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I am tired, even when I'm when wide awake. It's the kind of tired that seeps into your bones. I am not in physical pain but I feel like everywhere I turn, I am disappointing someone. My mother lives with me and is somewhat independent but not very. I feel like her personality is changing and she doesn't see it. She is in a lot of physical pain, diabetic, arthritic, and early stage dementia. I feel like she is extremely critical and constantly focusing on things I 'do wrong' or could do better but doesn't see any of her own issues. If I bring them up, she says blames her physical problems. I get that she is in pain and it's hard to know that you may be losing your control of your mind. I do not think she gets the responsibility she places on my shoulders every single day.

She can walk extremely short distances and occasionally does dishes, a light cooking of a meal, or folds laundry, everything else I do. I schedule her doctor appts and make she sure gets to them, I drop her off at the door of the clinic and push her in a wheelchair all the hospital, I do the majority of the talking to her doctors, I park her at the door of the clinic and go get the car. I carry her purse when she walks in and out of the house to the car, I back into the driveway so that she can get out on her side. I go to the store and get all the food, I make sure she takes her insulin, I pull her pants up after she goes bathroom because she can't reach behind her. I do all the laundry, I carry everything, I make sure her meds are filled and picked up. I make numerous phone calls on her behalf every week. I do all the shopping. I make sure all the bills are paid.

I listen to her cry when she is in pain. I listen to the same stories over and over and over til I can repeat them by heart. When she is searching for a word to say, I help her figure out what it is. I answer the same questions over and over. I remind her where she is, who is with her and what is actually going on. I calm her down if she has a bad dream. I make sure she wears her seatbelt in the car and I make sure the doors are locked because she occasionally tries to open the door when driving, I watch where she puts her hands in the car because she will occasionally grab the gear shift and yank it, I make sure she turns the car light off when she gets out because she always turns it on and forgets to shut off and it will wear down the battery.

I try to be sensitive to her feelings and not make her feel guilty or that she is limited or that I don't trust her. I try not to burden her and handle things myself. I listen to her talk for hours when I just want some silence. I am sitting here crying silently because she is asleep on the couch and I don't want her to wake and ask why I'm crying. I feel like i am watching someone I love die slowly and I feel guilty because I just want some peace.

I feel like all I do is listen to her talk about her feelings and I have to stuff mine in. If I ever complain about her she will say something like 'well maybe I'll be dead soon and you won't have to deal with it anymore'. I told her I thought she needed a friend or some other than me to talk to occasionally, one of her sisters or someone who is also old and in pain or dealing with the same health problems. Someone to complain about me to or just share with, I feel like she is lonely and putting all of her needs on me. Even all her conversation needs!

There is a tone of implied criticism in many things she says, maybe she doesn't mean it to come out that way but it does. Like yesterday, I was worried about something and it was like she was angry that I'd be worried and she wished I knew 'my rights' and didn't get upset. It was like she was implying it was a failing on my part to be worried, even though I have been through similar things before. Then there is the outright criticism of all the things I don't do or how I don't understand what her life is like. I know almost every facet of this person's life, I can almost tell you what she is going to say before she says it.

I do zone out when she's talking, I completely admit that. I do put off some things or not fill her in all my plans. I do this because she won't remember them or get them mixed anyways. It's a complete waste of time to give her more than small bits of information or to inform her of more than the next day's activities. I don't do everything she asks the minute she asks for it, because I have my own sh!t to do too.

She's so negative, and seems to look for the 'bad' thing to always happen or all bad possible consequences. It's frustrating and exhausting to listen too. I don't think I can express frustration because it's 'not fair' that she is the way she is. I just have to accept and work around it because there is no other option. Right?

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It doesn't sound as though this is a good situation for either of you, does it?

How did this come about? Did you move her into your home? With what understanding? Are you being paid room and board and something for your caregiving? How much respite do you get each week?

What activities does your mom go to? Senior Ceenter, exercise class? How is her pain being managed? Have you looked into Assisted Living? I ask that because she sounds bored.

