to me, my husband wouldn't have her stay. He'd move her out real quick. Suzette, I would love to read your book. Please e-mail separately. Your book sounds amazing!
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***Makes 3....... As the author and caregiver of a strong mother w/Alzheimers - - I remember distinctly the doctor asking me as mom's disease progressed... Can your mother live with you/your family (son and husband) ? MY immediate answer was and emphatic NO - NO WAY - NOT GONNA' HAPPEN
I knew that if she lived with us, I would end up with a nervous b/down and my Mom would be oblivious and fine. Her Alzheimer's in a way, thankfully, made her unaware. On the other hand, I could see our house accidentally going up in flames, Mom walking down the street alone to heaven knows where, letting my dogs out accidentally (one of them a 130# GSD), creating a very dangerous environment for us both - demanding and bickering with me all day - and that is after I got home from a full time job. It was too much. I knew I couldn't handle it, the chaos it would create, also not good for my teenaged son, and hard working husband.

YOUR mother is clear minded - thank goodness. How dare her insert herself into your life without a thought or care of anyone else but herself. She is bullying you and being very selfish. But on the other hand, you are allowing it to happen. Sorry to have to say that - but it is true. Your husband is a SAINT and I will say, knowing men he won't put up with it much longer as he sees your decline and stress level increase. I hope he does put his foot down and tell her to leave.

MOVE HER to her own HOME. Which I can imagine is quite cozy and comfortable. Put your foot down, give her so many days - a month - to prepare to move. Be honest with her in all aspects. ALF are also wonderful places for elderly patients, many there are simply unable to live alone - but they don't have dementia/Alzheimer's.....they have games-entertainment-food prepared-lovely courtyards-trips to stores and malls-but above all for me - was the SAFETY issue and care my Mom got. Your mother would be well taken care of, and probably enjoy herself.

My admiration is extended to you. I could and WOULD not put up with her. She would be gone. Intimidation, threatening, guilt trips, screaming, would no longer matter - nor get to me. It should not matter whether SHE approves or not regarding an ALF - or what she thinks. It is YOUR HOME - your life and she is taking full advantage of your kindness.

I would love to offer you a free d/load of my book. It is five years of being a caregiver to my Mother. It is getting good reviews, and I'm so proud of my product. I offer advice, tips, suggestions, (DPOA, elder attorney, DSS/elder abuse department, ALF, convalescent centers, finances, DRVING, etc.)

"Alzheimer's Through My Mother's Eyes"....let me know, I'll supply you with a code thru smashwords for a free read. I really think my book would help you.

Keep us posted - and bye to your Mother....you are an amazing woman - and hats off to you for your patience.

Suzette Brown
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Your mom is old. She won't be with you for long. Can you think of her as the woman who gave you life? No one knows the end of their life. Can you make it pleasant for her in any small way? It is in how we think about death that defines how we are in life. Try to be happy that you are part of her last days and she wants to be with you.
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Assisted Living can be expensive but there may be an independant senior apartment that serves two meals a day that would be affordable.
If you can find one that you think would work, ask them if you and your Mother could come for lunch or dinner a couple times to check the place out. You will likely have to make a reservation and pay for the meal but it would be worth it to see the facility in a more casual light than a formal tour would be.
I agree that it is time to set some boundaries. If confrontation becomes a no-win stalemate, try writing out your expectations and ask her for a response in writing.
You might be able to get her to go to a counseling or mediation session, ( most people are a little restrained when there is a mediator). There is no easy answer to this situation and your Mother may be afraid to live alone after being married for 72 years. She may have some fears or emotional issues ( abandonment after losing her life partner) that she is unable to put into words.
Some households work better with written expectations and a schedule on the fridge. Let her know that the " house rules" are for everyone's sanity and happiness.
I applaud you for managing this long. Take care of yourself and your husband. You deserve it.
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makes3, my parents are the same, they really resist change. I really think it's their generation, all their siblings lived long lives in their own homes and depended on their grown children to stop their lives and give up retirement plans to tend to their parents every need.

I try to understand that getting older puts a lot of limitations on our parents, but my parents also need to understand that I, too, am getting older and now have limitations. I can't seem to convince my parents that I am also a senior citizen, even flashing my AARP card doesn't make a dent.

Veronica, how I wish my Mom could read but she has a bad case of macular degeneration.... writing to her would solve a lot of issues, as I don't think she knows that Dad wants to start driving again... she would put a stop to that foolishness.

One time I thought I had everything worked out about Dad asking me to do heavy lifting, etc. I said to Dad "would you ask Mom to lift bags of mulch"?.... if the answer is *no*, that means I can't do it, either, please keep that in mind. But that was short lived, just the other day he asked me to get him some mulch.... [sigh]
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