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I am tired, even when I'm when wide awake. It's the kind of tired that seeps into your bones. I am not in physical pain but I feel like everywhere I turn, I am disappointing someone. My mother lives with me and is somewhat independent but not very. I feel like her personality is changing and she doesn't see it. She is in a lot of physical pain, diabetic, arthritic, and early stage dementia. I feel like she is extremely critical and constantly focusing on things I 'do wrong' or could do better but doesn't see any of her own issues. If I bring them up, she says blames her physical problems. I get that she is in pain and it's hard to know that you may be losing your control of your mind. I do not think she gets the responsibility she places on my shoulders every single day.

She can walk extremely short distances and occasionally does dishes, a light cooking of a meal, or folds laundry, everything else I do. I schedule her doctor appts and make she sure gets to them, I drop her off at the door of the clinic and push her in a wheelchair all the hospital, I do the majority of the talking to her doctors, I park her at the door of the clinic and go get the car. I carry her purse when she walks in and out of the house to the car, I back into the driveway so that she can get out on her side. I go to the store and get all the food, I make sure she takes her insulin, I pull her pants up after she goes bathroom because she can't reach behind her. I do all the laundry, I carry everything, I make sure her meds are filled and picked up. I make numerous phone calls on her behalf every week. I do all the shopping. I make sure all the bills are paid.

I listen to her cry when she is in pain. I listen to the same stories over and over and over til I can repeat them by heart. When she is searching for a word to say, I help her figure out what it is. I answer the same questions over and over. I remind her where she is, who is with her and what is actually going on. I calm her down if she has a bad dream. I make sure she wears her seatbelt in the car and I make sure the doors are locked because she occasionally tries to open the door when driving, I watch where she puts her hands in the car because she will occasionally grab the gear shift and yank it, I make sure she turns the car light off when she gets out because she always turns it on and forgets to shut off and it will wear down the battery.

I try to be sensitive to her feelings and not make her feel guilty or that she is limited or that I don't trust her. I try not to burden her and handle things myself. I listen to her talk for hours when I just want some silence. I am sitting here crying silently because she is asleep on the couch and I don't want her to wake and ask why I'm crying. I feel like i am watching someone I love die slowly and I feel guilty because I just want some peace.

I feel like all I do is listen to her talk about her feelings and I have to stuff mine in. If I ever complain about her she will say something like 'well maybe I'll be dead soon and you won't have to deal with it anymore'. I told her I thought she needed a friend or some other than me to talk to occasionally, one of her sisters or someone who is also old and in pain or dealing with the same health problems. Someone to complain about me to or just share with, I feel like she is lonely and putting all of her needs on me. Even all her conversation needs!

There is a tone of implied criticism in many things she says, maybe she doesn't mean it to come out that way but it does. Like yesterday, I was worried about something and it was like she was angry that I'd be worried and she wished I knew 'my rights' and didn't get upset. It was like she was implying it was a failing on my part to be worried, even though I have been through similar things before. Then there is the outright criticism of all the things I don't do or how I don't understand what her life is like. I know almost every facet of this person's life, I can almost tell you what she is going to say before she says it.

I do zone out when she's talking, I completely admit that. I do put off some things or not fill her in all my plans. I do this because she won't remember them or get them mixed anyways. It's a complete waste of time to give her more than small bits of information or to inform her of more than the next day's activities. I don't do everything she asks the minute she asks for it, because I have my own sh!t to do too.

She's so negative, and seems to look for the 'bad' thing to always happen or all bad possible consequences. It's frustrating and exhausting to listen too. I don't think I can express frustration because it's 'not fair' that she is the way she is. I just have to accept and work around it because there is no other option. Right?

