How to stop relatives from using Mom's bad memory to manipulate her?

Both the Durable POA and the Health Care Proxy are revocable documents. If a relative is intent on taking mom to a lawyer to create new docs, there really is nothing you can do to stop that from happening. However you can have these documents revoked and new ones created so long as your relative is still legally competent. Also once your relative has a diagnosis from a physician of dementia, you need to ask the doctor, in mom's presence, if the doctor believes mom is no longer competent. If the answer is yes - get it in writing. That written opinion can help you challenge any document(s) created after the opinion letter or help you apply for guardianship through the court. I do not suggest you create documents or apply for guardianship without the assistance of an elder law attorney. This is complicated.

For what it is worth, I have been recording virtually all visits in recent years. If I am not present, I use a recorder capture the conversations. My father signed a blanket approval, understanding that his hearing & slowness to capture all of what is said in a low voice can work against him.

NOTE: Most states are single consent states. Some require the consent of all participants. Recording phone conversations depends on the location of the participants. I recommend reading http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations.

My father used to nod to have someone think he was listening, but they sometimes took it as agreement with whatever they were saying, true or not. When he realized the tactics & how they worked against him, he became far more comfortable with recording. Now, when someone tries to object, he asks what they are trying to hide.

For manipulators, it captures insidious behaviors. For good visitors, it captures memories for later listening/viewing. It's amazing what gets said behind closed doors when someone thinks there are no witnesses & the elderly can't defend themselves. It's like having a nanny cam, but the older vulnerable need to consent.

I don't know what is needed if they can't speak for themselves, though. When I find out, I will post.

mappleby, I've noticed that with elderly people like my dad that while loneliness is there, he also has a sense of a life well lived which makes him have a positive outlook.

Some elderly people develop a feeling of integrity if deciding that their lives were successful or a feeling of despair if evaluation of one's life indicates a failure to achieve goals.

The one question and pain that my dad still carries is why did my mother leave him 50 some years ago. He has asked about this often is the last several years. My step-sister told me that he cried deeply upon learning that she died in 2013. He also carried a lot of pain over the death of his mother a lot of which is over how she died.

I think the best preparation for old age is how we live our lives for as we decline physically, we find ourselves reflecting more about our past. At least if we are not narcissistic we do.

Anyone that can visit and bring some sense of joy to the elder is a blessing. It seems the there are few that are willing to face the agony that comes with old age. The older we get the lonelier we become. More visitation equates to more happy, happy, happy.

Documenting is important because patterns may emerge.

Legal competency is a very low threshold. It's two against one and if your mind doesn't naturally think that way you will have to work hard to stay a step ahead of the two of them. Document! So is those two are successful in their efforts you might possibly be able to contest things after the fact.

The guardianship idea is good except that if your Mom is competent, you may not find a doctor (or two doctors in some states) to sign off on the court petition. What you can do is get Power of Attorney, including Medical Power of Attorney, so you can manage for your mom without interference. There's a lot of good advice on this forum about how to go about the process.I also suggest giving the troublemakers a limited set of options for visits and socializing. No unsupervised visits! It would help to find an Elder Law specialist, get a free consultation, and then give this attorney's name as the person you will consult if you feel they are attempting to coerce Mom into a decision she would not make under normal circumstances. It's better to be firm and upfront about your concerns than to try to be "nice", believe me. If your Mom is legally competent and they persuade her to remake her will or sign over her house, there's not much you can do about it so you really need to nail down the legalities and get the POA as soon as you can. That's my view, based on my own experience dealing with four siblings and step-siblings.

Let it be. I don't know what they are doing, but unless they are hurting her in any way I would leave it alone. Who is telling you they are doing these thing, how do you know? Your mother needs legal protection, do you have POA? If not , who does. You need to talk to them.

Countrymouse is on the mark-- be wary of projecting onto your relatives what you might fear they are thinking of you. Keep in mind that this is what dying of old age entails. Therefore, never argue with or remind someone with short-term memory loss or dementia issues of negative moments. The stress of struggling with day-to-day tasks, the confusion and frustration are difficult enough without needing to recall painful memories. This can augment fears and latent anxieties. Let her spend her final days in warm fuzzy memories, positive interactions, and peace. At 95, she deserves nothing less. I certainly want my children to do that for me.

No lawyer in their right mind would change anything if you already have POA. If your mother has a lawyer call them and explain things to them. There is no sense in reminding your mother because she will only get upset and then forget anyway.

If she still knows what is going on a Durable a Power of Attorney and a Health Care Directive completed by an Elder Law Attorney will address her wishes. Since she lives with you you can limit their access to her accounts. I would get the documents completed and work with her to address her financial and medical wishes and then allow her to visit with the family members socially but then you can stand up to them saying the other issues are handled. If you don't feel that you can stand up to them the attorney can help you find a Professional Guardian or POA but it does cost money to pay professionals.

Oh how I can relate to what she post:/ the way I see it every dog has their day and the manipulator will get there's when they least expect it! I know my reply may not help but I needed to vent myself.

You seek Guardianship to protect the finances and health of Mom.
You also bite your tongue and withhold any criticism of her visitors. For what little time she has left, let her enjoy their attention lie a warm sunny day.
Address their errors to them, privately and not in her presence.

You need to get total control of your moms bills, finances, credit cards etc before she gets ripped off by relatives or scammers. Then it won't matter that your relates are bums and you won't have to keep reminding mom what jerks they are. Chek out this site for info on power of attorney, guardianship , legal and financial info.

Don't keep reminding your mother of the bad stuff. It is more important that she enjoys the company of her niece? nephew? and her daughter - even if you personally feel that she does so on false premises.

The thing is, the sneaky things these people did to take control of your mother's life were, QED, unsuccessful, were they not. You, however, successfully took control of your mother's life and moved her in with your husband and yourself. Your next step is to gain guardianship of your mother on the grounds of her loss of capacity. Since you are claiming that she is unable to make sound decisions because of her short-term memory loss, you cannot at the same time claim that she has the necessary capacity to give you power of attorney.

I have to say this. While I understand your anger with your sister's and your cousin's exploitation of your mother, and your fear that they might continue to take advantage, I repeat that the taking control appears to be being done by you. It isn't just a matter of where she lives, it's also your determination not to allow her to think well of them or to "be loving" with her own daughter. Your deceitful, manipulative sister is still her daughter. Don't deprive her of that.

Her memory is only going to get worse and lose more and more of her ability to reason. I assume she has dementia? Has she already given you durable and medical POA?

What are your sister and cousin's goal in trying to take control of your mother's life? You may need to take some legal steps to stop this like getting guardianship if your mother can be declared incompetent.

Good luck and keep in touch.