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In April I posted about my mother "ghosting" me from her nursing home. Nothing has changed. Still won't answer my calls, so I've stopped calling. Won't Zoom, heaven forbid. I have no idea whether she appreciates my gifts, cards, supplies and whatever, or would prefer that I just not bother.


Nurses and social worker report that she is navigating the new normal of Covid-sequestered life very well. They say she is happy and healthy. Doing fine. No apparent mental or physical decline. No dementia. No depression. No problems. That's all they say. Nobody knows why she is ghosting me and, from their viewpoint, it isn't their problem.


But, for me, it is a problem. My elderly mother has closed a door on me for no apparent reason (other than a long-standing personality disorder that may be getting more pronounced as she ages).


I had been her caregiver for over twenty years, now others have professionally assumed that role and that seems to be all she needs and wants. The silence just seems weird.


I find her ghosting behavior confusing and hurtful. Thoughts? Can anyone relate?

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You are right, of course, JoAnn. BTW, I just reread your reply and feel like I read a shorter version earlier-missed a lot. Now, noting your experiences, I'd say you've already figured a lot of this out. Thanks for your understanding.
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Clementine, while us amateurs here can guide you to the correct subway stop, I think it's going to take the consistent guidance and reinforcement from a good therapist to keep you on the train and keep you there until you arrive at your stop.

One of my adult daughters who is in therapy said to me the other day, in a fit of candor, "I said to my therapist the other day "why am I here?".

I said to her "have you ever heard of resistance, honey?"

Being resistant in therapy is part of the process. At the end of the process, you know yourself better and you can do the work that further needs to be done on your own.

This is an investment in your life. Please make it a priority.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Thank you, Barb. I am taking your concern and advice to heart. When I began this thread, I was feeling overwhelmed by a heavy heart. Only hours later, I am now overwhelmed in a bigger, better way by the wonderful, caring people of this forum like you that provide words that lift and brighten and lighten the load.
Yes, as you've noted, I have a long way to go, but at least I know I'm on the right train!
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Elaine1962 sums this up beautifully: it is not your fault and never was. I have had a lifetime of anxiety, insomnia, worry and unnecessary stress. I worried about everything. I thought everything was my fault, and that everyone would think it was my fault, and this stopped me from doing many normal things like socialising and going places. Through therapy I understood that none of it was my fault but that I had been conditioned to accept the blame by my parents and my extended family. It is a revelation to discover this, but really hard work to break the habits of a lifetime. I’m still working on it and probably always will, but at least I’ve made a start. Clementine, I hope you are starting to see this about yourself too, and can move forward planning what you want to do with your life without fear of negative judgement (or the COVID cold shoulder) from your mother.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Thank you, Chriscat. Sometimes, even when we know it in our hearts, we need to hear those words from someone. It helps. I am happy that your journey is moving you forward out of old, unhealthy patterns and negativity. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
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Clementine; It's not "turning your back" (those are your mother's words). They are part of the "Passive-Aggressive Playbook".

It's "moving on with your life". You are an adult.

When and if mother calls, respond to her ON YOUR TERMS. Set boundaries. Do what you WANT to, not what she TELLS you that you must do.

