Stress!!!!

What stage has your mother's heart disease got to? It's vascular dementia she's mainly affected by, is it?

Her abilities and her mood might well rocket around all over the place. We have one client currently, a lady I remembered from over a year ago when she was last with our service, and at the tea call (early evening) she not only seemed fine but she accurately remembered *me* - probably from my voice, because I'm "not from round here" and sound very different from my colleagues. She came into the kitchen, engaged efficiently in preparing her own meal, showed me where everything was, I really didn't see that there'd been much change in her condition. When I went back 3 or 4 hours later to help her get ready for bed... oh brother. Different story. Completely barking, and quite hostile with it until I succeeded in reassuring and reorienting her - which took nearly two hours and included calling her daughter on my cellphone and asking her to telephone her mother to clarify the short term plans for that week. Once she'd had a snack, and a chat with daughter, and we'd sat quietly for a bit, she was then able to come upstairs, go to the loo, clean her teeth, get changed and get into bed.

My personal theory is that *in addition* to dementia there is also a big effect from dropping energy levels and rising fatigue. People seem to do better if routines are kept short and sweet, and they rest properly at intervals throughout the day. If your mother plays you up more, that could well be because you are more familiar and more trustworthy to her and she's leaning on you to sort out the muddle that's going on in her head.

Keep your visits short, and time them for when her physical "batteries" are likely to be fully charged. If you feel she's "pulling your chain" you need to give her a kiss and leave for a prior engagement as soon as possible - because in that case you're probably not the only one who's stressed. I hope the CNAs are backing off and not forcing her through tasks when this happens?

My Mom was in her last stage when I placed her. It took so much off my shoulders. Medicaid paid for her care. The NH was her payee for SS and her pension. The NH did her laundry. All I had to do was visit and that was not every day.

They become like small children. Intentional, I don't think so. Its whatever is fluttering thru their mind at the time. They have lost their filter. They no longer have empathy. They have no idea that they have hurt your feelings. You have to learn to let it run off your back. I know, it hurts, but this is a broken mind. A dying mind.

You do not have to visit every day. When you do, you don't have to stay more than a half hour or hour. At Moms NH I stayed a little longer because a woman I knew was sitting with her husband all day. So we would sit and talk with Mom and the husband nearby. He had a stroke and was non-verbal. Your Mom is safe and cared for. Take advantage of the time you have to yourself.

I was a little OCD when it came to Mom. My brother said I was my own worst enemy.

Obviously the CNA hasn't been properly trained in Alzheimer's/dementia, because if he/she was they would never say such a thing. Your moms brain is broken, and it will never get better, only worse. It's a shame that the nursing home your mom is in, doesn't have better trained CNA's in Alzheimer's/dementia. You may want to make the head staff aware of this area of opportunity.
You may also want to better educate yourself as well. Like mentioned below, Teepa Snow has some great videos on YouTube about Alzheimer's/dementia, and the book The 36 Hour Day is a great resource as well. Once you have a better understanding of the disease your mom is suffering from, it will help you better deal with her on a daily basis, and hopefully reduce your stress as well. Wishing you the best.

How long has she had it? In the first few yrs my mother had it I thought she chose it & used it at will sometimes. My kids thought so too. She even learned new things during dementia such as how to unlock a chain lock, flip lock, deadbolt, door lock etc. She watched & learned which shocked me. But even so, she kept slipping deeper into the dementia & it did overcome her. We are at year 10 now. I tried.a nursing home for her at year 3, she was too “with it” & too active. They kept her drugged up & as her POA even the doctor didn’t tell me about the medications he was approving. I got her out after 2 months, she had been calling me over 70x a day. Hiring 24/7 health aides in her old house for the next 5 yrs was the answer. She had more freedom & yes her personality was still there. Even at 10 yrs there are small signs she’s still in there. Hang in there, it’s real & your mother needs you.

Anyone who knows exactly why a dementia patient acts the way they do needs more training. You don't cite any specifics so it's hard to provide a helpful answer. Remember, dementia means loss of brain function, so however one acts or what one might say is most likely not under their control.

I hate when people think someone with dementia is doing things intentionally to annoy you. That's disrespecting the reality of the illness and your mom. Get new CNAs.

What does she hope to gain by pulling your chain and knowing exactly what she's doing? She's now in a nursing home, so... ? Dementia behaviors are bizarre. I found Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to be very helpful in understanding dementia, how it changes our LOs and how to better engage with them.

Lostinva,

I believe that our parents know exactly how to make us crazy and they never lose that ability or desire until they are far into dementia, if even then.

It is totally up to you how much time and head space you give her. You know that she is being taken care of, so you don't have to visit her frequently. I would start cutting back on visits if she is being difficult with you. You deserve to have some peace and rest, if she is robbing you of these things it is time for a reset.

I haven't met your Mother of course!

If I met her would I find a lady, mostly polite with staff. Moods varying between acceptance, sullen, angry at being 'locked up'?

Varying between grateful to see her daughter, emotional & teary, fearful of the future sometimes, then angry at her daughter for 'putting her in an asylum".

This is an actual lady I met this week. Her daughters were hugged, snarled at, kissed & sworn at.

That lady's mood swings went from such anger, ready to throw her breakfast at the next person who suggested eating to gazing wonderously at the passing clouds out the window & their beauty. It was believed she had been suffering small strokes & this could be called *emotional lability*.

This is more emotional mood swings but I believe cognition & memory can swing around too, depending on what brain connections are working.

I picture a brain with faulty wiring & the lights flashing on & off.

I can’t say that your mom knows what she is doing if she has dementia. I am not a medical doctor and I don’t know your mom. I will say that I am so very sorry that her behavior is so stressful for you.

How often do you see her? Are you satisfied with her staff? Tell us a bit more please.

Others will offer suggestions regarding their experiences with dementia. My mom recently died with end stage Parkinson’s disease. She only had slight dementia towards the end of her life.