You sound very worn out. Have you been to your doctor recently? Talked about the strain that you're under?

It's good to vent, and this is a good safe place to do it. If it helps, great! But sometimes, you also need to know that there are steps that can be taken to better a bad situation.
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You are doing a marvellous job looking after your mother, and seeing to all of her needs. I take my hat off to you!! However, you have to learn to take 'time out' for yourself. It's hard to even do that, but it is so important. When do you have a break from your mother? When she is sleeping, whether it is a sleep during the day or at night when she goes to bed. You cannot keep giving and giving without something breaking. Do yourself a favour and try to get 'time out', whether an interest, or coffee with a friend, reading a book at night, a walk down the road. Do you have other family than might have your Mum for a short time at all? All the best, Arlene Hutcheon
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I'm struggling with this issue in some ways too and I don't think there's an easy answer, but there is an answer. I'm trying to work myself up to it. They have wants and they have needs. They want for you to be a constant companion and to dump every worry, fear, and negative feeling they have on you so they can feel better or comforted. This is the part that is emotionally exhausting and that we can set boundaries around. I think you need to put a space/time limit around how much of this talk from your mother you listen to before you come up with an excuse to cut the conversation short. Also you need space and a place to feel your own feelings - probably some kind of respite if you have it? Also it's not crazy to say this is too much for you and to look into assisted living options where your mother would have a lot more people to interact with.
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I was exhausted reading all this so I know you are doing it every day! You have caregiver fatigue!!! It's hard enough to have to use all your reserves to take care of someone and be on the alert, but then to be around the negativity it s HUGE drain. You do not have to take it and you must seek another way to live and yet be a daughter. You are no longer a daughter, you are an aide, nurse, chauffeur, personal assistant, maid, confessor, dumping ground, etc. I hope you will be able to first go see your doctor. Mine was a huge help when I was so mentally worn out and she was the one who insists my dad needed Asssited Living. I found it hard to be caring, I was so exhausted and he didn't even live with me. Boundaries mean you decide what you can and can not do or tolerate. You need them for sanity. It is not good for you to be around negativity and constant complaints. The lonely elderly begin to narrow their focus so that they are the center of the universe and do not see anyone else as having needs. They also use family as complaint central. You have a choice...remember that. Whether it's in home help, checking your mom into a respite bed at a SNF for a week so you have a break, or move her to ALF. Do see someone to help you make a first step and decision.
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I feel the same way, Rachel. Emotionally tired. I think you hit the nail on the head. I sleep a lot and I know it is because I am depressed a little. My husband is in the nursing home after having Alzheimer's for 10 years already. Only the last 5 were bad. Now he is just existing in the home. Can't say or understand anything. I feel drained after a visit of sitting there for a couple of hours and really doing nothing, just sitting and stroking his face or his back, arm. I want to touch him because I know he is the man I love so dearly. That is basically all I have left. I am back into life and doing things, participating in activities, Soup Kitchen, Bible Study, church, movies occasionally, friend outings. But I am so tired all the time. It is emotionally exhausting watching my husband slowly fade away. I just wish he would fall asleep and it would be over! I don't know how to get rid of the tiredness either.
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I was on an antidepressant, but it made me even MORE tired. It was horrible!
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Rachel you really need a break. My husband went to respite care for a week last summer, It was wonderfully refreshing but not long enough. It would be a start for you, but a nursing home would be the best. I hope I can really get over this and back to normal. My health is starting to deteriorate now and I am feeling down. But we heard a great sermon on Perseverance this week in church. Perseverance to run the entire race. God Bless you for all you have already done.
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Rachel I when I read your post, it sounded like I had written it myself! I'm dealing with the exact same issues and I know it's easy to say place them in assisted living , they'll do fine. Not so easy, my mother wouldn't do fine, she'd cry her eyes out and would have to be forced to leave her room. That would be more stressful on me then the current situation. So I guess we have to pick our poison. For now, I choose living with stress but not guilt, though of course as caregivers, guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.
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For all the caregivers ready this thread, make your decisions NOW. Let your loved ones know that you want to be placed in appropriate facilities when you're no longer able to care for yourself. Take the burden of this difficult decision off your family. It will be the greatest gift you can give someone your care for. Give them their life to live!
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Rachel..your story could be mine also..after awhile you just can't think straight. You shut down emotionally ..I'm sure it's burnout..you won't be able to go on this way much longer at this rate. Physically or mentally. You just won't ...as a caregiver you are doing above and beyond ..not to be appreciated and having to deal with negativity..and criticism ..makes it unbearable. What about some adult daycare a couple days a week? It's not a permanent cure...but for me a break now and then helps a lot. my mom is with my brother for a few weeks...I'm sure she's not happy there...cried the day she went..but it was very necessary..if I'm going to continue to help her until she gets into senior housing..I'm just praying she will still be able to move in to her apartment when it's available..I know having her own life us what we both want...
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Rachel - beautifully written expression. I feel it, too - my father is not a negative person and is in good health,,,but it is a drain and as bad as having a perpetually small child with no break. I was just thinking last night how nice it would be if I could just go to a grocery store by myself for 15 minutes.

