My loved one with dementia is 82 years old. His wife is 78 with poor health. She was admitted to hospital twice this summer. Once for 8 days and the other for 5 days. I was left to care for my dad. There is no help with him. He is incontinent and extremely contrary. He refuses to eat most food. It’s now ensure and candy. He won’t drink water.
I am a teacher and there is NO way I can take off work indefinitely when she has to go back in the hospital. She could need to go in any day. Last summer she was in the hospital from the end of July until October and then went to rehab for PT. She got home in November. Then she was back in the hospital in May again. Dad cannot stay home alone. I cannot stay with him and work. I cannot do this alone. She refuses to get in home care and she will not have him in a nursing home.
His doctor will not answer the phone or return messages.
APS told me she could charge me with neglect if I did not care for him. They told me to call a lawyer. It took 3 days and a trip to find a lawyer who would talk to me. He was hateful and short. He said she can’t charge me with neglect.
She will be back in the hospital and then what am I going to do? APS said I cannot force her to get care. He is very very difficult and contrary. Every word that makes sense is hateful or negative. This is wearing me out. I have worked three days and I am exhausted. I have to help her change his clothes every day. I cover him with a towel to keep him covered.
I cannot take FMLA. I am single. I had cancer and my onco said to avoid stress. I wouldn’t have so much if she would do what she needs to do.
thank you.
You (or someone anonymous) will continue to report her husband to APS. If no one has durable PoA for him, and the county does agree that he's a vulnerable adult then the county has the authority to remove him from the home no matter what the step-mom says or wants. The county will then pursue guardianship of your dad (and get it). Then the county will control everything: where he resides, what medical care he receives, his share of their assets, etc. Your step-mom needs to understand that this is also what is waiting for her if she doesn't assign a durable PoA for herself (hopefully not you but does she have other children?) It sounds to me like they both have cognitive issues, not just stubbornness. But you don't have any obligation to "fix" their situation. Legally if you're not the PoA for either of them you can't do anything, so you will need to let it all go emotionally and mentally. I understand this is easier said than done so I'm not saying this lightly. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart as you let go.
I would contact them again and if given the same crap, ask for someone else, a supervisor, someone up the food chain. I'd start with the fact that even when she's home she isn't providing proper care for your father. Stress that you are concerned for his well-being, esp when she's hospitalized. If ANYONE starts that crap about you having to step in, clearly state you have legal advice stating you AREN'T responsible and CAN'T be charged, but also state that due to being employed you can't provide the care he NEEDS AND that SM won't listen to reason and refuses to secure help for him. SHE'S the one who is being neglectful, even when she is home, and THEY need to know this. Demand that someone is assigned to this case and fully assesses the situation.
Meanwhile, a quick search only showed 1 Elder law near you, but there are more - they aren't close (1+ hr, some 2 hrs or more), but I would try contacting more of these attys:
The link I got was too long, so Google search "elder attorney WV", then click on "More Places" under the list provided by the first search. For me this showed a map and a list of 13 places (some are the same law firm, just other locations.)
Have a list of statements and questions, such as:
Clearly state that your father is not competent and medically frail.
State that your stepmother refuses help, but has frequent hospitalizations.
State that SM doesn't provide proper care even when she is home.
State that SM won't consider placement.
State that you can't care for him.
Ask what options there are to ensure he is properly cared for.
Ask what options there are to ensure he isn't left alone.
Even if she or you have POAs, these aren't enough to make decisions for placement, unless the document is explicit enough, which it likely isn't. POAs are mainly for allowing you to make financial (or medical) decisions, signing paperwork for the person, etc when they are not capable or competent. We had all those documents before they were needed and when mom wouldn't consider moving anywhere, the EC atty told me we couldn't force her. He suggested guardianship, which is costly and takes time. There was no spouse as dad had passed yrs before. The facility we chose wouldn't accept "committals", which are those under guardianship. They told me to just "get her here, we'll take it from there."
I note that WV has filial laws, BUT those are mainly focused on ensuring that children of those who need care provide finances, if they can (these are not often invoked.) The point here is that filial laws have nothing to do with charging you if you don't provide the care. Also, since your SM is legally the next of kin, SHE would be the responsible party.
Start by contacting APS again and be somewhat forceful - not nasty, just don't take NO for an answer. Express your concerns not only for having him home alone when she is hospitalized, but also being neglected when she is home. If they still refuse, you can mention that you are seeking legal representation and will have an EC atty contact them if they refuse to provide any help. Meanwhile, do that search, talk to as many as you can and hopefully at least one will be useful! If nothing else, you could file for guardianship. You may have to front the money to hire one, ask if you can get reimbursed later, once he has proper care and their finances are split. I would think yes, esp if they grant guardianship to you. Being guardian doesn't mean you provide the care. Takes effort and time but you would be the control. You can also let the state assume guardianship.
You don't say what is taking your stepmother to hospital, but it does sound as if the time has come when it's no longer any good expecting her to come up with sensible answers. She can't care for her husband. She - whatever she thinks - can't decide that you are going to care for your father when she isn't there. But it probably isn't fair to expect her to be knowledgeable, practical and reasonable about the alternative solutions; so do the research yourself.
Let's assume she's soon no longer able to look after herself, let alone him too, and there will be change come what may. What do you see as the solution for his care? Have you got as far as finding out what agencies (or what facilities) might offer the services they need?
If she is competent, the decisions about care are indeed hers to make. But that does NOT mean that she can decide that YOU will be the care provider. Prepare a little folder/information sheet/fact file about resources (telephone numbers, contact names, summary of services) and have it ready for next time. She can choose A, B, C right through to Z; but your name does not appear on the list of possibilities.
If she is demanding you care for him you say "no, I can't possibly do that".
Is she using Fear, Obligation and Guilt (F.O.G.) to manipulate you?
Have you read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud?
Your father has a wife. It is her responsibility to care for her husband. I am with the lawyer, APS can not make you take on the responsibility of Dad. I would call them and talk to a different SW. Explain your situation concerning your job you cannot quit. Tell the SW that ur father's wife is making it hard for you to get caregivers into their home. You feel when she is hospitalized that Dad needs to be put on respite care or permanently put in LTC because his wife is not able to care for him. Your hands are tied. Ask if it would be possible for APS to evaluate their situation and offer resources available to them. Have them explain to her that she needs to hire the appropriate people to care for them. That as much as you would like to help, you need to work. If they again say you can be charged with neglect tell them you have spoken to a lawyer and he says that is not true. There is no law that says a child needs to care for a father. Especially, I would think, when there are funds that can be used for their care.
I really don't understand how a wife can't be charged with neglect but a daughter can. I would ask APS what would they do if you were in another state or not didn't exist.
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