As my Mom's POA, how can I stop my brother from overspending her money if she willingly gives it to him?

jeannegibbs What a wonderful idea.. Personal care agreement. Thankyou!

Need2know My mom lovingly gave away her possession, or cash to my brothers for years. When she fell sick they put her in a nursing home and put her house up for sale and emptied all her accounts with a POA. When they found out she couldn't stay in the nursing home they bounced her back and forth between them finally dumping her in a federally assisted apt. She last two plus years, and the doctor called me to come get her as she needed help. I never knew what to do living out of state so I am so glad you posted this for others to know. Legal guardianship or financial,and medical power of attorney is the way to go. It goes without saying if our parents are giving away things, then we must protect them from themselves. Lesson learned too late here.

my sister kept my mums bank card for her for a few years, it was only by mistake we found bank statements at my mums house that that revealed my sister had been taking money each month, my sister and I went to the bank cancelled the card that my sister had and got another sent to my house with a new pin no.the money she was withdrawing was from a cash machine, my mother has dementia and no longer understands what a bank card is. my sister did not have poa. therefore this was fraud. She also had an isa account closed but she was the only one who had the pin no.no-one else.. my name is now on my mothers account but this does not give me the right to withdraw money from a cash-line machine, again this would be fraud. I need to take my mum down to the bank if ever she needed money out, it is her money. if she told me to take money out for her, I would be committing fraud.having a mental impairment she no longer has to pay council tax, which I was unaware of until I checked this out. all the bills have been set up paying direct debit.i take her to the post -office each week as she is in a wheelchair, I then take her for the shopping, if she should want to buy clothes or a gift for anyone , it is her money and can do whatever she wants with it.if she is happy then I'm happy too. but access to a bank card is a definite no unless she signs for a cash withdrawal herself, do as ive done, get a letter from the doctor stating youre mum has a mental impairment, take it to the bank with your"e mum. cancel the card and ask for another pin no, that way only youre mum will be able to withdraw money by signing it herself allways go with her.let your"e brother know you mean business, never give him the pin no.should he wonder why he can no longer take money out of a atm let him go and ask the bank, he will be in big trouble hell mend him,my sister has never returned to see my mum, she doesn't let on to her nephews or nieces, we don't want anything to do with her, never.to steal money from anyone is wrong . especially youre mum.go to the bank soon before he takes anymore, he has no respect for his mother and she will end up with nothing, don't let this happen.

Report your brother to Adult Protective Services. Also remind him if the equity loan is not paid, there will be no home. Talk to the bank that holds the loan, tell them you are POA and bring the documents, and tell them to stop the overdraft coverage, that only the money in her account there is all she has via her ATM. Do this in writing also, give the letter to them at the same time. You, the POA have not authorized the loan.

You call the cops. You file a complaint and you file charges and you as POA, sign the complaint for the police.

I am also POA and I would be the one responsible to foresee that $ is used for the benefit for my mom. She always says to me if I need any money take it from her account. If I did who's going to believe me if I did and wonder if I'm exploiting her. Check withy your attorney. All I'm saying that your brother should show what he's spending from her account, because if it was you spending it you might have to. Too bad that your brother is not communicating with you in an honest way for your dear mom. She doesn't deserve this of her last days on earth. Hopefully you will find away to be at peace with each other before the day comes. I feel for you because I have been in that situation. Take care of yourself and your family and your mom the best that you can. Keep in touch! God Bless,

I'm sorry to hear that your mother has only a few months to live, but I'm glad hospice is there some. I hope you will see a lawyer.

I just read all of the answers to my question - thank you everyone. They are all valuable, and quite a few of your answers do apply to my situation. I'll answer some of the questions you have asked me: My brother does not work, and it is my mother's - not his - home. He receives Social Security and disability income. His care of her leaves something to be desired, as he has forgotten to give her her pills a few times. She has just a few months left to live, and hospice is visiting weekly. I live a couple hours away. I do have an online bank account in her name that only I oversee, but she is adamant about having her own debit card and money. While she lived here I tried to get all of her money into the online account, but it made her upset to think of banking without a building. She is now telling my sister she wants all of it back in her bank at home, and to pay her own bills again. I may see an elder care attorney - it is frustrating because our mother thinks the sun rises and sets on our brother, and has more or less turned against me, and definitely my husband (due to my husband's telling my brother off over taking our mother's money, among other things). Whether or not I have poa, I can't control how my mom feels, and that is what makes me feel powerless. I have most of her money in the online account, but even if her other account runs dry, she has it set up so the bank will transfer money from her home equity account into her checking. Someone mentioned having my mom mentally evaluated, which would help give me the right to override her. From what I understand, a person has to be more than forgetful in order to take away their rights with their checking account - they practically have to have no cognisance whatsoever. Anyway, I will see an attorney if and when I can fit that into my time, as I also work. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to post. It really does help just to know I'm not alone (but so sorry to you people who have to deal with this sort of thing also!).

