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I cared for my mother (dementia) until she passed last year. I am still caring for my dad (Parkinson's) and my husband (dementia). I am past the breaking point. I feel trapped. My husband's SS pays our monthly mortgage and my dad pays our bills. If I put my husband in a nursing home, my dad and I will be without a place to live. My husband is growing increasingly difficult and doing things that frustrate me beyond words. This morning I found that he had taken a knife to one of our night-stands. I asked him what happened and he said, "I had to get something off of it." Then, as I was using the bathroom sink, I noticed it was stopped up - he has stuffed food and paper down the drain and in the overflow hole. I could go on and on, but what's the point? I'm dealing with an irrational mind and I need advice. Thank you for listening......

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I want to suggest this gently, and with love, as a fellow believer in God and his help… You said in your profile, “I gladly chose to care for my family as I believe that is what God would have me to do.” Consider that God also wants to help *you* to do this. Caring for your family doesn’t mean you have to shut the doors to all other helpers to struggle alone with too great a load. Have you considered that God’s helpers are waiting for you and your loved ones at that nursing home or assisted living? Try not to let pride in the idea of doing it all alone by yourself stand in the way of accepting the help that is waiting for you and your loved ones.
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dlpandjep Jul 14, 2021
Bless you. I am realizing this. For years, people advised me to leave my abusive husband, but I felt I was obligated to stay. I've changed my mind. A person cannot serve God and share His love if they are living in turmoil. Now I'm caring for this man and it has led to resentment and bitterness. At 67, I'm asking myself just what's ahead for me and I don't like what I see. I am not prideful, I always trusted people to do the right thing - especially when it's a spouse. Geez, how can anyone be so naive? (Or however it's spelled)
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No, if you put your husband into a care facility you will not be left homeless with nowhere to live. You will have to move somewhere else. Like an apartment. You can put your father into a care facility too.
You know already that the assets like the land, insurance policies, and anything else will have to be spent to pay for your husband's care.
Only half of their value. You are entitled to half the proceeds from the sale of your home and the parcel of land the two of you own. You will be able to keep half the value of any asset that you and your husband own jointly. Medicaid will also have to leave you a portion of your husband's social security.
You have options. The only choice is NOT single-handedly do all the care for two people with varying types of dementia 24-hours a day until it kills you, or else you'll be homeless. You have another choice.
Downsize and move into a senior community (some are 55 and older) and they base the rent paid every month on a person's income. Many of these places also include the utilities with the rent.
Check out a few places for yourself. You deserve to have some kind of a life that isn't just the drudgery of caregiving.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 18, 2021
Yup, 'the drudgery of caregiving' does say it all - or certainly most of it. Please look in the mirror before saying that other people are 'awful' (in caps).
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Why do you believe you will be left homeless?

Medicaid has a spousal impoverishment clause that will allow you to remain in your home.

Consult a certified eldercare attorney asap.
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dlpandjep Jul 14, 2021
Why is it that whenever i reply to a comment, there is a blank - or partial reply at first? What am I doing wrong?
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I read the comments written so far and I have great empathy for you and others in the same situation. I too realize that if my husband's income is taken to care for him elsewhere that I can't live on my social security. Yes, I can stay in the house.
I called Social Services where I live and a social worker helped me understand that certain assets would be used first to pay for his care. Example-our whole life insurance and a small piece of land that is part of our home (back yard area we bought after building our home).

The social worker said they have a way of using part of his money to assist with household expenses. The 2nd thing I have done recently was to ask for help from my doctor (thru Medicare) to care for my husband as the disease has progressed. They sent a nurse 3 times, an aide 2x a week for 3 weeks, and a therapist who helped us both. I don't qualify again for this service until my assets are liquidated - or I can pay for them from the assets.

I have used part of the assets to complete handicap areas in our homes along with repairs to the home. What I write now is very personal to me. Many might have negative responses to this - so if you are one of them - please refrain from raining on my parade.

Faith is something one cannot inherit or borrow. You own it for yourself. I have grown close to my Heavenly Father during this journey and I realize I cannot do this in my own strength. Knowing that He will walk with me through these tough days ahead is very comforting.

The therapist suggested I find friends who can be helpful as my husband and I journey through this valley. I have found support through Aging Care, there is an app for AZ, there are many groups you can call with prayer requests, etc. I have three friends I can talk to on the phone and they do come by occasionally to visit.

The most important thing is to be safe. I have safety locks ready to put on drawers and cabinets, I have removed firearms and anything else that I feel could be a threat. I have alarms on the doors, motion lights for the bedroom and bath. I work closely with our PC doctor and there is medication that can be prescribed to calm patients with. I also have a standing prescription for myself should I need to take to calm myself down.