So....how to cope? It's easy to say "put mom in assisted living" - but not easy to even consider - unless Mom's physical & mental issues need full-time professional care. But I think your Mom probably needs some distraction to give you some distance & quiet. Can you find out if any of the local agencies on aging have a "buddy" program? Folks who come visit the elderly once a week for an hour or two. Will Mom go out to a Senior Center for lunch or to take a writing class on occasion? Does Mom like movies - I find that streaming an on-demand movie from my cable TV or a Netflix movie ($8 per month) will give me about 2 hours to drink a cup of coffee and read a magazine in peace. Does Mom like to be outside? Spring is coming - maybe sitting on the porch soaking up some sun while you plant petunias in the yard will give you a peaceful afternoon (and make mama sleepy).

I can't offer you much in magic solutions - I struggle with this myself. But I can identify with you and tell you that you're doing the right thing, even though it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. Be proud of yourself & be sure to be kind to yourself.
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Take care. I know too what you are struggling with. I am taking care of both my mom and dad who are in their 90's with my brother. We both work and not really jobs but pay checks and take care of them. Respite sounds good but it breaks the routine and getting others involved just makes it more complicated. There are no good answer but to try to hang on. I constantly wonder how long my job will last but can't because I know I am doing the only thing I can.

At this stage the waits for nursing homes are too long and hospice is the only choice so it will get worse. I just try to hope that someday it will get better.

There ought to be better solutions for end of life but doesn't seem to be in our society.

Take care.
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you do out of love, but you are also mentally drained. get some respite help to give you time away or get something lined up for you to either get some depression meds to help you cope or find a way to get your mother out to a daycare a couple times a week. it will help a little but other than either having someone else to come in and care for her or place into an assisted living where she can be around others. wishing you luck.
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I was lucky to find out about the Gould assessment. They evaluated my mom and qualified her for 14 hours or caregiving a week with another 2 hours of respite for me. They pay for the hours and it has helped tremendously. If you don't have the funds, please look into this. Just google Gould assessment and a nurse will come evaluate your mom. Also aid and assistance through the VA if either parent was in the military. They also have funds available to help with care. Leave no stone unturned. My mom doesn't like anyone coming in but I told her she had no choice. It's the best thing that has happened to me so far. My life is not great but it's much better than it was. Please please please caregivers, check it out!! Best of luck to all the earthly angels that are on this difficult path.
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My husband went to an adult day health program two or three times a week. Good stimulation for him, necessary respite for me. A van picked him up and brought him home. He had a hot lunch there, plenty of activities and the opportunity to rest quietly or read if he didn't care for the activity going on, or if he was tired.

