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I am still struggling trying to get my mom to go to assisted living. She is still refusing to go! I am an only child, working mom, wife, and still have kids at home. My mom will not hire someone full time to come in she has part time help a couple days a week at night and depends on me the rest of the time. I am TIRED! I am worn down and wishing it would go away. I held a place for her at the AL but she doesn't know this because she would be mad that I spent her money on a room there. I only have this month to make the move or I am going to have to give up the AL. I cannot do this anymore and need her to be somewhere I know there are people to care for her and she will have access to meals anytime of the day, I don't have to worry about the electric going off in this bad winter, ETC. So many things, but she WILL NOT go. She is only 68 and has dementia. She can remember many things, it is just mostly her short term. She doesn't remember when she talked to me, or how to set clocks when the electric has been off due to the weather. She can't always remember our phone number but knows where to find it. Simple things are going down hill except her stubbornness. She always makes me feel I am doing something wrong. I am being "mean" when I suggest the AL facility, or "look how you treat me" of course after I mention the AL. She always has an excuse, the windows are too high, it's only two rooms, I don't have anything to wear, how will I get my groceries, on and on. I try to encourage all of these things will be fine, but to her everything is terrible. I need help!

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Jewel I guess the progression of mental and physical issues varies from person to person. Spring of last year I was able to take my mother out to the hairdresser and short shopping trips. When I dropped by the NH yesterday she was unable to speak and totally out of reality.
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Affording assisted living for the rest of someone's life is probably not feasible for most if they live 20 or 30 years. My mom is still young at 68. I am looking for the right now. What is best for my mom right now. With dementia, yes, she could live 20 more years, but right now she cannot be alone and gets confused. I have to do what is best now. I will worry about 2034 when it gets closer, but thanks for your concerns. Ashlynne, yes I am worried about the phone calls and I am preparing myself for what I will do. She is somewhat lucid right now and can have a decent conversation. As we all know, these days/weeks don't last long. My mom usually loses it again after two weeks. I moved her furniture in yesterday (thursday) we are waiting on a piece of new furniture she ordered to come in. She wants to wait, I know this is to stall, but at least we are on the way.
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I agree with Chicago - don't let her harass you by phone every day. My mother did it from the nursing home for 16 months, screaming tantrums every day, until I had a mini stroke and changed my phone number. Her dementia is full blown and I just can't deal with the looney tunes.
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jeweltone, can you afford Assisted Living, for the rest of her life?
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Great news, Jewel.
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So happy for you jewel tone yes do not let her be clingy to you when she makes the one they have to find their own adjustment and trust me from someone who has just gone through the process it's very easy to get sucked in every single day even after they move. I am just now learning to pull back a month and a half later as my mom is still making me nuts but now atleast I go to sleep at night knowing she is not alone at home and so done is there is she needs help. The peace I have when I go to sleep is priceless I wish I could say the adjustment was too but my mom still continues to think she will go home soon and finds every little negative thing. To cling to.
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Great suggestion pst

jewel - woo hoo!!!
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May I suggest you have her MD prescribe an anxiolytic to start the day before the move? It will make a world of difference.
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Good for you - and also, your mom. Now, don't let her cling to you by telephone. She will be fine.
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I have promised updates. My mom is a little more lucid right now and I am acting fast. She went back yesterday with myself and her sister to look at the apartment at AL again. Of course she found negatives (as usual), but she has AGREED to try it. Halleluiah!!! I have called and set up the movers, called and reserved the apartment. Next week, I will be free of the care giving duties that have actually been slowly sucking the life right out of me. My family may actually see a smile back on my face. I know this is not a quick fix, but it is a very good start. Thanks again for the support to do what I have been needing to do for a long time.
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jeweltone, she is playing the guilt card, don't take it. Once she settles in she will have a darn good time with people her own age.
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At this moment, my mom has been lucid for about two to three days. She seems so much like her "old" self. She is still blaming me, as usual, for many things, but actually is agreeing to go revisit the facility. We are supposed to go Wednesday if everything goes well as possible. Tonight I told her I wouldn't get off work til late and so I called her earlier. Backing off from her has been the best thing so far. She is still complaining and negative toward everything, but is more agreeable than she has been so far. She has even agreed to go look for a couch and/or recliner for the apartment. Woo Hoo! I am excited beyond words. I feel much better today than I did a few days ago or even 6 months ago. When I reminded her we were going Wednesday, she said, "well, I don't want to but I know I have to". Once again making me feel like I am doing something wrong. But, I will take it at this point. I will keep you updated. I may be crying again by the weekend when she refuses, but I am keeping my faith she will go.