Cross your arms (like an X) over your chest. Squeeze your hands on your arms, and picture something soft and cuddly. Take in a deep breath, hold it in, then slowly release the air. Smile. That's all of us giving you hugs. Stay safe, and make those calls.
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MargaretMcKen Jul 18, 2021
Thank you for a lovely post. Whatever our religious beliefs, anything that gives us strength and consolation is a great help.

I do hope (and usually I think it’s true) that many people just don’t like the religious comments (orders?) along the lines of ‘the Bible says that you have an obligation’…. ‘Faith will solve all your problems’…. 'I promise you' ... 'I guarantee'.... Etc etc.

No-one with any sense would condemn you for taking personal comfort in a belief that helps and does not harm. Very best wishes, Margaret
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My stress has turned to anger also, then I feel bad, and I have decided that my wife doesn't even remember that I got angry, so now do not feel bad about letting my anger out. *it is only yelling once in a while, I used to feel bad but I don't anymore I don't stress myself out over it. She has started to put things like pictures, pieces of food, etc in her depends and when I ask her why she tells me so she does not lose it. All day long she wants to go home, wants to go out, but she is disabled and it is very difficult to get her out, and frankly I do not want to go out. There is no ryhme or reason to what they do. I guess we just have to feel trapped, and try to do the best we can? I am sorry you are in the situation you are in and all I can do is send positive thoughts for your well being. Let's eat well, take care of ourselves the best we can, enjoy simple things of live like the sunshine, the rain, the wind. I do not know what else, to do, and actually I do not know what to do. I do not know you, but I am thinking of you.
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CarynAnn Jul 18, 2021
Dear Ellwood970. What a beautiful response. I know what you mean about the yelling once in a while to let the anger out. We're all human. And we do have to try to take care of ourselves and appreciate the simple things. Thinking of all you and the rest of the folks on this forum and wishing us all some peace, love, and tranquility. We are all doing the best we know how.
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On the practical side, having read your other comments, call your county courthouse and ask to talk to someone there about what to do. If it is like my home county (small and rural) they do have a person to help, maybe just with advice but also maybe with actual helping and doing.
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Why would you lose your place to live if you put your husband in a nursing home? Please see a Medicaid attorney so you know the facts. There are so, so many untruths that are put forward (on this forum, too) that are simply NOT the case. Seek legal advice from a Medicaid attorney (NOT an Elder Law Attorney -- big difference) TODAY so you can be informed of what your rights are and your right to live in your home even if husband is in nursing home, please.
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wolflover451 Jul 18, 2021
good advise, however we got an Elder care attorney when our parents needed it and he WAS up-to-date with Medicaid information as well, so I guess it depends on who you get. But our Elder attorney was ranked the highest in PA and he is very good.
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When my mother required nursing home care and ran out of money Medicaid paid for her care. This in no way left my father without a home or without money. That’s just not how it works. My dad was only required to sell one car, other than that his finances didn’t change. When you’re as burned out as you are, no judgment, it happens to most people, you’re not good anymore as a caregiver and need to make a change. Please consult an elder care attorney, it’s often less expensive than you might think, and together come up with a new plan
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dlpandjep Jul 14, 2021
You're so right! People are noticing a change in me. I am not the happy person I once was. I know there are plenty of caregivers out there who've been at it a lot longer than I and they haven't become angry. But then, I doubt that they've endured the emotional abuse that I have......

Thank you for commenting. 🤍
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Bless you, you are carrying a heavy load. You really do need to get your abusive husband out of the home for your sake and your father's sake.

The biggest fear I had when my parents 1st entered independent living (IL) was that dad would need SNC and mom would be left destitute. They moved to assisted living (AL) because of dad's falls. At 91 he had medical issues pop up on top of his dementias. We got him on hospice but a few weeks later he was too weak to stay in AL and off to SN he went. However, after getting dad on medicaid it was found mom would have enough money to continue to live in AL - actually today she just moved back to IL.

So if you need to get him into SNC but make sure to call 911 if he becomes abusive. You need to take care of yourself, because if you don't take care of yourself you won't be any good to your dad. In the short term see what resources are available to your husband and father for some in-home assistance.

I pray you are blessed with peace, grace and love.
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I understand. You cannot bear everything. Do you know anyone, like a friend or relative who can man the house for a few hours so you can exercise, get a massage, do anything to relieve the stress? You can also contact Medicaid and ask if you can be paid for your caretaking
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