Pita, if your mother's care is not good and the money for it is evaporating, there is a word for what is happening to her and it is EXPLOITED. There is a word for what has happened to you and it is INTIMIDATED. You are possibly currently not doing your job as POA because of this. Not that it is at all an easy thing to do what is needed and what is right while you are being screamed at by someone who wants you to assume what they are doing right and leave them alone to do it as they see fit. If you have ggod reason to think things are not right, then enlist help from your Adult Protective Services or an eldercare attorney so you don't have to face this alone, but honestly, you should either face it or resign as POA and give up on being involved in your mother's last days...that might be a greater heartache in the long run, though less headache in the short run, but only you can decide that. There is no age limit on growing a backbone.

Misfairlady69 I feel a storm brewing!!!

dose he work????????

and thats why i ask what is it your brother do for your mom and who home is it? mom or your brother ? if its your mom home and he is living they free then you own him noting thats his mom too he should take care of her

they are some kids would do anything for money i know because i have brother's like that

i don't agree Jeanne why must children take compensation to take care of they parents thats crap because our parents take care of us most importantly give us LIFE so no you need to change the bank account you are poa

@Jeannegibbs, when my mom gave us the POA it was agreed upon that she would live 6mts with me and 6 with my brother. well he's got her so brainwashed against me. when I suggested that she has more than enough money to help us both get through he was so dead set against it and yelled at me till his veins nearly burst. but now that he is doing exactly what I proposed it seems to be ok..but I am left out of everything, her life , her health issues, I no longer ask and honestly nor really care anymore, they've caused me so much heart ache.. but his last words to me were, that the $ is there for his wife. I was like WHAT? our father didn't work his ass and die for my brothers wife, he left it for my mother. who at this stage doesn't know what day of the week it is or anything else, other than to say yes to his every comment. Yet when she talks to me , she complains up a storm to get her out of there, she wants to go home to her own house and my hands are tied. my brother can get violent and I just am too old to deal with his nonsense..he thinks right now he's the man with moms money. he's always been a loser...

Your Mom is living with your brother? Her house or his? Is he providing caregiving services? Taking her to appointments? Making meals? Laundry? Helping her dress?

What is your brother's role in your mother's life? If he is providing services that you would otherwise have to pay for, don't you think he should be entitled to payment? But the way to handle that is to draw up a personal care agreement spelling out what he does and what he is paid. He shouldn't be helping himself to amounts he determines, but he should be compensated fairly.

Take away the ATM card, and cut weekly expense checks to your brother for the care of your mother. If necessary, have him show you receipts, he can keep a ziplock baggie in the car to make it easy.

I had a similar situation when I was brought in to serve as POA for an aunt I wasn't especially close to. This aunt had been "cared for" by neighbors who were helping themselves to her possessions and money. I couldn't fault these people entirely as they were the ones who kept an eye on her, drove her to the store, to Dr. appointments, etc. I didn't want to disrupt the good relationship they had with her, but I didn't want them to continue to over-compensate themselves either. I set up a meeting with an elder care lawyer and several [distant] family members for the purpose of long term planning. During the meeting it was explained to all (by the lawyer) that my aunt would not qualify for Medicaid down the road if she gave away too many assets, and that from this point on it would be my duty (as POA) to keep meticulous track of things. Should she fail to qualify for Medicaid because she'd been unwise during that lookback period, her care would fall to the family or to neighbors until she could qualify. Once the situation was spelled out that way, and we determined a protocol for tracking expenses, the neighbors backed off. Knowing that their activities need, by law, to be transparent was enough motivation for them to knock off the overspending.

Since one of my sisters moved far away when it came down to helping my mother my younger sister and myself are left to take care of her. Mom had in place advanced directives that covered who would be her POA and when I would take over. I made a verbal agreement with my sister that I would maintain her checkbook and she would hold the credit card. Since mom is in a private home ALF I pay that bill and her medication bills. My sister buys and any thing that mom needs for her daily care. I can see the credit card statement anytime on line that I need to and she can see the bank account information online. I run all decisions past my sister so that we agree what to do for mom. I am doing all of this so that everything is transparent for the family and nothing is hidden. Having an Advanced directive is by far the best way to go when there are many siblings to consider. Some may only be focused what their inheritance will be. We are focused on using every dime of my mother's money on her!