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Wow....what a question. I'm not sure you are able to stop being exhausted. I take care of mom, dad, and grandsons when they are sick and parents have to work. I have friends, a great husband, church community and my faith is very strong. Your body is under attack. We are not meant to do so much fighting and multi tasking but we push on and keep on doing for others. I DO try to put my feet up as often as I can. I might be making lists or my mind might be racing with things to do but at least I'm resting with my feet up. I watch a little mush tv (something with no substance or drama) to take my mind off of everything. And every once in a while.....ONCE....I might get a night out for dinner. This all sounds so dire but I believe (and I said this in another post) that we are like the military. Everyday our minds and bodies are under attack and some of us come out better than the others. Try, if you can, to get away during the day just for yourself. I use to go to Walgreens of all places and just go up and down the aisles just to look at stuff to get my mind off of things before I would have to go back to the house. Walgreens....when I would make my escape (when living with both parents) it was like I was going to Neiman Marcus or something. :)) They are both in different facilities now so 2 trips to different places. My dad calls me......ok, all the time for different things. My mom is in end stage and not doing well so daily trips to be with her and talk with hospice. It's draining and emotional to see someone you love like that. It draining and emotional to get the phone calls to see if he has 24.95 in his checking acct. However, I have to say that after everything I've been through in the last 7 years, there will be a void in my life when it's over. I will have to find something to do with my time just like people who retire do. Reinvent myself. Heck, I might even run for President. I can't be any worse than what is going on right now can I?? :))) Anyway, as always, good luck finding your relaxation point and may God Bless and keep you strong.
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The one thing I would have changed while caregiving to my mother is that I would actually sit down to eat. I never did when I lived out of state with her. I just grabbed a bite while I was running past to do another task.
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I feel like I am reading my own story as well. My mother resisted assisted living - until she wound up in the hospital. From there things went downhill quickly. They wanted to do brain surgery! She had fallen and wound up with a subdural hematoma (I hope I spelled that correctly). After being advised by one surgeon, when I asked what he would do if this were his mother, and from the size of the hematoma among other things, he said he wouldn't do anything. That is the course we chose. Very long story short...she wound up having to live in a skilled nursing facility (read: nursing home) for physical therapy. She improved so much that I was able to get her into an assisted living place. A beautiful place! Everyone is happy there and always treats me like I'm an old friend. Even the residents all knew my mom's name! Well, my mom did have a fit and was so angry, I thought the stress would kill me, but she could not live on her own any more (dementia and wasn't very stable). She refused to go downstairs for meals and would not associate with anyone. One particularly rough day I went to the administrators office crying, not knowing what to do. I work full time and can't afford to quit...or I would! She got the nurse who assured me that what my mother was doing was "normal" She said she was grieving for what could never be again. That helped me understand a little better so I could be a little more compassionate. She would come around. I didn't believe it but she actually did! When mom told me she wanted to go home the last time, I got a little strong with her (because I was at my wits end and didn't know how else to handle the situation - I'm an only child so I had no help) and I told her that she would never be able to live in her home any more because she was no longer physically able to. She lived in a beautiful place with so many nice people and she needed to appreciate that because the hospital she had been diagnosed with a subdural hematoma in told me this would never be possible. We were blessed that she was able to still be semi-independent! Slowly she came around and now actually has meals and conversation with the other residents. She's even participated in some of their activities. I almost fell off my work chair when I heard that news! So, never say never! Because of my mother's fall and the following medical problem that developed, it made it easier (the only solution) to get her to an assisted living place and out of that nursing home (she loved the people that worked there and her roommate, that part was difficult for her when she left). Good luck to you all...care giving sucks the very life from us and everyone tells us to take care of ourselves but our loved ones seem to take every "spare" minute that we may have by having us have to do something for them. They are scared and we are overwhelmed. I keep trying to remember to enjoy my time with my mother (I still see her 5 or 6 times a week...I am hoping to make it 4 or 5 times and to only have dinner with her there once a week. That was what was suggested to me by staff so I allow her to develop relationships with the other residents. Plus, she uses me as a crutch which isn't good. I love my mother and I do miss her. I call her every day, whether I'm going there after work or not. If we have a family function, I make sure I pick her up that day so she is with all of us. She is still the matriarch of our family, even though she doesn't remember much. It's more like having a child with me than my mother. She does remember all of us and how much she loves us and we all know how much we love her so I do the best I can to make sure she has what she needs and the best I can at what she wants and make sure she knows how much I love her and always will. God bless everyone on their journey's!
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My heart goes out to you. My brother and I take care of Mom and Dad in our home both are 94. Although we have lots of struggles both my Mom and Dad realize how much we have given up to help them live in a house for final years instead of a nursing home. Both are grateful. It is sad but when they are gone I think we will grieve terribly. However, I may look back and realize the best years were the ones we shared with them.