I cannot say enough good things about such programs.
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Lots to consider, just that it sounds as if you are looking for a rational solution, some judge or arbiter who will say, "you are doing enough and you (to your mom), don't complain, praise more, and plan more of your own activities."

Even if you're right, it's true that she is deteriorating, and you may realize it before she does. I've found that it is exhaustion that taught me how to set my boundaries and limits, for I also felt that it matters that love is included in my effort to care. If genuine love or respect is lost because I'm tired, afraid or resentful, it is in the interests of the whole relationship, which does not heal, I believe, unless love is there - but love is not just a lovely feeling of accommodating someone else all the time - it's only the result of making a decision at SOME times to accommodate and try, and otherwise to separate.

I'd suggest, that if you find yourself zoning out as she talks, try to end the talks then, rather than pretend and resent. Tell her, "sorry, I'd like to understand but I can't follow right now, I'm tired or thinking of something else. I'll leave for a while, see you in a couple of hours.

Take time to experiment with what time do you want and need, instead of focusing on how she should behave, or imagining how you should. Yes, she should behave more nicely, but if you managed the contact explicitly, made a minute or two to listen - but stopped her when she began to elaborate on negatives or give too many requests or complaints in a row - I used to tell the old lady, that I'm glad to be there and care about her and am trying to help as best I can, and it's also not my job to listen her criticize me, so I'll leave now, and come and check on her later (and take a break. Sometimes even 10 min apart was enough for her to collect herself and be nicer. then do one or two more tasks, and plan breaks, and enough days for yourself also.) Focusing on creating positive additions to the home, rather than on interpreting what's wrong, can maybe help - and if LOTS more break time is needs, start making lists of locations, people to talk with, about getting that!
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((Hugs)) to you. Your story is my story. After 16 years of taking care of my mom, I have finally reached the point of burnout. I don't know your financial/supportive situation, but I decided to work an extra day@ my job& pay for a wonderful caregiver to relieve me for 2 days. Of course, as expected,mom cried & laid the mandatory guilt on me, but I am in survival mode now( I guess I'm a slow learner in this instance,but none the less). It has gotten worse with her increased demands(physically ,mentally,emotionally) criticisms, I and dependency. I have finally reached the point where I know my responsibility is that she is safe & needs are met, she, not me, is responsible for her own happiness. Now I have a better outlook when I return to care for her, because of the respite care. I know, as a caregiver, we may find it difficult to ask for outside help & we can be very hard on ourselves because we put high expectations on ourselves, but if don't love & take care of ourselves, WE are the ones to lose it all.
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Correction: she has gotten worse with her increasing demands(physically,mentally,emotionally), criticisms & dependency.
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I read the answers here and they are all very good. Rachael, your mother sounds so much like mine. Does she have some type of dementia? I read she takes insulin, so I wondered if she might have vascular dementia.

So much of what we can do easily depends on if they realize something is wrong with them or not. If they do not accept that they have problems with their thinking, then all the things that go wrong are someone else's fault. If they can't figure out the coffee, then someone bought the wrong pot. If they can't find something, then someone took it. Basically, if something bad is happening, it is someone else's fault. If the only person there is the caregiving child, then everything is their fault. Staying with someone who does not accept the dementia is more difficult than most people can imagine. It also makes the caregiving child start feeling like they are a really bad person.

The easy solution would be to place the parent or to go on long respite. But there the problem of them not admitting a problem comes in again. Nothing is wrong with them and they can take care of themselves. So if the caregiving child wants to go on vacation, then they can go. And NO, the parent won't go for respite care and won't let someone come in. In their mind they can take care of themselves just fine. And NO, they don't want to go to AL, since they want to die in their homes and can take care of themselves just fine.

There was a thread on AC about people who don't know (or accept) something is wrong with them. I can't remember the name of the condition. In my mother's case she will sometimes say that her memory isn't any good anymore, but she won't blame that if she loses something or forgets how to do something. I hear many snide remarks and live with criticism. It is very disheartening. I know it would be easier if I could just say that it was the dementia causing the problem, but to her she doesn't have dementia. Any hint that something is wrong with her starts WWIII.

