I'm struggling to visit Mum. It's destroying me to see her dying. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I rather suspect the OPs mother is dead now. Where are your peer-reviewed articles published? I'd love to see the data.

I don't know where her cancer is, but you can do much to stop her cancer. Give her alkaline water from now on. When the cells are alkalinized, cancer cannot spread and it will stop, trust me because i have reversed several people's cancers. Also, bulk organic green tea, pomegranite juice and some herbs are effective in stopping cancer.

Oh I feel for you so much. It is a stressful time. After my dad was placed in hospice care, I started grieving. It was so hard to watch his deterioration. Please go and see her, cry and talk to her and even just sit there quietly. She knows how hard this is for you. Talk to the hospice staff. I know how much better they made it for me and my family. They will help you through this difficult time - before and after she transitions. Love doesn't die. Take good care of yourself and seek strength in others. Take it one day at a time. Prayers and blessings to you!

I was thinking about you and your mom ,GOD BLESS YOU!!! I keep in my prayers.....

Please seek some mental health therapy for yourself. No, I don't think you are crazy just extremely stressed. My mom was just placed on hospice last Sat. She looks good now but I know that won't last and I to dread the coming physical changes. Getting myself a therapist was one of the best things I ever did and my mom also benefited from this. Please don't beat yourself up, you are grieving, let yourself grieve. I am an old retired nurse and I have seen patients die with only me at the bedside because their 7 "kids" ( people in their 50's) were just to upset to literally put a foot in the room. They had taken good care of her but seeing their "mommy" dying made them all about 5yrs. old again. It is scary, and very human.Do what you can ,don't make yourself sick. I to am ambivalent about being "there" when she draws her last breath, I do and I don't.But I was there when I cared for her in my home as long as I safely could and I was "there" for her as I managed her care without being hands on any longer. The hospice I have frequently asks how I am doing and have been emotionally supportive with any of my questions or if I just want to ventilate. I do make sure I have plenty of Kleenex around me as I never know when a crying spell will hit. I feel guilty all the time but with therapy this has lessened and helped me be realistic with the situation. Your mom is lucky to have you. Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

I sat with my mom during her final day (and was her only caregiver for the preceding 15 years). I'm single, no kids. My brother lives states away and didn't come back for my mom's final days. I sat with her for over 12 hours, after the hospice nurse said she'd pass that day. After 12 hours, I went out to lie down for a short time. I came in an hour later and mom was gone. So despite my best efforts, she died by herself, even though I was in the next room. Even if someone is with us, we really die alone. It's our final journey that we can only take by ourselves.

So do what you need to do and just be sure to tell your mom you love her and anything else you need to say. You have been there for her when she needed you, so if you're not there during her final moments, you've still been a loving daughter. {{{Hugs}}}

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. It's a tough situation to be in; not only are you losing someone close to you; there's no other immediate family to help lessen the grief. But I think your mom would not believe you're letting her down; our mothers understand our needs very well. You've been a great daughter, and in the coming weeks and months, you will have a lot of memories of what you both shared, both sweet and bittersweet. Part of letting go is making sure you're strong enough to continue and if you're feeling overwhelmed at this point, I think some time for yourself to adjust will help you. Please don't feel bad for needing some time for yourself; part of being strong is admitting when we need to recharge, and admit we feel weak. That's not a crime. I don't think your mom would hold you to the 24/7 standard of "being there" around the clock care you may be holding yourself to at this moment; not even the best child can manage that. I'm sure she loves you very much, and if she couldn't say it to you directly, you can feel it in your heart.

Hugs to you, it must be very tough on you to lose the only immediate family you have at such a young age. I lost Dad in my late 30’s but had Mom 12 more years. I also have the support of my husband to help with the transitions. Take advantage of what ever supports Hospice can give you. Do you have a friend that could go with you to visit Mum? Could they be there as part of your support team? Hospice was wonderful when my BIL passed last year in his mid-fifties. You need to grieve so don’t feel bad for taking time for yourself.