So my heart goes out to all but know you are doing "Gods work" and the right thing.

Take care
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All of our situations might be different but we all have your back. Thank goodness for this site. Hugs....
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So much pain...the person who sacrifices the most..out of a sense of kindness and caring...is the least appreciated and seldom supported. Then there's the emotional abuse..of the one you're trying to help. And now here comes the guilt and anger. Forget venting to sibling who rarely if ever.."show up". Don't even go there.....I really think we need a support system..therapy ...something. My husband says my mom is ruining the harmony of our home...and he's right....even when she gets into her senior apartment...I know she's going to need help...lots of it. I plan on seeing what outside sources are available ....I feel myself slipping in a hole...I struggle not to slide in.....mom is coming coming back from my brothers tomorrow after being gone for 3 weeks..I'm getting anxious...
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Boy, I took off 1 week to get away after not getting away for such a long time and I come back to my same life. Mom.... in facility for dementia/Alzheimer's.....clothes, meds, hospice, etc. Dad......finances, drs. appts. him worrying and not remembering what we had just talked about. Grand kids 3 times a week. I didn't sleep well for 7 nights, come back and start in. Oh well, such is life and I'll try to get good sleep tonight for tomorrow. Good luck and God Bless everyone.....
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Rachel i think we have the some mother! I have thought for years that if she was told one of us six kids died (heaven forbid!) her response would be "oh God, this will kill me for sure" EVERYTHING is about her. Good luck sis!
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Oh Rainmom you have so much to handle on a daily basis between your own family and Mom I feel so bad..

I wish I could help.. I hope your brothers step up and support you while you're recovering..

Giant hug to you....
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Just three days ago my two brothers and I met to discuss my mom, her financial situation, health situation and what my middle brother needed to know regarding taking over my role as DPOA and head personal slave should something happen to me - I'll be having major surgery in about two months. My oldest brother does not have a good relationship with our mother and isn't really looking to fix that. Towards the end of our meeting the subject of visiting came up as I won't be able to visit for at least two weeks post surgery and it will leave a hole in my mothers care and social interaction. Although the fact of the matter is lately I have a hard time catching mom awake - still I visit 2 - 3 times a week and stay for at least a hour. Even though my oldest brother lives locally he only visits mom a few times a year. Middle brother and I had hoped oldest brother would step up and visit more while I'm out of the picture. Oldest brother said "no". This lead to talking about forgiveness. I stated that I am working to let go of all the anger I feel towards our mom. Middle brother had trouble understanding how I could be mad/hurt over things said in the past few years due to moms dementia. So yes, just let it roll off my back!?! The thing is - at least for me - it still hurts. It still hurts even though I KNOW it's mainly the illness talking. A few months ago my mom said to me that she wished I had never been born. For five years now I have lived my life around my mothers. My heslth has suffered, my relationship with my son and husband has suffered - and she wishes I had never been born!?! It's hurts. It will probably hurt until the day I die. I just don't know how to let a statement like that roll off my back - and truthfully, I hope I never become so unfeeling and callous that I become able to.
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I wish it were so easy. She is a very dominant woman. I wouldn't put it past her to destroy what I did and give me total h3ll for a long time. I have to consider what something is worth to me before I do it. I choose battles carefully because I am teetering on walking away. I don't want to give her any more opportunity to be evil than I have to. If she tore up my work I would have to respond.
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JessieBell, just my two cents but I think it's lovely that you were planning a flower bed project and ridiculous of her to try to take over it. I would defy her and buy some containers and stick the flowers in there!
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You are an amazing caring loving wonderful daughter!
However you need some help. Please try to get someone to come in and give you a break. Take care of you so that you can care for her. If she has some money it should be spent on things that would make both of your lives easier. Housekeeping, delivery of meals now and then. Companion care that comes in and plays cards, crochets together or what ever her interests are. When she has something to look forward to she may be a little less depressed and less critical of you.
Bless you and take care!
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Control -- heavy sigh. I got the new liner in today for the flower bed I'm planning. She told me she didn't think it would be high enough to keep the water from flowing over it. She thought it was bought as a retaining wall between the neighbors and us. I tried to explain that it was for my Figure-8 plot, that it was a project I planned. She said that no, it was her project and I was going to put it between us and the neighbors.

