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As your LOs are in an ALF, the facility should have staff members attending to their needs. But perhaps your dad will need more care for his Alzheimer's.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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At some point the AL facility will probably determine that they can not care for him and he will have to be moved to Memory Care.
The decision at that point is do you move Mom with him or just move Dad. I can tell you if you do not move mom she will probably decline quickly just from being separated from her husband. Is it possible this is what she is afraid might happen? The thought process being.. if I do not accept what is happening it isn't happening.
Have you talked to your mom about what she is afraid of?

Now playing the devil's advocate here..
You or they are paying for care. So (step)mom --(just me I hate that it has such a "I don't really belong to this family" kind of feeling)--really should not have to do much. Not to mention the fact that I am guessing she is no "spring chicken" either and may have her own problems. Maybe a little "age related decline" herself, a bit of arthritis, brittle bones, I am sure you do not want her breaking a hip while trying to help hubby get up from the dining room chair. I would just give her a break when it comes to care-giving and as long as he loves her, she loves him and they look to each other for emotional support that is pretty much the important stuff. Now my answer would be different if they were living in a house by themselves. Then I would suggest that they move to AL or Memory Care so she would not have to do as much as well as for safety for both of them.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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First thought, they are in an AL what kind of help do u expect her to do? If he is 94 how old is she? Staff can make sure he gets to meals. Staff also gives him his meds. If he is incontinent, staff can help with that. Getting him dressed, again staff. It may cost a little more but thats why they are in an AL to be assisted. There's really not much she has to do.

Was she there when the diagnosis was made? Maybe because he is in early stages she doesn't see it or want to. She is elderly too. There is some cognitive decline thats just age related. Maybe she feels she is paying big bucks for their care so let the AL do the care. Really, I can't blame her. All I did for my Mom while she was in an AL was wash her clothes and put them away. (yes the AL could have done that but I wanted to). She was 5 min away so I visited a little everyday. I bought her Depends and personal items since ALs don't supply these.

So again, what kind of care do you feel she should do?
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Bobandflo's father and stepmother are living in an ALF. So, if nothing else, there are plenty of bystanders around to report any serious issues or events.

Beyond that, we don't know if it's a formal diagnosis or an educated suspicion or a premature suspicion; we don't know what stepmother is refusing to see; we don't know what help she is denying him, or whether she has the ability to help him anyway; we don't even know how long they've been married or how long they've been in the ALF.

So I'm just watching this space, myself.
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Reply to Countrymouse
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If your stepmother denies Dad has issues and refuses to care for him, convincing her he needs help may be a futile effort. Even if you convince her, there’s no guarantee she will take care of him. Dementia is a progressive disease. There will come a time when he needs full-time care and it doesn’t sound like she’s willing to provide it. It may fall to you to make sure he is well-cared for and safe. Let her know that even if she denies he needs help, he does. You will not allow him to be put in possibly harmful situations because she refuses to believe his diagnoses. Has he been formally diagnosed by a doctor? Or, is his condition just a “guess” by someone? Perhaps if you all go to see his doctor together, the doctor can speak with her. You may also need to think about hiring caregivers for him.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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Lots of people prefer to live in the land of denial. What exactly does he need help with - you might be better off trying to offer solutions to specific problems.
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Reply to cwillie
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Who has diagnosed the Alzheimer's?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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