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My mother has been a controller and hasn't worn the pants in the family as long as I can remember. She has always loved saying cruel things to me, smart remarks and expects everything to be done her way or no way. To make a very long and painful story short, my mother has babysat each and everyone of my sisters children, for pretty much the past 35 years. My parents were in their late 70s when they started babysitting my sisters eight-year-old autistic son. The last few years my father's health has been declining and he has asked my mother to stop watching the grandson and have my sister find a babysitter, as it is just getting to be too much for him. But my mother refuses because she does as she pleases. I went through a divorce a few years ago and moved in with my parents to help them out financially, because my mother was always borrowing money from me and never paying me back. I have always been a daddy's girl, so when my father was diagnosed last August with cancer it shattered my world. And it has always made my mother mad that I was a daddy's girl, and she would make fun of me calling him "Daddy", because she always wanted everyone's attention and she did not always have mine. While my father was sick with his cancer, my mother was still babysitting my sisters autistic son every day and of course his needs were more important than my father's needs so whenever and my father needed anything he had to wait. I would try to help my father as much as I could, what there was something that I could not help him with. I would hurry home from work to see how he was doing, and I know my mother hated him getting the extra attention because some days she would completely ignore me. just a few days before my father passed he was sitting in his chair, before he was bedbound, and needed my mother to help him to the toilet which was sitting beside his chair but he was too weak to get up himself. My mother was babysitting the grandson and yelled at my father "oh my god, you just went! Well I am busy and you're just going to have to wait." My father was having diarrhea and kept begging my mother to help him until she finally slammed down on the table whatever she was doing and stomped out to help him get to the toilet. When my father passed away my whole world came crumbling down on me.The evening before he was laid to rest my mother was in a rather smart a** mood, so she decided to attack me and make fun of me for calling my father "Daddy" again. I was hurting so badly and to have her make fun of me was like a slap in the face, so I walked away from her.after the funeral I spent most of my evenings back in my room to avoid my mother and her attitude. But that did not keep her from coming back and telling me how I should be watching TV with her or going out to eat with her or spending time with her but to be honest I didn't want to be with her because of all the hurtful things that she has said and done to me and my father in the past.I would walk out to the house and hear her on the telephone talking to either my sister or her family telling them how I did nothing around the house, I didn't help her at all, and all I did was sit back in my room.I confronted her about that quite a few times, and I was crying as I explained to her how it hurt my feelings, but she never ever apologized to me. She would just deny it and walk away. Finally this April I moved to a different city, about 20 miles away, and did not tell her where I move to. I had to get out because, as my daughter told me and as I knew, I was on the verge of a nervous break down. My mother has called my cell phone twice, and whines about how depressed she is and how I should not have moved away because it was like another death in the family, and I have kept the phone calls short. She called me on my birthday and just gossiped and wanted to know what was going on with me and my children, which I don't tell her because it's just fuel for the gossip fire. After I talked to her that August day I blocked her email, and I blocked her phone number because all she does is give me anxiety and raises my blood pressure and says things to hurt me and I don't need that in my life. She has even called my son wants and emailed him twice, but he will not talk to her either. There is so much more to the story then I have space for on here, like my mother having an affair with my father's friend because my father was drinking after his mother committed suicide and my mother was not getting the attention she wanted from him sexually. My mother is still trying to contact me, as I got an email at work a few weeks ago which I ignored.and I also feel that with all the stress that I have been under that I was not performing like I should have at work, it was probably the reason I got let go two weeks ago. Many of you may judge me and think that is terrible that I want no contact with my mother, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me and I'm beginning to smile again

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Cindi - going no contact can be a lifesaver, sanity saver, and nothing to feel bad about. You tried but narcissists are VERY resistant. Best to be a uninvolved with them as you can. You have good things ahead - so hold onto that. That's real, the past is gone. Some "moms" are name only and it is not their children's fault at all. Best to you and keep in touch.
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cindi - sounds like you have a good plan. I know the guilt trips that can be imposed. I am glad you have supportive children, Therapy with the right person will help. Blessings and let us know how you are.
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I do not judge you. Your mom sounds like a lifetime of mean - whether she was mentally ill or just mean, who knows. I wont judge her either.
It sounds like it was a toxic relationship from your perspective and you needed to get away.

You reap what you sow in relationships and in this world, a lifetime of meanness can push loved ones away, even when you need them most.

Sounds like your parents had a less than ideal marriage - likely fault lies on both sides. Sounds like you felt you were in the middle of that. Children often blame themselves and want to fix whatever goes wrong at home.

I do not blame you one bit for pushing off and getting away. But it sounds like YOU have a problem with it. You will have to live with this decision so you have to get right with it for your sake.

Always remember that you cannot give more love than you have, love is not ever abundant - that is why some marriages end. Obligation does not create love for you to give.