Needless to say, Figure-8 project has been put on hold until she shakes the idea from her head. This is so bizarre that she couldn't allow me to have my own thing without giving battle. I really don't care about the project, but the mix of mental illness and dementia can be hard to figure out. I think it's mainly possessiveness (her house, her yard) and control.
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Jessiebelle - there are many ways to release. Strenuous exercise, yelling/singing/crying in a private place, talking to God. Everyone needs a non-judgemental friend they can talk to. But you are correct - it's the long haul that takes it's toll. Everyone needs respite to keep going. And it's important to keep some control over your life.
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Jessiebell, that is totally true that it seems like we are just expected to let it roll off our back. And she isn't constantly negative, she has periods of good moods. It just seems like most of the time she's looking for something to b!tch about. Today she thought her legs were falling asleep so I asked if she had walked much and she said no. So she finally gets up and immediately started walking through the house pointing out everything I hadn't gotten done yet. But I was also working today and filling out a bunch of paperwork for her and us, and now I'm going out to the store because she wants something from there. She is in a good mood now but half the time I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I totally do withhold information sometimes because it does no good for her to know or for me to re-explain things that she wont remember 18 times.
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Deep breathing is very, very important. I never realized this until I saw Teepa Snow's video. As caregivers of people with dementia, our risk factor of getting dementia through stress is raised by at least 50%. When dealing with them, we're on 24 hours survival mode. Survival mode is Not suppose to be 24/7 because it can change our brain - for the worse. It's also been proven through studies that deep breathing Does change our brain. So, to counteract against the constant frustrations of holding your breathe (to prevent harsh words from coming out) and gritting your teeth (hence holding back the needed oxygen for our brain) ...Teepa recommends deep cleansing breathing 5 times a day - 3 deep ones at a time.

My therapist says that we need for our wellbeing a social/emotional and spiritual outlet. My emotional- is here on AC. I can vent my frustrations here because I Know that you all have an idea of what I'm going through. I have learned that it's best not to vent too much detail, repeatedly, because it causes others here on AC to be frustrated on me for not being proactive with my vents. My social partner is my sister - where we can go out shopping, eating, or just lazing around at her house. I'm lacking the spiritual one.

Jessiebelle - I'm terrible at preventing emotional drain. I do believe that I need to work on - Emotionally Detaching. I haven't googled to find out How to do that.
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I was re-reading what Bookluvr wrote above. They are such wise words and I have been thinking about these things today. We caregivers are told to not react and to let things roll off our backs. We face anger and belittlement each day when we are with a difficult person. We do so much, but get little appreciation. We get a lot of criticism and a lot in the way of gaslighting. But we are told to absorb it all to help keep the elder comfortable. The take-home message here is that the elder is the important one and if we are not totally submissive, then we are not being a good caregiver. We get mixed messages that we shouldn't tolerate abuse, but when abuse happens we should let it roll off our back. This is okay for a week or a few months, but many of us are in it for the long haul. All the negative really builds up in us. We are only human. It is not healthy for us to hold all this bad stuff inside.

So how do we dispel it without doing harm? And really, is it healthy for us to keep doing it? We all like the idea of helping our elders, but some of them are very difficult. What do we do when there is no one to help and we can't get the person to think about AL or respite? How do we deal with the anger and resentment in a good way that clears the bad effects from our bodies? If someone were to measure my cortisol level, they would probably find it through the roof.

How do we keep from getting so emotionally exhausted working with a difficult parent?
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rachael: And yes, they will want to start an argument. It's their defense mechanism!
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Well, does anyone really want to be told "you did something wrong/you lost something?" Certainly not!
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Thank you for all the answers! I do think she doesn't want to admit that she is losing touch with a lot of things. It's hard to point out when something she's saying doesn't make sense because then she thinks I'm saying she's 'crazy'. I can usually figure out where some of her thoughts come from and it might be a mistake, but I try to help her rationalize why she's thinking that way. I think I have made a mistake doing this because now she can hardly see when she's wrong and I may have justifying her behavior? My sister called last night to talk about a situation with our brother and I let my mom talk to her and within like two minutes she almost started an argument. It's like she only sees things in terms of how they affect her, is that normal?

