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My mom was recently placed in a skilled nursing facility and my dad has very severe COPD. My sister and I were appointed co-POA and co-executors. She was chosen to handle their care and I was chosen to handle business matters. We are in the process of emptying their house and putting the home on the market. I am working with my dad on how to do all this. I have talked with realtors and auctioneers and have not yet exhausted all possibilities. Each time something new comes up I have gone to my sisters house to talk everything over with dad in her home and in her family's presence. They say nothing to me and my dad is so grateful for my help. Every move I have made in this is done while thinking of the best for my dad and my 4 sisters (3 out of town) and their families. My sisters family who is caring for dad jump into everything I have tried to do and make decisions when I am not present. They have talks with dad all day long everyday about all this and have so much influence over him because he forgets what he has been told or is confuses it all. He is constantly praising them and telling me what wonderful people they are and doesn't know how hard I have worked with little help to get the house cleaned up and ready and working to get it sold. My sister does not tell me her thoughts on any subject but runs to her family and that keeps them in the middle of it all. She can't make a decision on her own. She won't work with me. They don't work with me. They tell her what to do and when they see something needs to be done they run and do it without discussing anything with me. They don't like information I give dad and run to work on it themselves in their own way without telling me while I am still working with what I have started. I am so fed up with them and don't know how to stop them from crossing all my boundaries without even thinking of me. I have had this going on since January and I get nowhere with them when I try to talk to them about my situation. My sister and her military family do not listen to me and go on with all this like I don't exist and they are in charge of everything. They do exactly what they want and always have. I am at such a loss. I have worked with 2 counselors, the nursing home directors and my doctor and all of them have told me their behavior is appalling. They have told me to tell them what I am going to do and stand my ground. How on earth do I do that when they are so selfish and undisciplined and still do just what they want? This is killing me because I don't know how long my dad will be around. I want nothing to do with that family but in order for me to see him I have to go to their home. I am so angry right now that I can't think straight. He is my father........not my father-in-law or my grandfather. Where is my place in this? What does POA mean to a family that cares only about themselves doesn't care one bit about me? I have no leverage to keep my place in this. Is there something a attorney can do to help me?

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For your own health it may be best just to walk away and get on with your life. This has nothing but ugly written all over it. If your sister had a backbone she would have left a long time ago and not allowed her life to be so controlled by others. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this but it is best to take care of yourself first.
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Thanks for the input. It helps when others understand. I have worked and worked to help my sister understand what all this is doing to me. She is very introverted and her family are her voice and strength. She told me right from the start that she is so scared about the business part and doesn't want to do any of it. She wants the hands on care part. I love the business....don't like this reason, but thrive on the challenge of business stuff. We both agreed before all this began that we were suited for those parts. The problem with this is that she can't tell anyone how she feels about anything. She can't say if she agrees or disagrees and turns to her husband and 2 kids. They have always been very domineering and call all the shots. She doesn't have a clue how bad she has hurt me by not allowing this to be her and I together working this thing, even after I tell her. Her family acts on everything they think should be done and she just follows them. The fight hasn't been with my sister but she is very much the problem. Her family takes over everything and always have because they are always right. It doesn't seem to matter to them that they hurt people, they just jump and do. They don't even think about the fact that they stomp all over anyone. Their way is always right!!! HE IS MY FATHER!!! Who do they think they are? My sister sees them all as innocent angels and will defend them to the death. I keep trying for my father's sake to do what needs to be done. A big part of me wants to dump it all on them and run but my dad won't be around long. It tears my heart out. I have been told to go to their house and act like they do. Tell them what I am doing and stand my ground. They bully their way into everything and are use to it so if I do the same thing it is most likely they won't notice. It goes against everything I am but I tried it. It worked for a little while but not long. They are inconsiderate people. They don't seem to need or want me in their world. The husband and the son are cops so what they say goes. They gloat in all the praise my dad is giving them. And I am constantly available with a broken heart. I want to fulfill my dad's wishes for him and he knows I can but that family's voice is stronger. It is so hard to believe that being nice and considering each of their place and hearts in this only hurts me. I have been yelled at by her husband in front of my dad and I have been scolded by my dad joins what they say because of their influence. It all makes me just sick.
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I don't think this is a job for an attorney since you and your sister are both POA. As you have found out, it's always best just to have one POA.

Standing your ground, as you mentioned, is one suggestion. In doing so you are fighting an uphill battle but it may be one that you feel is worth the fight. Another suggestion: can you appeal to your sister and tell her how you feel? That you feel left out and that you want to pitch in and help with dad and what can you do to help? It seems as if she's taken the reigns as a co-POA and instead of fighting her for control try to work with her. You can keep fighting her but that's not getting you anywhere but frustrated, upset, and angry. The bottom line is that you're in this for your dad, you want what's best for him. Bumping heads with your sister doesn't accomplish anything. And with your sister being your dad's full-time caregiver it may be easier for her to take care of a lot of the stuff on her own although when I was my dad's caregiver I would have welcomed any help at all.

The bottom line is that this is about your dad and what's best for him, not about you and your sister. Your sister has your dad's ear because he lives with her. I think it's natural for your sister to take the lead. But it's a huge job. I know, I've been there with my brother. Help her when she needs help. Be available. If you fight her every step of the way that accomplishes nothing and you'll drive yourself bats.
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