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MY 86 mom has memory problems. She often sleeps 8 to 10 hrs, gets up to go to the bathroom and somehow her pj bottoms and carpet at the front of the toilet gets wet. She doesn't know how it happens. I'm 700 miles away. She wears a pullup diaper w. pad (I think the pad is unnecessary but she's afraid of wetting the mattress (just ordered them a waterproof mattress pad). I think she sleeps so long, has a strong urgency and when she gets to the toilet, she starts to pee before she sits down OR when she sits down she doesn't slide her bum back far enough. Ideas as to whether either makes sense? Naturally, need suggestions. It's hard for me to monitor both parents but I do talk to them every morning.
Thanks, Linda...

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I've been out of town for a week but I'm now caught up with all your wonderful messages, your kind sharing of your experiences. My only sibiling, my brother, is going to be with the parents from the 26th to the 30th. He's not the caretaker 'type' & doesn't know as much about AD as my husband and I do so I tried to tell him what to look for.
As to what any of us can do (that'd be my brother who is single and my husband and I), none of us can move closer nor will my parents/my dad really agree to move with us (Harry doesn't have room for them). I'm afraid it's just going to be me trying to figure out what's going on and try to avoid any really bad things.
My husband is an Occupational Therapist who has worked in geriatrics for more than 15 years. He's told me that a lot of the elderly don't either know what to do or don't want anything to change, that it's a matter of waiting till something bad happens. I HATE living like this but there's nothing I can do to change things.
I'll be curious to see what my brother and niece have to say when they are in the house. I pray they are still safe.
Blessings to you ALL. This is hard, very hard, but there is some comfort knowing that I'm not the only one who is having to go through this.
Blessings, Linda...
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My mother was like that i had a comode next to her bed she was always going to the bathroom her dr said it was urinary track infection she was peeing on the floor she wears pullup. many of time i found her wiping herself with the sheet i lfet plenaty of toilet paer wipes for her.. my mother slept alot alos.hses in a nusring home now it got to the point that i couldnt handle her any more i was doing every thing myself i couldnt get any help. her ifection she got was bad i had her hospitalized its bee a month now shes been in nusring home shes in ther permanently shes 92 yrs old.
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Linda,
I am not old still work and if I wait too long the urge to go while pulling down pants gets very strong. Pick the carpet up at night and leave folded to be placed down in the morning. Maybe mom could leave her diaper on while she urinates and just change the diaper and wipe herself off with the disposable wipes and place a new diaper.
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Dear 2bluwings,
my mother-in-law was doing the same thing. She would not admit that she had an accident. She was living alone up to a few months ago. As her AD was progressing, she was doing less on her own. I often thought that Mom was embarrass, I think she knew at times. But depending how long it was after her accidents, she would get mixed up with her answeres. She was at a point where you had to tell her to go take a bath. She would say she already did. So we would just move her along to the bathroom, and help her in the tub. After she was cleaned up, she felt better, and she did appreciate anything we did, even if she said she did not need any help. It came to the point we had to admit that Mom needed more help. We all were willing to help, put she thought she was fine. It is hard to get into the mind of someone with AD. Once in awhile she would just say how hard it was for her to remember to do things for herself. As the caregivers, we would question our own choices too. The more we educated ourselves on AD, we were able to understand more what Mom is going through. To step up to the plate and become more the parent then the child is very hard to do. It is as if you are disrepecting your parent's wishes. Some day we maybe in their shoes, I only hope I will be able to understand my childrens wishes and what will be best for me. It must be very hard to give up your independence. With all of us unable to be there for Mom around the clock, we knew the best place for Mom was in a nursing home. She was at a point where she has to be told to do daily activties. She was getting run down, by not eating. Not cleaning herself, and unable to take her meds daily. To have people she does not know come into the home would not work out for her, she never had trust in anyone other then family. There is so much to think about, in what is best for that person. After Mom had an accident in her home, and had to be hospitalized it was better to get her into a nursing then. The way the system works, and how much personal funds that are available, it would be harder to bring Mom home, and get the care she would of needed. Either way, it will cost money for the care. And to place someone in a nursing home from their home takes a long time. I praise anyone who can be at home with their parents, and be there 24/7 for them. It does become your whole life. For the past 5 years now, we have been caring for elderly parents. Thank goodness they trusted us to come in and take over their finances, and doing things around the house. It has to be very hard for you being so far away from your mother. We are in the same town. I do have parents who live out of town, but I have a brother and sister-in-law living close to my parents. Things are working out good for them, thank God. I do understand your concerns for your mother. Is there someway she could come and be near you? There is a website called "aplaceformom.com" they are very helpful in helping out someone in any situation you are going through. They were a big help in finding just what we needed. Talk to friends who have elderly parents, they could also help you find some resources in what your mother is going through. Your mother's doctor could give you some ideas too.