This dysfunctional is NOT of your manufacture. Stop begging to be allowed into the door of your own life.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Wow- "Stop begging to be allowed into the door of your own life." I would add that I know I need to stop being the doormat at that door, too! Unfortunately, that type of change doesn't happen overnight and the slow progress can be very discouraging.
You also made a great point, Barb, when you stated, "You are an adult." And it is the adult part of my brain that allows me to reason through and ponder the relationship mess I was raised and programmed into by an emotionally-challenged parent. My head is very adulty ...but my heart is still influenced by the little, insecure child that was me.
For some of us, boundaries were never an option, let alone a right. I'm working at it.
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None of this is your problem. It is your Mother's problem. It took me a long long time to figure this one out also. I always heard the words from my therapist saying that it wasn't my fault. She said the words over and over again but I didn't FEEL it inside. Then about 2 weeks ago I was at my Moms house and I was emptying her potty chair that was in the living room. My Mother said she had cleaned it out already. But it wasn't inside the potty chair, it was across the room on the floor. So I picked it up and she was in the kitchen and I told her it was on the floor and I would put it back inside the potty chair. She SCREAMS at me " Why did you put it the pot on the floor? I just cleaned it!!" She literally screamed the wo" rds at me as nasty as she could. My reflex was to scream back. I screamed back " I didn't put it on the floor, you did. It's not my fault". She just says oh. The next day I woke up reazling IT WAS NOT MY FAULT AND IT NEVER WAS!!! It was a relief!! A Weight lifted off me!! Go to a therapist to help you realize it is not your fault and that it never was. They will tell it to you, until you believe it yourself inside!!!
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
It is taking me a long time to figure out, too.
(By way of explanation) Here's what I'm trying to overcome: all my life if she employed "the silent treatment" it was MY responsibility to figure out why and then make every effort to appease her. The kicker was that she NEVER told me what she wanted from me, or why. I just had to keep on trying to guess what she wanted or what I could do for her ...because (ready for it?) "if I loved her, I'd just know." That type of abusive thinking became hard-wired.
That may be what she is trying to do with the Covid Cold Shoulder. (The only thing is, she may have taken this a bit toooooo far and I don't know that there is a place for us to return.)
So, thank you for reminding me that the faulty thinking lies with her, not me. However, it has produced a great deal of faulty thinking that I must now overcome.
I do think it sometimes takes a clarifying moment as you noted to really "get it." And then begin to see things a little clearer. But, for me -and likely for you- it all seems so incredibly unfair and unloving.
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Stop sending gifts. Why would you do this to someone who refuses to speak to you and wants nothing to do with you? Sending gifts is rewarding her for bad behavior. Send a lovely card once every few weeks which says short update on your life, and end with "I understand it is your wish not to communicate with me. So I will say I hope you are doing well. I would love to hear from you if you ever choose to reach out to me". Let those in charge at her care center know that your Mom refuses to communicate with you, and that this is how you will handle it. Continue to get updates from them, and let them know why you have to do it in this manner. You can lead a horse to water.....blah blah. She is punishing you in all likelihood? I cannot know the history. If she is contented in her new life accept that and move on with your own. She really has given you no other choice.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
"rewarding her for bad behavior" -a great way to put it. Yes. A card now and then, I can do.
I'm not sure I can be as forthright as you suggested, though. In the past she would deny what I verbalized about her actions or inactions and then feign insult. But I can do "hope you're doing well" because I'm so danged glad she isn't one of those residents that bites or throws things!
As for possibly punishing me, I don't think so. She has simply "moved on." I think I've been dismissed. And I don't see a change on the horizon.
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Clementine, reading your post, the various replies on this thread and the background to your mother's behaviour and her historical relationship with you, her behaviour could be another form of emotional manipulation. The professional care givers have confirmed she seems happy where she is, so you should be reassured by this. You however seem to feel you must have done done something wrong to be ghosted. You've been trying to appease her with the things you've been sending her and the contact you've been trying to make, but have had no response and so have been trying even harder, to no effect. Take a step back, leave her be for a few weeks and look after yourself for a while. If she really is happy where she is, enjoy the freedom this gives you, liberating you from care giving. If she's just playing you, the only person missing out is her. I can see from your replies to the posts on this thread that you are beginning to see that maybe you should just learn to accept the situation. That is exactly right.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Yes -to step back before I move forward in a different direction. Good advice.
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Clementine; as to how to fix the hurt in your heart and soul, have you even been in therapy? If you haven't, or if you've stopped going, it might be a good time to get some support.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Actually, your responses -along with all the others- are my best therapy. Thank you.
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You say you were her caregiver for over twenty years. There is a possibility that could have something to do with it.

Perhaps, she is upset that you are no longer her caregiver.