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I am currently going through this with my mother. She is narcissistic and has dementia and it is so infuriating, and very sad. As a person and as a parent, I do not like her, but wouldn't wish what's happening to her on anyone. I did my best (with the help of my husband) to have 'the talk' and not only got nowhere, but now she doesn't trust me at all, and the rudeness and insults towards me have escalated to the point where I'm now keeping phone calls and visits to the bare minimum.
With my mother's refusal to leave her home, considering our family history (late 80's - into 90's life spans, her mother suffering dementia as well), and the possible expense of possibly a decade of memory care, I am taking the advice to back off, do what I can that's in her best interest while trying not to enable (tough balance to strike, for sure), and wait until something occurs that necessitates her going straight into assisted living.
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Take her to tour some assisted Living Facilities she will see that the smaller ones six beds and under are more like being at home. I administrate two six bed facilities and our residents are family to us and their families are always welcome to come any time. Assisted living can really relieve the tress on the caregiver and improve on your relationship it takes you back to a parent child role and not the role of a caregiver.
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Again, thank you so much. I have prayed, struggled, guilt trips, all the above. My mom told my aunt the other night that all I did was talk about AL and she was tired of it. She told her that I was moving her in without her will. Well, I haven't yet because of my fear/guilt that she puts on me. She tells others that I am wanting to put her away as well. She told my aunt that she better not give POA to any of her kids because they would make bad decisions. My aunt did speak up and ask her what bad decisions has your daughter made for you. My mom changed the subject, she never would answer the question. So there, she knows deep down I have done nothing but do for her even though she will NEVER admit it. After reading your comments, I have taken your advice and pulling back more and more over this week. When I went to wash her hair and do her laundry today she again talked about how lonely she was. We discussed AL again (on her terms) and she agreed she would go back this week and look. One thing on my side is my aunt. My mom has been staying in her mother's home and soon they are going to sell it. Long story but my mom sold almost everything she had before I realized she was sick 3 years ago so now she is at my grandmother's home. My grandmother died a few months ago. Her knowing they will sell the home, she needs somewhere to go. I have told her they won't hold her apartment for long. I am so hoping that my mom will go soon to AL and I can get some rest. I worry so much about her. I hate to admit that I am glad that she is starting to feel lonely because she depends way too much on me. I have always been there and now she sees maybe I won't be. Thanks again for all your advice. I am with all of you about needing to not take it personal. Even my 22 year old daughter tells me I let my mom bother me too much. It is hard when I grew up with her in "charge". I will keep you updated. If this goes through, then I will keep encouraging the rest of you to keep the faith and do what is needed not what your parent wants. They cannot make decisoins on their own, that's why they are in the shape they are.
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GraceH: Yes, of course it varies by state. I thought about that after I posted....figured someone would point it out to me eventually. Fortunately for me it wasn't a lengthy process. I feel for anyone that has to go through all the extra effort.....stressful.
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Care4Mama, the ability to render someone "incompetent" varies by state, in my state you cannot just get a letter from the physician, it has to go to court.
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Yes, start it!
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A POA is in force if you have a letter from parent's physician stating they are no longer able to make health or financial decisions on their own and have been declared incompetent. I have such letter. I spoke to my mom's attorney recently......he has copy of this doctor's letter on file......the POA is in force and I can place my mom anywhere I feel is best for her whether she wants to go or not......she barely knows what day of the week it is, what month or when she last took a shower.......so yeah......she needs assistance.......thank goodness my parents took the time to take care of this paperwork...........I shudder to think what it would be like otherwise........
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I think I'm going to start a new thread what did your lovely but nutty mom do today. lol. Sometimes seeing the humor and being able to laugh even just a tiny bit can really help. Today my Mom decided she needed new luggage so ordered some off of QVC, for when she "leaves this horrid place." I'm on hold now cancelling the order. LOL. What do you all think shall we start a thread?
