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My mother is 86 years old and she is getting harder to take care of. I do not know how to deal with this. please give me suggestions. Thank you

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Please try to remember that is the disease that's attacking you, not your mother. My mother got very abusive in the end. She went off on everybody that took care of her.We learned from police and hospice nurses that you must leave the room for her protection and ours. It allowed her to switch gears and calm down. She passed on in Sept. I already remember the calm times we were able to laugh at the tv or go out to eat much more than the bad times.

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Well, the joy from yesterday was short lived. My mom is at it again. She has not had anything to eat but she does not want me to fix anything for her. She needs to walk everyday but she will not. She was fine this morning but now she is back to saying cruel things to me. She brings up my past. She has been awlful. I am trying to let it roll off my back but sometimes it sticks.
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Thank you for "leaving the light on" for me. I think I can see my way now.
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Lavender walk along with us and you will find a way to take back your power-even little baby steps are good when you first assert yourself and the sky does not fall-you move on to bigger things and then the day comes when you are a KAW. I use to be a little mouse -now watch me roar when action is called for.
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Oh wow. I love that! " We'll leave the light on for ya... Got me kinda teary. That sums up what this site is about! :))))))
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Way to go Lavender... you hang in there and read some of Survived2's thread..... it shows you what you CAN do.... no abuse..... help with respite, and new friends that truly understand..... sending you the caregivers surval kit... love, hugs, angels and chocolate... and very happy to hear NO ONE gets your sobriety.... mine either.... so hang in there and as Jam on the YOU thread says, 'we'll leave the light on for ya'.... lots of hugs....
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I have finally got her to bed. All of you have helped today and I appreciate it. I will try the things you have said. No, I will not give away my sobriety to anyone. I even went to a pub to watch a football game last weekend because my mom was acting up. I have a couple of friends that are supportive. I now feel that I have some new friends that will help through this. God must have answered my prayers as my brother and his wife are taking my mom out to eat tomorrow. It has been a long day but now I have new hope for tomorrow. God Bless all of you.
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Lavender, please listen to these women. I too was caregiver for two years in my home for my mother who was verbally abusive. So far the the three women who have answered walked me and my husband and 2 daughters into the life we had before moving her into our home. I can tell you first hand it was so hard for me to tell everything. I was embarrassed and ashamed. Right back where I left off in my childhood. Jeanne, Austin and ladee are members of the KAW! (kick ass women) there are many more who I'm sure will be posting. Let us all hear your voice. We are here for you! Abuse is never acceptable.
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Does your mother get SS or a pension? Does she have assets? Have you looked into applying for Medicaid for her? Call your county's Social Service department and ask for an intake assessment. Those folks are very familiar with community resources in addition to county programs. For example, they put me in touch with a volunteer program of people who would come and visit with the loved one while I went out for a few hours each week.

Please do not say "we can't afford it" until you have turned over EVERY possible stone and looked at all resources.
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Lavender, I also have almost 28 yrs clean and sober. So I really do understand what you are feeling, but you have some tools that others do not.... you know you are powerless over HER, the insanity is expecting her to change, take your troubles to God, vent on here, make some ammends to yourself for allowing it.... and find some way to get some space... have you called your Area on Aging and seeing what they provide, ( I am tired tonight, did I say that right?)

And it's a waste of time an energy to stay upset with your bro.... is there a possiblity he would send you some money for some help...? If not, then you, like so many here, have to FIND a way..... Is there a Senior Center in your town that she could go to for a few hours??? There's a way to get a break.... if for only a few minutes at a time..... none of this is easy, but you know what the resentment will get you... don't give your power away like that.... find a way...... sending you hugs.... and prayers...
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My late husband only treated me badly but I did learn to detach by leaving the room and when he was in rehab or in the hospital I would leave the facility. My mother died a few weeks ago and I was able to tell myself when her behaivor was bad that her opinion of me was not important to me and she was wrong with the things she said and her opinion of me was wrong. It takes practice but does get easier-if you can at least leave the room for a brief time-it does help.
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I do appreciate your thoughful answers. I am her only caregiver. My brother lives 50 miles away but it might as well be 1000 miles away. He does not call or come to visit that much. She is very needy but she always has been. She has always been very controlling and now she is controlling my life with her meaness. She is not like this with anyone but me. Then the next minute she says that she would be dead if I was not here. We do not have the money afford someone to come and t ake some of the burden away from me. If only my brother would step up. When she acts up with he gets up and storms out of the house because he can. I have n recovery from alcohol abuse for 21 years and resentments are the worse thiing for me. My friends tell me I need help to deal with her and they are right.
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I agree about leaving the room when the abuse starts. But the complicating factor here is dementia. How much of Mother's behavior can she control? How safe is it to leave her when she is irrationally angry?

Lavender, the real "solution" here is to arrange adequate respite. You MUST get away from this situation regularly.

What is Mother's financial situation?
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lavender, you are asking a question that many of us ask. I don't know why older people can get so mean and why they take it out on the person closest to them. Other people often say that the person is just old and is losing control, so is mad. If it goes on all the time, though, it is hard to live with.

One thing that works for me is to tell my mother it isn't working out and I am going to have to leave. She knows she can't make it without me, so gets really sweet for a while. Finally the fangs reappear, though.

This evening I had a sobering thought. I am 60 now, so am looking at the last 20 good years of my life. I've been taking care of my mother and father for the past three years, while my own life has dwindled to meaningless. Many of us are in the same boat, giving up far too much to people who are awful to us. We shouldn't have to put up with it, because our lives are as important as theirs. (Really, what would people think if we treated our parents as badly as they treat us? Yet we are people, too.)
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Lavender, you may not be able to stop what she is doing and saying, but you do not have to be abused for any reason by anyone... when you see she is going to get started, excuse yourself and leave the room immediatly.... you may choose to say something like, " I'll come back and listen when you calm down' or whatever it is she's doing, raising her voice, ect.... she is NOT going to like it... but it really doesn't matter if she likes it or not.... the only one that can not stand there and listen to it, is you... go outside for a few minutes if you have no where to go in your house..... she is going to blow a gasket, but better her than you... I don't mean for that to sound ugly, but if you are doing nothing to recieve abuse, then you dont have to listen to it.... tell us more about your situation and we may be able to add more suggestions.... she is not going to change, but YOU can change how you handle this..... no one deserves to be abused..... so let us know how we can help.... many hear have this same situation, and I'm sure will have other suggestions.... sending you prayers for strength and an open mind to receive the suggestions posted....
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