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I have been doing all the physical bending, lifting, toileting, bathing for my Dad going in 3 years 3 times per day. My husband helps me out on wed. & Fri. And takes him all day on Sat. so I can get my mother out. Mom finally agreed to have someone come in two nights per week. She doesn't seem all that happy about it now that it is becoming a reality. I am realized but also guilty. I saw my Dr. And she put me on meds for depression which is between my husband and I only.

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As a paid caregiver, I always take into consideration, the adjustment time required for it to be a good relationship.... I am freaky about letting a 'stranger' in my home... so completely understand how someone feels... and I do some very intimate care with some of them... so it is very normal for your mom to feel this way.... and hopefully the caregiver will include your mom as much as possible, i.e..... asking her what her and her husbands preferences are, ect.. making your mom feel that she has the final word... which she does.... and I am happy you are getting a break... just give it time... hopefully the person coming into her home is aware of letting things settle down and always reminding themselves they are a 'guest' in the home.... let us know how this goes...
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I think it may be a question about a non family member taking intimate care of her husband. When I was a hospice nurse one of our patients was a professional who had provided services for our family for many years and she fiercely guarded her huband's body from my eyes. After he died I had to do a quick catheter removal under the sheets before she could reach the bedside.
Once she gets used to the idea and dad accepts it she will be fine. Have you considered requesting a male aide
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There is a saying that God will never give you more than you can handle - and some people will flat out tell you it is BS, others, like me, will say, YAH BUT that doesn't mean you are supposed to handle it all alone. No, that little voice in your head telling you that you SHOULD be doing it ALL yourself is just flat out wrong. Having help helps you from being burned out, and you not being burned out in turn helps your dad as well as you and hubby.

One of things we like to teach our pediatric rehab patients who are always going to need some physical help is how to interact with other people besides their parents and learn to *direct* their own care. It is not a far stetch to have your parents learn to accept care from others besides you...sure you can supervise and help direct some, but this is an important skill in its own right. It may be outside their comfort zone at first but it can work out for the best in the long run for all concerned.
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You hold your ground and tell mom you are not getting any younger, you have your limitations too. Be honest with her that you are worn down. She is being childish and you need to draw a boundary that is safer for you. Let go of that guilt, you have done more than your share. Nancy H is right, mom may have a little "queen bee" attitude and is trying to dominate the hive. Sometimes doing what is right for your parents is not what they want. Sometimes a five-year old wants ice cream for dinner. You didn't give in then, and don't give in now.
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Nan, you mother is probably feeling a little violated for lack of a better word, having an outsider come into HER domain and taking care of HER husband. But you need to stress to her how grateful you are that she's not only thinking of your dad's welfare, but also yours. That this can be a trial period to see if it's going to work or not. Maybe by allowing her to feel she's not locked into this arrangement AND that you and your husband are grateful, she'll buck up and do it. Then when this paid caregiver comes, and you find out it's working fine, you and your husband make sure you take time alone just the two of you somewhere OTHER than that house to let your mom and dad acclimate AND take a break for heaven's sake.
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