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Have you looked into a retirement living type setting. The cost is cheeper they supply three meals and transportation. This could be a good transition into AL it has the interaction of others her age but gives her her own living space. It could buy you some time. I remember I had to have a FL2 from Moms doctor to place her in an assisted living therefore we made an appointment to see her doctor whom she loved and he had the talk with her and I and since he suggested it, it went a lot smoother. Another suggestion Ask the AL since you are already paying for it if you can bring her during the day to hang out, get her meals and establish friendships. Ask that they pair her up with a couple of women even give her something to do as refill the sugar packets in the dining hall. Talk to the activity coordinator and see if they can suggest ways to slowly work her way in. Dementia sucks and their ability to rationalize is gone you just have to love them where they are and remember five minutes after something happened they are at another place in their head. The best way to deal with it is educate yourself and quite taking it personally or thinking their doing it on purpose to get your goat (what ever that means). My Mom being a depression kid (1920's) always had to have the cabinets and frig stocked. I too went every time she yelled I finally learned to say I've all ready gone what do you want then if you have it in the house get it and show her half empty or not. You can learn to play the game if it means circling the block a couple of times. God bless and know your not alone.
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"Tough love is a beautiful thing." I love that, msdaisy! There's been a lot of that around here lately.......our parents with dementia just don't understand anymore that we.....most of the time......know what's best for them.......it's sad to watch them progress. My mom is, finally, on a waiting list for a wonderful assisted living center. I feel like I'm counting down the days to the day I "get the call" that AL has room for her.......I've been taking care of mom for two years.......I've just about had it.......so glad everything is lined up.....I look forward to mom getting all the care she needs in AL.....I'm burnt out.........
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Oh dear Lord thank you, every one of you!! You have unknowingly saved my sanity, if not my life with your advice and experiences.
I am 65 and have congestive heart failure; a divorced only child. My mom was living with me for a couple of years before she started really deteriorating physically & mentally.
I brought in caregivers; she fired them. I struggled for another year, frequently called away from work due to some emergency or other. she spent months in bed, only getting up to eat all the sweets she'd smuggled in (she's diabetic), and go to the bathroom. We went through multiple trips by ambulance because she wouldn't use her walker, let her blood sugar get extremely low or high, didn't take her meds, etc.
Finally moved her into a beautiful senior community with multiple levels of care from independent to memory unit. She had a lovely apartment, transportation when needed, more activities than you can count, and the most wonderful staff you can imagine--plus a 4 star chef running the dining room. And we had crisis after crisis, more trips in an ambulance; it seemed like nothing had changed for me and I was exhausted, wracked with guilt and anxiety.
She was back in the hospital just before Christmas and has been in a transitional care facility since. I am on disability because I snapped under the strain. They're about to release her and our primary physician said to put her in a board & care or nursing home and wanted nothing to do with my protests of responsibility or guilt. Until yesterday when I got a call affirming everything all of you have said: the social worker at the nursing home, our doctor, and the assisted living director where she was living have agreed amongst themselves that she has to go into full assisted living for her own sake.
Reading your experiences has lifted the guilt off my heart and, even more important, let me see for the first time that I'm not alone.
Thank you all, and God bless you and fill your lives with the peace and contentment that was taken away.
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LEP I have been told by more than one source that POA does not give you the authority to place them in a home. And you are right about the trust being lost. So we are taking MIL on tours of various local NH/AL facilities, for dinner and social activities. We don't tell her where we are going, we just take her and she has a darn good time.
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If you have the Power of Attorney, you can place her without her consent. But that is my problem too. I don't want to trick her and lose her trust. But I have my own health issues and can't do this much longer. BTW: I have an older brother who contributes nothing in any way. I keep track of when he sees her. He hasn't seen her this year yet.