I wish I had an easy answer. I get out almost every day to go for a long walk or to the gym. My mother doesn't want to go anywhere, so I leave for a while when I can. I am glad that I can do that. I do wish she would go to AL. I do wish my brothers would come get her sometimes. I do wish she were nicer. But it is what it is and I just do what I can. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do it, because I am so beaten down. Then I'll have to make decisions for myself and let someone else handle the things here. There's no telling how much longer it will be -- tomorrow or 10 years.

It would all be so easy if they were pleasant.
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I take care of my husband with mid stage dementia. I try about 3 in the afternoon while he is watching tv to take a nap. It makes all the difference in my well being. I am in this for the long haul. He is on a rolling walker so when we go out that has to go in and out of the trunk. I have somebody in to clean every other week. There is just the two of us so I have to make sure that I stay strong.
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I understand completely what you are going through, Rachael29, because I went through muany of the same things with my mother who I cared for for five years until she passed in February. By the end of her life she had become completely dependent on me emotionally and physically, and although I adored her, it felt like a huge burden at times. When her body started shutting down about two weeks before she died, I felt a strange sense of relief, and then, of course, felt guilty about it. Anyway, what got me through was therapy. I saw my therapist once a month (I couldn't afford to see him weekly) and it helped so much to have someone with whom I could share all of my feelings and emotions with. This may not be the way that you want to deal with things, but it sounds as if, at least, you do need a real break. I often put off my own well being because I was so focused on my mom and I've read that this is very common with caregivers. Venting here probably helped as well, I'm sure. Whatever you decide to do just never forget that you are not alone.
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Hi Rachael,

This is the situation many caregivers find themselves in, however it can get better. You can have a better more relaxed life with your mother by changing a few simple things. It sounds to me like a good self-care program is just what you need. Many caregivers by nature get into this rut because they are very caring people.

Good self-care is the backbone of caregiving for people. This is true of family, professional caregivers, clergy and in many instances medical professionals. So how do we fix it and how can we have a life that is not only good for us but good for the patient as well.

1. Self-care is the cornerstone of this business.

Good self-care is not a luxury when caring for a loved one. Self-care is necessary to help caregivers be available both physically and emotionally. Begin with setting aside time for you. I suggest 30 minutes in the morning and in the again in the evening. For this time you will need to determine the activities that are relaxing for you (reading, watching TV, a loved hobby and so forth). Once the activity is in place ask another family member or friend to be there for your Mom. They can take her out or stay with her. The idea is that you do not need to think about her care for the time you have set aside. I would not suggest you take a nap as if you have clinically depression "napping" can create another problem of it's own. I would suggest going for a walk get fresh air and exercise at your pace will help you more than taking a nap as by doing this or other outside activities will help you getting a good night's sleep. You will find, as this becomes a constant in your life, you sleep better and wake more refreshed.

2. Look for friends and neighbors that can help.

Many people would love to help (I am sure). They simply do not know what to do or when to do it. Ask them to help by staying with Mom while you shop or go to your appointments. Begin now setting up a 'help list'. Many a times a list is great for idea stimulus just jot down some things you would enjoy. Simply make a list of what you need help with and have a good location to post the list ask so people can look at the list for something they can help with. Examples would be picking up five or six things from the grocery store or empty the cat litter something that will only cost some time.

3. County or local assistance.

Look to your county assistance office (Senior Information and Assistance) and ask them for volunteer Respite Care. There is frequently an organization that will provide Respite for a few days so you can get some rest. Many organizations offer Adult Day Health and it may or may not be free, rather on a sliding scale. Please have your time planned for the Respite and again not staying at home or in bed.

Most important is to do something which is totally different than what you do daily for your Mom. Do not spend this time cleaning the house or sleeping. You do need and deserve a break. So take one, this may seem like more work however it is truly not.

