Help, I just can't do it anymore. Am I a terrible person? It has been almost a year since her broken hip, then the lung infection and no. Today my sister (thank God) took my Mom to the Dr. and she has to have a bunch of injections in her eye to keep her from going blind. I can't spell the disorder. Of course this is another thing she was suppose to see the Dr. about a few months ago but she put it off. I don't know if seeing him earlier would have helped or not.
I cant start this all over again with my Mom.
I have to go to the cardiologist Monday b/c I saw my primary care Dr. and I had an abnormal EKG. Stress? I don't know. Plus found out today my ex got arrested for DUI and a few other things. I will die if he dumps that on my son. My son's dog had surgery today and made it thru OK (sounds dumb but I love her). My Mom's treatment starts with injections and she can not lift her head up other than 15 minutes every hour for two days. I sound selfish don't I ? Just too much so I just needed to vent.
This is the first opportunity I have had to write on the Sun in fact I didn't even know this site existed but it seems like quite a blessing the one thing that I would like to make sure it's there always take care of yourself as a caregiver I learned in a very difficult way I took my savings and move back to my hometown where my mother was living alone and 92 years old I'm an only child unmarried and have no children of my own but I figured I used to run my own little one-man business I could take care of my mother she is always taking care of me. I begin doing a very good job taking care of my mom however the one thing that I did not take care of with myself. After I began taking care of my mother about two years into it my health began to fail and I became ill I never took time for myself I just didn't have the time to do it sometimes you see that you can if your mom wakes up that's definitely 24/7 sorry I don't mean to be complaining I guess I am relieving a little stressed just to tell my story. A person came into my mother's life before I returned to take care of her.
When I was placed in a recovery facility my mother was given a guardian and conservator by the city. My power of attorney durable and medical were both taken from me and I was advised that it would be reconsidered that my mother and I could be living together without assistance when my time was completed. I stayed for approximately 8 months much longer than what was required because the type of alcoholism I had was not going out but only going to a quiet place in the house and taking the ship but it was continuously in the time I get frustrated even have a drink and that is almost killed me. Now I have moved into a retirement community with an extra bedroom for Mom it's very nice three meals a day everything that we might need and I am now retired early. No the account or property has been put in my name because I am the sole beneficiary and my parents were afraid that if I ever married without children and got divorced then I might lose my inheritance half of it. I'm not sure if that was the right choice maybe at the time but for now the city appointed Guardian and conservator have complete control of Mom's finances because she has Alzheimer's early stages and has been placed in a facility that is over medicated just because her mental deterioration has mainly effected her short term memory and really sensitive we love each other very much because we are all we have. I do agree memory of how she cared for me when I was a baby and growing up sometimes helps. Now that I have a place for Mom and I have spent one year being sober and taking care of myself it is being calm very frustrating because the court appointed guardian and conservator are fighting me and not allowing my mom and I to live together at 96 she only takes two aspirin a day changes yourself treat yourself each special and really has no special needs other than knowing she can't live alone now I don't know what to do.
If this actually gets posted I hope so I don't know I didn't see it answers but I'll try it. I'm not sure how to see if someone answers me but I do feel better talking to maybe another only single child caring for my mom.
On the flying always put on your oxygen mask first so you can take care of whoever you're caring for. That is by far one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received should have known before I thought I was all that and a bag of chips but at least it was full of love.
Sumview
Now 8 cats means a lot of litter box duties if they are indoor critters - wear gloves and be careful with that too! Cats can be awesome and I bet they have eight different personalities, but darn, that's a lot of cats. I've never had more than five at one time but I remember each and every one. We are probably taking care of our last one now - older and ill, and not the most affectionate, but he has his charms. I'm pretty bittersweet about it. I miss our last one who was one spry old lady right up to her last couple of days, and would basically climb up and give you a back massage if you laid down in the right position on the couch.
PS I recommend Facebook for socializing - see if you can teach Mom to take cute cat pictures and post them. The last time in my life I was totally overwhelmed and no non-working daylight hours for any collegial contact let alone any social outlet, I was turned on to listservs and made some lifelong friends that way, but Facebook has put me in touch with long-lost high school friends and cousins all over the country. Cute cat pix will get you lots of friends and likes on there.
but I have to call 911 on a regular basis when she has low blood sugars. Its very
stress provoking during those times. My only sibling lives over a thousand miles
a way, and my adult children all live 30 minutes to an hour away. I have no outlet, no social life and I feel like I'm losing my mind. To top it off, I'm not eating
anymore, just lost my appetite. My mother, however has more energy than me,
in fact she has an obsession with cats, she has eight of them, which doesn't help
things any. I'm finding it difficult to live with all these cats, but I have no where else to go, and I wouldn't leave her anyway. I lost my husband a year ago due
to respiratory failure, and he was my anchor. Without him, its hard to go on and
face all the daily issues on my own. But I do have hope after reading all these posts.
I feel so guilty about taking my and brother their files while knowing they can't handle them...........but 'I can't do it anymore'. With all the stress over the years as well as my husband and myself's medical problems; I have been diagnosed with Poly-Myalgia Rheumatica, I have days I can't get out of bed. My doc says I have to get out from under so much stress.......and just how do I do that. The only answer I can come up with is to tell my mother and brother that 'I can't do it anymore'. In fact my husband is pushing me make them find someone else to help them out. Every day I give to my mother and brother takes from my home and my disabled husband...........he is to the point 'he can't take it anymore'. He sees the stress I under daily and demands I make them find someone else to help them out.
