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She lives in a different state and can be emotionally abusive. I don't know how to handle it. I am at such a low point. My mother had a mini stroke about a year ago. My mother lives in a different state and I am an only child. I spent two weeks with her after her stroke. She was mean, said the nastiest things to me and made me cry; I am a grown man and she brought me to tears. My mom is a bully by nature and has always labeled herself as a victim. In her opinion no one has had it worse than her. My moms neighbors have called me over the past year telling me that she continues to deteriorate. I have sent countless letters to her doctor and filed three cases with APS. APS has told me that they have investigated and she is fine. Until she does harm to herself or there's there is nothing they can or will do. I also called a lawyer to seek advice, and he reiterated what APS told me. My mother and I are map now estranged because she is so difficult to be around and her neighbors don't want to help her for the same reasons. My mom was emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child. She raised me as a single parent and I know that wasn't easy. If she weren't my mother I would have nothing to do,with her because she is so toxic, and I feel ashamed and guilty for feeling this way; like some kind of monster. I want her to be okay. I want her to be safe. But, I just do not like or want to be around her. What should I do?

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I have been to that movie and seen the sequel. Read Stop walking on eggshells. It's a book for children of parents with borderline personality disorder. You might start feeling like somebody was watching your life to write the book.

As an only child who is up in the middle of shouldering all the burden for my BPD mother with Alzheimers. She is now in a locked dementia psych unit. This process has used all my vacation time up. Cost me gray hair and weight gain, time away from my family, anxiety, sleepless nights, and of course, it cost me plenty of my own money. All to make a hateful, abusive, mentally ill woman with dementia in a safe place.

Consider ALL your options, including petitioning for a court ordered conservator & guardian to handle her affairs. I wish I had, but I didn't know. I won't have an inheritance out of this at all, but no amount of money is worth what i've been through.
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RK, I was trying to gauge how old you are, but instead came across your post on the thread about not liking one's mother *any more*. But with you it isn't a case of having liked her before but now finding her too hot to handle, is it?

So, I'm wondering - have you ever had any success in getting to grips with your feelings towards your mother? Are you interested in giving it a go?

The point is, what you're doing now - keeping your distance but staying in touch in case of emergencies - is fine. That most certainly fulfils any filial responsibility. Thumbs up.

But it still leaves you in turmoil. Here is this lonely old lady (with a witching temper on her, but there you go…). Her only close relative is you. You don't want to touch her with a stick. It's an incredibly sad situation which is in no way your fault (heavily underlined - NOT YOUR FAULT), and yet, at the same time, you are the only person who has the potential to change anything in it. Your mother would probably rather die than change. Her local community is none too keen, and who can blame them. So that leaves you.

Be clear: you can walk away with not a mark on your conscience. You are doing all that can be expected. On the other hand, depending on many, complex factors, it *could* be that your own mental and emotional health might benefit if you can get more comfortable in your understanding of and relationship with your mother.

I'm going to leave it there, and ask what you think.
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You have done everything possible for your mother. I know how frustrating that is. Last year, I knew in May that my bedridden father's coughing had changed to the sound of one having pneumonia. I tried and tried to get him to go to the clinic or ER. He refused. As the weeks went by, his coughing and the phlegm was awful. In June, I finally called 911. They were not going to send an ambulance since I told them that my dad would refuse to go to the clinic/ER. But I practically begged them to please come. They came, questioned him about president, date, etc... He answered correctly, and they left without taking him. Like you, I called APS. They told me that if my dad wants to die, that his right. They then referred me to the elder law attorney. I went down in person, got interviewed on why I was there, and I was told that my dad has a right to refuse medical help. If he wants to die, that is his right. I then went to his health insurance customer service to see if we can send a doctor to do home visit. I was very firmly told that their doctors do not do home visits. The lady gave me a pamphlet to call the number ... APS! I was back where I started. I was so upset and frustrated. Finally posters here (Experienced caregivers) told me that the pain will force my dad to seek medical help. And sure enough, one week later, he told me to call the ambulance. His left lung was almost filled with fluid. He spent 2 weeks in the hospital. And the doctor says that my dad has a very sharp mind. So, we couldn't even declare him incompetent.

For your mom, you have done more than I did for my dad. After doing that run-around, I wasn't going to start doing it again. You did your best. There's nothing you can do until something happens to her. I know, that's not what you like but it is what it is. Too bad that her neighbors have no desire to be with her. You're just going to have to monitor her by calling her regularly to see if she's okay. Not an ideal solution but .... You DID try your best to help her!
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It sounds to me like you've done everything you can. You can't just keep filing cases with APS . . . perhaps they are right and the neighbors are wrong. If they aren't? Then suggest THEY call APS. I don't know how long it's been since she was evaluated, but there an sure be a downhill slide fast in the elderly.

We don't choose our family. Sometimes they are soooo toxic that the only thing we can do is divorce ourselves from them. If that's what happened between you and your mom, I hope you can come to terms with it.

Remember, it's not as if you are being asked to help and are turning her down. YOU are asking to help, and she is turning YOU down.

My advice would be to write a letter to her. Maybe you won't even mail it. The process will be cathartic. Offer your help . . . tell her what you told us -- that you want her to be okay, and you want her to be safe. Ask her what you can do to help her. If you end up mailing it (after it's edited for possible vitriol), then you have SURELY done everything you can possibly do.

Some people are so stubborn and cantankerous that they insist on living life on their own terms -- even when it's so far off their best interests as to be fool-hearty. Those people are generally damaged, and there's nothing even a loving son can do.
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