Take care of yourself as you are the person that will need to be there for the declining years And please know you are not alone and if possible join a support group for caregivers (you can find through your Mom's doctor office or churches or county agencies).

Above all you are the best service your Mom has.
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My situation to a T. I live 1000 miles away. Mom is completely negative. I dont do anything the way she would. I have been living with her since Dec. 2015. I have tried everything.. She cannot walk well, so have to do everything. I have tried to get help to come here, she refuses all help. Last week I had the RSVP woman come and talk to her. The do a huge amount of services. It is volunteer you just give donations. Sounds wonderful. Mom refused everything. They offer rides or will shop for you all types of help. She is capable of doing her personal hygiene and food, Easy stuff. Meds etc. so, She now has the number to RSVP and I am leaving on the 30th of March. I still have a business to run and need to go home. Hopefully everything will be fine, and if not she can contact the RSVP lady. I will have as much done as possible.

I feel for all of you know how this goes. It really helped me to know that there are others feeling as I do. I got some really good views from posting on this site. I thank all of you for that. Hang in there, hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Forgot to ad that I do have people that will look in on her and I call twice a day, so she wont be completely alone.
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I think Rachael has left the building.
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I wonder the same thing. Two years ago, my mother was having a lot of problems, falling mainly, with regular visits to the ER. In addition, I lost my job and a flood messed up our property. Then, a year ago, Mom was on track for more of the same, and I decided enough was enough and got her into assisted living. My relationship with my wife is a little shaky, though we keep working through things. We just went through a Holiday Season from Hell with Mom, and I'm starting to think I'll never be the same again. .

Still, I try to make some time for myself, take walks, watch escapist TV shows that I like. I'm still tired most of the time but am starting to see a glimmer of hope. I hope you will too. What I'm trying to do is simply accept the idea that I've changed forever and am trying to see where that takes me.
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I am sure people are already telling you how you have to take care of yourself, and I am also pretty sure you are tired of hearing it. The reality is what you want to try and make people understand is that you are just tired of your life being taken away. I can tell from what you are writing that you love your mother, but you are tired, need someone to be grateful for the above and beyond you are doing, and need time to yourself. You need to see someone to talk to. Being frustrated, angry, tired and guilty are all normal responses and you need someone to tell you that. Getting it from someone that is experienced with caregiver stress will really help.
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Amen, Sister.
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I haven't yet read all the other answers, so I'll probably repeat someone's suggestions. It's emotionally draining to live your life and someone else's. And you are trapped. You need 1) boundaries and 2) a support structure. Yes, your mother doesn't mean it to sound like criticism, but we continue all our lives trying to please our parents and if we are compassionate, we try to ease someone else's pain. That's where the boundaries come in. You can't solve all your mother's problems so just accept that some things are the way they are and feel free to sympathize with your mother as you cut off some of the conversation that drives you crazy. You will need some time to yourself, so establish a support structure - tap your church for help (talk to your pastor), hire companion care if you can afford, lean on relatives if you can, talk with good friends who might help. If you can come up with activities that engage your mother - give her simple household tasks within her capacity to help out - she will feel more productive and independent. Consider daycare if possible to get her into a group of her peers. Look for short cuts and don't criticize yourself for your feelings.
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Rachel, you must know your mom loves you and would probably be lost without your love and compassion. That being said. doesn't make it any easier for the guilt we feel for seeming to fall short of our responsibility. I think when we approach responsibility as a duty instead of responsibility out of love, we become resentful. No one wants or needs these emotions coupled with sense of exhaustion. Does your mom have any hobbies she might enjoy, even something simple. Making our loved ones feel needed, when they may know they are a burden to some degree, takes the fear of you quitting on her.
Talk with your mom, ask her to help you, let her know how much you need her help, it may just be what she and you both need. Take a walk if you can leave her alone or better yet take her with you.
I can tell you are tired, but you're a loving daughter who needs some rest and a good laugh. I wish you the best. Take care
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