I took my nieces and nephews bowling the other night and I invited one of my mom's sisters to come with us. My aunt came and sat with my mom talking the whole time, which was nice, but a couple times I had to police what my mom was saying to her. This aunt spent her whole life taking care of their mom and she passed away last year. My aunt and my grandma were extremely close, my mom and my grandma were not. My mom has a lot of resentment toward my grandma and when grandma was on hospice we visited a few times and my mom is convinced grandma was pretending to be asleep while she was there. Anyway, she started to ask my aunt if grandma was pretending to be asleep and I had to interrupt and steer the conversations to something else. I've tried explaining to her multiple times that I don't think grandma would do that or was even with it enough to fake sleep at that point. Also, I dont think it's fair for her to try to trashtalk grandma to my aunt, who gave her whole life to grandma. Is this obsessing normal? Why would she even ask that?
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OMG-When moving out of state and in with my late Mother to provide care for her, I felt like running away from home but it wasn't even my home! Every night I would work to clean the house up and she would mess it ALL up EVERY day! I did the best I could and at least can hold my head high unlike my brother who only stayed a few days while I was there for 6 months!!
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Full moon is almost out. I love leaving work at 5:30pm and seeing the full moon in daylight. Yesterday, I paused to admire how pretty it is before hauling the office trash bag into the trashbin and going home.... Books temporary take me away from my situation....
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The same applies to holding it all in. Except it's worse. You hold it in and the resentment and anger builds up. Then you explode. You either let it all out spewing all over. Or you collapse from a stroke, heart attack, nervous breakdown. Or worse kill yourself and/or her. Best to vent your frustrations instead of keeping it all in. And be proactive in finding what small happiness/joy you can find for yourself.
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They usually don't stop to think that it may only take 3 seconds to say "I need you to do this," but several hours to get it done. I look back over last week and realize I spent a total of 3 working days doing extra things that were "needed." Then I don't have any time left over in the day for my own work, so I do it in the evening a lot of times. I try to not do things that seem silly, but Mom can be like a badger when she doesn't get her way. It is easier to do things than it is to listen to her. I always hope she'll forget, but she remembers anything I want her to forget. She only forgets what she needs to remember.

We spent Saturday afternoon here at Urgent Care and getting antibiotics for a UTI. The doctor said that there might be the start of a UTI, so gave a shot and a prescription. After we got back from the doctor, there were no more signs of a UTI -- no frequent urination and all focus was on going to church the next morning. I knew that there was no UTI. It was just a revival of the old days of wanting to go to a doctor. She has no conscience left about wasting time and money. She has no concept of me. She is always telling me that I don't do anything all day long, even on long days filled with chores.