I can't give a answer it's such a tender subject.I can tell my experience ....last year we found out my father had bile duct cancer ,it's probly the most UNCUREABLE type of cancer there is .The only possible cure is the Whipple procedure. This is probly the toughest surgery anyone can ever have.So the prognosis live 5 months with palliative care,or possibly live 5 years with this horrible surgery,dad chose the surgery .My dad made it through the surgery endured extreme pain ! Then after about two weeks of barely eating they thought a feeding tube would help,my dad then had two heart attacks probly because after surgery, No blood thinners.....Finally I said after about 30 days of seeing my dad SUFFER I SAID STOP!!!I'm takeing him home on hospice .I then called Vitas myself within 3 days he was home and I took care of him 24 hours a day for three weeks .This was the hardest thing I ever did,but I could not see him suffer any longer ,I just Loved my dad so much ,I told him"Dad I understand how much pain you are in its OK to go ,I promise I will take care of mom and look after all your grandkids please dad believe me I won't be mad it's OK...I will always miss you but we will be OK."Dad looked at me like he was shocked ! Then I said ,to lighten things up ",but please don't go tonight ,wait until tomorrow. "Dad whispered "Julie I LOVE you" .and he waited until about 6am the next morning,to go...it so hard to lose a parent but it was so peaceful for my dad that he would no longer be in pain or suffer ..

I am sending prayers and lifting you up through HIM, our Heavenly GOD. He'll get you through this difficult time.

Hugs to you! Seeing a loved one in their last days is traumatizing, to say the least. Rest assured that your mum knows how much you love her, and that you did everything in your power to show her that. As a mother you understand what your children are capable of, and what is too much for them to bear. You are not letting her down! Is she on morphine or other pain meds? If so, she is most likely incoherent and unaware of your absence. Everyone has different limits and you need to allow yourself yours. If you can muster the courage I would suggest one last visit, but if you can't then you need to be ok with that, and say your goodbyes via prayer, knowing your mum understands just how hard it is for you to see her in her last days.

Short term anxiety like this is what Xanax is prescribed for. Call your doc and tell him/her what you're going through and ask for anxiety medication. It can be quite helpful for short term situations.
Blessings,
Jamie

Sometimes one can't be with a LO during the last moments. For one thing, as the OP mentioned, the timing can't always be predicted so the dying process could span for days, weeks or longer. Second, circumstances may prevent it--for example, my sister and I were called by the NH when our father was dying; my sister got stuck in traffic, and I received the call after she did, so neither of us made it in time. I believe he was essentially comatose (at least he seemed to be the night before) so he likely wouldn't have known if we had been there at his death at about 3 PM.

You are a wonderful daughter and have been there for your Mom her whole life. She knows that. There is no rule that you need to be there when she takes her last breath. Two of my friends chose not to do that with their Moms and some people choose to die alone when a devoted family member steps out for a minute. You do what is right for you. Tears are absolutely fine. Prayers for you in the days ahead.

I believe that you could use some grief counseling. Ask hospice staff. They support the whole family.

Oh my gosh. I can feel your pain from here! What a distressing situation.

Is Mum currently in a hospice facility, rather than being at her house? That can be a wonderful blessing, knowing that help is available to her at all hours. It can allow you limit your contact time with her to periods you can accept.

If I were in your mother's situation, I would except my children to be sad. I would expect them to cry. If they had a stiff upper lip each time I saw them I'd probably wonder if they weren't going to miss me. But I also wouldn't want every visit to be consumed with sadness.

Here are some things I think I'd like to hear:
"Mom, thanks for doing such a good job of raising me to be independent. I'm glad to be able to take care of myself now."
"Seeing that xxx reminds me of the time we yyyy."
"I'll never forget the time you helped me with xxx. I think of it when other people need my help."

I fed my father the last thing he ate -- a little cup of ice cream in the hospital. I told him my memory of eating an ice cream cone for breakfast when he took me to the fair, at about age 7. I told him all my other memories of that long-ago event. I hope it was a comfort to him to know that things he had done as a parent will live on in our memories.

I don't know how lucid your mother is, but I suspect it would be better for you to be there with a few tears than to be absent. Talk to a hospice nurse. He or she may have suggestions for you at this point. They've been through this many, many times.