That is how some people handle their hurt. By going ghost. Not wanting to confront it.
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Clementine:

This is from one of your posts from a couple of weeks ago:

"I believe that my mother used The Stare as an emotional triggering "technique." It was intentional. It tapped into my earliest uncomfortable experiences of her passive-aggressive "silent treatment." Like a chess game, she silently tested me out as if she was studying my reaction and what it might reveal to her. After sixty-something years, it still had the power to unsettle, which I now think was her way of feeling in control of our relationship. Power. She never did it if she was in a good mood. To deal with it, I finally learned to physically remove myself, even briefly, to "break the spell." (ie-get a drink of water, take an imaginary phone call, etc.)
But, as others have suggested, maybe just bringing it to your mother's attention will show her that you notice it and wonder why she does it. If your relationship is convivial, you can even point it out when she does it. That might open the door to exploring other medical-type reasons, if she really isn't aware. But, if it appears to be deliberate, and if you are braver than I was, you can tell her to cut it OUT! ...pretty please with sugar on top.
You need to protect your emotional energies. They belong to you, not her. Best wishes!"

To quote you, your mother is a life=long practitioner of passive-aggressive techniques and appears to be using a long distance "silent treatment" right now. If she does later have contact with you, she will claim that you never got in touch with her, deny knowledge of all presents, phone calls and the like.

Why would you continue to subject yourself to this time of abuse?
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Barb, you are right about what would likely be her easy denial since she now has a brand new scapegoat: Covid. Ghosting is right up her alley. It does fit with her personality, I'm sad to say, but acknowledging it still doesn't make the hurt child in me feel any better.
I don't have an answer to your very basic, very reasonable question. Why would I participate in her games? What keeps me from turning my back, too? Why shouldn't I? How do I continue to love an unloving person? Why should I? All good questions with no good answers.
I came to the forum today with this situation because I feel such overwhelming sadness right now, knowing there is no fix to this problem. I do see it for what it is and I own it, but it still breaks my heart.
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Clementine, has your mother ever been medically diagnosed with dementia, depression or cognitive decline? If so, I think this is probably the source of her behavior, even if she was somewhat like this prior to a diagnosis. I wish you success in getting contact, and answers.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Only basic assessments done on all three. Nothing. But, like you, I do wonder what age-related effects are in play, too. It's just that she appears so targeted in this avoidance behavior and the bulls-eye is on my forehead.
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Clementine, when you say "your problem" do you mean yours to solve?

Why?
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Barb-Good question! I have always been tasked with solving problems for others, particularly my mother, and it may be a subconscious need on my part to solve this one, too. To "fix" what is wrong. The thing is: I'm beginning to think that there is no solution to this problem, other than coming to terms with the sad reality. So my problem switches from "why" to "how to accept?"
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I don't mean to sound mean but it seems to me that since she has others caring for her she no longer needs you. You are not useful to her anymore so she does not need you around.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
lkd-I know. But it seems like such a sad legacy to leave behind.
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My mom is the type of person that once she has what she wanted from you she is done with you.

Sounds like you are dealing with a similar personality. I recommend moving forward and letting go. I wouldn't even send her anything. Lack of a thank you would cause the effort to stop. Especially since she doesn't have a good excuse like dementia and it is just her meanness that is causing her hatefulness.

Great big warm hug! You deserve so much better than she is giving you. Take your efforts and apply them to those that would be appreciative of them. Send a package to a soldier.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Thank you, ITRR. In my heart, I know you are right. But it is just so very difficult to accept.
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Not sure how to answer this. As long as COVID is raging, u cannot see her personally. When the NHs open again, you can go in person and ask. Or, see what her response is to you. If she had Dementia, I would say that is your problem but she doesn't.

Here is an excerpt from your last question:

"I stepped away from that nonsense for a long time, only to be summoned back when she needed care in her declining years."

Please, I know this may sound harsh but in her mind maybe she doesn't feel she needs you or anyone because she now has other people at her beck and call. Your last post also said that you really never had that Mother/Daughter relationship and she pitted her children against each other. How is she with her other kids? Also in your other post you seemed to have resigned yourself to the fact she was not calling you. People with personality disorders either don't see or don't care to see how they hurt others. They have no empathy. I have a SIL that is so different with her friends than family. I didn't talk to her for 10yrs after an incident, 10yrs later asked us to go on a Cruise, invited another couple after the fact and we were the 3rd wheel. Now, 10 yrs later, she wants a family trip. Got out of that because we had a Cruise. Niece was heading up before the Virus and her Mom wanted to come. I have no idea why. I have no inkling to visit her (12 hrs away). Getting too old to worry about the reason why. I have tried, no more.
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Clementine49 Jul 2020
Either way, it still feels like my problem.
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