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My mom Belle is doing better wearing the pullups now. Sometime during the early morning she'll get up to pee that's when she'll take off the pull up. I still find wet panties and pj's in her room in the morning and the pull up on top of something. Before I had carpet put in the hall she would wet on the way to the bathroom. In 2007 I bought us a puppy that changed her mood dramatically. She just used to sit there and stare at the floor. Now the dog is her baby. The dog has a doggy door so she can go out to pee herself. I used to catch my mom blocking the doggy door. I tried to tell her that she was not to do that. One morning I got up and coming out of my room I stepped in a puddle of pee she left on the way to the bathroom. I went to see if the dog wanted out and stepped into another puddle the dog had left by the door. All while I was still barefoot. That was not a good start to my day. Serenity Now:) Lora in Denver
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my grandmother thought you should wash the disposable pull ups........it damaged the washer. so she started rinsing them out and hanging them on a coat rod and hanging them on the Shower Rod. Get a Bedside Commode, shove the oppoiste side of the bed up against the wall, and consider getting a higher toliet or at least a grab bar to hold onto while going down and getting up........its the toliet being so low I betcha.
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What is a pessary?
Oh my, she tore up the soiled diaper!

It's tough, isn't it. Linda...
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I agree fully with the pad and diaper but Mom is not rational about it, she has a BIG fear of wetting the mattress. I told her and dad to take one of the diapers & do an experiement by turning it upside down & pour water where the pee would go. I was able to get 4 cups of water that would NOT come out even when I tried to wring it out. Mom SAID she did it but because Dad wasn't there, I don't know if they did this. She said she did but she's getting really good at covering for her deficits. I don't think that she did because she said she only got 2 cups of water in the diaper. I've been trying to get her to quit wearing the pad with the diaper by 1) trying to prove that the diaper will not leak even is she were in bed rolling around with it fully wet; 2) got them a waterproof mattress pad but they haven't yet put it on 3) tried to explain that the pad may make the diaper too bulky and mke it pucker and leak. I've tried to get her to wear a nightgow instead of pjs...
I don't know what else I can do! Even if I found that she was simply not sitting back far enough or started to pee before she sat down, what's the solution then? To have Dad get up with her I suppose. He won't have anyone stay overnight or be in the house in general.
::sigh:: Thanks for all of you, this is tough. Linda...
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Thanks for all that good advice. They have a '3 in 1'/bedside toilet frame on the toilet (that I saw when I was there last Dec. after her stay in the nursing home). I also thought that she was not sitting all the way back & she couldn't tell me how she sat on the toilet or approached it. I need to get up there & observe.
the relationship between my mother & father now is that when she gets upset or angry, he backs down which is quite a change from the past. I have been telling him to check Mom before she goes to bed, etc, and he says "he doesn't listen to me". If he took her pjs and just left a nightgown, she'd go balistic on him. That would be a great idea, though.
She uses slipper socks. There is a small contour rug in front of the toilet (otherwise the rug beneath would be ruined; Dad's already worried that the toilet is going to go through the floor (he thinks the boards around the toilet are rotted & they might be).
They haven't put the new mattress pad on yet but supposedly she's never wet in the bed, not even in her diapers but I don't believe that.