As your mother's POA, you are the one who is legally responsible for providing a full accounting of your mother's income and expenses should it ever be asked for by someone with the legal standing to see that information, so this is something you need to get control of immediately!! I've been involved in a lawsuit against my brother based on his use of my mother's money when he was her POA. Until the court revoked his POA (my mother is incompetent and could not revoke it herself) he was using her $$ to pay college tuition for his children, pay his own insurance premiums, redecorate his house. I know just how difficult and painful the dynamics are when your sibling is helping himself to what is not his. It might be a good idea to take just a few minutes and read over the POA document to remind yourself of the authority it gives you.
You are her legal representative and can change her bank account (or accounts) by closing the existing ones and starting over again. I would involve the bank management by explaining the situation and asking for their recommendations as well. Since your brother is living with her he has access to her mail. I would rent a PO Box and have everything related to her finances sent to that address. You really have more authority to do whatever is necessary to protect your mother's interest than you realize. I know how unpleasant it can be when the person who feels 'entitled' is a sibling and how much harder it is to resolve the issue. Any action you take may likely make him angry, but since you have a fiduciary responsibility to make decisions based on your mother's best interest, consulting with an attorney would provide you with some legal support. I have also learned over the last four years how incredibly xpensive attorney fees can be so if their is an ElderLaw Clinic nearby or a Law School in your area that has a clinic I would start there. If your brother continues to put your mother at risk financially (and if he is able to do that without hesitation, I would wonder what kind of care she is getting from him) your last resort may be to apply for guardianship if your mother is incompetent. That is a road you can probably avoid if you switch into pro-active gear and just make it impossible for him to access your mother's money. If she is still making loans to him, you may need to have a serious conversation with her explaining to her that you are responsible for her financial well being and you have determined that she can no longer afford to make those loans. If you have enough information to come up with even an approximate total of her funds that have been used by your brother, she needs to see that if she is still in a place medically that she can understand what you are telling her.
Good luck......you can do this!!!!

and it sounds like your brother is the same

My brother and I share the POA but he and his wife have taken mom from her home as she isn't able to live alone anymore, yet he has her in a yes mode and he is insisting on keeping her house at her expense of course and I am not allowed to see her alone, he and his greedy wife fear I will take her to a lawyer and write them out of the will. I am sure they've already taken me off and put his kids and wife on soley. I haven't spoken to my mom in 2 mts now. it makes me upset to hear her want to go home and then she has a memory phaze where she tells me what she bought for my brother ..of course they drain her and she has no control. I am in Fl, she is now in NY so I've sort of just stepped back as my brother is an aggressive person and his wife a greedy woman. I'm too tired to fight nor do I have the resources to hire a lawyer. I wish I would know how to get someone to check on mom and question my brother about her "donations" to him. If I could take care of her I'd make sure she was in an environment that would keep her busy not in front of a tv all day.

I haven't had the experience but if this were goingon in my family I'd be at the attorney's office that helped me with the other paper work----if you have a legal problem it's best to invest in a good lawyer. Somebody like you brother needs a legal club hanging over his head--nothing you say is going to work---he's obviously being less then honorable now---don't expect change unless you have that big club....

my self and sister had the same problem with our brother who had my dad living with him our dad had a heart attack and needed 24 hours care so when he came out of the hospital he went to live with my sister . we found out that my dad was not taking his medication's and was not eating because my brother don't cook he work's m-f off on weekend his wife is home all day but don't do anything and my dad had 2 stoke also in his home they never take care of dad but my brother spend his money every month and guess on what horses he had my dad open a credit card rack up 3,000 on it so when my dad move in with my sister she take ny dad bank card my brother was very upset about that and she take the credit card and cut it up now the bal is 300.00 she paid it off so thats why i am saying close the account for your mom and open another one because my brother is all about money

close the account and open another one i have Poa for my mom the acc i have with my name and mom .first how old is your brother and dose he have a job? next question is who home it is? your brother or mom

I agree 100% with BIs0901. I have 5 siblings and one of my siblings always lived with mom and dad in their 3 family home. After dad passed away my sibling was caring for mom. But Mom being super giving was allowing him to do as he pleased. Until we found out that Mom had no money in her pocket and he was being very quite and secretive about telling us how things where going when it came to the money part. So I got the rest of the siblings together and decided to call a meeting and said from here on end I will take charge of mom's accounts keeping copies of monthly statements and every credit and debit will have a back up explanation. I will keep a binder with all the details to her spending and all siblings are welcome to review, question and voice any concerns there may be. We set a price for my mom's care per month. so who ever cares for mom that month gets a set price for caring for her. that price included housing, food. some of us do some extras without charge because we choose to do them. like take her to a doctor appt. or pamper mom with a new hair cut and so on. It's been working great, but I do have to tell you at the beginning it was very hard to get this to run smoothly. it helped having at least 3 of the 4 siblings backing me up on the decision to take control of the accounts. It's a lot of work in my part but at the end of the year when my siblings see the account grow due to the rents deposits and things just running smoothly it makes it all worth it. my sibling that was in charge before me did not speak to me for several years but he has come around, now that he understands that what goes for one sibling will go for all. we are all children of the same mother so her money what ever is left one day should be spread equally among us. even though some of us do more for mom then others. we still deserve the same share in the end.

Can't you just go to the bank, tell them you want that particular ATM card stopped and have another one issued to you and change the access code? Also, I had the card in my hand, went up to the ATM, followed some simple instructions and changed the code right there.

If you have POA that gives YOU the power over the bank account. Go to the bank, show them your POA, and change the accounts, and stop the debit cards.

You also can cancel that ATM card. As I understand, your mother does not go to the bank any more. There is no need for her to have one. Your brother will have learn how to manage money instead of dipping into mom's account every time he wants something.

see your attorney. he may require that an account be opened up that provides you with a monthly bank statement. bro will watch his spending if he knows its all on record. of course a crook knows to deal only in cash so heads up on that likelyhood.