My mum died 8 years ago and i wasn't there for her. I had a very hectic life and was trying to maintain a career as a manager. At the time of my mums death i was driving to work on the motorway and my dad phoned and said that my mum had just died. When he said it i had to swerve of the motorway, i was so distraught.
I remembered the day before that my niece had phoned to cancel me and my wife visiting my mum and dad because she sad that nanny was poorly. I thought nothing of it as my dad phoned up later and said that she was under the weather and best to leave it for that day. Well, that happened every so often, but mum at 67 was alright most of the time and alhough she did have breathing problems from time to time caused by her being a heavy smoker up to the age of 55, I didn't really think anything more it.
But i never realised that my mum was that ill. Even when they rang me to say that they had taken her into hospital for her breathing. I was under so much stress and working 100 miles away from my home and i knew they would take good care of her.
But then they rang to say she died. Well, i got to hospital and my legs gave out under me when i arrived there. We spoke to the doctor and he said did i want to see her. At first i said no and then when i walked past the door of the room she was in I had this awful feeling that i should check that she was actually dead.
When i saw her, it was like looking at a cardboard cut-out and the body didn't even really look like her. I said to my sister as soon as i saw her "that's not my mum" and then as i left kissed my mum on the forehead and then walked out.
At the funeral i didn't even cry and was laughing and joking with friends and family about things when we congregated after the funeral.
But i felt that after she died something inside me died and after 4 years of panic attacks and bad work relationships i finally had a nervous breakdown.
I've been off work with depression for nearly 5 years now and feel like my mind and body have died. It feels like when i kissed my mum on the forehead in the hospital that her dead spirit went inside me and with the guilt of not being there for her, i am now not able to live a happy life. In fact it is like i am now the living dead. I feel numb about death and i have closed my self down with my feelings of agoraphobia. Like i have cut off all avenues, to honour my dead mum.
Like i am living a life of hardship, because of my guilt.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but if it does, can anyone share any advice of how I can change my life around, because although i planned suicide something else has been pulling me back from the brink.
I've only just realised that mums death is the core of my problems, because at 48 so much has happened to me in my life and i wasn't able to see what the real problem was.
Thank you for any advice
Stephen
England
First of all, I'm assuming that you are still getting help for depression.
Somehow you need to realize that no matter what people do, their loved ones can die without them. I interviewed a woman for my book who said that her whole family sat by her dad's bed for three days, as he was dying. Then he rallied. They decided to go out to eat and come right back. He died during the half-hour they were gone.
This happens often, and it's very hard. But we can't control everything in life. Your mom had been ill before and come out of it just fine. You couldn't run away from your job every time she was ill, if she already had help. It's not your fault that she died and she doesn't "blame" you for not being there. Your mother loved you and wouldn't want you to suffer for this any more. Please continue to get help. You have nothing to feel guilty about, but only you can forgive yourself and move on. That's what your mother would want.
Take care of yourself,
Carol
You wonder what your mum would want for you. I know nothing about your mum, but I do know what it feels like to be a mother, to have children, and to want things for them. I'm going to assume that your mother was a decent person, not perfect because no one is, but loving and caring and trying her best. If that assumption is true, then it is almost slander to wonder if she would think you should have a proper life. OF COURSE she would want the best for you. She would want you to be happy, and to live your life successfully. Believe me, she had been disappointed in you many times over the years (because that is part of parenting) but she never stopped loving you and hoping for the best for you.
If I'm right that she was a decent person, there is absolutely no doubt she'd want you to live life fully. And if I'm wrong and she was not a good person, if she didn't love her children with all her heart, then does it really make sense to let her memory hold you back?
This insight you have recently had may be a key to reclaiming your proper life. If you are seeing a therapist, discuss this fully. If you are not seeing a therapist now, I think it would be worth trying it -- you definitely have something important to discuss.
none of this is your fault. My mom struggles with this over my brothers death. He kept saying he was dick. She kept seeing him and never saw anything. One day he said this and she left for work. He did die that day. How was she to know. Her advice now is to see people in your life that say they are sick while they are still alive. You can't change this but it will make you feel better to just see other family members more . NO ONE blames you. Forgive yourself and when you have problems let your family know so they can HELP you. They are there for you and love you and do not blame you at all.
Try to let it go; my parents had been to the hospital inumerable times and I wasn't always able to get there as I live almost 2 hours away. I feel certain your mother would want you to live a proper life. Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and offer a couple of thoughts. Maybe the underlying connection with all you have experienced is a deep rooted fear; one that spreads and gets harder to push down when disappointments mount. On top of all the trauma and difficulties you have experienced, your mum dies unexpectedly and at a relatively young age. That may have been one trauma too many for you to keep at bay. Eventually, it just feels safer to stay in your home and not go out into that world that you can't control.
I'm not sure if it's necessary to find one thing to unravel as a starting point. Maybe it is, I don't really know; but maybe you could take a look at the various issues that you can identify and see if they all have fear in common. If so, where did the fear start might be a better beginning. Get some help with that journey and don't push yourself too hard or put unnecessary pressure on yourself.
I am truly grateful that you have a wife and family that love and support you. You deserve to be loved, supported and protected.
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