Be well.
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Thank you, emjo23. I have gone no contact and don't plan on talking to her again, but she won't let it go at that. I was checking my email the other day for something important that I thought may have gone into the trash folder, and there was an email that she had sent me the day before, telling me that she needed me to call her right away and that it would probably be the last time that she would be able to talk to me. Now I know she's wanting me to wonder what is going on and call her, but for my mental health I can't. So my son calls me today and says that he has been doing presentations all day long at work and she has been doing nothing but calling him all day long, and blocking her number. The reason he knows that it is her is because in the middle of all of those calls she forgot to block her number one time, so her phone number came through.I just wish she would take a hint and leave us alone, but it's a situation that she is not in control of and it's driving her crazy, so she's trying every way she can to find us and then play her pity party lines like "what have I done to make you hate me so much?" and "you just don't care if I die do you?"
I am going to hang in here best I can until January, then my daughter and I are going to pack up and move out west and away from Ohio and all the drama and heartache associated with this state.
But in the meantime I do want to find somebody to talk to, because I know I still have some major issues, as I cry at the drop of a pin. I just don't know who to talk to.
Thank you for your help. ((Hugs))
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cindi - (((((hugs)))) Sounds like you need to go no contact for your health. I went no contact for a number of months this past winter, have in the past at times, and am decreasing contact as much as I can. My mother is 102 and has Borderline Personality Disorder and vascular dementia. I have to stay away from my sister too. Your mum sounds narcissistic- all about her and no empathy for any one else. I am in contact with the people who look after mother, with the understanding that my contact with her will be minimal. She is too hard on me and was dreadful as my father got sicker too. Do what you have to do for yourself. I too think some kind of counselling would be good for you. I have gone over the years and will go again if I need it. If your sis can look after your mum as she ages, let her. Right now you need to put yourself first and build yourself up. There will be those who understand and those who don't. Listen to the ones who do.
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Thank you countrymouse and blannie. Some days I feel like I'm doing pretty well, and then other days I catch myself sitting here crying all day. And I know you're both right that I need to find somebody that I can talk to. My daughter and I are very close and she lost her father back in 2010, so she has helped me get through the loss of my own father.
Quite a few months before I lost my job my daughter and I have been talking with my son, who lives in California, and he's wanting us to move out there. My daughters job can transfer out there and I feel that a change of scenery will help me to heal. But I will definitely try to get some help and talk to someone before I make the move. I need to get my head on straight before I can move on with my life.
Thank you again (((hugs)))
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Based on what you've written, I think you did the best thing you could do. There's no point in staying around toxic people. You tried to explain to your mother what hurtful things she was saying/doing to you and got nowhere. I'd say like others have said, find some good friends that you can talk to - I'd look for people outside of your daughter. That's putting a pretty big burden on her to be your only sounding board. Some short-term counseling would help you put everything in perspective like Countrymouse has suggested. Sometimes having an impartial listener can really help you understand bigger patterns and how you can best take care of yourself moving forward.

Some people may criticize you for walking away from your mom, but she certainly hasn't acted like a loving mother in any way shape or form. So do what you've got to do to take care of yourself. Hugs to you!
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Okay.

If you were able just to let go of this, it wouldn't be eating you up to the extent that you took your eyes off the ball at work. Right now, you must be feeling at about rock bottom. I'm really, really sorry for it. What a hand you've been dealt.

Mind-map time. Get your thoughts about money, work, health, where to live, your mother, what you want to do with your life, all of that, down on paper where you can have a good look at them. Then, putting your own welfare first, sort out your priorities. Think about where you would like to be a year, three years, five years on, and what you need to do to get there. What would be good for you?

But first of all, you need someone trustworthy and objective to talk to. Friend, counsellor, doctor, doesn't matter who. But no one can pull themselves out of an emotional hole on their own, and I'm concerned that you might be in a bit of a tailspin.

Let your mother be your sister's problem. She'll be fine. For now, look to your own wellbeing. Concentrate on that before everything in the world begins to seem hopeless and overwhelming. It's a big world, and some parts of it are lovely! Look ahead - this will all get better.
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I pretty much just have my daughter, who is 24. As far as my sister, well we don't talk at all. When I first got a divorce many years ago, before my divorce was even final my sister was sneaking around with my soon-to-be ex. She ended up getting pregnant, marrying him, and having another child, and they eventually divorced. But as far as that whole mess goes my mother was all for my sister marrying him. I tried to explain to her how wrong it was, but in her mind it was the right thing to do, even though he had physically abused me. So I want nothing to do with her. I have a brother in Texas but we have never been really close. And by the way, I am 57 years old and my mother turns 83 in December.
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Some people do need to stay away from other people. For them, it's the right thing to do.

I don't know whether you fall into that category or not. There has been so much to deal with, not just for you but for all of your family, that it is hard for an outsider even to guess where your own personal boundaries need to be set.

Who do you talk to about this? What kind of terms are you on with your sisters?
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i severed all communication with my mom on aug 1 of 2013 . she died on that day .
she wasnt perfect and neither was i so we loved each other as misfits that no one else cared much about . no problem , we didnt need anyone else ..
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If your mother is elderly and in need of care, hire ( with her funds) a geriatric care manager. You cannot manage a mentally ill parent on your own. No guilt. You can love and care for her from afar, with no toxic personal contact.
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And I do apologize for the typos. I am trying to get all of this typed into my smart phone and sometimes it auto corrects itself, whether it's correct or not.
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