I appreciate your support. My parents should be with us OR have someone come in to help them. My father refuses both. I've been told that I need to accept this situation and pray that it works out better than worse.
My dad's mindset is from when he was a kid, the 9 kids and the parents slept in a small house on a farm. When his mother got sick, he'd hear her moan and moan for quite some time but the family took care of the mother. They also took care of his grandparents, too. His attitude is 'I take care of my own.' I try to tell him that time has changed but he doesn't hear me.
Thanks again, Linda...
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I think you are right Linda, there is nothing you can do until it becomes a lot worse. We put in a high toilet from home depot and had used the riser before. The cheap riser seat got pee all over the inside edges and it was uncomfortable to say the least, cleaning it all the time too. My Mom is only 5' with short legs and it seems as soon as I pull down her pants she is practically on the seat, so it is much quicker and more comfortable, and easier for me wiping too. I highly recommend a new toilet.
As for the slipper socks, great idea, until they start rolling around on their feet during their sleep and the rubber knobbys are on the top of their foot and they still slip. THe hospitals have rubber ALL around and they are the best invention ever. I cannot find them online so if someone can please respond. I have 2 pairs and treat them like gold as she has to have them on every night, her floor is laminate and slippery. The pads in the diapers to me are like only wearing a pad, it prevents the real diaper from doing its job. I would suggest just a diaper, rubber pants over it if you need but I used depends and put on a XL pullup from discount warehouses over it just in case the diaper overflows . The bulk of the urine needs a real diaper, not a pad in my experience, but whatever works for all. This site is great, love to read everyones input, Hugs to all of you caretakers out there!
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A rug in front of the toilet could cause a fall. If you would get one of those risers for the toilet, it could end up being too high and she could just be sitting on the end and "going" down the front. At first we thought the toilet was leaking and called the apartment maintenance man who resealed the toilet at the bottom. Then I had to call maintenance again because it was still "leaking". Come to find out the new riser seat was so high that she could only sit at the edge of it, and "go" down the front. It was at that point that a new "Comfort Height" toilet was i nstalled. There have been no toilet leakage accidents since. Both she and formerly my late mother wear gowns, no pajamas. She would love to wear pajamas and I said she can't; she has accidents. I buy all her clothes so this is what I buy her for sleeping. This is all she has in the house. Also I personally purchased waterproof mattress pads. At first I bought the vinyl kind, but she ripped those, so now I use the cotton/polyster kind. No rippage. I also buy the washable bed pads. She can't put slippers on herself anymore. A nurse case manager suggested that she wear slipper socks to bed, the kind with the rubber at the bottom. Otherwise should could slip with regular socks or no socks.
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As for who is telling me about Mom peeing on her pjs and down the toilet, they both did. Every morning when we talk, Mom and Dad are on a speaker phone at their end. That's good because I can hear their interactions & dad can be really hard on her. He assumes that she should know what's going on (he's in denial plus he exhausted doing all that he has always done plus what Mom has done--yes, I've talked to him about getting some help but his attitude that as long as he can do it, it's HIS duty ::sigh::).
I do believe that she is starting to pee before she sits down. I recommended a night gown but she said she couldn't stand the gown, something about it sticking to her legs ::sigh:: She's also wearing both a diaper and pad so that's more to get down when she has to pee. She's afraid if she doesn't wear the pad, she'll wet the bed. I just sent them a waterproof mattress pad but Dad hasn't put it on because he hasn't washed the sheets yet (don't ask me why he has to do that before putting on the pad).
I agree that she is probably doing as you suggest, ie, starting to pee as she goes to sit down & pull her diaper/pad & pajamas down. I asked her whether she pulls down her bottoms when she's facing the toilet or when she goes to sit down and of course she couldn't remember.
Part of the problem is that she becomes quite beligerant & won't listen to what dad tells her. I saw that part of my mother last year when she fell & ended up in a nursing home. My sweet mom can become a real bi...
Thanks for your input, I really don't know what we can do. Even if I were there and saw what she was doing, I'm not sure what I could do to change it.
