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Am i legally responsible for not helping my elderly relative anymore? I visit weekly, help pay bills, prepour meds, shop and take her to physician appts but her nastiness/hurtful comments and mind games have left me too stressed to help anymore. She has been an emotionally abusive person her whole life to my mom and i (we are both only children). We have been taking care of her for over 10 years and she is now 96. She lives on her own with the help of a HHA three times a week. She refuses to pay for anymore assistance even though she has the money. She tells us it is our responsibility to take care of her. She plays the victim to everyone else, telling them we refuse to help and we yell at her. I leave in tears by her hurtful comments. Can i just tell her we are no longer going to help her anymore. Can i be held legally responsible if i stop care? I have set a precedence of support but want to stop. She is of sound mind but fragile health and is her own rep payee and makes her own medical decisions.

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Oh, and p.s. I'm not a lawyer so I don't 'know' that you are no longer responsible to care for her...however, in today's culture, you just never know. Perhaps you should talk to a lawyer just in case. The first 1/2 hour is usually free. There may be something s/he can do to help you find the right people to take care of this situation.
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Hmmmm....Well, since you believe she is of sound mind, how about sitting her down, telling her to look at your while you talk, and tell her that under no uncertain terms are you going to put up with her mean talk and nastiness? If she continues to behave this way, call in a social worker (her doctor should be able to put you in touch with one) and tell her that you are no longer able to care for her. Tell her that you will be unable to put out meds, etc., and at some point, she will be noncompliant (or you can just tell her doctor...I believe at least the doctor's office will take down the note and pass it on even if you don't have health care proxy). Doctor's don't like non-compliance and they will most often send in a visiting nurse who will assess the situation.

That should take care of the whole thing. Don't expect anything in return, except some peace of mind.

Nobody should have to put up with nastiness from a person of sound mind. Dementia/Alzheimer's is one illness where it may come with the territory.

You seem like a good person.
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You are not legally bound to help her, it is more of a moral reason, however, tell her you find her abusive, she can afford help, and therefore you will no longer be providing any assistance. Tell her you will visit sometimes, but anything else she will have to pay outside help to come in. God love her for living so long and in this age category, children and grandchildren were "expected" to take care of their elderly. Asians countries do this routinely, however, their is no "legal" way she can "make" you care for her. Wish her well, but you have your own life.
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Can i just tell her we are no longer going to help her anymore. - Yes.
Can i be held legally responsible if i stop care? - No.

Your grandmother is of sound mind, and she insists on retaining control of her own living decisions. Good for her! - she'd get no argument from me about that.

But it necessarily follows that where she keeps control, she keeps responsibility. Ergo, you do not. Ergo, you are free to walk away. And THAT I will believe when I see it.

The reason you don't leave her to her own devices is that you are a good and decent person. I recommend you read up on techniques for setting boundaries, give yourself huge credit for your kindness, and move one little step at a time towards a healthier relationship with your grandmother. Best of luck x
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I have felt bound to say before that if you could realise that the person that used to live in her body has gone away, and an abusive one lives there now, it is easier to know how to react..mark you, it appears that she has always behaved like a brat, so nothing has changed, beyond your tolerance becoming strained beyond reason- 2 weeks notice sounds great to me! (GReat idea, Pam Stegman).
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Even if there is no legal requirement, I sense you feel a moral obligation or you wouldn't have posted the question.

The issue is how far your grandmother is willing to go making her point that it's the responsibility of family to care for her. Is she mean enough to endanger herself in order to punish you if you pull back? If so, perhaps it's NOT accurate to say she's of sound mind.

She seems a lot like my mother, who will be 96 next month. I've been with her for 10 years, ever since Dad died, mainly because of her personality disorders similar to what you describe. Mom has been cared for, in fact spoiled, all her life and would not have made it on her own. I couldn't do that to her.

But I don't blame you for wanting to walk away, particularly if you and your mother have a long-term practice of tolerating her abuse and don't see how to assert yourselves.

A good source of help might be your local county department of aging services or whatever the equivalent is where you live. Perhaps someone there could suggest resources. Also, you could report the circumstances to your grandmother’s doctor who may be willing to talk to her about taking medications to make her more comfortable.

Blessings to you in the process of responsibly easing yourselves out of this situation.
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It might be time for an assisted living home. Look into what is available in your area.
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Ideally you give her two weeks notice. So tell her that June 1st, you are done. By then you should have a paying job.
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