I read the other day that complaining too much can make us ill. I guess I should quit complaining and just buck up under it. Really I wonder if having too much to complain about is what makes us sick.
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I'm emotionally and physically exhausted! It's non stop, " will you get me this, get me that, make me food, call my Dr, prescriptions, water, cofee, help with this or that, and I've only just walked away from his (my FIL'S) door! Sometimes I tiptoe around so he can't hear me, just so he'll leave me alone! Everyday, he has something new he wants from the market, and I think it's something he's seen on TV, but he doesn't get that we are tired of doing for him, 24/freaking 7! We didn't sign up for this! 12 years ago, when he initially moved in, he was healthy, driving, independent, and our lives were SUPPOSED TO carry on, and We were to go out and Do, exactly what we wanted, CARRY ON! But now, he's 86, and his body is plain tired out, and he Never stops asking and asking, and now have physical limitations, I'm tired too! Plus of course, I have many other family obligations to deal with, like my Daughter's upcoming wedding! Now just when am I going to fit that in? It's been really bad lately, and hopefully will get better, so hopefully this is just a rant, and our lives will return to some semblance of the previous normal, before he got this GI ilness, or what HE thinks is an illness, but I think it's just his new excuse to boss us around even more! I'm sick of caregiving! Rant over!
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rachael29, reading your post was like reading my own thoughts. My dad has moderate phase Alzheimer's, diabetes, and stable stage 3 chronic kidney disease. He's 83 years old but believes he's 81. After my mom passed in June 2015, I became his full time caregiver. I lived in his home with him. He wanted me to do things like he and my mom did things but I'm not like them. Nothing I did pleased him and this has been the story our whole lives. It's difficult dealing with the conflicting emotions (guilt, pity, anger, and compassion) while being on 24-hour alert and managing responsibility for their life and your own, without any help or appreciation from the person you're caring for or from other family and friends who you thought cared about you and your family member but are nowhere to be found. I reached a point where I was exhausted, too. During a conversation with a financial planner, I realized that I defined our lives as "one" when, in fact, there are two separate people involved here: the person who is being cared for and the caregiver. My financial planner told me I was describing our situation as if it were "one picture" but he saw two people's circumstances: one person who had some savings but not nearly enough to cover the care that they needed, and one person who would need to go back to work in the next six months or declare bankruptcy. He warned that declaring bankruptcy at my age would be something from which I would likely be unable to recover and I would be in no position to help my dad financially when his assets are depleted. I had already tried respite in one AL facility and through neglect on the part of the staff, he ended up in the ER. I managed to find another AL where he's actually very well cared for. He's been there for a month and a half and I received a job offer last week. My dad is actually calmer and more confident now than he was when we were together 24/7 and getting on each other's nerves constantly. I visit him every day so far and, when he becomes critical, passive aggressive, or negative, I remind him how his comments affect him and me and let him know that I'm going to leave for now and will be back tomorrow. He's less negative now than he has been and is beginning to acknowledge that the "pros" of AL outweigh the "cons." At first, he continually asked "when am I getting out of here?" I would ask if he really wanted to come home and we'd talk about what that looks like (because he can't remember). I realized he meant he wanted to come home and be with Mom and, without Mom, home doesn't have the same appeal. He said recently that he starts to think he wants to come home but he knows he can't stay alone and hiring someone to stay with him would be too expensive. What I'm trying to say is, it takes a lot of work and vigilance but AL can be a lifesaver (no exaggeration). When he depletes his assets, we will use a local day program (which he disliked but it will be our only option) because his SSA benefits exceed our state's Medicaid limit but aren't enough to pay for the AL. I'm praying that something will change in the mean time (I'll find a way to increase my income so I can continue to pay for his care or I'll establish myself in the job so that I can afford to buy his home and give him another 1.5 years in AL). Thank you for asking the question and for articulating the frustration I have been feeling for at least the past 10 months.
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I know it must be so hard to have her live with you and hear negative remarks all the time. My dad lived with it for many years with my mom before he had his heart attack. While he was recovering I lived with them and saw exactly what he was going through first hand instead of just listening to him every evening when he would call me in secret while mom was sitting on the front porch. I lived with them for six mos before mom became uncontrollable and had to be put in a facility what we thought would be a couple of weeks just to get some rest but instead for 6 years. Is there anyway you can get professional help in a couple times a week to relieve you? One thing for sure.....you can NOT let her get to you. Whatever she says she is not in her right mind. DON'T argue trying to explain yourself. It just wears you down and does nothing for her. It's like arguing with a 3 year old. You're brain knows what is right but her's is starting to fail. You have got to bring in help for more than an hour or 2. Look into adult day care. talk to social worker. Look into financial aid or medicaid or elder care attny. This is a long journey and you need help with this. So to keep your health you need professional help. Good Luck and God Bless Many prayers to you and your mom.
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Stress relief efforts can help, but I don't think that I'll ever stop being emotionally exhausted till I'm no longer responsible for my dad (when he passes away or when I do).
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I thought I was reading my own diary. Hang in there. I take it a day at a time. For me - my work, yoga, meditation, and exercise 2-3 times a week have All of I provided help or Distraction. And most importantly - deep breathing in moments of stress and exhaustion. And I almost forgot - daily prayer. You are not alone on this journey. This too shall pass.
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