It feels so good to be able to vent to others that understand where I am and reading other's post helps me have the grit to do one of the hardest thing I have had to do in my life time.........I feel like I am turning my back on them, but 'I can't do it anymore'! As soon as Christmas and New Years is over, I think I now have the strength to do what I have to do, that is to tell them 'I can't do it any more'. My health and marriage of 32 years are both a risk, please say a prayer for me to be able to do this without causing them and me too much emotional pain!
As a mom of two kidney transplant recipients, I strongly suggest that you must leave your mom in the nursing home if she qualifies for medicaid to pay her expenses there. Tell your mom this is how it has to be. You must look after your own health, you know how dangerous it is for you to become run down and immune suppressed. She must stay there, don't offer her a choice. Be firm and take care of yourself. More than anything, I would want my children's health needs to come before mine. Take care, be strong.
I am the care giver for my 79 year old mom. She moved in with us 5 years ago when my brother died. At first she was able to pretty much take care of herself but after one year she fell I'll and it left her very weak and she needed extra help so we got a provider to come in daily. Now, she falls a lot and is incontinent and I am not able to lift her or clean up any "messes" due to a compromised immune system.( kidney transplant patient). My mom got sick a couple of weeks ago and to recover has been taken to a nursing home for rehab. They called and told me to apply for Medicaid for her because she needs custodial care. I feel like this is a mixed blessing because she doesn't want to be in a nursing home but I cannot care for her and she needs 24 hour care. I feel I have done my best for her the last 5 years but I am not sure if she will stay there because she is against it and I do not have POA. If her doctor says she needs custodial care, would she have to stay there if I cannot care for her? God Bless all of you care givers...I know in my mom's case she has a way of making me feel guilty and I know it is hard to stay strong! Thanks for letting me ramble!
But the guilt? No, I don't think that is appropriate. Even if you made a "wrong decision" (and there was some objective way to evaluate that), you did not make an evil decision. You did not deliberately act to bring harm to someone else. I'm a big proponent of guilt, and I'd like to hand some out to people who don't seem to have enough, but I don't think you'd make my list. :) Keep your grief until you are ready to let go of it. But please, please give up the guilt. You didn't earn it and you don't deserve it.
Condolences on the death of your mother.
Now - one more thing to think about, namely this: She was 93 and in poor health. She might have lived longer, shorter, or the same if she had stayed with you in the best of circusmtances. THEN, you could have ended up feeling guilty that she might have done better or gone on longer in a care facility.
My mom is also in skilled nursing and just moved to hospice..I am going through whether to try to bring her home with all the help we could get and feeling the guilt of the little voice inside that says "Why is she not living with you?" There are reasons and answers to that which I won't go into right now, but I can't help admitting its a good question. Every single decision I've had to make has been hard and wracked with guilt over not having made the other one, even the ones that turned out to have been absolutely dead on. My son who I shared this with yesterday says its not logical and that if you made the decisions the way you did because you loved her they are right. I still say you could be loving but make the wrong decision, and of course be forgiven...so I guess a little angst is normal if you actually care about someone. And maybe a lot of angst is normal too. And maybe, if you had to balance your needs and other needs you take care of so that "what's best for mom" could not remain your one and only priority, that makes it harder yet...but I also don't think either your mom or mine would want to destroy and ruin our lives, if they understood that's what they were doing to us, after all the time and effort they put into raising us and giving us a future.
Also, if you have an Area Agency on Aging in your community, please contact them. You can go to www.n4a.org and type in your Zip code. These people are amazing. I wish every community were covered. Many are, however, so try them. You need to do something for yourself.
Carol
I stubbed my toe today and ripped the nail off, running because I heard a crash in my mom's room, trying to get to her. Mindfulness goes and I get covered with bruises and wounds. We must take care of ourselves.
Best to you. Hope all is well with your son and your dog. Hey, it isn't dumb to love your dog. If I didn't have my dog now I would be so lonely. What you are doing is so hard.
Some members of my family have to take the Lucentis shots for macular degeneration. No I doubt if putting it off hurt that much. The shots can only maintain her vision - not restore it.
I wonder if this is something that your mother wants? Some older people want to manage their illness and then some want to back off and not deal with the doctors. This is called Palliative Care and the Hospice provides it. I'm asking because my mother ( who wants to just die anyway) is saying that she wants to stop going to the doctor so much, and I guess it depends on the age of the person. Some people will do anything to keep their health as good as possible and then some get tired of dealing with it and want to let nature take its course.
God Bless you
Thanks much. What a sad world it would be if we couldn't say the Lord if we wanted to, that is very approprate for me!
I think you are being much too hard on yourself too and expecting too much of yourself. Even the Lord went away to rest sometimes. I don't know if that comment is appropriate on this site. I didn't mean to offend.
But I am concerned about you. Do take care of you... so you can gain your
strength back. Bless you, Dear Lady :-)
22 years. He is legally blind from a heriditary eye disease. Mom has suffered with alzheimer's now for almost ten years and he kept her and took care of her until last year when he was so stressed out he couldn't do it anymore and he finally put her in a nursing home. He is there every day and I am there most evenings. It's hard taking care of her even in a nursing home. Both of us have a hard time lifting her to put her on the commode (at the nursing home) and sitting her back in her wheel chair and dressing and putting her to bed. The nursing home is always short handed and new aides are hired and only last a couple of months and then a new group is hired. They have such a big turnover. Hope you are feeling better now.