Thanks, Linda..
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I have to agree on the high toilets, we all love them since we put one in for mom. How do you know this is happening, did she or your dad tell you? As the dementia increases, they use anyplace for a toilet. My Mom used to get up out of bed, pull down her pants or lift her nightgown and pee all over the side of the bed and floor. She forgot to walk to the bathroom, it was horrible, especially in the middle of the night. I sewed elastic straps on paama bottoms that go up over her shoulders, then put on a nightshirt over that (and under). That solved that problem~!! Before she could figure out how to get out of those she peed, then forgot and got back in bed. They do sell pj's that are called unstrippable pajamas now if you want those too. Its so hard being far away but there WILL come a day you will, or someone will, have to go there or hire help for them. good luck.
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Even with the toilet riser (which is a WONDERFUL invention and I love it), my 88-year-old client also sometimes wets down the front of the toilet. It does occur because she starts to pee while still in the process of sitting down. I don't think there's much that can be done about that. We use only a "shorty" nightgown for her, which helps a lot, and she hikes it up well before aiming for the potty. I'd consider this for your mom, to cut down on laundry and discomfort with wet PJs.
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My mom is 84 will be 85 in May. When she started having incontinence we had a Pessary put in and it stopped the problem. She started complaining of a pain in her side almost 2 years later. I thought it was because of the device so I had it taken out and as it turned out, it was a cyst on her groin. Now she is incontinent again with a different Healthcare provider that can't seem to fit her with a new device. It has been a real trial keeping her clean. I can't even consider pads cause she'll flush them down the toilet. She never wanted to wear the pull ups but last week she wore one to bed for the first time. When I got up in the morning, She used it all right but after soaking it with urine she tore it up. I found all the shreds on the carpet in her bedroom and hallway. She has done better now since that one time. I need to get that pessary inserted again. Lora
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How far away is her bathroom? My mom's is down the hall (her circa 1940's home only has one bathroom on her main floor) and we have a hard time getting there with stiff morning bones. Maybe a bedside commode would help? Also make sure she has rubber backed bathroom rugs at the base of her toilet. My mom did the same thing (which I never could figure out) and wouldn't give up the carpet in her bathroom. Being able to through those rugs in the washer sure helped. (I also put disposable bed pads underneath the rugs because they aren't completely waterproof.) It'll save the carpet. Try to limit her liquid intake at night. I know that is a "no-brainer" but I never thought of it :) :) :) Those ideas might help if it's an urgency issue but I have to agree with Lynn- your parents will love the riser. Those knees don't bend, especially in the mornings!
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There could be many things going on but I think you're right on when you talk about her urgency to pee. My mom does this also and I see it often at her nursing home. That said, you also need to consider the height of the toilet, at 88 there's no doubt that she can't squat down like she used to. A toilet seat riser or a new toilet might be a huge benefit for both of them. I'd also consider removing the carpet in the bathroom. It's tough because carpet will help prevent falls over slick vinyl but it's hard to clean and might smell like crazy in no time.

Best of luck to you all.
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She lives with my 88 year old dad & they live in the old house I grew up in. They've been married for 84 years. I have been BEGGING them for years to move here where the climate is better, for one thing. I started begging them before they started the decline. In 2004 we tried to move up there and had a string of things happen that prevented us from moving there (and still prevents us). My mother would move with us in a heart beat but it's dad. He has never been able to deal with change. He has a few elderly sisters near him, each of who have their own families. When he comes up with reasons why he won't move, that comes up & I go thru the "you're in no condition to help them anymore", etc.
We've just had a death in my husband's family & we are going there this week. I had hoped to see my parents soon but this unexpected trip makes that unaffordable now. My brother will be going up the week before Christmas & I will tell him what to look for to indicate that they are not safe. If they aren't, well, that's another thing ::sigh:: Dad is just so darn proud or stupid, maybe a little of both. Thanks for your response. Linda...
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My goodness, does she live alone and you are 700 miles away? I would move her home with you, she needs someone before something horrible happens.
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