In my last post I said I leaving. I will post an update later; there have been new developments since. But I would really like an opinion on a situation that I can determine is it was my fault.
My frail father told me in the morning he would be going for lunch at my brothers. I called my brother and said I would take him there anytime my brother wanted. My brother said "It's flexible. No pressure. Anytime Dad wants. Just let me know when he wants to go." My father says 2 pm.. I call my brother and tell him. Well, at about 12:30 my father says he needs to lay down and get a little rest. At 1:30 I go into his room and tell him to get ready but he says he still wants to be in bed for another hour. I call my brother and tell him and he says "What?? I expected for YOU to have Dad up and on the way here!". I told him that my father was not feeling well and that I had told my Dad we needed to be there at 2 pm.. My brother then says "I have given up my life taking care of Dad and I spent all my money for his care. You have contributed very little". So I said "It's not "your money"; it's your wife's money. My brother snapped, cursed at me and hung up.
I felt really bad for saying that to him but he has the nerve to tell me that I should have been over at 2 pm when he said there was no pressure (because of my father's condition), I told my father to get ready. What else was I going to do? Drag him out of bed? I am not going to be bossed around like that!
Also, for him to say he has give his life while he was for many years pleasure travelling and I literally gave up all my free time to be with my father.
Am I thinking correctly here? My life will be changing soon. I will post an update later.
Your dad would be much better off in a facility where neither one of you is in charge of his care and you can just visit occasionally then leave before all hell breaks loose.
Don't the two of you at least care enough about him to do what's best for him?
(And yes, you're wrong. You set a time, so therefore it was no longer flexible. You threw out "it's your wife's money," which was petty and childish. Perhaps your brother and his wife consider it "their" money).
You said in an earlier post on this thread that you want to help your brother and give him a break.
This isn’t a mere ‘break.’ You are doing everything while your brother is traveling.
Forget about what they (brother and dad) said or you said. That’s over and done with. It’s no longer relevant. Focusing on the past will only keep you there. Look forward towards goals that will benefit your life.
What do you want to do now? Focus entirely on that. Then tell your dad and brother what you have decided.
Finally, if you decide to leave and I think that is the best decision, then go ahead and leave all of the decision making to them. You have already told us that they don’t want you to be involved in anything other than catering to their needs. So, do yourself a favor and don’t discuss it with them. Put the monkey on their back and let them deal with it.
Best wishes to you in the upcoming new year. Take this opportunity to make this year about your needs.
Update:
I told my brother that I "might be away" after the new year. I didn't want to be direct in order to not cause a potential scene but my brother saw right through it. He gave me this condescending laugh and said "We'll provide 24 hour care for Dad." As if I'm hurting him by leaving and that's his way of saying that he's not hurt and in control. I discovered that him, his wife and my nephews all were anticipating that I might very well leave. They don't want me to leave because they want to travel for months at a time. So right after I told my brother I guess they had a family meeting and everyone was then treating me so nice but occasionally the insincerity slipped out intentionally to let me know what they think of me.
Then about a week later my father had to be hospitalized for a few days. His condition has worsened and my brother is making plans for assisted living. I have no input into the selection of a place, even though it's my father's insurance that's paying. I can do the laundry. vacuum the house, but no way can I make any decisions for the care of my father. If I speak up I'm bullied and told that my father gave my brother the power of attorney and my brother is in total control.
I was planning on moving to the UK for 6 months (US citizens can stay that long on an automatic tourist visa). I had a place all set to rent (rents about the same as the US) then I discovered that the violent crime, random violent crime, there seems far worse then the US. I was reading the local newspapers and there are so many terrible stories like every day, in small towns, too. The polite, safe England of the past seems not to exist today! So I have put this off for the time being and am taking it day by day until my father is situated or I snap and find my self on a plane to anywhere!
I doubt that you will ever move on, you like the drama, so just stay put and stop complaining.
I like others wish you the best, over & out!
Please stop running interference for your dad. If dad wants to see his son for lunch dad needs to call and make the arrangements. Same with calling to cancel if he is not up to going. If he is too weak to do either of these things then he doesnt see your brother and that's the end of it.
While your brother may have traveled etc he still gave up a lot to care for dad. Your dad is like a spoiled selfish child and that is you and your brothers fault for catering to all of his whims for a long time.
Your brother bore the brunt of it since dad lived near him.
I say this because my grandma lived with my parents for 20 years and even though they took vacations and grandma was still self sufficient it still had a lot of negative impacts in the household and was stressful for all 3 of them in different ways.
As for brothers wife paying for dads care I can imagine your brother pretty much forced her to do it once he realized his income could not support dad in the lifestyle he demanded. I am sure she has resentment in part for that too. So stress in the marriage from money issues alone is an issue.
Spend time with dad but stop being a go between for dads activities with brother. Sometimes you just have to let things rest and try and make things easier for brother not dad at this point.
You have come on here for far too long with often quite ridiculous problems or issues that have wasted all of our time, and you never seem to take anyone's advice.
I personally believe that you like the drama and actually thrive on it as it gives you some kind of a high or something, and you enjoy sucking others into it.
As for me, I'm done responding to anymore of your posts.
Please get a life!
Oh and I forgot to answer your question, no you are never thinking correctly.
Read a wonderful poem by Safire Rose: "She Let Go" at Safire-Rose.com
Your Dad needs to be in care. If Dad does not have the money, then Medicaid is applied for and he goes into LTC. Its no more what Dad wants, its what he needs. Its not worth what you and your brother are putting yourselves thru.
I don't understand why you are the chauffeur for a meal to which you are not invited. Why didn't your brother do the transporting of your father? Why did you even insert yourself into the situation at all?
I just posted the update.
Dad needs to be in a facility where visitors can come to him and he can withdraw when he gets tired, rather than him having to be shlepped all over to have visits and get dinner.
Thanks for the good laugh. I needed that. It's come to that - to transport my father is "schlepping" him. Soon he will be in assisted living and I'll be living a new life.