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Jewel your story could be mine!! Just do it. We tried for the last four or five years to be "nice" about it, suggesting ALF's and touring them and explaining how much nicer it would be for our Mom not to be alone. Did she appreciate it? Abslutely not. She would tell anyone with ears I was the daughter who was trying to "put her away." It hurt beyond words when she would say that but after time I came to realize that what she was using was a manipulating tactic to get me to back off with the suggestion. At home all my Mom did was smoke, sleep, eat once in a while (not regularly) and just complain about everything and anything and accuse me of stealing everything from spoons to jewelery. She was becoming more and more paranoid. Would not let me have a key to her house under any circumstances because according to her, I would sneak it when shes not home and clean her out. Where these accusations came from I had no idea, My Mom knows if ever I needed anythign I would gladly ask and I have never ever asked for a dime, ever. I found myself driving there at all horus of the night when she wouldn't answer the phone in a sheer state of panic and once I even had to scream her name by a window becuase she wasn't hearing the doorbell and she wasn't answering her phone. All this at midnight. Over time it took a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional health. I have sunk myself into such a deep depression I honestly don't know if I'll ever get out. You have to take charge. After several hospitalizations this year due to her not eating right and rotting in her house we finally decided enough. We arranged for an ALF and didnt give her a choice. She is there now and complains constantly, she is totally miserable. I sleep well now knowing that she is not alone and has people there if God forbid she falls and they remind her to eat. She may not like it and its taken me a little while to say this and it may sound cruel but who cares. She didn't care very much all the times I wouldn't sleep in sheer panic if she went out and didnt let me know or if she was mad and chose not to answer the phone. SHe didnt care so much how upset I would make myself with her ridiculous accusations that cut me to the bone. This world doesnt revolve around them although they would love for us to believe that. You need to get her in an ALF and dont feel guilty. Your job is to keep her safe not to be a servant. Tough love is a beautiful thing its not necessarily bad. I know my Mom is in a beautiful place with very nice people and she can do the same things there that she does at home, sleep and eat. THe only difference is now she also has choices. If shes bored she can partake in activities or go out and socialize with others. At home she didnt have that choice. Its a much better environment for her and even though she tries her best to rile me up and upset me, I dont react anymore. I have been reading a book someone here reccomended and its been amazing at helping me understand the illness more. I highly reccomend you read it, the title is Coping with your Difficult Parent a guide for stressed out children. Good luck!!!
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I know your pain. We have the same with my mom (in her 90's). We do what we can, each sibling going for a few hours once a week because we are burned out and she won't listen and is self destructive regardless of what we do. The doctor told us we just have to wait until she has a crisis like a fall or sickness, etc and then move her directly into assisted living. Its painful. I will pray for you.
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This needs to be a reminder to all of us, to make these decisions, while we are healthy and tell our kids what to do. I heard my SIL say recently, "I am going to tell my kids, not to put me in any NH, in IL!" I said "Then, you need to make those arrangements, now and pick a place." She looked at me like I had 2 heads. Adult kids cannot just put Mom somewhere. It doesn't work that way.
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emjo--I will read and reread your post. All of you have been so helpful. I did talk to my mom again last night about going to AL. --only when she brought up how lonely she was. (again, I have been trying to detach and pull back some) I used to call her two to three times a day while at work and when I got home and would try to stop by two or three times a week even with a caregiver there.Then I stayed the nights with her on the weekends (yes, after working all week) Now I am trying to only go to the store and take her groceries and call her when I come in from work. I always try to have an excuse why I cannot come by or call more. It has been difficult. (grant it, I only started this two to three weeks ago). When I called her last night she told me she was very lonely. It tore at my heart, but I didn't let on. I told her I understood and I was sorry but I can't be there like she needs me to be. She asked what she was going to do, and I reminded her of her choices. She did say, "I don't know what to do". I reassured her she would like it and would be able to have a social life and she wouldn't be lonely. I encouraged her the weather would be better next week and I could move in some of her things and she could go and just try it. I told her I would stay with her the first couple days/nights to get her settled in. The conversation went well, even though she didn't agree. Hopefully, today she will still feel the same way. We just never know with someone like "them" how each day will be. That is wrenching on my soul, mind, and body. Not to mention my family. Thanks again for the encouraging words. I will continue to get stronger as I continue to read the encouragement.
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I know you're frustrated, but if she is only 68 years old, she very well could live to be 98. Can she truly afford 30 years of AL rent? The average cost is $39600/year--and that doesn't include everything, add another $10K for other stuff. That is $50k/year for 30 years.....does she happen to have $1,500,000 in her bank account? I am totally serious. I have done the math for my parents. These places are expensive. Count the cost before you leap, or, consult with a Certified Senior Advisor. And consider well that your mom might outlive her assets, in which case, most ALF's will not accept Medicaid, and she will be forced to leave.
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