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I thought I posted this question but didnt see it come up. So here is a condenced version. I wake up and think of moms problem of the moment or a phone call I have to make to straighten out for her. A lot of my waking moments are focusing on her and her constant problems. Large and small. She calls me and tells me all her upsets and problems. I told her i didnt want to here about all her problems a while ago when she was obsessing about a few very big problems if the came true.
But that didnt last very long. She keeps needing me to buy things for her. Make phone calls. She is 89 years old and walks with a walker. Lives in her home. Brother with personality disorder just moved back home. But doesnt help much. And doesnt want her to spend money.

Barbara

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I don't see how her behavior can change. She needs or wants things and she needs someone to do things for her, so she asks. I think the trick is to start fitting in more side moments for you. If you start small and make it a habit, at least you're getting something or some time focused on yourself. I don't think she's doing anything wrong, so it's about managing what is being asked of you and dumped on you, but getting pieces of what you want and need too. I'm working on this myself. Any little tiny thing is still something and it restores you.
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Setting boundaries are important. I struggle with them all the time with my grandmother and my parents. Make sure her basic needs are met and set boundaries on what you are willing to do. Maybe dedicate 1 day each week or 2 to helping her with errands, shopping, and phone calls. Maybe you can hang a dry erase board where she can write lists of things she needs or needs help with? In between those scheduled days, tell her to add it to the list or ask your brother for help.

Consider having a caregiver come to her home to help her. Or maybe it's time for her to move into assisted living. There's a range of facilities and level of care provided. Maybe living somewhere that provides meals, housekeeping assistance, and a bus that takes people on field trips to shopping would be helpful to her.

Make time for your life. It's important, too!! Hugs!!
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I know the feeling of having your life revolve around your mother. I don't have any answers, because I know their needs are numerous and helping hands are few. Many older people get obsessed about certain things and become very self-centered. My mother is 88 with mobility problems and dementia. She can't do much for herself, so she is always after me to fix things she obsesses on. It drives me nuts.

What type of personality disorder does your brother have? People with personality disorders can still do things. I thing I would tell my mother to ask my brother to do it. If you share the responsibility it will be much easier. Your mother probably feels it is easier to ask you to do something, but she has to realize that you have a life, too.
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